Dear fellow neurodivergent parent,
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by your child’s stimming or wondered about your own habits and mental health—like tapping, pacing, or humming—this is for you. Stimming isn’t something to fear or fix. It’s as normal for neurodivergent individuals as breathing, and embracing it can help us thrive as parents, partners, and individuals.
Let’s explore what stimming is, why it’s so important, and how we can reduce the shame and stigma around it—for ourselves and our kids.
Stimming, short for “self-stimulatory behavior,” refers to repetitive actions that help regulate emotions or sensory experiences. For neurodivergent individuals, stimming is a natural and meaningful way to:
• Find calm during overwhelming moments.
• Process sensory input in a world that can feel too loud or chaotic.
• Express emotions when words aren’t enough.
Some common examples of stimming include:
• Hand-flapping or finger-tapping
• Rocking back and forth
• Twirling hair or spinning objects
• Repeating words or phrases (echolalia)
• Playing with sensory toys like fidgets
Stimming helps the brain regulate itself, much like taking deep breaths when stressed. For neurodivergent individuals, it can serve a variety of purposes:
1. Regulating Sensory Input
The neurodivergent brain processes sensory input differently. Stimming helps block out overwhelming sensations or provides the stimulation needed to stay focused.
Big feelings—whether they’re joy, anxiety, or frustration—can feel even bigger for neurodivergent people. Stimming helps release and balance these emotions.
3. Communicating Needs
For individuals who are nonverbal or struggle with emotional expression, stimming can be a way to communicate: I’m excited, I’m stressed, or I need space.
When embraced, stimming has many positive effects on mental health. However, societal misunderstanding and stigma can create challenges.
The Positives
• Stress Relief: Stimming acts as a natural stress reliever, like a built-in coping mechanism.
• Focus and Grounding: It helps redirect attention and provides comfort in high-pressure situations.
• Self-Expression: Stimming can be joyful and empowering, offering a way to feel connected to your body and emotions.
The Challenges
The real problem isn’t stimming—it’s how the world reacts to it. Misunderstanding, judgment, and pressure to “stop” stimming can lead to:
• Shame and Anxiety: Feeling judged for stimming can cause self-doubt and emotional distress.
• Masking Behavior: Suppressing stimming to fit in can result in burnout, sensory overload, and emotional dysregulation.
Here’s the good news: you have the power to create a world where stimming is accepted and celebrated—starting in your own home.
1. Normalize Stimming
Talk about stimming as a natural and healthy behavior. Explain to your kids (and remind yourself!) that it’s their body’s way of taking care of them.
2. Create Safe Stimming Spaces
Make sure your home, school, or work environment allows for stimming without judgment. This might mean giving your child access to sensory tools or advocating for understanding with teachers and caregivers.
3. Reframe Stimming as a Superpower
Instead of seeing stimming as a distraction or “quirk,” celebrate it as a strength. It’s a tool that helps neurodivergent individuals process the world in their own unique way.
4. Use Tools and Resources
Fidget toys, weighted blankets, and other sensory-friendly items can make stimming more accessible and enjoyable.
I’ll be honest—embracing stimming hasn’t always been easy. Growing up, I was told to “stop fidgeting” or “sit still,” and I carried that shame for years. But as I learned more about my neurodivergent brain, I realized stimming wasn’t something to hide—it was a way to thrive.
Now, as a mom, I let my kids see me stim. When I tap my fingers during a tough moment or hum to calm myself, I’m showing them it’s okay to regulate their emotions in their own way. In turn, they’ve felt freer to flap, spin, and stim without fear of judgment.
If you’d like to learn more about stimming and how to support neurodivergent individuals, here are some helpful tools:
• Books:
• Uniquely Human: A Different Way of Seeing Autism by Barry M. Prizant
• NeuroTribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity by Steve Silberman
• Online Communities:
• Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN)
• Sensory Tools:
• Fidget spinners, chewable jewelry, and noise-canceling headphones are widely available online and in stores.
Here’s the truth: stimming is as normal as breathing. It’s not something we need to fix or hide—it’s a vital part of how neurodivergent individuals thrive.
When we embrace stimming as a strength, we create a world where neurodivergent people feel safe, accepted, and celebrated—for exactly who they are.
