Understanding People Pleasing

People pleasing is a behavior pattern that involves sacrificing one's own needs and desires in order to gain the approval of others. While wanting to make others happy is not inherently bad, constantly putting the needs of others above your own can have negative effects on your mental and emotional health.
At its core, people pleasing stems from a fear of rejection or a desire for acceptance. Those who struggle with people pleasing often have low self-esteem and feel that they need external validation to feel good about themselves. They may also fear that if they don't please others, they will be rejected or abandoned.
While people pleasing is often seen as a personality trait, it is actually a learned behavior. Children who are raised in homes where there is a lot of emphasis placed on pleasing others or avoiding conflict may develop people pleasing tendencies as a way to cope with their environment. Similarly, cultural norms and societal expectations can also contribute to the development of people pleasing behaviors. For example, women are often socialized to be nurturing and selfless, which can lead to a tendency to put others' needs before their own.
While people pleasing can sometimes result in positive outcomes, such as maintaining healthy relationships, it can also have serious negative consequences. People pleasers may become so focused on pleasing others that they lose touch with their own wants and needs, leading to feelings of resentment and burnout. They may also experience anxiety and depression as a result of constantly trying to meet the expectations of others.
In addition to these emotional costs, people pleasing can also hurt one's physical health. Chronic stress, which can be a result of trying to constantly please others, has been linked to a variety of health problems, including heart disease and immune system dysfunction.
So what can be done to break the cycle of people pleasing? One effective approach is eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. EMDR can help individuals identify the underlying causes of their people pleasing tendencies, such as past traumas or negative beliefs about themselves. By processing these experiences and beliefs, individuals can learn to value their own needs and desires, and to set boundaries that allow them to live more fulfilling lives.

Where Does People Pleasing Stem From?

People pleasing is a common trait that can often be found in individuals who struggle with asserting themselves and setting healthy boundaries. It’s important to recognize that this behavior stems from a variety of sources and can manifest in different ways for each individual.
For some, people pleasing may stem from a fear of rejection or abandonment. This fear may be rooted in childhood experiences, such as growing up in a household where one parent was absent or where there was a lack of emotional support and validation. Children who grow up in environments like this may have learned that the only way to receive attention and love is by pleasing others. As a result, they may carry this behavior into their adult relationships.
Cultural norms can also play a significant role in developing people pleasing tendencies. In some cultures, it is considered impolite or rude to assert oneself and speak up for their own needs. The emphasis on collectivism over individualism can also contribute to people pleasing behaviors. In these cultures, putting others’ needs before one’s own is often seen as a sign of respect and humility.
Additionally, social conditioning can lead to people pleasing. In our society, we are often told that it’s important to be agreeable and that saying “yes” is the right thing to do. We’re taught that being helpful and accommodating to others is the key to success and happiness. Unfortunately, this messaging can make it challenging to set boundaries and say “no” when necessary, as it goes against the social norms we’ve been taught.
Ultimately, people pleasing behavior can have a significant impact on one’s mental health and well-being. The constant need to please others and put their needs before your own can lead to feelings of resentment, stress, and anxiety. This behavior can also lead to unhealthy relationships, as people pleasers may attract individuals who take advantage of their desire to please.
Fortunately, there are techniques and therapies that can help individuals work through people pleasing tendencies and set healthy boundaries. One effective therapy is EMDR, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. EMDR is a therapy that focuses on processing and resolving past experiences that contribute to current emotional and behavioral patterns.
During EMDR therapy, a therapist helps individuals identify the specific events and beliefs that contribute to their people pleasing behavior. They then use eye movement or other forms of bilateral stimulation to help the individual reprocess these memories in a safe and controlled environment. Over time, this can lead to a reduction in people pleasing behaviors and an increase in self-confidence and assertiveness.
Overall, people pleasing behavior can be challenging to overcome, but it is possible.

The Role of Upbringing and Cultural Norms in Developing People Pleasing Tendencies

The development of people pleasing tendencies often has deep roots in our upbringing and cultural norms. Children who grow up in homes where there is an emphasis on obedience, conformity, and putting others' needs before their own can often become conditioned to seek validation and approval from others. Similarly, in certain cultures, there is a high value placed on the concept of harmony and avoiding conflict, which can lead to a pattern of people pleasing.
In many households, children are taught from a young age that pleasing others is more important than satisfying their own desires. For example, a child may be rewarded for cleaning their room or doing well in school, but may not receive praise for pursuing their own passions or standing up for themselves. This kind of behavior can set the stage for a lifetime of people pleasing, as the child grows up seeking validation and approval from others to feel successful.
Additionally, certain cultural norms can also reinforce the concept of people pleasing. In collectivist cultures, the importance of the group outweighs the importance of the individual, leading individuals to prioritize maintaining positive relationships with others. In these cultures, conflict is often avoided, and the emphasis is on creating a harmonious environment for everyone. As a result, individuals who grow up in these cultures may become conditioned to seek approval from others and avoid confrontation at all costs.
However, the constant need to please others can take a toll on one's mental health and well-being. The fear of rejection and disapproval can lead to anxiety, stress, and a sense of low self-worth. People pleasing can also be a drain on one's time and energy, as individuals are constantly prioritizing others' needs over their own. It can lead to burnout and leave individuals feeling resentful and unfulfilled.
Fortunately, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy can be an effective treatment for working through people pleasing tendencies. EMDR is a psychotherapy technique that focuses on processing past traumatic experiences that may be impacting one's present-day behaviors. By addressing the underlying beliefs and experiences that are contributing to the pattern of people pleasing, individuals can develop healthier coping mechanisms and learn to prioritize their own needs.

The Cost of People Pleasing

While it may seem like people pleasing is a harmless habit, it can have a serious impact on your mental health and well-being. Constantly putting the needs of others before your own can lead to feelings of burnout, resentment, and low self-esteem. In this section, we will explore some of the costs associated with people pleasing and how it can negatively impact your life.

1. Anxiety and Stress
   People pleasing often stems from a fear of rejection or a desire to be liked and accepted by others. However, constantly seeking approval and validation from others can lead to feelings of anxiety and stress. The fear of saying no or disappointing someone can result in feelings of overwhelming pressure, leading to sleepless nights and a constant feeling of being on edge.
2. Difficulty Making Decisions
   When you're a people pleaser, making decisions can become a daunting task. Constantly worrying about what others will think can lead to analysis paralysis, making it challenging to make even the most basic of decisions. This can be incredibly frustrating and lead to feelings of powerlessness and helplessness.
3. Neglecting Your Own Needs
   People pleasing often comes at the cost of neglecting your own needs. When you're constantly putting others first, it's easy to forget to prioritize your own self-care, resulting in a host of physical and mental health issues. This can include things like neglecting to exercise, skipping meals, and neglecting to set healthy boundaries.
4. Damaged Relationships
   While it may seem counterintuitive, constantly putting others first can actually damage your relationships in the long run. When you're not being true to yourself and your needs, it's impossible to build genuine, authentic connections with others. You may end up resenting those you're trying to please, leading to conflict and damaged relationships.
5. Loss of Self-Identity
   Lastly, people pleasing can result in a loss of self-identity. Constantly trying to be what others want you to be can lead to a loss of individuality and a lack of personal growth. Over time, you may forget who you are and what you stand for, leading to a deep sense of dissatisfaction and unfulfillment.
   If you recognize any of these costs in your life, it's important to take action. Seeking the help of a trained professional, such as an EMDR therapist, can help you identify and work through your people pleasing tendencies. With time, patience, and support, you can break free from this habit and rediscover your sense of self.

How EMDR Can Help You Work Through People Pleasing Tendencies

People pleasing tendencies are often deeply ingrained and can be challenging to overcome. However, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy can help you work through these tendencies and find healthier ways to interact with others.
EMDR is a type of therapy that focuses on processing past traumas and negative experiences. During an EMDR session, you'll be guided through a series of eye movements or other forms of bilateral stimulation. This process can help reduce the intensity of negative emotions associated with past experiences, allowing you to process them more effectively.
One of the ways EMDR can be helpful for people pleasers is by uncovering and addressing any underlying traumas or negative beliefs that contribute to their people pleasing behavior. For example, if you were raised in an environment where your worth was tied to your ability to please others, this belief may be at the root of your people pleasing tendencies. EMDR can help you identify these beliefs and work through them, allowing you to develop healthier patterns of behavior.
EMDR can also help people pleasers develop better boundaries and assertiveness skills. In EMDR sessions, you may work on visualizing yourself in situations where you would normally feel compelled to please others, and then practice setting boundaries and communicating your needs. Through this process, you'll learn to prioritize your own well-being while still maintaining positive relationships with others.
Finally, EMDR can help people pleasers develop greater self-compassion and self-esteem. People pleasing often stems from a lack of self-worth and a belief that our value lies in our ability to make others happy. Through EMDR, you'll learn to challenge these negative beliefs and develop a more positive sense of self. As you begin to prioritize your own needs and recognize your own inherent worth, you'll find that people pleasing becomes less of a compulsion and more of a choice. If you want to meet with someone for assistance working through this- fill out a consultation form.

