Adult-ing can be really hard. One thing that makes it easier is having a healthy social circle of people you can rely on in times of stress. As discussed in last week's post, socialization is one major player in the vast array of things effecting our overall mental health. However, I often hear from clients how difficult it is to expand their social circle and increase their supports. After college or high school we kind of run out of the large pool of prospective individuals that we can potentially make into long lasting friendships. After school, we move away, have difficult schedules that don’t seem to match up or just end up with very different life stages or interests. So where do we go from here? Here are some ideas for working on strengthening and expanding your social-circle:
1. Reach out to a Colleague at Work
Once school is over, work becomes the new place to meet people, who you are around often, and build new relationships that can turn into supportive and beneficial friendships. You can start by having lunch with your colleagues, discussing similar challenges or experiences you share at work and similar interests that brought you both to that field. Once you are work buddies you can move to inviting them out for dinner or a community trip (wine tasting, movie night, hiking or beach day). Like all things if you nurture the relationship it should grow and blossom.
2. Volunteer
Volunteering is a great option for stay-at-home parents, who don’t have the option of meeting people at work. Or the busy-bodies who just love to fill their “free-time” with something to do. Often volunteers come to the same place again and again on the same days so you can see the same people and begin to develop rapport with them. Volunteering also just is a nice way to give back and often makes us feel good about ourselves for being a part of “something bigger” or for helping someone else in need.
3. Coffee Time with a Friend
Coffee dates are a great way to reconnect with an old friend after work, on the weekend or anytime you have an hour or so free. They can also be a really inexpensive way to just get out of your house and feel connected to another human. If you don’t like coffee, lunch or tea is always a good option.
4. Call a Loved One Regularly
Time easily can escape us. Setting up a set time to check in with mom, dad, an aunt or a sibling weekly or biweekly can help us to remember to connect with those we love. The consistency in communication will serve to strengthen your relationship and make you feel more comfortable discussing concerns with them should you need support in the future.
5. Plan an Outing Once a Month
In Covid times I know this can be difficult. So maybe for now it’s a virtual game night if your not comfortable with groups just yet. Outdoors is also a great option, such as an organized hike. There are truly so many beautiful places on Long island to visit my favorites include: Elizabeth Morton Sanctuary, Nissequogue State Park, Montauk Point, Jones Beach (really any beach I’m happy) and Blydenburgh County Park. You can also visit the vineyard, go apple picking (or really any seasonal picking) or go to a drive-in movie. An added bonus is that planning an event gives you something to look forward to, which is always a great mood booster.
6. Call or Email an Old Friend
Reconnecting with an old friend that you lost touch with can be a good mood booster and possibly open up an avenue to rekindling that friendship. Sometimes we just fall out of touch and a phone call or email can go a long way to bringing back the closeness you once had.
7. Get a Work-Out Buddy
This helps you two-fold: 1) it is a designated time to spend with a friend, family member or partner which is sure to build your relationship and 2) it makes it more likely that you will exercise consistently which is proven to boost mood and help regulate stress.
8. Schedule a Weekly Dinner Date
I tell all my adult how have partners, especially married with kids, to schedule in date night. It’s so essential to get that alone time. I do understand weekly may not be in everyone babysitting budget but even biweekly or once a month can go a long way to improving your relationship with your partner. If you are not dating or married a girls night or out night weekly with friends is always a great stress-reliever as well.
9. Join a Gym Class or a Club
Seems silly but if you commit to something weekly like a class or a club, you will see the same people there every week! Even better, they are likely to have similar interests. It’s a good practice of self-care and a good way to expand your social circle.
10. Ask a Friend Over for Dinner
Now this can be an old friend, a colleague you are getting closer with, you can do a double date night with your partners. Whatever works for you. For the parents out there, asking one of your child’s close friend’s parents over for dinner (and a play date) is a great way to again expand that social circle.
What to do When you are too Stressed to Even Begin?
So I know that making friend’s is not as easy as checking off some of those to-do items listed above for everyone. Some people may have social anxiety or low self-esteem or really nagging self-talk that can make them feel really stuck when starting this process. If that sounds like you, please reach out to our office. We would love to help you work through those stressors, anxieties and negative thoughts so you can start building the life you really want.