With love and understanding,
Jamie
As an EMDR therapist living with ADHD and childhood trauma, I’ve seen firsthand how these experiences intertwine. Many neurodivergent moms with ADHD have also faced developmental trauma, often rooted in neglect or emotional abandonment. When caregivers fail to provide the nurturing support that neurodivergent children need, it can leave lasting wounds. If you’re an ADHD mom navigating these challenges, you’re not alone. Here are common core wounds and reflections on how to start healing.
When caregivers don’t understand or validate us as children, we can grow up feeling fundamentally flawed or unworthy of love.
• The Challenge: If my caregivers couldn’t see and accept the real me, does that mean I’m unlovable?
• The Work: As an EMDR therapist, I know that healing begins with confronting these deeply held beliefs. We can reprocess past experiences, challenge negative self-perceptions, and cultivate self-compassion. You are not broken—you are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are.
Many ADHD trauma survivors learn to prioritize others’ needs in hopes of earning love and approval, often at the cost of their own well-being.
• The Challenge: Maybe if I meet everyone’s demands and expectations, I’ll finally be enough.
• The Work: Setting boundaries and respecting your own capacity is deeply uncomfortable but transformative. EMDR can help desensitize the fear of rejection and build confidence in your worth, even when you can’t be everything for everyone. True connection doesn’t require you to sacrifice yourself.
For neurodivergent moms with trauma histories, the drive to “keep it together” and mask struggles can lead to overwhelming burnout. The pressure to appear in control often drains what little energy remains.
• The Challenge: I can’t let anyone see me struggling; I have to handle it all.
• The Work: Vulnerability is a strength. Allowing others to see you when you’re struggling—and seeking support when you need it—can be deeply healing. EMDR therapy can address the underlying fear of showing weakness and help you cultivate safe, trusting connections.
Rejection sensitivity can be heightened by ADHD and trauma, making even small interactions feel intensely painful or anxiety-provoking.
• The Challenge: I’m always bracing for rejection. Will I be hurt again?
• The Work: Healing involves learning to trust yourself and others again. With EMDR, we can reprocess past rejections and reduce the emotional charge they hold. By showing up as your true self, you create space for authentic connections with those who genuinely accept you.
For ADHD trauma survivors, even basic tasks can feel overwhelming and painful. If you weren’t given nurturing support and life skills as a child, adult responsibilities can trigger deep feelings of inadequacy.
• The Challenge: I can’t meet everyone’s expectations when I’ve never been properly cared for myself.
• The Work: Grieving what you didn’t receive is part of the process. EMDR therapy can help you reprocess unmet needs and find ways to care for your inner child. Building gentle routines and prioritizing self-compassion can make “adulting” less overwhelming.
Many neurodivergent moms with trauma feel driven to be perfect, hoping to earn love and validation through flawless performance.
• The Challenge: I need to be perfect to be valued or loved.
• The Work: Perfection is not the answer; it’s often a protective response to past wounds. EMDR therapy can help you let go of this exhausting cycle, showing you that you’re enough, just as you are. Embracing imperfection allows you to be present and authentic, for yourself and your family.
Living with ADHD and trauma is complex, but healing is possible. Through EMDR therapy, I’ve witnessed powerful transformations. We can reprocess painful memories, reduce triggers, and challenge deeply rooted beliefs that no longer serve us.
Healing involves self-compassion, boundary-setting, and finding supportive spaces where you can be fully seen and accepted.
You are not alone. You are not broken. You deserve to heal, thrive, and live authentically.
Does this resonate with you? Let’s create a space to share, reflect, and support one another on the path to healing.
With love,
Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW
In our fast-paced world, executive function is a crucial set of mental skills that allows us to plan, focus, remember instructions, and manage multiple tasks. Yet, few realize how significantly the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems can influence these functions. Understanding how these two components of the autonomic nervous system operate, and their role in our day-to-day mental performance, can provide valuable insights into our cognitive health and emotional well-being. In this blog post, we will explore how these systems interact with executive function and how therapeutic approaches like EMDR can offer support.