Sending Love & Light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

Art therapy is an incredibly powerful modality for treating mental health conditions in children. This type of therapy uses art and creative expression to help children work through emotions, worries, and trauma. A child therapist trained in art therapy can create a safe and supportive environment for children to explore their feelings and gain insight. Art therapy allows children to communicate what they might not be able to express in words and can be extremely beneficial in helping them work through their issues. With the help of an experienced child therapist, art therapy can be an invaluable tool for treating mental health conditions in children.

The Magic of Communication and Expression Through Art

Art has a unique way of transcending language and allowing individuals to express themselves in a deeply meaningful way. For children, who may struggle with verbalizing their thoughts and emotions, art therapy provides a powerful tool for communication and expression.

When a child engages in art therapy, they are given the freedom to explore and create without judgment. Through various art mediums such as drawing, painting, and sculpting, they can externalize their internal world, giving a voice to their feelings and experiences.

One of the remarkable aspects of art therapy is that it goes beyond the limitations of traditional talk therapy. Children who may find it difficult to articulate their thoughts or are unable to put words to their emotions can find solace and relief in the process of creating art.

Art therapy provides a safe and non-threatening environment where a child therapist, who specializes in this modality, can guide and support them. Through their art, children are able to express emotions, process traumatic experiences, and gain insights into their own thoughts and behaviors.

The magic of communication and expression through art is not limited to a single session. Over time, art therapy can help children build self-awareness, improve coping skills, and enhance their overall mental well-being.

If your child is struggling with emotional or behavioral challenges, consider the power of art therapy. Our board-certified art therapist is here to help your child find their voice, discover their inner strengths, and create a path towards healing and growth.

Why is Art Therapy a Good Modality for Children?

Art therapy is a highly effective modality for children because it provides them with a safe and non-threatening way to express themselves. Children may not always have the verbal skills to articulate their emotions or experiences, but through art, they can communicate their thoughts, feelings, and experiences in a tangible and creative way.

Art therapy allows children to explore their inner world and externalize their emotions in a visual form. It provides a space for self-expression and self-discovery, allowing them to process difficult emotions and experiences that they may not be able to put into words.

Art therapy also helps children develop important coping skills and resilience. By engaging in the creative process, they learn to problem-solve, regulate their emotions, and gain a sense of control over their lives. This can be particularly beneficial for children who have experienced trauma or are struggling with mental health conditions such as anxiety or depression.

Additionally, art therapy provides a supportive and nurturing environment. Working with a trained child therapist, who specializes in art therapy, ensures that the child receives individualized attention and guidance. The therapist can help the child explore their artwork, facilitate discussions about their emotions, and help them make connections between their art and their experiences.

Overall, art therapy is a valuable modality for children as it fosters self-expression, emotional growth, and healing. If your child is struggling with mental health challenges, consider booking a session with our board-certified art therapist to provide them with the support and tools they need to thrive.

Common Techniques Used with Kids

Art therapy offers a range of techniques that are specifically tailored to engage children and help them express their emotions and experiences. These techniques, guided by a trained child therapist, create a safe and nurturing environment for children to communicate and heal. Here are some common techniques used in art therapy for kids:

1. Art Therapy Assessments: Child therapists may use assessments to understand a child's emotional state and any potential mental health conditions. These assessments can include drawing tasks like "Draw a Person" or "House-Tree-Person" that allow the therapist to gain insight into the child's thoughts and feelings.

2. Visual Art Techniques: Using different art materials and techniques, children can express their emotions, thoughts, and experiences visually. This can include spontaneous drawing, collages, sculptures, mandalas, or drawing their family. By discussing their choices and themes, the therapist can help the child explore and process their emotions.

3. Dramatic Techniques: Through psychodrama techniques like the "empty chair" or family sculpting, children can act out scenarios and explore their emotions in a safe and controlled way. These techniques allow the child therapist to better understand the child's disorder, patterns, and provide opportunities for emotional regulation.

4. Writing Techniques: Writing assignments such as letter writing, journaling, or poetry can help children express complicated feelings and experiences. These techniques provide a constructive outlet for emotional expression and can foster post-traumatic growth.

5. Movement/Somatic Techniques: Movement techniques like dance and pantomime enables children to physically express their emotions and explore new behaviors. This allows them to develop a deeper understanding of their emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms.

6. Music Techniques: Appreciating and identifying music that elicits different mood states can teach children mindfulness skills, mood management, and enhance their ability to express emotions. Activities like drum circles, playing instruments together, and group listening can further support the development of these skills in social settings.

Overall, these techniques provide children with a variety of creative ways to communicate, process emotions, and develop resilience. By working with a trained child therapist in art therapy, children can find healing and growth through self-expression.

Mental Health Conditions that Can Be Treated through Art Therapy

Art therapy has been proven to be a powerful modality for treating a variety of mental health conditions in children and adolescents. With the guidance of a trained child therapist, art therapy can provide a safe and creative outlet for children to express and process their emotions.

Children who experience anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can greatly benefit from art therapy. Through the use of art materials, children can externalize their inner struggles and fears, allowing them to gain a better understanding of their emotions and experiences.

For children who are dealing with psychosis or medical conditions like cancer and traumatic brain injury (TBI), art therapy can provide a sense of control and empowerment. Creating artwork can help these children regain a sense of identity and agency in the face of their illness or condition.

Art therapy can also be effective for children who are struggling with family or marriage concerns. By engaging in art-making activities, children can explore their family dynamics and communicate their thoughts and feelings in a non-verbal way.

In addition, art therapy has shown positive outcomes in treating children with low self-esteem, substance use disorders, and eating disorders. Through the art-making process, children can build self-confidence, develop healthier coping strategies, and improve their body image and self-perception.

If your child is experiencing any of these mental health conditions, consider booking a session with our board-certified art therapist today. They will work with your child to create a safe and supportive environment for them to explore their emotions and heal through art. Art therapy truly has the power to transform the lives of children and adolescents, offering them a path toward healing and self-discovery.

Book with Our Board Certified Art Therapist Today

Are you looking for a qualified and compassionate child therapist who specializes in art therapy? Look no further than Sarah Cupka, LCAT our board-certified art therapist. Sarah has a passion for working with populations of trauma of all ages, particularly children. Her journey of healing from intimate partner violence has inspired her to help others on their path to recovery.

Sarah completed her Master of Arts in Art Therapy and Counseling and Master of Science in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Long Island University Post. During her studies, Sarah completed several internships, gaining valuable experience working with children and adolescents in both individual and group art therapy settings. She has witnessed firsthand the transformative power of art therapy in helping children communicate and express themselves in ways that words often cannot.

As a board-certified art therapist, Sarah is committed to providing a safe and supportive space for children to explore their emotions and develop healthy coping skills. Whether your child is struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma, or other mental health conditions, art therapy can be a powerful modality for healing.

Don't wait any longer to give your child the support they need. Book a session with Sarah, our board-certified art therapist, and begin the journey toward healing and growth. Contact us today to schedule an appointment. Your child deserves the transformative benefits of art therapy.