Stay Shining,
It’s a known fact that our species are social beings. We evolved by living in communities relying on one-another to help us meet our daily needs like: food, child-care, shelter, safety, and of course emotional well being. Nowadays though, that sense of community seems to have dissipated in our individualistic society. Life get’s busy, we have to work, we have to pay our bills and socialization has become more of a luxury than a daily given. But it truly is essential for our emotional and mental well being to have a supportive network of friends and family to help us through tough times.
Socialization & Brain Chemistry
One of the most calming experiences can be to spend time with people who make you feel loved and understood. Face-to face interaction can counter act our body’s “fight or flight” response by releasing a slew of hormones that elevate our mood. When we socialize with those we love our brain releases “oxytocin” which is a lovely little chemical that boosts mood. Oxytocin is produced by a part of the brain which is instrumental in regulating many of the most basic and necessary physical rhythms of the body: sleep, hunger, thirst, and emotional reaction. Oxytocin has also been shown to be the driving factor in the triggering of another fabulous chemical “Dopamine”. Dopamine release signals feelings of pleasure and supports behaviors we need to survive- such as eating, drinking and procreating.
Socialization & Reduction of Dementia Risks
Building social networks and participating in social activities are like exercises for your brain because they keep your mind agile and improve cognitive function. In a California study published by the American Journal of Public Health, researchers reported that older women who managed large social networks reduced their risk of dementia by 26%. Furthermore, women who had daily contact with their individuals in their social circle cut their risk of dementia by almost half!
Socialization Effects on Depression & Anxiety
Close supportive relationships with friends, family and colleagues act as a buffer to hashes of the real world. They improve our feelings of self-worth, lower our symptoms of depression and anxiety and help us to feel accepted. When you have loved ones to lean on in times of stress and to fill your life with fulfilling activities, you are less likely to struggle with anxiety and depression related symptoms.
Socialization & Stress
Socializing is just a good way in general to take your mind off the stressors of life. Participating in social activities alleviates pressure, gives us something to look forward to on the hard days and take our mind off of stressors easier than when we do activities alone.
In Summation
Socialization is a basic NEED. We all need to feel loved and accepted by others. It fuels our brain chemistry; affecting our mood, diet, thought patterns and self-esteem. If you or a loved one need help in becoming more social due to struggling with mental health symptoms, we would be glad to help you get there. Contact our office to see how we can assist you in moving towards the life you want and deserve.
Stay Shining,
The first three minutes of a conflict have a direct relationship with the outcome of that conflict in particular, and the future success of that relationship in general (Schwartz- Gottman & Gottman, 2015). It can be very challenging to get our point across while also not becoming overly activated to the point where we shut down or start throwing metaphorically punches at the other person. This can be even more of a daunting task during an emotionally charged situation. Below are what Schwartz Gottman & Gottman refer to as the “Four Horseman of Relationship Apocalypse,” which can lead to resentment, fractured communication and feeling disconnected from your partner. The first two can be viewed as figurative “weapons” to put down our partner while the last two can be seen as symbolic “shields” to protect ourselves during an argument.
1. Criticism
Criticism occurs when we blame a relationship problem on a trait of a particular partner. This only leads to resentment and can get in the way of clearly explaining what we want from our partner.
2. Contempt
Contempt can manifest as blame, putdowns or name-calling. Aside from belittling being far outside the realm of a healthy relationship, contempt conveys mocking or superiority and actually impacts the immune system of the listener (Schwartz Gottman & Gottman, 2015). It is the most corrosive of the Four Horsemen and can be verbal or non-verbal in the form of an eye-roll or smirk.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness can be defined as an attempt at self-protection through innocent victimhood or righteous indignation to ward off a perceived “attack”. Defensiveness is different from criticism in that defensiveness is a “counter-attack” to a complaint. This is the most difficult of the four horseman to overcome because it prevents the listener from hearing the speaker’s attempt for a bid for affection by hyper focusing on their partner’s disapproval. In this way, we wind up getting in our way when we are defensive because we only hear disrespect rather than our partner’s desire for connection. The antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility. Much to our chagrin, taking responsibility for part of the problem is a requirement to addressing an issue and enhancing our connection to our partner.
4. Stone-walling
Stone-walling is the metaphorical shield we use when we shut down by not reacting at all. When this happens we check out of the conversation and are no longer able to hear what our partner is telling us. During an argument, our physiological “Fight, Flight or Freeze” response system is active and unless we learn to manage our own and respect the stress level of the other person, we can create a recipe for disaster. This is why taking breaks can be very effective when a conflict gets too heated. When we recognize that we are listening to respond rather than listening to understand or have an increased heart rate, we should assess if it’s time to time a few moments to decompress with the understanding that both parties will return to the conversation at a mutually agreed upon time.
If any of these elements sounds like communication patterns in your relationship, working with a therapist to replace the Four Horsemen with Conflict Management Skills can greatly improve communication and connection with your partner. Together we can unveil each individual’s bids for attention in each argument so each party can hear and address the other’s desire to enhance their connection and support for one another.
Be well,
Long Island EMDR is proud to announce that Great Neck Library is hosting us for a free webinar for the public on depression in a pandemic! Our very own Alexandria Fairchild, LMSW will be presenting. The presentation will cover the following:
"Depression is a debilitating illness. Those who struggle with depression are familiar with the well-meaning advice from family and friends, however the lack of motivation and overall apathy toward life make it almost impossible to incorporate any of their suggestions. The COVID-19 pandemic has exasperated existing mental health challenges for many, with isolation, loneliness, inactivity, fear, and hopelessness becoming all too familiar. This presentation will give you valuable knowledge, insight, and most importantly, foster hope that there is a way out of depression for yourself and/or those you care about. "
How to Attend:
Download the Zoom app on your device or go to zoom.us/join and enter the meeting ID and passcode. You can also dial in at 1 (646) 558-8656.
zoom.us/j/93729687981?pwd=Nk9ja3Q2MURvV0kzY3JETVRWZTN0dz09
Meeting ID: 937 2968 7981 - Passcode: 514799
While depression and anxiety are two very separate mental health issues, they often go hand in hand with one another. They fuel one another: anxiety can lead to depression; depression can lead to anxiety. When these two play off one another it can feel debilitating for the individual struggling with these ailments. In this article we will look at how these conditions play on one another and how to get treatment for them.
Why Depression and Anxiety Go Hand in Hand
It has been estimated that about half the people struggling with either depression or anxiety have both conditions at the same time. For each person experiencing this the cause can be different. Some individuals struggle with both disorders simultaneously, others have one condition trigger the other. For example, if you are struggling with anxiety and worry is preventing you from completing needed tasks or being productive, this can easily lead to negative thoughts and feelings of hopelessness about your situation. In this instance, over tie your anxiety can lead to depression.
Here are some signs you may be suffering from both:
- Irrational fear and worry about the world around you
- Physical symptoms, such as headaches, fatigue, difficulty breathing and rapid heartbeat
- Insomnia and other troubles sleeping
- Loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed or those activities cause panic attacks
- Difficulty remembering things and making decisions
- Inability to relax, even under normal circumstances
- Panic attacks
Everyone experiences mental health concerns differently. If you are experiencing any of the above symptoms, it may be time to check in with your doctor and get help. Early intervention is the best way to ensure these concerns do not begin to interfere significantly with your every day functioning.
Anxiety and depression are both very treatable forms of mental illness. With medication, therapy, and other forms of intervention, you can overcome your symptoms and begin to feel like yourself again. Whether you struggle with depression, anxiety or both simultaneously, a qualified therapist can help you begin to regain your life. A therapist will help you to: identify symptoms, triggers, and learn healthy ways of coping. With time, practice and some self-exploration therapy can help you to begin to live a life that you enjoy living. If you need help, please feel free to contact our office for a consultation and more information on how we an assist you.
Keep Shining,
As parents we strive to keep our kids, safe, healthy and happy. We tire endlessly in this pursuit from the minute they’re born to when they leave the nest. From baby proofing, to being a personal chauffeur to their many activities; monitoring their online activity to trying to hide vegetables in their dinner- its a job that never does seem to end. Teen depression is a factor that can complicate our job even further.
Despite our best efforts to keep them safe, healthy and happy, it is increasingly difficult to protect our kids from mental health concerns like depression. According to the National Comorbidity Survey-Adolescent Supplement (NCS-A), depression affects roughly 11% of adolescents by age 18.
If you are unsure as to whether your own child may be suffering from depression, here are 6 signs to look for:
1. Intense and Frequent Mood Swings
All teens struggle with raging hormones that do make mood swings just par for the course when raising a teen. However, teens with depression experience mood swings on another level. They display more frequent and intense mood swings in and out of anger, sadness and irritability.
2. A Uncharacteristic Drop in Academics
A drop in grades or sudden apathy for school in general can be a sign that your teen is struggling with depression. Cutting classes, lateness or missing assignments can be a signal that something isn’t quite right. Especially, when your child was one that had been previously a pretty good student.
3. Changes in Social Behavior
Many teens isolate when they become depressed. They stop seeing friends, retreat to their rooms and stop talking so much about what’s going on in their day. Other kids who are depressed will have a change in social group, maybe with some peers that you may find questionable. To manage how they feel they may begin to engage in some self-destructive behavior. Changes in social behavior are another big sign that your teen may be struggling with depression.
4. A Loss of Interest in Their Favorite Activities
If your child has stopped engaging in some of the things you know they once really loved and enjoyed, it’s an indication that something is not right. Apathy and lack of interest are signs of depression. Yes some children do “grow out” of activities, be it sports, music or art. But if what they loved to do is not replaced by a new passion or hobby, it may be that they are really struggling to feel happy engaging in anything- even the things that used to bring them immense joy.
5. A Lack of Motivation
I know teens are generally not known for being super motivated. However teens with depression you will see a significant decrease in their motivation level. This may show up in school, in their desire to go to extra curricular activities, see friends, or comply with chores around the home.
6. A Family History of Depression
Depression can be genetic. So if you have a family history of depression, there is a chance that your teen will struggle with depression as well.
If you have noticed any of these signs in your teen, it is important to seek help. You can start with your school guidance counselor or pediatrician to get their feedback on if they think depression may be the cause.
Therapy can help teens to cope with their symptoms, learn their triggers and develop healthy ways of managing their emotions. If you are concerned for your teen’s safety or mental health, please contact us today.
Stay Shining,
Stress is defined as a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances. Stress is an unavoidable, normal bodily reaction to the challenges of daily life. Stress is a sign that you are alive; that you are pushing yourself and have care and concern for the people and situations that surround you.
Stress becomes a problem when the amount and severity of stress exceeds your capacity to cope. Some signs that stress may be taking a negative toll on your body and mind include exhaustion, chest pain, headaches, muscle tension, excessive worry, panic attacks, hopelessness, feeling overwhelmed, irritability, sadness, or engaging excessively in unhealthy behaviors (i.e. drinking/drug use, shopping, overeating, sex, or gambling).
Stress in unavoidable. However, consistent practice of healthy coping skills can reduce the detrimental impact stress can have on your overall well-being. Here are five 5-minute stress busters; 5 simple things you can do in 5 minutes or less to reduce the negative impact of stress in your life.
1. Jump!
Engage in 4 sets of jumping jacks for 45 seconds on, and 15 seconds of rest. Intense cardiovascular exercise reduces levels of the body’s stress hormones (adrenaline and cortisol) while increasing the feel-good endorphins (dopamine and serotonin). Exercise also forces you to be fully engrossed the present moment, giving your mind a welcome reprieve from your current worries.
2. Breathe.
The breathing method known as the 4-7-8 Breathing Technique has been scientifically proven to regulate cortisol, which controls your body’s fight or flight response. Find a comfortable position, and set a timer for five minutes. If you can, close your eyes. Breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds, hold the breath for 7 seconds, and exhale through your mouth for 8 seconds. By doing so, you are teaching your body to counteract the activation of the parasympathetic nervous system that occurs during stressful situations, which will help you to feel calmer and more at ease.
3. Write.
Writing is extremely therapeutic. Writing down the often big, scary, and chaotic thoughts that accompany stress can result in these thoughts becoming more tangible and less frightening than they were when they only existed in your head. Once you can see the problem more clearly, the solution doesn’t seem so daunting and out of reach. Try writing try a stream of consciousness style of writing, in which you write what is causing you stress for 4 minutes. Next, reread your writing and sort out what you can versus what you cannot control of the what you have written down. Recommit to doing your best towards what is within your control, and crumple up the paper to symbolize letting go of the worries that are out of your control.
4. Be Mindful.
Mindfulness is defined as engaging in a set of practices that anchor you to the present moment. Most stress results not only from the events themselves, but the negative projections into the future about how overbearing or overwhelming the stressor will be once we experience it. Being mindful to stay in the present moment can help you to slow down and clear away unnecessary, self-induced stress. Many of our worries never actually come to fruition. Take five minutes to pay attention to the sights, smells, sounds, touches, and tastes that surround. Repeat the positive affirmation “You are where your feet are” in an effort to remind you that you don’t have to be ten steps ahead of yourself; all you need to be is right here, and right now.
5. Laugh!
Many of us are guilty of taking ourselves far too seriously. Luckily, we live an era where we have endless entertainment at our fingertips, so why not take advantage of it? Type in your internet search engine, “Funniest animal videos”, “funniest TV bloopers” or “funniest stand-up comedy clips,” and give yourself 5 minutes to watch and laugh. Laughing helps to relieve your body’s stress response, relieve tension by relaxing your muscles, enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart and lungs, and increases endorphin production. It’s no wonder that they say laughter is the best medicine.
Stress can be crippling, but it doesn’t have to be.
Take preventative measures to manage your stress with these helpful techniques, and you will be able to cope effectively with whatever life throws your way. If you need help managing stress give our office a call, we'd love to help you start living a life you can enjoy!
– Alexandria (Alex) Fairchild, LMSW
Grief is a normal response to mourning the loss of a significant attachment figure. However, some people experience complicated grief characterized by an intense, prolonged mourning period focused on unhelpful, painful thoughts, dysfunctional behaviors and difficulty regulating emotions. When someone struggles with complicated grief, unique therapeutic interventions are required to address it. Complicated Grief Therapy involves seven core themes, including understanding grief, managing painful emotions, thinking about the future, strengthening relationships, telling the story of the death, learning to live with reminders and remembering the person who died. Many people with complicated grief believe that they cannot be connected to their lost loved one without constant emotional pain. Overtime this can strain relationships, prevent an individual from honoring the memory of the deceased and prohibit the person from truly being connected to their loved one. It is possible to achieve meaningful relationships while still remaining connected to the deceased with the assistance of a Complicated Grief Therapist. Psychologist, J. William Worden named the four tasks of mourning which allow us to see how integrating loss into our lives does not erase their memories, but rather preserves our connections to them.
1. Accepting the Loss
Sometimes grief can become complicated by unhelpful, often catastrophizing thoughts that cause some people to feel they are not grieving “the right way” if they come to terms with their loss. These thoughts cause people to have dysfunctional behaviors, such as avoiding places that remind them of their loved one or constantly day dreaming about their loved one. When we distract ourselves from painful emotions with avoidant behaviors, we inadvertently keep ourselves stuck in a place that prevents us from experiencing pleasant moments of connection to our lost loved one. A main concern for people with Complicated Grief is that they might forget or dishonor their relationship with the deceased if they accept the loss. However when we spend our time refusing to accept the loss, we actually reframe our relationship with the lost loved one around their death rather than the joy and connection shared with them when they were alive.
2. Process the Pain and Grief of the Loss
Grief is a natural, emotional process that involves a balance between times of pain and sadness and times of respite where we are able set aside out grief for a time. Those with complicated grief have difficulty stepping out of their grief and inadvertently redefine who the deceased was as a perfect being. This means that we wind up moving away from the true identity of the deceased and our actual relationship with them. In an attempt to stay connected to this idealized person we hyper focus on reminders of them to feel close to them. Despite focusing on things that exacerbate their feelings of loss, we are unable to process our pain because we stay in a place where we are so overwhelmed by our grief that we are unable to cope or connect with our loved one. Allowing ourselves time and space to heal does not mean we have forgotten our loved one. In actuality permitting ourselves to process our pain will enhance our connection to the deceased by granting ourselves the ability to truly remember who they were and to cherish our memories of the true lost loved one.
3. Adjust to the World Without the Lost Loved One
Important people in our lives often take on specific roles. This adds another lay of adjustment and grief after someone close to us has died. We may have to take on more house chores and errands which can serve as additional reminders of the loss or we may have to go to events that we would have gone to with the deceased alone. All of these tasks call on us to adjust to the world without the deceased, not to forget them. When we are unable to make these changes we diminish our capacity to function in the world.
4. Integrate the Loss into A Meaningful Life
The purpose of Complicated Grief counseling is to integrate the loss into the survivor’s life in a way that allows the surviving person to feel connected to the deceased while still being able to function and feel joy in their lives. The purpose of integration is to create a healing process that celebrates the bond between the survivor and the deceased and highlights the joy experienced with the deceased rather than defining the relationship by the pain experienced as a result of the deceased’s death.
Grief is not a voyage from which we eventually return unchanged. We hold people who we have formed close connections with in our hearts, even after they have passed away. If you feel you have been in a prolonged, intense state of grief that has prevented you from living a meaningful life while maintaining a connection to your lost loved one, please call our office so we can work on adjusting to the present and redefining the future.
Be Well,
In todays society I feel many people, especially the younger generations are just completely absorbed in technology. They stare mindlessly into their smart phones, I-pad, laptop etc. and unfortunately miss the beauty that surrounds them. It can be a very humbling and awe inspiring experience when you realize the vastness of nature that surrounds you; even in midst of heavily trafficked suburban areas or on your drive to work, nature is pervasive.
Making Nature Fun
Walking through your local parks, forests, etc. with your children and really looking around and enjoying the present moment yields a much different experience than that of what many experience in todays modern society. It promotes mindfulness, connectedness, togetherness and an appreciation for our earth. Getting your child away from the screens and bringing them through the trails of one of your local parks can be a great way to facilitate that connectivity between your surroundings and your family. To take it a step further, learning about the local plant life and the role it plays in your environment will not only deepen the bond that you and your child form with nature and your local habitat, but can also be a deeply satisfying and rewarding experience; soon enough your child may even be teaching you a few things. If just getting your little one away from paw patrol or bubble guppies and out into nature is enough of a task right now, that is perfectly fine. Maybe once out into the woods you create your own show (Pine Cone Patrol) that can only be experienced out in the wild (you would have to come up with the characters, character development, plot, illustrations, lighting, etc.; I can’t do everything).
Research on Benefits of Being in Nature
If the prospect of leaving the warm comfy couch cushions that have molded to the shapes of you and your little ones bodies is still too uncomfortable of a thought, listen up because there has actually been some very interesting research on the benefits of immersing oneself in nature and how it may benefit your overall health (I don’t think watching a few episodes of man vs. wild will have the same therapeutic effect).One such study conducted by Repke, Berry, Conway, Metcalf, Hensen and Phelan (2018) found that study participants who scored high on items determining their accessibility to nature (accessibility to nature measured as prevalence of parks or other pleasant natural features nearby, amount of time spent outdoors and how safe one feels being outdoors in the area they live) found that those that scored high on the accessibility to nature measure also showed statistically significant higher scores on mental health measures. Another interesting finding in this study is that those participants who had increased accessibility to nature also showed lower scores on a task that measured impulsivity in decision-making. More interesting yet, participants place of residence was also examined to assess their proximity to nature (natural land cover) in their area. Interestingly enough, it was found that geospatial proximity of the participants to nature had no significant effect on health measures or reducing impulsive decision-making.
These findings are interesting in that they may suggest that there is not so much a link between your proximity to nature and mental/physical health, but rather your relationship with the nature in your surrounding area is what positively impacts your health. Let’s be honest, we could all use some decreases in impulsivity and definitely decreases in stress! Knowing that simply exposing yourself to nature (No, not in that way!) can potentially provide these benefits for you and your child (did I mention it’s free…), why would you not take advantage of this? Go out there and hug a tree; connect with your children, your environment and become healthier in the process.
Stay Shining,
Reference:
Repke MA, Berry MS, Conway LG, III, Metcalf A, Hensen RM, Phelan C (2018) How does nature exposure make people healthier?: Evidence for the role of impulsivity and expanded space perception. PLoS ONE 13(8): e0202246. https:// doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0202246
Perfectionism is a defense mechanism many anxious people tend to struggle with. Many of our perfectionist clients struggle with the negative thoughts that they are not good enough unless they do everything 100% right 100&% of the time. Perfectionists tend to down play their accomplishments, have difficulty with minor changes in their desired outcome and struggle with constantly not living up to expectations, usually expectations that are not always very realistic in nature.
Where does perfectionism come from?
Perfectionism is rooted in shame. Perfectionism is driven by “what people think of you”, versus “staying true to yourself”, or ignoring the opinions of others. Research shows that shame is highly associated with perfectionism, depression, anxiety, addiction, aggression and much more. Perfectionism is often a cover for feelings of shame, stemming from the belief that what we do – or fail to do – is a direct reflection of who we are. Shame is a reaction that at times occurs when we interpret our actions, our standing, our very selves in the context of what is expected by friends, family and society at large. If we do not meet the expectations posed on us by others we can begin to blame ourselves and internalize that shame. When we don’t meet those expectations we feel anxious, vulnerable, and judged as “different”. This results in negative self-talk like: “I’m stupid,” “I’m unworthy,” or “I’m unlovable.” And if we believe these to be true, then surely other people will judge us just as harshly as we judge ourselves.
In order to combat this feeling of shame, we develop ways to subdue it, or mask it. Perfectionism is one such method; by shielding our imperfections and our insecurities from ourselves as well as those who might look down on us, we can keep the shame hidden. By achieving impossible standards, producing exceptional work, saying the most intelligent phrases, or by having an immaculate, beautiful home and/or personal appearance, we push away any opportunities for shame. We eliminate the chance for vulnerability or connection, thus lessening the opportunity for scrutiny or judgment. We are isolated.
How Do we Begin to Combat the Shame?
One essential process is that a person must talk about the shame to someone they can trust, like a therapist, so that they can experience safe vulnerability. The three essential steps in healing are:
- Understanding the exact nature of such shame by taking ownership of the problem behavior.
- Learning shame-resilience.
- Self-compassion.
- Embrace imperfection.
Step 1 Take Ownership:
The first step is to allow yourself to develop a relationship with a trusted therapist so you can allow yourself to truly be vulnerable and explore how shame is feeding your perfectionism. You could try a family member or trusted friend, but for many people, finding and speaking with a person bound to hold all your secrets and problem by confidentiality is the first step in truly putting your issues on the table.
Step 2 Shame-Resilience:
How does one become shame resilient? Well you start by identifying you shame triggers- what exactly is causing you to feel shameful? What are the beliefs about yourself and the world that are relating to this?
Step 3 Self-Compassion:
Self-compassion is essential in the healing process of working through shame. Learning to speak about yourself in reaction to it, as if you were speaking to someone you care about- you know without all the labeling and name-calling. Your therapist will be there to help you work through it and empathize with what you are feeling and experiencing.
Step 4 Embrace Imperfection:
Embracing imperfection is allowing yourself to just be, rather than expecting to be something better, someone who fits in. It is opening up to being vulnerable, first with yourself as you build up resiliency, then with others while you practice loving yourself despite how you are perceived. You can do this in small steps, selecting a small stone in your façade that will not reveal you to the world just yet but willallow you to practice having compassion for yourself. Maybe you let the dishes pile up for a few more hours than usual, wear mismatched socks, or let yourself be 5 minutes late to a social engagement. These small practices give you the chance to become enamored with your quirks and imperfections, using them as positive, somewhat silly, intentional reflections of your true self.
As always, if you would need help working through your struggles, our office is here to help. Please call us at 631-503-1539 to set up your first appointment and discuss how we can help you live a life you are proud of.
Stay Shining,