The autonomic nervous system is divided into two main parts: the sympathetic and the parasympathetic systems. The sympathetic nervous system is often described as the "fight-or-flight" response. It prepares the body for quick action in stressful situations by increasing heart rate, dilating airways, and redirecting blood flow to muscles. Conversely, the parasympathetic system is known as the "rest-and-digest" mode. It promotes a state of calm and recovery by slowing the heart rate, stimulating digestion, and conserving energy.
A crucial aspect of therapeutic practices, such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), is their ability to influence these systems. For example, EMDR activates the parasympathetic nervous system through the vagus nerve, facilitating a transition from a state of heightened alertness to one of relaxation. Understanding this dynamic can empower individuals to better manage stress and emotional responses.
The sympathetic and parasympathetic systems influence how we handle everyday stressors and challenges. When the sympathetic system is excessively active, it can result in chronic stress, anxiety, and mental fatigue. This makes it difficult to concentrate, remember information, and make sound decisions. In contrast, a well-functioning parasympathetic system can foster calmness, clarity, and focused thinking, all essential components of effective executive function.
Balancing these systems is crucial for maintaining emotional and cognitive health. Engaging in deep breathing exercises, mindfulness practices, and relaxation techniques can activate the parasympathetic system, countering the adverse effects of stress. Regularly practicing these activities can improve mental clarity and function, allowing for better management of daily tasks and challenges.
Understanding the interaction between these systems can also guide lifestyle choices. Incorporating stress-reduction techniques can support parasympathetic activity. This contributes to a more balanced and resilient mental state like yoga, meditation, and even consistent physical activity. The holistic approach can be particularly beneficial for individuals seeking to optimize their cognitive performance and overall well-being.
Executive function encompasses crucial mental processes such as planning, problem-solving, and impulse control. When the sympathetic nervous system is in overdrive, the resulting stress and anxiety can significantly impair these cognitive abilities. It in turn, leads to difficulties in concentration, memory, and decision-making. This heightened state of arousal can create a feedback loop, where stress exacerbates cognitive dysfunction, further increasing stress levels.
In contrast, activation of the parasympathetic system can help stabilize executive function by reducing stress and fostering a more focused, calm state of mind. When the parasympathetic system is engaged, it allows for better emotional regulation and clearer thinking, which are essential for effective executive functioning. This balance is particularly important in high-stress situations where quick decision-making and problem-solving are required.
The interplay between the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems thus plays a critical role in the effective execution of daily tasks and long-term goals. By understanding and actively managing this relationship, individuals can enhance their cognitive performance and emotional well-being. For example, engaging in relaxation techniques and stress-reduction practices can promote parasympathetic activity. This leads to improved executive function and overall mental health. The ability to maintain this balance is key to optimizing cognitive performance in various aspects of life, from professional environments to personal interactions.
Balancing the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems in daily life is essential for optimal performance and interactions. For example, in a demanding work environment, an overactive sympathetic response can lead to heightened anxiety and decreased productivity. On the other hand, stimulating the parasympathetic system can promote a sense of calm. This will improve both task efficiency and social interactions.
Incorporating lifestyle habits such as regular physical exercise, a nutritious diet, and adequate sleep can naturally support this balance. Additionally, engaging in stress-reduction practices like yoga, meditation, and deep-breathing exercises can enhance parasympathetic activity. These activities not only help reduce stress but also improve cognitive functions such as focus, memory, and decision-making.
Mindfulness and relaxation techniques can be easily integrated into daily routines, providing immediate and long-term benefits. For instance, taking short breaks for deep-breathing exercises during a busy day can help manage stress and maintain mental clarity.
By understanding the interplay between these two systems, individuals can make informed choices that support their mental health and executive function, enhancing their ability to manage daily challenges effectively.
EMDR therapy has been recognized for its effectiveness in treating trauma and anxiety by influencing the nervous system. Neuroimaging studies utilizing EEG and fMRI have shown that EMDR facilitates communication between the brain's left and right hemispheres, an important factor in trauma recovery. This improved inter-hemispheric communication supports emotional processing and cognitive function.
By targeting the underlying nervous system imbalances, EMDR can be an effective tool for enhancing executive function. It helps individuals process distressing memories and emotions, reducing the physiological arousal associated with the sympathetic system and promoting a more balanced and resilient state of mental health. For those struggling with stress-related cognitive impairments, EMDR provides a pathway to recovery and improved mental performance.