Sending Love & Light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

Understanding Poor Boundaries

Poor boundaries can stem from a variety of factors, including childhood experiences, cultural influences, and personality traits. It is important to have a clear understanding of what constitutes a poor boundary in order to begin addressing the issue and creating healthier boundaries.
One common characteristic of poor boundaries is the inability to say "no." People with poor boundaries often struggle with setting limits and feel guilty or obligated to meet the demands of others, even if it compromises their own well-being. They may have a fear of disappointing others or fear the potential consequences of setting boundaries, such as conflict or rejection. As a result, they often find themselves taking on too much or sacrificing their own needs and desires for the sake of others.
Another characteristic of poor boundaries is difficulty in expressing personal thoughts, feelings, and desires. Individuals with poor boundaries may struggle to assert themselves or fear that their needs and opinions are not valid. They may prioritize the feelings and opinions of others over their own, leading to a lack of authenticity in their relationships.
Furthermore, poor boundaries can manifest in a blurred sense of self. Individuals with poor boundaries may have difficulty differentiating between their own emotions and those of others. They may take on the emotions of others and internalize them as their own, leading to confusion and a loss of personal identity. This can contribute to a lack of emotional resilience and an increased vulnerability to manipulation or exploitation by others.
Poor boundaries can also be influenced by societal and cultural norms that promote self-sacrifice and prioritization of others over oneself. In certain cultures or family dynamics, there may be an expectation to constantly put others first, which can reinforce poor boundary-setting patterns. Similarly, societal pressure to always be available, responsive, and accommodating can make it challenging for individuals to establish and maintain healthy boundaries.
Understanding these underlying factors can help individuals recognize their own patterns of poor boundaries and take steps towards healthier boundary-setting. It is important to remember that setting boundaries is not selfish or mean-spirited, but rather an essential aspect of self-care and maintaining healthy relationships. By developing a deeper understanding of the reasons behind poor boundaries, individuals can begin to challenge and change these patterns, ultimately improving their overall well-being and satisfaction in life.

The Effects of Poor Boundaries on Relationships

Poor boundaries can have a significant impact on our relationships. When we neglect to set healthy boundaries, it can lead to a range of issues that can strain our connections with others. Let's explore some of the effects that poor boundaries can have on our relationships.
First and foremost, poor boundaries can result in resentment and frustration within our relationships. When we consistently prioritize the needs and desires of others over our own, it can leave us feeling neglected and taken for granted. This can lead to a buildup of negative emotions that can eventually damage the relationship. Resentment can breed hostility and create a toxic dynamic where both parties feel unfulfilled and unhappy.
Additionally, poor boundaries can lead to a lack of authenticity in our relationships. When we constantly suppress our own thoughts, feelings, and desires in order to please others, we lose a sense of self. Our relationships become transactional, as we are more focused on meeting the expectations of others rather than expressing our true selves. This lack of authenticity can lead to a shallow and unfulfilling connection with others, as we are not fully showing up in the relationship.
Poor boundaries can also result in an imbalance of power within our relationships. When we consistently prioritize the needs of others, we inadvertently give away our own power and agency. This can lead to a dynamic where one person dominates the relationship, while the other feels powerless and voiceless. Imbalances of power can lead to resentment, resentment, and ultimately, the breakdown of the relationship.
Furthermore, poor boundaries can contribute to codependency in relationships. Codependency occurs when one person relies excessively on another for their emotional well-being and sense of self-worth. When we lack boundaries, we may find ourselves seeking validation and approval from others, rather than cultivating our own self-worth. This can lead to a cycle of dependence and an unhealthy dynamic within the relationship.
In summary, poor boundaries can have a detrimental impact on our relationships. They can lead to resentment, a lack of authenticity, imbalances of power, and codependency. It is important for us to recognize the negative effects of poor boundaries and take steps towards establishing healthier boundaries in our relationships. By setting clear limits and prioritizing our own needs, we can create a more balanced and fulfilling connection with others.

The Effects of Poor Boundaries on Work

Poor boundaries can have significant effects on our work lives, impacting not only our productivity and efficiency, but also our overall well-being and satisfaction in our jobs. When we neglect to set clear boundaries at work, it can lead to a range of negative consequences that can ultimately harm our career progression and job satisfaction.
One major effect of poor boundaries in the workplace is increased stress and burnout. When we fail to establish limits on our workload or take on responsibilities that are beyond our capacity, we can quickly become overwhelmed and exhausted. This can lead to feelings of chronic stress, fatigue, and ultimately burnout. Without clear boundaries, we may find ourselves constantly working late hours, sacrificing our personal time and self-care practices. This can have detrimental effects on our mental and physical health, as well as our overall job performance.
Another consequence of poor boundaries at work is a lack of work-life balance. When we do not set clear limits on our availability and prioritize our personal time and well-being, we can find ourselves constantly on the clock, unable to disconnect from work. This can negatively impact our relationships, as well as our ability to engage in activities and hobbies outside of work. Over time, this imbalance can lead to increased feelings of stress, dissatisfaction, and resentment towards our jobs.
Additionally, poor boundaries can impact our professional relationships and dynamics at work. When we fail to set boundaries with colleagues or superiors, we may find ourselves taking on tasks or projects that are not within our job description or that exceed our skillset. This can result in increased pressure and unrealistic expectations, leading to a decrease in our job satisfaction and confidence. Poor boundaries can also contribute to blurred lines of authority and power, making it challenging to navigate professional relationships and effectively communicate our needs and boundaries.
Furthermore, poor boundaries can hinder our career growth and development. When we consistently say yes to every task or opportunity that comes our way, we may find ourselves spreading ourselves too thin and not being able to fully commit to projects or initiatives that align with our goals and interests. This can limit our ability to take on new challenges and grow professionally. By setting clear boundaries and prioritizing our own career aspirations, we can create more opportunities for growth and advancement.

The Importance of Setting Boundaries for Self Care

Setting boundaries is essential for self-care and overall well-being. When we neglect to establish clear limits and boundaries in our lives, we run the risk of overextending ourselves, compromising our own needs and priorities, and ultimately experiencing burnout and dissatisfaction. It is crucial to recognize the importance of setting boundaries for our self-care and take proactive steps to establish and maintain them.
First and foremost, setting boundaries allows us to prioritize our own needs and well-being. When we have clear boundaries, we are able to identify and communicate our limits, which helps us protect our time, energy, and resources. By setting boundaries, we are saying to ourselves and others that our needs matter and deserve to be respected. This not only promotes self-care, but it also fosters a sense of self-worth and empowerment.
Furthermore, setting boundaries helps us maintain a healthy work-life balance. In today's fast-paced and demanding world, it can be easy to let work spill over into our personal lives, leaving little time for relaxation, leisure, and self-care activities. However, by setting boundaries, we can establish dedicated time for ourselves, our loved ones, and our personal pursuits. This promotes a sense of balance and prevents burnout, allowing us to recharge and be more present and engaged in all areas of our lives.
Setting boundaries also promotes healthy relationships. When we have clear limits and communicate them effectively, it sets the stage for respectful and mutually fulfilling interactions. Boundaries provide a framework for understanding expectations and limits, allowing us to establish healthy dynamics in our relationships. By setting and respecting boundaries, we can foster open and honest communication, cultivate trust and respect, and ensure that our relationships are built on a foundation of mutual understanding and support.
In addition, setting boundaries allows us to assert our personal values and priorities. Each of us has our own unique set of values and beliefs that guide our decisions and actions. By setting boundaries, we can align our actions with our values and ensure that we are living authentically. This promotes a sense of inner peace and fulfillment, as we are able to make choices that are true to ourselves and prioritize what truly matters to us.

3 Ways to Set Boundaries Without Guilt

Setting boundaries can be a challenging task for many of us, especially when it comes to saying no and prioritizing our own needs. However, it is crucial for our overall well-being and happiness. Here are three ways to set boundaries without guilt:

1. Practice self-compassion: It's important to remember that setting boundaries is not selfish or mean-spirited, but rather an act of self-care and self-respect. Start by acknowledging and validating your own needs and feelings. Give yourself permission to prioritize your well-being and happiness. Recognize that by setting boundaries, you are not only taking care of yourself, but also creating a healthier dynamic in your relationships. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself throughout the process.
2. Communicate assertively: When setting boundaries, it's important to communicate assertively and clearly. Express your needs, limits, and expectations in a direct and respectful manner. Use "I" statements to convey your feelings and needs, such as "I need some alone time tonight" or "I can't take on any more projects at the moment." Avoid apologizing excessively or over-explaining your boundaries. Remember that you have the right to set limits and it is not your responsibility to please everyone. Practice assertiveness in your communication and stay firm in your boundaries.
3. Practice self-care rituals: Setting boundaries is not only about saying no, but also about creating space for self-care and personal well-being. Establishing self-care rituals can help you prioritize yourself and recharge. Take time each day to engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Whether it's reading a book, going for a walk, practicing yoga, or taking a bubble bath, find what works best for you and make it a priority. By nurturing yourself, you are showing others that you value your own well-being, which can strengthen your boundaries.
   Remember that setting boundaries is a process and it may take time to establish and maintain them. It's natural to feel some guilt or discomfort initially, but remind yourself that you deserve to be respected and have your needs met. Surround yourself with supportive individuals who understand and respect your boundaries. Celebrate your progress and the positive impact that setting boundaries has on your overall well-being. With time and practice, setting boundaries without guilt will become easier and more natural, leading to healthier relationships and a happier, more fulfilled life.

If you need help putting yourself first, saying no and learning to take care of you without feelings of guilt, shame and/or anxiety- it may be time to seek some additional support. Our therapists can help you work through core beliefs like "I'm responsible", "I'm not good enough", "It's my fault" or "My feelings and needs do not matter". Most of us have struggled with those same thoughts and internal anxieties resulting form those thoughts at some point in our lives. We would love to help you get to a place where you feel comfortable in your own skin and confident in prioritizing what you need. Give our office a call or fill out a consultation form.

Sending Love & Light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

Recovering from narcissistic abuse can be a long and difficult journey. It can be especially hard to rebuild your self-worth after an emotionally abusive relationship. Narcissistic abuse can leave deep scars, causing emotional trauma that can affect your self-esteem, world-view, and sense of self and agency. It is important to seek help from a trauma therapist who can provide guidance and support throughout the healing process. In this blog post, we will explore the effects of narcissistic abuse, provide tips for overcoming it, and offer advice on how to reclaim your self-worth.

Understanding Narcissistic Abuse From the Perspective of a Trauma Therapist

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional manipulation and control that can have devastating effects on the victim's mental and emotional well-being. It occurs when an individual with narcissistic traits uses tactics such as gaslighting, belittling, and demeaning behavior to exert power and control over their partner or loved one.

To truly understand narcissistic abuse, it is important to recognize that it is not a normal or healthy dynamic in a relationship. Unlike other types of abuse where physical violence is prevalent, narcissistic abuse is often more subtle and insidious, making it difficult for victims to recognize and address.

If you suspect you may have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, seeking the support of a trauma therapist can be incredibly beneficial. They can provide you with a safe space to explore your experiences, validate your feelings, and help you navigate the healing process.

By understanding the dynamics of narcissistic abuse, victims can begin to make sense of their experiences and the effects it has had on their self-worth and sense of self. It is crucial to remember that narcissistic abuse is not a reflection of your worth or value as a person, but rather a result of the abuser's own insecurities and need for control.

Reclaiming your self-worth after narcissistic abuse is a journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and support. By understanding the nature of narcissistic abuse and seeking professional help, you can begin the process of healing and rebuilding a healthy and loving relationship with yourself.

The Effects of Narcissistic Abuse on Self-Esteem

Narcissistic abuse can have a profound impact on a person's self-esteem. When trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship, the victim is constantly subjected to manipulation, gaslighting, and belittlement. Over time, these tactics erode their self-worth and leave them feeling powerless and inadequate.

One of the key ways in which narcissistic abuse affects self-esteem is by instilling a deep sense of shame and self-doubt. The victim may internalize the abuser's criticisms and begin to believe that they are inherently flawed or unworthy. This can lead to a constant need for validation and approval from others, as well as a persistent fear of making mistakes or being rejected.

Furthermore, narcissistic abuse often leaves the victim feeling isolated and disconnected from their own needs and desires. They may have been conditioned to prioritize the needs and wants of the abuser, neglecting their own in the process. This can result in a loss of identity and a profound sense of emptiness.

Recovering from the effects of narcissistic abuse requires a multi-faceted approach. Seeking support from a trauma therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse can be incredibly helpful. Through therapy, victims can begin to unpack the trauma, gain insight into the abusive dynamics, and rebuild their self-esteem.

Additionally, engaging in self-care practices, setting healthy boundaries, and surrounding oneself with supportive and understanding individuals can also aid in the healing process. Reclaiming self-worth after narcissistic abuse is a journey, but with time and the right resources, it is possible to regain a sense of confidence and agency.

How Narcissistic Abuse Distorts Your World-View

Narcissistic abuse has a profound impact on how survivors perceive the world around them. It distorts their world-view in insidious ways, leaving them feeling confused, invalidated, and constantly on edge. The manipulation tactics used by narcissists can create a distorted reality for their victims, causing them to question their own sanity and judgment.

One of the ways narcissistic abuse distorts a survivor's world-view is by eroding their sense of trust. After being subjected to constant gaslighting and manipulation, survivors may struggle to trust their own instincts and perceptions. They may become hyper-vigilant, constantly second-guessing themselves and their interpretations of events.

Furthermore, narcissistic abuse can leave survivors with a distorted sense of self. The constant belittling, devaluation, and invalidation can erode their self-worth and self-esteem. They may start to internalize the narcissist's negative view of them, believing that they are unworthy, inadequate, or unlovable. This distorted self-image can permeate every aspect of their lives, leading to feelings of worthlessness and despair.

Additionally, narcissistic abuse can skew a survivor's perception of relationships and love. The manipulative tactics used by narcissists can leave survivors feeling wary and distrustful of others. They may struggle to form healthy and genuine connections, always fearing that they will be taken advantage of or hurt.

It is crucial for survivors to seek support from a trauma therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse. These professionals can help survivors unpack the trauma they have experienced and reframe their world-view. Through therapy, survivors can gain insight into the tactics used by narcissists and begin to heal from the distorted reality they have been subjected to. With time, patience, and support, survivors can regain a more accurate and empowering world-view.

Rebuilding Your Sense of Self and Agency

After enduring narcissistic abuse, it is crucial to rebuild your sense of self and agency. This process can be challenging and may require the support of a trauma therapist or counselor who specializes in narcissistic abuse. They can help you navigate through the layers of manipulation and regain a solid foundation of self-worth.

One important aspect of rebuilding your sense of self is reconnecting with your own needs and desires. Narcissistic abuseoften leaves survivors feeling disconnected from their true selves, as they have been conditioned to prioritize the needs and wants of their abuser. By rediscovering your own passions and interests, you can begin to rebuild a sense of identity that is independent from the abuse.

Furthermore, it is essential to surround yourself with a supportive network of friends and loved ones who validate your experiences and provide a safe space for healing. Connecting with others who have experienced narcissistic abuse can also be empowering, as it allows you to share your story and gain insights from those who truly understand.

Reclaiming your agency involves setting boundaries and prioritizing your own well-being. This may require learning to say no, asserting your needs, and practicing self-care. Engaging in activities that make you feel confident and empowered can also contribute to rebuilding your sense of agency.

Remember, healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey, and it takes time and patience. By seeking professional help, reconnecting with yourself, and cultivating a supportive community, you can reclaim your sense of self-worth and live a fulfilling life free from the grip of narcissistic abuse.

Trauma Therapist Tips for Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is a journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and a commitment to healing. Here are some essential tips to help you overcome the effects of narcissistic abuse and reclaim your self-worth:

1. Educate Yourself: Learn about narcissistic abuse and its tactics. Understanding the dynamics of the relationship will help you gain clarity and perspective on the abuse you experienced.

2. Seek Support: Reach out to a trusted support system that believes and validates your experiences. Surrounding yourself with empathetic and understanding individuals will help you rebuild your self-esteem and challenge any self-blame or doubt.

3. Set Boundaries: Establishing and enforcing healthy boundaries is crucial in recovering from narcissistic abuse. Learn to recognize red flags and protect yourself from further harm.

4. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that promote healing and self-love. Engage in activities that bring you joy, whether it's journaling, painting, exercising, or meditating. Remember, self-care is not selfish but a necessary step in your healing journey.

5. Consider Therapy: Working with a trauma therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse can provide invaluable guidance and support. They can help you process the trauma, heal emotional wounds, and develop healthier relationship patterns.

6. Find Resources: If you are still in an abusive situation, reach out to local domestic violence organizations or helplines for support and resources. If you live on Long Island VIBS is a great resource for anyone in a domestic violence situation and they are entirely free! They can provide you with safety plans and information on legal options.

Remember, overcoming narcissistic abuse takes time and patience. Be gentle with yourself and celebrate even the smallest victories along the way. You deserve to heal and reclaim your self-worth.

Sending Love & Light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

As a parent of a college-aged student, you may be feeling a mix of emotions: pride, excitement, and a little apprehension. With the transition to college comes newfound independence and a new set of challenges that can be difficult to navigate. Enter therapy for college students: an invaluable tool that can help your student address their common struggles as they transition into adulthood. In this blog post, we'll explore how therapy for college students can help overcome some of the most common challenges college students face, as well as ways to support your child during this exciting time.

The Challenge of Transitioning to College Life

The challenge of transitioning to college life can be daunting for many students. It marks a significant shift from the familiar routine of high school to a new environment filled with unfamiliar faces and expectations. The excitement and freedom that come with college can also bring about a great deal of anxiety and stress. For some students, this transition may lead to feelings of loneliness, homesickness, and even depression.
This is where therapy for college students can play a crucial role. Therapy provides a safe and supportive space for students to navigate these challenges and explore their thoughts and emotions. It can help students develop coping strategies, manage stress, and improve their overall well-being. Therapy for college students focuses on addressing the specific issues and struggles that arise during this period of transition, such as academic pressure, relationship challenges, and identity exploration.
By seeking therapy for college students, your child can gain valuable skills and insights that will not only help them navigate their college years but also serve them well throughout their lives. It provides an opportunity for personal growth, self-discovery, and building resilience. With the right support, college can be a transformative and fulfilling experience for your child, and therapy can be an invaluable tool to help them overcome the challenges they may face during this transition.

Common Struggles and Pain Points Faced by New College Students

New college students often face a variety of challenges and pain points as they navigate the transition into college life. One significant struggle is financial troubles. Many students find themselves overwhelmed by the cost of tuition, textbooks, and living expenses. These financial burdens can significantly impact their overall college experience. To overcome this challenge, students can establish a realistic budget and track their spending to gain better control over their finances. Additionally, exploring financial aid options, scholarships, or obtaining a part-time job can help ease the financial burden.
Another common struggle faced by college students is mental health issues. Almost half of college students experience symptoms of depression and anxiety, yet 75% of them are reluctant to seek help. Therapy for college students can provide the necessary support and guidance to address these mental health challenges. By seeking therapy, students can learn effective coping mechanisms and develop strategies to manage their mental well-being.
Time management is another area where new college students often struggle. With newfound freedom and a busy academic schedule, students may find it challenging to balance their time effectively. Creating daily, weekly, or monthly schedules, setting priorities, and avoiding procrastination can help students manage their time more efficiently and reduce stress.
Homesickness is another common pain point for college students, especially those who are living away from home for the first time. One effective way to overcome homesickness is to connect with new friends. Building relationships and finding a sense of community on campus can help ease feelings of loneliness and provide a support system.
Finally, finding a healthy balance between personal life, academic responsibilities, and social engagements can be a struggle for college students. Prioritization and setting boundaries are crucial in maintaining this balance. Therapy for college students can help students develop the necessary skills to prioritize their time effectively and set boundaries to maintain their mental and emotional well-being.

The Importance of Therapy for College Students

Therapy for college students is incredibly important for a variety of reasons. It provides a safe and supportive space for students to address their unique challenges and struggles during the transition to college life. One of the primary benefits of therapy is that it allows students to clarify and understand the specific problems they may be facing. By working with a therapist, college students can gain a clearer perspective on their situation and develop strategies for overcoming obstacles.
Additionally, therapy for college students can help manage anxiety, a common mental health issue among this age group. College can be a stressful time, and therapy offers tools and techniques to help students cope with anxiety and reduce its impact on their overall well-being. Through therapy, students can also improve personal skills, such as communication, problem-solving, and self-awareness, which are vital for success both in college and beyond.
Exploring opportunities for change is another crucial aspect of therapy for college students. It allows them to delve into their personal goals, values, and aspirations and identify areas where they want to grow and make positive changes. Therapy can also provide students with increased confidence as they learn and develop new skills and gain a deeper understanding of themselves.
Finally, therapy for college students can help in coping with depression, a common mental health challenge during the college years. With the guidance and support of a therapist, students can learn effective strategies for managing depression and developing healthy coping mechanisms.
Overall, therapy for college students is invaluable for addressing the specific challenges and struggles that arise during this transformative time. It provides a foundation for personal growth, resilience, and success both academically and personally. By seeking therapy, college students can gain the tools and insights they need to navigate the transition to college with confidence and well-being.

Ways Therapy Can Help with the Transition to College

1. Emotional Support: College can be overwhelming, and therapy provides a space where students can express their feelings and emotions without fear of judgment. A therapist can offer empathy, validation, and guidance to help students navigate the emotional rollercoaster that often comes with the transition to college.
2. Coping Strategies: Therapy equips college students with valuable coping strategies to deal with stress, anxiety, and other challenges they may face. Therapists can teach techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, and positive self-talk, which can help students manage their emotions and maintain their mental well-being.
3. Academic Support: College students often struggle with the increased academic demands and pressure. Therapy can provide valuable academic support by helping students develop effective study skills, time management techniques, and strategies for staying organized. By addressing academic challenges, therapy can help students feel more confident and successful in their studies.
4. Relationship Building: Therapy can assist students in developing healthy relationships and improving their social skills. A therapist can offer guidance on communication, conflict resolution, and boundary setting, which are essential skills for building meaningful connections and navigating the complexities of college friendships and romantic relationships.
5. Self-Exploration: College is a time of self-discovery and personal growth. Therapy provides an opportunity for students to explore their values, beliefs, goals, and identity. Through introspection and guidance from a therapist, college students can gain a better understanding of themselves, their strengths, and areas for personal growth.
   Overall, therapy for college students offers valuable support and tools to navigate the challenges and transitions of college life. It promotes emotional well-being, resilience, and personal growth, setting students up for success both in college and beyond.

How Parents Can Support Their Child Through This Transition

1. Encourage Open Communication: Maintain open lines of communication with your child and create a safe space for them to express their thoughts and feelings. Encourage them to talk about their college experiences, challenges, and successes. By being a supportive listener, you can help alleviate any stress or anxieties they may be feeling.
2. Normalize the Need for Support: Discuss the benefits of therapy with your child and emphasize that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Encourage them to explore therapy for college students as a resource to navigate their challenges. Offer to help them research and find a therapist who specializes in college student issues.
3. Provide Practical Support: Assist your child in finding resources such as therapy centers or counseling services on or near campus. Offer to help with logistics, such as scheduling appointments or transportation if needed. By providing practical support, you show your child that you are invested in their well-being.
4. Promote Self-Care: Encourage your child to prioritize self-care activities that promote mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Encourage them to engage in activities they enjoy, such as exercise, hobbies, or spending time with friends. Remind them of the importance of taking breaks, getting enough sleep, and practicing stress management techniques.
5. Be a Source of Emotional Support: College can be a time of uncertainty and change, and your child may experience ups and downs. Be available to offer emotional support, whether through phone calls, video chats, or in-person visits. Validate their feelings, offer encouragement, and remind them that they have your unwavering support.
   By providing support and encouraging your child to seek therapy for college students, you can help them navigate the challenges of college life and promote their overall well-being. Remember, your role as a parent during this transition is crucial, and your support can make a significant difference in your child's college experience. If you live in New York State and would like to provide your child with the support of a therapist to assist in their transition fill out a consultation form or give our office a call at 631-503-1539.

Sending Love & Light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

Are you considering therapy near you, but not sure what approach to take? If so, you're not alone. Many people are interested in investing in themselves by seeking therapy, but may not know the difference between top-down and bottom-up approaches. Understanding these differences can make a huge impact in how effective your therapy is, so it's important to do your research. In this blog post, we'll discuss the difference between top-down and bottom-up approaches in therapy, as well as the magic in bottom up approaches.

Understanding Top-Down Approach to Therapy

When it comes to therapy, there are various approaches that therapists can take to help their clients navigate through their challenges. One such approach is the top-down approach. This approach focuses on addressing thoughts and behavior as the primary factors influencing an individual's well-being.

In a top-down approach to therapy, therapists often start by exploring their clients' thoughts and beliefs. They help clients identify any negative or irrational thinking patterns that may be contributing to their struggles. By challenging these thoughts and helping clients develop more positive and realistic thinking, therapists aim to bring about lasting change in their clients' behavior and emotions.

This approach emphasizes the importance of cognitive restructuring and cognitive-behavioral techniques to promote change. Therapists may use interventions such as cognitive reframing, thought-stopping, or problem-solving skills training to help their clients gain insight into their thought processes and make healthier choices.

While the top-down approach can be effective for some individuals, it may not be suitable for everyone. Some clients may benefit more from a bottom-up approach, which focuses on the mind-body connection. This approach recognizes that our bodies can store unresolved trauma and emotional experiences, leading to various psychological and physical symptoms.

If you are looking for therapy near me, it is important to consider which approach aligns best with your needs and preferences. Remember that therapy is a personal journey, and finding the right fit with a therapist who utilizes an approach that resonates with you is crucial for effective treatment. Whether you opt for a top-down or bottom-up approach, therapy can provide you with the support and tools you need to navigate life's challenges and achieve a sense of well-being.

Contrasting Thoughts and Behavior vs. Mind-Body Connection

When it comes to therapy, there are two primary approaches that therapists often employ: focusing on thoughts and behavior or exploring the mind-body connection. Both approaches have their merits and can be effective depending on the individual and their unique circumstances.

The traditional top-down approach to therapy emphasizes the importance of thoughts and behavior in influencing one's emotions and well-being. Therapists using this approach may help clients identify negative thought patterns, challenge distorted thinking, and develop more adaptive behaviors. This approach can be highly effective in helping individuals gain insight into their thoughts and behaviors and make positive changes.

On the other hand, the bottom-up approach to therapy emphasizes the mind-body connection and the importance of addressing physical sensations, emotions, and bodily experiences. This approach recognizes that emotions and traumatic experiences are stored not only in our minds but also in our bodies. Therapists using this approach may incorporate techniques such as body-focused therapies, somatic experiencing, or mindfulness practices to help clients become more attuned to their bodily sensations and work through past trauma.

Both approaches have their place in therapy, and the choice of approach often depends on the individual's needs and preferences. Some individuals may benefit from a more cognitive-focused approach, while others may find that exploring the mind-body connection brings about deeper healing. It's essential to find a therapist who offers both approaches and who is invested in understanding and supporting your unique healing journey.

If you're considering therapy and wondering, "Is there therapy near me that offers both top-down and bottom-up approaches?" it's important to do your research. Finding a therapist who is experienced in both approaches and has a genuine investment in yourself can greatly enhance your therapy experience. Remember, therapy is an investment in yourself, and finding the right therapist is crucial for your healing journey.

The Magic in Bottom-Up Approaches

When it comes to therapy, there is something truly magical about bottom-up approaches. These methods recognize the undeniable connection between our minds and bodies and use it to facilitate healing and growth.

One such approach is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), which has gained significant recognition for its effectiveness in treating trauma and anxiety. EMDR works by targeting the underlying emotional distress associated with traumatic experiences and reducing the intensity of triggering responses. This therapy encourages individuals to engage in bilateral stimulation, such as eye movements or tapping, while simultaneously recalling distressing memories. Through this process, the brain is rewired, allowing for adaptive resolution of traumatic events.

Research has shown that EMDR can result in a decrease in responsiveness to triggers, reducing symptoms associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This bottom-up approach emphasizes the importance of engaging the body's natural ability to heal and reprocess traumatic memories.

Investing in yourself through therapy can be a life-changing decision, and finding the right therapy near you is crucial for your well-being. Bottom-up approaches, like EMDR, offer a unique and effective way to address underlying emotional distress. By focusing on the mind-body connection and targeting the root causes of distress, these approaches bring about lasting change and growth.

If you are struggling with trauma, anxiety, or any other mental health issue, consider exploring bottom-up approaches like EMDR. The magic lies in the ability to tap into your body's innate healing capabilities and find true relief from distress. Remember, therapy is an investment in yourself, and the right therapy near you can lead you on a transformative journey towards healing and well-being.

Why invest in a specialist?

Investing in a specialist for your therapy needs can make a significant difference in your overall well-being and long-term success. Research consistently shows that specialized care leads to better outcomes compared to generalist approaches. 

Why settle for a therapist who may have a broad understanding of various issues, when you can see someone who specializes in your specific concern? Whether it's sexual abuse, postpartum struggles, imposter syndrome, people pleasing, or childhood trauma, seeking out a specialist ensures that you receive targeted and effective treatment.

The impact of specialized care extends beyond your mental health. It can enhance your overall functioning as an employee, improve your earning potential, strengthen your relationships as a friend, parent, and spouse. By addressing your specific issues through specialized therapy, you can experience transformative healing and personal growth.

Another crucial consideration is the time factor. Why wait to feel better and begin your journey to true healing? By seeing a specialist, you can get results more quickly, allowing you to start feeling better and living a fulfilling life sooner.

Finding a specialized therapist is easier than ever with the help of technology. Simply search "therapy near me" online, and you will be connected to a wide range of professionals who specialize in your specific concern.

Investing in yourself through specialized therapy is a decision that can change your life. Don't settle for a generic approach when you can receive personalized and impactful care from a specialist who truly understands your unique needs. If you're ready to accelerate your healing and begin living the life you deserve to have give our office a call today.

Sending Love & light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

What is urge-surfing?

We have all been there in one way or another. We feel overwhelmed by an intense emotion and want to break down or explode. Maybe we feel engulfed by an oncoming panic attack. Or perhaps we want to smoke a cigarette or vape pen, or try to calm down with some weed and alcohol. Whatever the reason and the resulting behavior, all these examples and more are driven by intense emotions that feed into a lack of impulse control and the need to give in to urges.

I get it. It can feel exhausting and challenging not to just give in. For instance, when we feel stressed, we may have the urge to eat right out of the Ben & Jerry’s carton or to pour a glass of wine. We may feel the urge to say something cruel to someone or to yell at them. Maybe we get cut off in traffic and want to pursue the driver. We may want to even hurt ourselves.

Our urges and impulses have reasons behind them, but these reasons are not justifications to act on them. It is our responsibility to ourselves to learn how to effectively, healthfully cope.

One way to learn to control impulses and urges is called urge-surfing, a distress tolerance skill from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Simply put, urge-surfing is about “riding the wave” of an urge by controlling your impulse control. It is a mental trick. We are conditioned to think that the longer we resist the urge the more powerful it seems to become, much like a wave builds up to the crest before breaking down into the trough. However, if you surrender yourself to an urge, it trains our brains to think that the surrender is the one and only way to grant us psychological relief. This is not true. While an urge can feel like it is long-lasting and is getting stronger, the truth is that most pass within five to ten minutes. Just like a wave, it will dissipate.

Yes, I know, this is easier said than done. I fully admit trying to stop an urge can sound hard, maybe even impossible. If you have ever dared yourself to swim directly against a wave in the ocean, you know full well it can suck all the energy out of you. You may even fear getting caught in the undertow and swept out to sea. However, if you swim along the side of the wave, you can safely avoid much of its strength which in turn will let it break down with less force. Thus, applying the wave metaphor to our emotions makes sense.

How do I urge-surf?

The urge-surfing process is customizable. Play around with it until you find a pattern that works best for you! However, in general, it goes in the following sequence:

1. Stop. Take a breath in. Notice and acknowledge you are having an urge.

2. Pay attention to the emotions and thoughts you are experiencing, while picking up cues from the situation too. There is no need to try to change, drown out, or avoid them. It may all feel very unpleasant, even uncomfortable, but that is to be expected.

3. Tell yourself the following mantas. Some can be changed to your specific issues:
- “It is okay and normal to feel discomfort.”
- “It is not weird or wrong to have urges. All people have them. They come from having desires, wants, habits and addictions.”
- “An urge is a want, not a need. I need food. I do not need it to be a slice of chocolate cake.”
- “I can still have the chocolate cake, but I can save it for later. It does not need to be right now.”
- “To have an urge is out of my control. What is in my control is deciding not to act on it!”
- “All urges are short-lived and temporary. They will pass. I can get through them.”

Urge-surfing can also be helpful in preventing anxious feelings from evolving into panic attacks. You may try a mantra such as, “a panic attack can be scary, but I can recognize it before it hits its peak. I can do something like deep breathing to avoid it from becoming a full-blown panic attack.”

Above all, remember… you are in control. It is true you cannot prevent an urge from arising, but you do have the power to not act on the urge.

How urge-surfing helps with nicotine withdrawal

Urge-surfing is something I frequently teach to clients who are trying to quit smoking/vaping. I do this through two parts.

First, I educate my clients that nicotine withdrawal reaches its peak at around 72 hours or 3 days. If we figure the average person sleeps for 8.5 hours, that comes out to 25.5 hours the urge to smoke/vape is eliminated. Now add in other factors that can prevent the behavior. If you have a typical 8-hour workday, that is 24 more hours you cannot smoke (I did not add in breaks because this varies by state laws and businesses). Those two activities alone come out to 49.5 hours you cannot smoke/vape, so you only need to figure out solutions to the remaining 22.5 hours! You can then plug in other additional activities that can prevent you from being able to smoke/vape, such as time for hobbies and interests, meals, social situations where it is unacceptable (i.e., restaurants, watching your child play soccer, etc.).

Second, I tell my clients that as a further motivational tool to keep them from giving into the urge, they can replace their “smoke times” with other tasks that provide distraction. In your case, think about how long it takes for you to smoke or vape. This is probably 5 to 10 minutes; thus, you need to find a replacement behavior for that 5-to-10-minute time frame. For example, if you like to have a cigarette the first thing in the morning and that takes 6 minutes for you, you only need to distract yourself with anything else for 6 minutes. This could be a guided meditation, quick yoga session, giving more time to enjoy your breakfast, putting extra effort into your hair and make-up, reading the news, or even browsing social media (although for this last one I suggest you exercise caution because social media can also be an addiction).

Obviously, urge-surfing can work for other addictions too. I also suggest urge-surfing for other problematic behaviors such as self-injury.

How urge-surfing can prevent arguments

Urge-surfing is a key tool to help prevent arguments. Think back on a time you felt hurt, offended, or angry at a friend or family member. You may have screamed at them or said something callous to feel better… and yes it made you feel powerful at the time, but it came with consequences, right? Perhaps you were later plagued with guilt. Even worse, the person may have stopped talking to you and you were fearful your relationship with them had ended. As you reflect on the incident, you recognize that there could had been a good outcome if you responded differently to the person – even if they were in the wrong.

When it comes to interpersonal conflicts, urge-surfing can work by having you pause to consider the consequences of acting on the urge to scream and so on. You can stop to notice how you think and feel, remind yourself that the emotion is temporary but the urge may have permanent bad results, and decide how to proceed (this is a DBT skill called “STOP”; detailed here). You can also think of ways you can distract yourself in the moment, such as with these DBT distress tolerance skills. Or you could tell the person, “I feel myself getting angry and wanting to say something I don’t mean, so I am going to walk away right now. Please give me space so I can calm down.” 

Journaling as a method to urge-surf

Finally, you may find it beneficial to journal about your urges as they relate to your impulses, thoughts, emotions, and experiences. There is something liberating about writing down your innermost issues; it serves as an emotional, cognitive, and spiritual release from the pain. Journaling can tap into your inner wisdom by having you make connections about why giving into an urge can be harmful. Furthermore, journaling can let you come up with solutions about how to get through the problem in a healthy way. It can also let you think of what could happen if you continue to surrender to the urge (i.e., chronic alcohol use can lead to cirrhosis). 

Final thoughts

In summary, urge-surfing is important because it teaches us that an urge will lessen in its intensity as time passes. At the peak of an urge, it can feel like our discomfort will consume us unless we act on it to quell it. However, by doing that it only conditions us to have to act on it no matter what, which ironically makes it stronger. Instead, remind yourself that all urges will pass, decrease in frequency as you become more skilled, and that all you are the master of your actions.

Celebrate your victories when you urge-surf to get through a situation. See it as a reminder you are in self-control.

As you become better at learning to control yourself by not giving in to urges, your brain will adapt to these newfound changes. This will make it far easier to resist the pressure of surrendering to urges throughout the rest of your life!

- Valerie Smith, LMSW

The importance of therapy for therapists cannot be overstated. As those who provide counseling to others, therapists often carry a heavy burden of stress and emotional exhaustion from their work. It is essential that therapists take the time to nurture their own mental and emotional wellbeing through therapy so that they can continue to provide care to their clients. In this blog post, we will explore the vital role of therapy for therapists and why it should be part of every counselor's self-care routine.

Why do counselors need counseling?

Counselors are often seen as pillars of strength, equipped with the tools to help their clients navigate through the difficult challenges of life. However, it's important to remember that counselors are not immune to life's stressors. They, too, can face challenges that can be overwhelming, both personally and professionally.

Counselors face ethical dilemmas when dealing with clients, and it can be difficult to navigate these situations without a sounding board to provide support and guidance. Furthermore, it can be challenging to not be able to share work-related stress with friends or spouses, who may not fully understand the unique challenges of being a counselor.

Counselors also often work in isolation, which can contribute to feelings of loneliness and disconnection. They may be unable to share their personal lives with clients, as they must remain neutral and impartial at all times. Additionally, counselors cannot refuse to serve difficult clients, which can take a toll on their emotional and mental well-being.

For these reasons, therapy for therapists is not only beneficial but necessary. Counseling provides a safe and supportive environment for counselors to process their own challenges, work through any issues that may impact their work, and develop coping strategies to manage stress and prevent burnout.

In summary, counselors are not immune to the stresses of life, and the nature of their work can make them susceptible to professional challenges that can affect their well-being. Seeking therapy for therapists is essential to maintaining the emotional and mental health of counselors, and ultimately, ensures that they can provide the best care for their clients.

How can counselors benefit from therapy?

Even though therapists are trained to manage their own mental health, they can still benefit from therapy for therapists. The demands of the job can take a toll on counselors, and having a dedicated space to process and receive support can be invaluable. 

Therapy for therapists can provide a unique level of comfort and understanding from a colleague who understands the unique challenges of the field. This can be especially important in a job where counselors are constantly supporting and holding space for their clients, sometimes leaving little room for them to receive the same level of care and attention.

Additionally, therapy can provide neutral feedback to help therapists maintain good insight and self-care. It can be difficult to recognize when we are experiencing burnout or struggling with our own mental health, and having an outside perspective can help therapists maintain a healthy work-life balance.

Furthermore, therapy gives therapists dedicated time and space to manage their own issues, just like their clients get from them. It can be easy to neglect our own needs when we are constantly focused on our clients, but prioritizing our own mental health can ultimately make us better practitioners and role models for our clients.

Overall, therapy for therapists can provide valuable support and tools to help counselors navigate the unique demands of the job while maintaining their own mental health and well-being. If you are a counselor who could benefit from therapy, there are many resources available to help you fill your cup.

How can individual therapy make someone a better practitioner?

As therapists, most of us have gone into this field because we have experienced some form of struggle or challenge ourselves. We want to help others who may be going through similar situations. However, our ideal clients tend to have issues that resonate with our own past experiences, which can trigger our own unresolved emotions and issues.

This is why therapy for therapists is so crucial. If we're not actively working on our own growth and negative patterns, we're more likely to get caught up in the same feelings of hopelessness that our clients are experiencing. This can make it difficult for us to effectively challenge our clients and help them solve their problems because, let's face it, we're not working on ours either.

By regularly engaging in individual therapy, we can work on our own growth and development. We can process our own issues and triggers, so they don't get in the way of helping our clients. When we work on ourselves as individuals, we're less likely to be triggered by our clients' issues and more likely to be fully present with them.

Ultimately, therapy for therapists is essential for becoming a better practitioner. When we prioritize our own personal growth and development, we can provide better care to our clients and help them achieve their goals. So, if you're a therapist, don't neglect your own needs - seek out therapy for therapists and fill your own cup.

Where to go if you need to fill your cup

If you're a therapist looking for therapy, the first step is to acknowledge that seeking help doesn't make you any less of a professional. It's important to take care of your mental health and well-being so that you can provide the best possible care to your clients.

Finding the right therapist can be a daunting task, but there are resources available that specialize in therapy for therapists. These services are designed specifically to support mental health professionals and help them navigate the unique challenges that come with the job.

At Long Island EMDR, we offer therapy for therapists to help our colleagues in the mental health industry maintain their own mental health and well-being. We understand that therapists face many stressors and emotional burdens in their work, which is why we provide a safe space for you to explore your own feelings and challenges.

We offer free consultations to help you find the right therapist that is the best fit for you. Our team of highly trained therapists will work with you to understand your unique needs and help you develop a personalized treatment plan that addresses your specific concerns.

Remember, therapy for therapists is not a sign of weakness, but rather a testament to your dedication to your clients and your commitment to providing the best possible care. Don't hesitate to schedule a consultation with us to see how we can help you on your journey to healing and self-care.

Sending Love & Light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

For years, social media platforms such as TikTok and Instagram have been at the forefront of the self-care movement. This is spearheaded by influencers who are sipping a green smoothie after a morning jog or workout at the gym, and of course there is time for morning meditation in there too. Or reworded… “nothing beats a #greensmoothie after my #dailymorningjog and #dailymorningworkout, and let’s not forget my #morningmeditation!” Or there is the opposite – the influencers who somehow have the endless money to always travel to exotic destinations to dine on the local foods, indulge in the wines, and take in vermilion sunsets with the hashtags “#justbreathe” or “#enjoylife” as if they think the average person can do so whenever they please. At times, I feel happy and inspired by what gets posted, but more often I feel just annoyed. Jealousy? Nope. It’s for a different reason altogether.

I have been employed in the mental health field since 2014, serving as a licensed social worker since 2020. During that time, I have had the honor of working with people with persistent, severe mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, caregivers of those with terminal disease, people battling debilitating conditions, and adults who have suffered from complex trauma. For some of us, the “Instagram/Tiktok-worthy” type of self-help is not enough – or even doable. Social media can preach about self-help all day (hell, what even is self-help?), but the associated culture is judgmental and privileged, even toxic.

Let me share with you this wisdom:

You are not failing yourself if you have more cookies than intended, can’t find the motivation to go to the gym today, or forgot to do your hot yoga. You are human. Some days, weeks, and months are simply harder than others.

The true pathway to self-help is self-compassion and self-forgiveness.

Genuine self-care does not need to meet the standards for social media. Even though I appear quite glamorous in my professional photographs and my clients always see me with my make-up done, that is not me every day. On days off, I do indeed wear an oversized tee shirt with sweatpants, bare-faced and with unbrushed hair, and that’s okay.

It's the little things...

I live with chronic medical conditions. Sometimes my self-care requires me to stretch my neck so far to the right I look like a freakish creature in a Stephen King film, which I learned after physical therapy is the most natural way to treat my radiculopathy and cervical disc degeneration. I also have hypothyroidism and anemia, so my self-care consists of blood draws, levothyroxine, and iron supplements.

Self-care in practice

Self-care means to force myself to step away from my desk to get in a stretch when I can feel pain or numbness beginning to radiate through my spine, the indicator that I have been sitting in place for too long. And yes, this can mean my break is spent caring for myself, not necessarily replying to text messages and emails right away (although I will say I’m good at that). Self-care means I let myself have dinner at an appropriate hour on some weeknights, a simple pleasure I neglected for years as a therapist because that is “prime time” for therapy clients. Self-care requires I set down boundaries with my loved ones, letting them know that I cannot stop everything I’m doing to satisfy their needs and wants no matter what.

Do you!

So stop being hard on yourself. It is okay to mess up. Embrace being perfectly imperfect. Listen to your intuition to guide you in what defines “self-help” for you. Who cares if it isn’t sexy? If you need help identifying ways to take care of you, setting boundaries with others so you can take care of you or asking others for support- we would love to help you on that journey. Contact our office today.

-Valerie Smith, LMSW

When it comes to healing from trauma, it can be difficult to decide which therapy is right for you. For those in New York, EMDR Therapy and Hypnosis are two of the most popular therapeutic approaches. To help you make an informed decision, it's important to understand the key differences between EMDR Therapy and Hypnosis, and how they are applied by an EMDR therapist. In this blog post, we'll discuss the benefits and drawbacks of both EMDR Therapy in New York and Hypnosis to help you make the best decision for your journey towards healing.

Is EMDR hypnosis?

No, EMDR therapy in New York and hypnosis are two distinct modalities used in psychotherapy. Although they share similarities, such as helping trauma victims overcome anxiety and stress caused by traumatic memories, they work in different ways. Hypnotherapy involves inducing a trance-like state to access the subconscious mind and facilitate change. On the other hand, EMDR therapy uses eye movements to process and desensitize traumatic memories, without inducing a trance-like state. Where the purpose of hypnosis is to induce a trance-like state, the purpose of EMDR is to maintain dual-awareness. Dual awareness means the client can keep one foot in the past and one foot in the present. They are aware of their surroundings and well-trained EMDR therapists will work to keep you within that state of dual awareness, as it is so crucial to the process of EMDR. 

Examining the goals of EMDR therapy in New York

When it comes to EMDR therapy in New York, the main goal is to provide trauma victims with a safe and effective treatment option to manage their symptoms. EMDR aims to help patients reprocess and ultimately heal from traumatic events that may have occurred years ago. This is accomplished by taking a systematic approach that helps to break down the barriers created by the traumatic experience. 

Through a series of stages, EMDR therapy works to help the patient establish a sense of control over the traumatic experience. The therapy helps to retrain the brain so that traumatic memories are no longer stored in an emotionally-charged manner. Patients learn to detach themselves from their negative emotions and responses to triggers associated with their trauma. 

Another important goal of EMDR therapy is to promote lasting change. Unlike traditional talk therapy which can sometimes require years of treatment, EMDR is designed to provide a faster resolution of symptoms. Many patients have reported significant improvement in their symptoms after just a few sessions. This therapy has shown a high success rate for PTSD treatment. 

Overall, EMDR therapy in New York provides an effective and structured treatment option for trauma victims. This therapy has helped countless patients break free from the pain and distress of their past traumas. It is a powerful and effective method for achieving healing and growth after trauma.

Examining the Goals of Hypnosis

When it comes to trauma therapy, hypnosis is often used as a modality to help individuals overcome their traumatic experiences. Trauma therapists in New York might recommend hypnotherapy to help clients break harmful thought patterns or address suppressed memories related to the traumatic event.

The goal of hypnosis is to get the client into a trance-like state where they are more open to suggestions. During this state, the therapist might guide the person towards a specific goal, such as changing their perception of traumatic memories or developing positive coping mechanisms. 

While hypnosis can be effective in helping people process trauma, it's important to note that it's a controversial therapy. Some individuals might feel uncomfortable with the idea of being hypnotized, while others might be concerned about the potential for false memories to be created during the trance-like state.

However, it's important to note that hypnosis typically focuses on achieving a single goal through suggestion. While this can be effective for some individuals, it may not be the best fit for those with multiple traumas or PTSD symptoms. Additionally, hypnosis may not be suitable for individuals who have a hard time letting go of control or have difficulty entering a trance-like state.

Despite these potential challenges, hypnosis can be a powerful tool in helping people heal from trauma. With the guidance of a qualified trauma therapist in New York, hypnotherapy can help clients access and process repressed memories and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

It's crucial to work with a qualified therapist when seeking hypnosis or any other trauma therapy modality. This ensures that clients receive personalized and effective treatment tailored to their specific needs.

Ultimately, hypnosis is not the only approach available, and trauma therapists in New York might recommend EMDR therapy instead. EMDR therapy has been shown to be effective in helping individuals overcome the negative impact of traumatic experiences. In the next section, we'll examine the goals and methods of EMDR therapy in New York.

Which approach is a better fit for client's that experience trauma?

Both EMDR therapy in New York and hypnosis require professionally trained therapists. EMDR therapy training involves specific protocols and techniques, while hypnotherapy training requires specialized training in hypnosis techniques. However, one key difference is that hypnosis cannot be carried out online, while EMDR therapy in New York can be administered online. When it comes to addressing trauma, EMDR therapy in New York aims to help individuals deal with PTSD symptoms and overcome difficulties caused by the trauma and its memories. While hypnosis can help address different aspects of the problem, EMDR has been extensively researched, particularly for PTSD. Studies have found EMDR to be effective in the treatment of PTSD. On the other hand, hypnosis may also alleviate the symptoms of PTSD, with a meta-analysis study showing both short and long-term impacts for trauma victims.

While EMDR therapy in New York is generally well-received in the psychology world, hypnosis is still seen as pseudoscience by many. Nevertheless, some therapists may use both EMDR and hypnosis to treat trauma based on the individual's unique situation. It is worth noting that EMDR is more readily available as it can be accessed online, allowing individuals to seek the help of an EMDR therapist from the comfort of their own homes.

Where can I get EMDR therapy in New York?

If you're looking for EMDR therapy in New York, look no further than Long Island EMDR. Our team is passionate about using EMDR to help our clients heal from trauma, and many of our clinicians are trained in this approach. Whether you're looking for traditional weekly EMDR sessions or want to try an intensive approach, our team can help. To find an EMDR therapist at our practice, simply  check out our Our Team page. From there, you can schedule a free consultation to ensure the best fit for your needs. We look forward to helping you on your journey to healing and recovery.

Sending love & light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW