Being a mom is hard, being a mom who strives to meet your child’s every need is taxing but well worth the effort. How do we balance meeting our children’s needs and taking care of ourselves? Being a good mom doesn’t mean neglecting yourself for the sake of your baby. What your child needs most is a happy mama who is able to be their calm and support. Self-care is really important for both you and your little one. What self-care looks like and what that means for each person is different. At Long Island EMDR we provide Postpartum Therapy for moms experiencing postpartum depression and/or anxiety. Here is a list of suggestions of what you can do for self-care so afterwards, you are more ready and able to meet the needs of your little one.
- Support.
Support is number one because it makes taking a needed break possible. Utilizing grandparents, your partner, other family members or close friends is important. If you have supports around you, ask for help. I know we want to do it all but sometimes even someone coming by for you to cook without the baby on you or take a shower alone will help you to feel relaxed. I struggled the first few months with leaving my son for any stretch of time but if you are comfortable, a walk outside in the park or dinner out with your partner is a good way to relax and center yourself. As I said earlier just having someone come over so you can enjoy little things like cooking, showering, or reading alone may be the bit of relaxation you need.
Understandably, this is not always possible if you have a limited support network. The phrase “it takes a village” really is true so it is important that you work on building your supports. Finding like-minded parents that you feel comfortable leaving your child/children with can be a great source of relief.
No matter whom you leave your child with make sure they know how you want your child taken care of when you’re away. Tell them your preferences for medications. Teach them your child’s hunger cues and ways you soothe your child when he/she becomes upset. Always leave an emergency contact list.
- Exercise.
If possible go to the gym when your spouse is still home (before work or after). If you’re like me and that’s not possible, join a gym where you can bring your baby. I go to Fit4mom, which has the added benefit of also being a second support network of like-minded moms (at least in my location).
- Take a relaxing bath.
If you can’t get anyone to supervise your little ones, bring them in with you. My child loves baths. So its usually relaxation time for us both.
- Read.
I really love reading and always feel accomplished after I finish a good book.
- Take a walk!
If it’s nice out put on that baby carrier and take your baby with you. Just being outdoors is relaxing. Michael and I go on walks often. He likes to look at nature and usually is lulled to sleep while we walk. Fresh air and a change of scenery can be nice, especially in the early months where you may feel like your stuck in the house.
- Meditate.
Whether you have 5 minutes or an hour, meditation is a great way to relax and center yourself. I love the app Insight Timer they have all sorts of meditations and they vary in time commitments. I also love the “sleep” feature so you can drift off to sleep and the app turns off when the meditation is finished.
- Color.
Seriously. I know it sounds childish to some but there are an array of adult coloring books that really are quite relaxing to do.
- Gratitude Journal.
Did you know studies actually show you can train your brain to be more positive by writing down 3 positive things a day? The list should be specific, not “my husband, my child, work”, but more like ” my child is healthy”, “I’m able to breastfeed”, ” my husband is supporting me in returning (or not returning) to work”. Postpartum therapy can assist you in identifying what is going right if you are feeling so anxious or hopeless you cannot think of a single thing to be grateful for.
- Call a friend.
If you can’t get out and you have no one able to come to you, a phone call can be a lifeline. Call someone who is supportive and willing to listen. Catching up with a friend or relative can really brighten your day.
- Listen to music.
Even if it’s music on while you have a spare minute to vacuum the floor. Crank up some old jams and dance around yourself. I love to sing, my dancing skills are not so great (but I will still dance like a fool), and I find singing really helps to release anxiety.
Take care of yourself. On an airplane they always tell you to put your mask on first. You need to be calm and happy to help your child be calm and happy. You’re also modeling good coping strategies for your child. They learn more from what you do, then what you say.
If you need some more help with navigating postpartum symptoms and want to begin postpartum therapy, please reach out to our office.
Sending love and light,
In our world today, perfectionism is viewed as positive and fear of failure is frowned upon. Perfectionism is something people often consider more of a strength than a weakness. That constant desire for perfection can become unhealthy and irrational. Longing for a fulfilling life, lacking self-confidence, all-or-nothing, over-thinking, fear of failure, fear of judgement and what people think, significantly high standards, people pleasing, and craving guidance. Does any of this sound familiar to you? If so, you are far from alone.
As far back as I can remember, I struggled with this compulsive internal desire to be perfect and anything short of that was seen as failure. My perfectionism became intertwined with my sense of self; which is how perfectionist traits can become depleting. As I got older, I viewed my sense of perfectionism as one of my greatest strengths; well, likely because perfectionism is ultimately an illusion and the pursuit of perfection becomes a vicious cycle. Becoming self-aware and changing my mindset of perfection tendencies have been difficult for me and still requires daily effort and practice to increase self-compassion and decrease self-criticism.
I have come to realize that at the same time as we set unreasonable standards for ourselves, social media reinforces unrealistic standards and magnifies the fear of failure. With social media being a large part of our lives and our culture, it is often difficult to avoid. But it is possible to see beyond the illusion of being perfect and begin to change your mind set to become the best version of yourself that you can be. We ultimately get in our own way of living a fulfilling life.
Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is necessary to see beyond the illusion and become your best self. Healthy striving is self-focused: “How can I improve?” Perfectionism is other-focused: “What will they think?” It’s about creating an environment where imperfection isn’t just accepted but celebrated, because it means we’re human. Changing how you think about yourself is a work in progress. Allowing imperfection to happen and accepting it relieves that extra weight you have been carrying with you. Celebrate imperfections and get out of your own way!
Memes can be spread so easily, and pack so much emotion and relatability into a concise visual package, which has led their popularity to skyrocket. As meme popularity increased, so did different types of memes. Now you can find a meme to coincidence with any life experience you can think of. For many young adults, memes serve as a way to express emotions and relate to one another. They also put a funny and relatable spin on difficult issues, and help people to not feel as alone with the issues they are going through.
Once such issue is depression. Although depressive symptoms can sometimes be viewed as a trendy, philosophical, existential view of the world, depression is actually serious mental health diagnosis that involves persistent sadness, lack of motivation, hopelessness, and inability to find joy in life. If you believe you may be depressed, please contact a healthcare professional and get the help you deserve.
If you have depression, you know that one of the challenges in feeling that you are alone, that no one has ever experienced the despair you have experienced, and you have little to hope that things will get better. The fact countless results come up when you google, “Depression Memes” demonstrates that there are people out there that DO understand, and are trying to use humor as a way to cope. Here you will find this therapist’s 5 favorite “Depression Memes” explained from a therapeutic standpoint:
Sadness triggered by an event or situation is natural. Those who haven’t experienced depression often equate it with feeling sad. This results in many people offering advice on how to deal with depression by comparing it to how they overcame sadness in their lives. However, depression is more than sadness, and has can oftentimes have no “cut and dry” cause. Oftentimes, when you are depressed, family and friends will remind you of everything you have in your life in an effort to make you feel better. This may in fact make you feel worse, because you tell yourself, “You have no right to feel this way. Other people have it worse.” However, depression is real, and you have every right to feel the way you feel.
2.
“Cheer up!” “Do something that you love to do!” “Try to make yourself feel better!” These are common, misguided attempts from others help people with depression. Again, this may help someone is experiencing sadness, but depression is often accompanied a loss of interest in activities that you once found pleasurable. So, when you are depressed, engaging in activities that you used to enjoy seems pointless and monotonous. If anything, doing things you once loved may deepen feelings of hopelessness when you realize, as the character above has, that nothing makes you happy anymore.
3.
“Binge watching” has become the norm with the advent of streaming platforms, and is easy to fall into the trap of doing so, especially in coping with depression. Episodes play automatically one after the other, and shows are available for seasons at a time. The lack of energy combined with the lack of motivation experienced by the depressed person can make watching episode after episode an effortless pastime, while remaining sedentary for long periods of time can actually lead you deeper into a downward spiral.
4.
In addition to experiencing apathy, lack of motivation, and hopelessness, depression can have negative consequences on an individual’s ability to socialize. Depression can impact on how a person functions in the world and how they relate to others. Normal, everyday interactions with people can feel like the equivalent of lifting a 50lb weight. Individuals with depression often feel like they are a burden, which can cause them to limit their social interactions, or avoid socializing all together. It can often be difficult to “keep up appearances” and match the seemingly effortless flow of conversation with others. This can be exhausting, as shown by the expression of Michael B. Jordan in the meme above.
5.
Depression is often accompanied by negative, pervasive thought patterns. Someone with depression could be trying their best to get through the day, when without warning, self-rejecting, self-loathing thoughts intrude their mind. These thoughts can be all-consuming and debilitating, and combined with the lack of motivation and energy, have the capacity to quickly derail any bit of initiative the depressed person is taking toward maintaining their daily functioning.
Depression memes provide comic relief for a serious, dark, and challenging mental health diagnosis. The first step of recovering from this diagnosis is identifying that you have it. Again, if you believe you may be depressed, please contact a healthcare professional and get the help you deserve. Depression memes can allow you to feel a sense of connection that there are other people out there that understand. And if enough people out there understand the problem, the more hope that can be fostered for a solution.
- Alexandria (Alex) Fairchild, LMSW
Anxiety sucks. Sometimes it feels like our brains have been hijacked. We get caught on an endless hamster wheel of “what if’s”, self-doubt, and mind-reading that inevitably has us feeling worse. And no, I’m not going to tell you to just “stop worrying” because as a fellow anxious human I am well aware that if you could just stop- you would have by now. What I will say is we can make efforts every day to be more present, in the moment so that we lessen the amount of time we spend worrying and increase our enjoyment with what is going well in your life. Here are some of the top things that have helped my anxious clients, (and me), take back some control:
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Focus on right now.
As anxious people, a lot of us tend to be “planners”. We “must” figure out every detail and spend a lot of time thinking about our futures. Goals are great and can be super motivating and helpful but when the future is uncertain we are likely just feeding that anxiety monster in our brain. When you start worrying about something you cannot fix, control or solve right now put it away until you can think about it without the charged emotions or you are in a better place to tackle that issue. Instead, of running on that hamster wheel take a mental break. Pause. Breathe and pay attention to what’s happening right now. Ground yourself by identifying 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell and name 1 thing you are grateful for. Even if something serious is happening, taking that 30 seconds to focus on the present will help you calm so you can manage the situation at hand. -
Gratitude Journaling.
Seems silly but plenty of studies have shown that just by acknowledging specific things you are grateful for each day helps to rewire your brain to focus more on the positives than the negatives (as us anxious folx tend to do). Be specific though and work it into your routine. I have found each morning when I wake up or at night before bed seems to be the best times. There are even now apps for your phone that will prompt you to put in your gratitude entry for the day, our favorites are: "Presently: A Gratitude Journal" for Android and "Grateful: A Gratitude Journal" for IOS. For tips on how to make the most out of your gratitude journaling check out this super helpful article. -
Be an observer and accept your anxiety without judgment.
This I will say can take some practice but it is worth the time put in. It’s helpful to remember that anxious thoughts are just that- thoughts. They are not facts. They do not indicate something will happen, they are simply thoughts. It can be helpful to say to yourself “this is just my anxiety talking. I am okay” or “this feeling will pass”. Acknowledging our anxiety gives it less power, as we are not taking it as face value, just saying “hi I see you” and continuing on with our day. You have felt anxious before and though it does suck, you know it will pass. Trying to eliminate our anxiety sends the message that it is intolerable and only makes us to focus more of our attention on how we really dislike the feelings and sensations we are experiencing- serving to increase your panic. -
Focus on what is in your control.
There are a lot of things that stress us out that we have absolutely no control over. For example: the upcoming election, Covid-19, being laid-off, or having to do remote learning. Event's like these can be really tough for an anxious person because we feel we have no control. Focusing on what we can do helps us to not spiral, stay positive and have a healthier outlook on life. Here is an exerciseto help you look at whats in your control: Get a piece of paper and write at the top whatever your anxiety. Than make 2 columns: What can I control? What is out of my control? For visual learners this helps to be in the moment and truly rationalizing your anxious thoughts. Focusing on what we have control over makes us feel more in control. Which decreases our anxiety. -
Break down big goals into smaller steps.
For you future planners out there- break down the big stuff into littler steps.When there are 20 items on your to do list it can seem really overwhelming. Break it down over the week to what you can do each day. When you have a big task with lots of steps, write down the smaller steps and give yourself due dates for those steps. When you have large future goals you have no idea how you are going to accomplish (i.e. graduating school, getting your dream job, buying a home) set small goals to help you get there and focus on the small goals for now. Such as, setting aside money each paycheck for a house, or searching for a better job with a pay increase so you can afford to buy a house.
As always, if you feel you need further assistance managing your anxiety, contact a local therapist or speak with your doctor. Anxiety can be a really challenging thing to manage and seeking help to learn the skills you need to cope can have a significant positive impact on your overall health, well-being and future.
Returning to school may be challenging for parents and children alike. The pandemic is still not over and many children, teens and parents have concerns about staying safe once school starts. Moreover, we are not sure what to expect as far as new rules in the school and changes to their normal school routines. Though we cannot predict what will happen, it will be helpful to keep your child’s a home routine as normal as possible. Children may find it difficult to adjust back to their school routines after such a long break – parents may too. Here are some helpful tips to address their concerns and any possible behavioral issues:1. Be calm and comforting while communicating with your child.
It’s important to monitor your tone and facial expression. More than anything your child will be able to tell how your feel about these changes from these cues. If you seem worried it will only serve to heighten their anxiety. Make sure your facial expression and body positioning is relaxed; get down on your child’s level and offer comforting words.2. Listen and Validate Feelings.
This change is going to cause a range of emotions for kids some may be excited, happy, sad, scared, angry, worried or frustrated. Whatever the emotion, let your child now you understand where they are coming from. Take into account what they may be feeling and try to see the situation from their point of view. “ I understand you are frustrated you cannot sit next to your friends at lunch that is hard and I know you have been excited to go back to school so you can spend more time with them.” “I know understand you are worried about seeing your friends again when you have not seen them in so long. I know the first day will be hard but you are such a (funny/sweet/caring) boy/girl and I know you will reconnect with them again. Everyone has been away from their friends for a while and is probably feeling just like you.”3. Set Limits and Boundaries.
Help your child to see the bigger picture and help them to find solutions to their concerns. Let them know that it’s okay to have big feelings but some behaviors are just not acceptable. Be sure to remain, calm, clear and assertive in limit setting. “I know it is difficult to wake up so early again when you are so used to sleeping in late. We have to go back to school though. What can we do to make your morning routine easier for you?” “I know you are used to staying on Xbox late but we have to get back into school routine. The Xbox needs to go off by 8 o ‘clock.” “I see that you are upset but it is not okay to hit/bite/yell”What to Look Out For:
Covid-19 was a big adjustment for our kids and going back to school will be another big adjustment. Some children have a harder time expressing or stating their feelings and may display some of the following behaviors:- Changes in sleeping or eating habits, sleeping/eating less or more than their usual
- Isolating or withdrawing to their room
- Difficulty concentrating or “zoning out”
- Difficulty separating form their caregiver or becoming “clingy”
- Fidgeting and restlessness
- Irritability and moodiness
- School refusal
- Physical complaints such as stomach aches, headaches or feeling dizzy
- Looking for reassurance or asking a lot of questions
Listen for and acknowledge how your child is feeling.
By listening and looking for cues from our kids in what they are experiencing it gives us a starting point to say “hey are you frustrated/sad/worried/annoyed that school is starting up again?” Acceptance and a non-judgmental attitude will go a long way in getting your kid to not only share how they are feeling but to continue to open up about their concerns as time goes on. Monitor your body-language, tone of voice and facial expressions to ensure you are coming across as accepting, caring and non-judgmental. More important then what we say is how we say it. Kids pick up on those non-verbal cues, just like we do.Validate and normalize their perspective and experience.
Put yourself in their shoes and empathize with what they are going through. For example: “ I understand you are scared to see your friends again, I was nervous when I had to go back to work too.” “You feel worried about returning to school. It has been a lot of changes this month and you do not know what to expect.” “I can see you are super excited to go back to school and see all your friends!” “It’s hard adjusting to early wake-up times again, I hate mornings too. What are some things you are looking forward to in school that you missed?”Be curious about what this experience means to them.
If you are not sure how your child is feeling or what they may be thinking some curious questions may help you to gauge where they are at. Examples include: “How are you feeling about going to back school?” “I wonder if you may be feeling nervous about going back to school?” “What are you looking forward to most about going back to school?” “Are you concerned about changes to your school routine?Be encouraging and foster hope.
If your child is experiencing not-so-pleasant emotions try to help them problem solve, plan or find the silver lining. “I know you may be worried about taking the bus again, maybe we can see if you can sit with (the neighbor, your sibling, etc)” “I know this transition is really tough but it should be nice to see your friends again/get back into the classroom”Check-in after the school day is over.
This transition may be difficult for kids that were not expecting it to be difficult. Those that went in excited may feel disheartened by restrictions, those who were anxious may be more anxious because everyone was wearing masks. Check in with your child to see what they are experiencing. Examples include: “How was your day today?” “What was it like seeing friends again?” “What did you learn today?” “What did you like about today?” “Is anything worrying you?”Seek additional support if needed.
As always, if you need more support contact your school social worker, guidance counselor or contact a local therapist. How to quell your child’s anxiety when we are still unsure when schools are opening? With Covid-19 still very much a part of our daily lives and no real direction as to when things will go back to “normal” it can be challenging to ease your child’s anxiety about when school will start again. As a general rule these two things will help you- help them manage their anxiety and expectations.- Listen and Validate Feelings. I know this was discussed in a previous blog post (link post here) but it cannot be stressed enough. Whatever your child is feeling is totally valid. It’s scary to not know when things will open up again and life will go back to normal. Online learning has been challenging for many kids and it may very well continue to be challenging. Validating how they are feeling will go a long way in easing their anxiety even if you do not have any definite answers for them.
- ROUTINE! I cannot stress enough the importance of maintaining some kind of routine with kids during this crisis. Every day they should still wake up by a set time, eat: breakfast lunch dinner around the same time, do school work for a set period of time and schedule in some fun breaks. Breaks are important. In school kids have lunch, recess, music, art and gym class. It’s incorporated into their routine for a reason- kids need a mental break. Schedule set blocks of time for work and set blocks for break time- still structured and ideally not playing video games (as it’s often a struggle to get them to reengage after). Youtube and Pinterest have great ideas for craft projects for younger kids and art ideas for teens. I am a big fan of the “how to paint x” videos and origami instructional videos. Outside time to run and play is also a needed and welcomed activity especially for our kids who struggle with ADHD. Even a music break where you have a family dance party can help get some of their frustrated energy out. Heck you can even have them help make lunch or a fun snack (like ants on a log) for the kids who love to cook and bake. Creative outlets are so important for our youth.