Dear fellow neurodivergent parent,

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by your child’s stimming or wondered about your own habits and mental health—like tapping, pacing, or humming—this is for you. Stimming isn’t something to fear or fix. It’s as normal for neurodivergent individuals as breathing, and embracing it can help us thrive as parents, partners, and individuals.

Let’s explore what stimming is, why it’s so important, and how we can reduce the shame and stigma around it—for ourselves and our kids.

What Is Stimming?

Stimming, short for “self-stimulatory behavior,” refers to repetitive actions that help regulate emotions or sensory experiences. For neurodivergent individuals, stimming is a natural and meaningful way to:

• Find calm during overwhelming moments.

• Process sensory input in a world that can feel too loud or chaotic.

• Express emotions when words aren’t enough.

Some common examples of stimming include:

• Hand-flapping or finger-tapping

• Rocking back and forth

• Twirling hair or spinning objects

• Repeating words or phrases (echolalia)

• Playing with sensory toys like fidgets

Why Do Neurodivergent Individuals Stim?

Stimming helps the brain regulate itself, much like taking deep breaths when stressed. For neurodivergent individuals, it can serve a variety of purposes:

1. Regulating Sensory Input

The neurodivergent brain processes sensory input differently. Stimming helps block out overwhelming sensations or provides the stimulation needed to stay focused.

2. Managing Emotions

Big feelings—whether they’re joy, anxiety, or frustration—can feel even bigger for neurodivergent people. Stimming helps release and balance these emotions.

3. Communicating Needs

For individuals who are nonverbal or struggle with emotional expression, stimming can be a way to communicate: I’m excited, I’m stressed, or I need space.

How Does Stimming Impact Mental Health?

When embraced, stimming has many positive effects on mental health. However, societal misunderstanding and stigma can create challenges.

The Positives

• Stress Relief: Stimming acts as a natural stress reliever, like a built-in coping mechanism.

• Focus and Grounding: It helps redirect attention and provides comfort in high-pressure situations.

• Self-Expression: Stimming can be joyful and empowering, offering a way to feel connected to your body and emotions.

The Challenges

The real problem isn’t stimming—it’s how the world reacts to it. Misunderstanding, judgment, and pressure to “stop” stimming can lead to:

• Shame and Anxiety: Feeling judged for stimming can cause self-doubt and emotional distress.

• Masking Behavior: Suppressing stimming to fit in can result in burnout, sensory overload, and emotional dysregulation.

How to Reduce Shame Around Stimming

Here’s the good news: you have the power to create a world where stimming is accepted and celebrated—starting in your own home.

1. Normalize Stimming

Talk about stimming as a natural and healthy behavior. Explain to your kids (and remind yourself!) that it’s their body’s way of taking care of them.

2. Create Safe Stimming Spaces

Make sure your home, school, or work environment allows for stimming without judgment. This might mean giving your child access to sensory tools or advocating for understanding with teachers and caregivers.

3. Reframe Stimming as a Superpower

Instead of seeing stimming as a distraction or “quirk,” celebrate it as a strength. It’s a tool that helps neurodivergent individuals process the world in their own unique way.

4. Use Tools and Resources

Fidget toys, weighted blankets, and other sensory-friendly items can make stimming more accessible and enjoyable.

My Journey as a Neurodivergent Mom

I’ll be honest—embracing stimming hasn’t always been easy. Growing up, I was told to “stop fidgeting” or “sit still,” and I carried that shame for years. But as I learned more about my neurodivergent brain, I realized stimming wasn’t something to hide—it was a way to thrive.

Now, as a mom, I let my kids see me stim. When I tap my fingers during a tough moment or hum to calm myself, I’m showing them it’s okay to regulate their emotions in their own way. In turn, they’ve felt freer to flap, spin, and stim without fear of judgment.

Additional Resources for Parents

If you’d like to learn more about stimming and how to support neurodivergent individuals, here are some helpful tools:

• Books:

• Uniquely Human: A Different Way of Seeing Autism by Barry M. Prizant

• NeuroTribes: The Legacy of Autism and the Future of Neurodiversity by Steve Silberman

• Online Communities:

• Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN)

• ADDitude Magazine

• Sensory Tools:

• Fidget spinners, chewable jewelry, and noise-canceling headphones are widely available online and in stores.

Stimming Is a Superpower, Not a Problem

Here’s the truth: stimming is as normal as breathing. It’s not something we need to fix or hide—it’s a vital part of how neurodivergent individuals thrive.

When we embrace stimming as a strength, we create a world where neurodivergent people feel safe, accepted, and celebrated—for exactly who they are.

With love and understanding,

Jamie

As a neurodivergent mom navigating the ups and downs of parenting, I’ve personally experienced how life-changing Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can be. EMDR therapy gave me the tools to process my past, calm my nervous system, and show up as the mindful parent I’ve always wanted to be. For neurodivergent moms and other individuals like me, who often feel overstimulated and overwhelmed, EMDR offers a path to healing that feels safe, supportive, and empowering.

What Is EMDR?

EMDR is a therapy designed to help people process and release distressing memories. It uses guided movements, like following a therapist’s fingers, or other forms of bilateral stimulation to help the brain “reorganize” how it stores past experiences. It’s been widely studied for trauma, but recent research is shining a light on its potential benefits for neurodivergent individuals, including those with ADHD and autism.

Benefits of EMDR for Neurodivergent Individuals

1. Emotional Regulation
   For neurodivergent moms, processing emotions can sometimes feel like navigating a storm. EMDR helps calm those emotional waves by addressing the root of the distress. I found it transformative in helping me respond rather than react during challenging parenting moments.
2. Reduction in Anxiety and Stress
   EMDR can help untangle the web of anxiety that many neurodivergent people face daily. By reprocessing triggering memories, EMDR can reduce the weight of worry and create space for a greater sense of peace.
3. Improved Focus and Clarity
   For those with ADHD, unresolved stress or trauma can make it harder to focus. EMDR helps clear mental clutter, allowing individuals to approach tasks with a clearer mind.
4. Boosted Confidence and Self-Worth
   Negative self-talk can be a constant companion for neurodivergent individuals. EMDR replaces those intrusive thoughts with healthier, affirming beliefs. Personally, it’s helped me shift from “I’m not good enough” to “I am more than enough.”
5. Stronger Relationships
   As a mom, I’ve seen firsthand how EMDR has made me more present and connected with my kids. Many neurodivergent individuals also find it helps reduce social anxiety, making it easier to connect with others.

How EMDR Can Be Adapted for Neurodivergent Individuals

The neurodivergent brain is beautifully unique, and EMDR works best when tailored to each person’s needs. Here are some ways therapists can adapt EMDR for neurodivergent individuals:

• Clear and Simple Communication
  Therapists can explain EMDR techniques in plain language and use visual aids to help individuals understand the process.
• Sensory Sensitivity Awareness
  Creating a sensory-friendly environment—whether that means dimming lights or avoiding certain sounds—can make the experience more comfortable.

• Building Trust
  A strong therapeutic relationship is key. This means therapists need to meet clients where they are and move at a pace that feels right.

Potential Challenges and How to Address Them

While EMDR is incredibly effective, neurodivergent individuals might face unique challenges:

• Communication Differences
  Some neurodivergent individuals may struggle to articulate their feelings or experiences. A therapist skilled in alternative communication methods can bridge this gap.
• Sensory Overload
  The bilateral stimulation used in EMDR can sometimes feel overwhelming. Therapists can modify techniques to suit sensory preferences, such as using gentle tapping instead of eye movements.

By being aware of these potential challenges, EMDR therapists can ensure that neurodivergent individuals feel supported and understood throughout their healing journey.

The Personal Impact of EMDR for Neurodivergent Moms

As a neurodivergent mom, my EMDR sessions felt like peeling back layers of doubt, fear, and overwhelm to uncover the confident, mindful parent within. It’s helped me stay present during meltdowns, embrace imperfection, and give my kids the unconditional love they deserve.

If you’re a neurodivergent individual considering EMDR, know that it’s more than a therapy—it’s a gift to yourself and those you love.

As an EMDR therapist living with ADHD and childhood trauma, I’ve seen firsthand how these experiences intertwine. Many neurodivergent moms with ADHD have also faced developmental trauma, often rooted in neglect or emotional abandonment. When caregivers fail to provide the nurturing support that neurodivergent children need, it can leave lasting wounds. If you’re an ADHD mom navigating these challenges, you’re not alone. Here are common core wounds and reflections on how to start healing.

1. Self-Esteem Struggles

When caregivers don’t understand or validate us as children, we can grow up feeling fundamentally flawed or unworthy of love.

• The Challenge: If my caregivers couldn’t see and accept the real me, does that mean I’m unlovable?

• The Work: As an EMDR therapist, I know that healing begins with confronting these deeply held beliefs. We can reprocess past experiences, challenge negative self-perceptions, and cultivate self-compassion. You are not broken—you are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are.

2. People-Pleasing Tendencies

Many ADHD trauma survivors learn to prioritize others’ needs in hopes of earning love and approval, often at the cost of their own well-being.

• The Challenge: Maybe if I meet everyone’s demands and expectations, I’ll finally be enough.

• The Work: Setting boundaries and respecting your own capacity is deeply uncomfortable but transformative. EMDR can help desensitize the fear of rejection and build confidence in your worth, even when you can’t be everything for everyone. True connection doesn’t require you to sacrifice yourself.

3. Chronic Burnout

For neurodivergent moms with trauma histories, the drive to “keep it together” and mask struggles can lead to overwhelming burnout. The pressure to appear in control often drains what little energy remains.

• The Challenge: I can’t let anyone see me struggling; I have to handle it all.

• The Work: Vulnerability is a strength. Allowing others to see you when you’re struggling—and seeking support when you need it—can be deeply healing. EMDR therapy can address the underlying fear of showing weakness and help you cultivate safe, trusting connections.

4. Rejection Sensitivity

Rejection sensitivity can be heightened by ADHD and trauma, making even small interactions feel intensely painful or anxiety-provoking.

• The Challenge: I’m always bracing for rejection. Will I be hurt again?

• The Work: Healing involves learning to trust yourself and others again. With EMDR, we can reprocess past rejections and reduce the emotional charge they hold. By showing up as your true self, you create space for authentic connections with those who genuinely accept you.

5. Demand Avoidance

For ADHD trauma survivors, even basic tasks can feel overwhelming and painful. If you weren’t given nurturing support and life skills as a child, adult responsibilities can trigger deep feelings of inadequacy.

• The Challenge: I can’t meet everyone’s expectations when I’ve never been properly cared for myself.

• The Work: Grieving what you didn’t receive is part of the process. EMDR therapy can help you reprocess unmet needs and find ways to care for your inner child. Building gentle routines and prioritizing self-compassion can make “adulting” less overwhelming.

6. Perfectionism and Performance

Many neurodivergent moms with trauma feel driven to be perfect, hoping to earn love and validation through flawless performance.

• The Challenge: I need to be perfect to be valued or loved.

• The Work: Perfection is not the answer; it’s often a protective response to past wounds. EMDR therapy can help you let go of this exhausting cycle, showing you that you’re enough, just as you are. Embracing imperfection allows you to be present and authentic, for yourself and your family.

Finding Healing as an ADHD Mom

Living with ADHD and trauma is complex, but healing is possible. Through EMDR therapy, I’ve witnessed powerful transformations. We can reprocess painful memories, reduce triggers, and challenge deeply rooted beliefs that no longer serve us.

Healing involves self-compassion, boundary-setting, and finding supportive spaces where you can be fully seen and accepted.

You are not alone. You are not broken. You deserve to heal, thrive, and live authentically.

Does this resonate with you? Let’s create a space to share, reflect, and support one another on the path to healing.

With love,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW