Refocusing Your Intention and Resetting Your Goals
We’re about a month into the new year and this can be the time where commitment to our resolutions can start to become lackluster. Sometimes difficulties to maintaining our goals can lead to disappointment in ourselves and cause us to fall into this negative headspace where we wind up resenting our overall objective and decide it no longer matters. Where we get ourselves into trouble is when we pick ourselves apart for not being thin enough, productive enough, healthy enough, etc and we wind up setting these outrageous goals for ourselves that we don’t have the tools to reach and then get disheartened when we haven’t magically ridden ourselves of our love of ice cream on January 1st.
Growth is a wonderful thing- whether it be that we are going to start a new workout routine or that we are going to start carving out time for ourselves every day to enjoy and recharge. But setting a goal that truly means a lot to us as individuals is very different than setting one that we feel we need to attain to be valuable. If this is resonating with you, now may be a good time to refocus and reset your intention for your goals, both short and long term. Below are some questions to ask yourself as you check in regarding your current goal. Keep in mind that if you come across a question and think “Welp, didn’t do that. Better luck next year,” don’t worry! This is not a sign that your journey is doomed but rather an opportunity to possibly identify and overcome a barrier. We’ll say it a few times in this post but to start, remember you have permission to make changes along the way and any step you have taken to work towards something meaningful to you is something to be celebrated.
1: Is the goal vague or specific?
Having specifics can be helpful because we see the actual steps needed to achieve our goal. For example, if my goal is to be more patientI might not really understand what more patience would look like in different scenarios. So I could decide, for example, to be more patient with my family members when it comes to cleaning the house. Maybe that means meeting with my household and saying I’ll do my best to give my family members a full day before mentioning dirty dishes in the sink.
2: How are you measuring your success?
Is there a way that you will know you are achieving or working towards your goal? If my goal is to improve my organization skills I may measure my organization by my ability to identify what’s on the agenda for the day or maybe I will be able to accomplish my tasks for the day or week on time. By doing this I’ll have a clear marker to compare my progress to.
3: How attainable is your goal?
Whatever your goal is it may be helpful to check in to see if there are any pre-requisites to accomplishing your objective or if your goal seems so large that it is overwhelming, this may be a good time to break it up into smaller parts. For example, it will definitely be difficult to achieve my goal of walking 2 miles a day if I don’t have appropriate sneakers on day one.Furthermore, not being able to meet my first objective but trigger that disappointment we mentioned earlier and could direct me into a loop where I’m so busy focusing on my disappointment and allowing other things to get in the way, that I don’t actually start working towards my goal. Something that can be really empowering when we feel like our plan isn’t planning out the way we hoped is giving ourselves credit for what we have done to achieve this goal.Maybe I’ll celebrate when I prioritize going to get a pair of shoes and setting an alarm for the next morning to start my walking plan. It’s amazing how acknowledging a component of a larger objective can cause a surge of motivation to continue forward.
4: How relevant is your goal?
Goals are important. They encourage us to grow and prevent us from becoming complacent in things that are truly important to us. However sometimes we wind up setting a goal that does not exactly align with our intention. If it seems like what you’re working towards combats with your values and long-term aspirations, this may be a sign that the goal is not relevant to your overall purpose. If that’s the case it may be helpful to take a moment and examine what the cause of misalignment between the present goal and your mission is and perhaps, reassess and redefine your goal so they co-exist. This is not to say your goal should be attained without effort but rather your goal should reflect a true commitment what is important to us.
5: Is This Goal Time-Bound?
Deadlines can be helpful to keep us motivated and serve as a check in regarding our progress to keep us on track. For example, if I want to train for a marathon in a year, I’m more likely to meet this goal if I’m mindful of my deadline so I might come up with a monthly objective to increase my endurance and stamina. If I don’t hold myself accountable to a timeline I may be more likely to push off my workouts and my goal may slip further and further away from me. With this in mind, take a note of your goal and see if there is a realistic timeline to achieve your goal. As we said earlier, breaking a big goal into smaller parts can be very empowering. In this way setting deadlines for each smaller component can enhance our motivation even more by holding us accountable for checking in and keeping us invested consistently along the way.
6: Is There Anything That Could Get In The Way of Steps 1-5?
Life happens and sometimes we can’t anticipate what lies ahead. Our plans for achievement are not finite. We can be flexible in the steps we take to achieve success. So if there have been barriers or unforeseen disruptions in staying on track, give yourself permission to re-evaluate your plan to address these obstacles. Lastly, give yourself permission to adapt and, again, don’t forget to acknowledge the work you have already put in to grow.
Being a mom is hard, being a mom who strives to meet your child’s every need is taxing but well worth the effort. How do we balance meeting our children’s needs and taking care of ourselves? Being a good mom doesn’t mean neglecting yourself for the sake of your baby. What your child needs most is a happy mama who is able to be their calm and support. Self-care is really important for both you and your little one. What self-care looks like and what that means for each person is different. At Long Island EMDR we provide Postpartum Therapy for moms experiencing postpartum depression and/or anxiety. Here is a list of suggestions of what you can do for self-care so afterwards, you are more ready and able to meet the needs of your little one.
Support is number one because it makes taking a needed break possible. Utilizing grandparents, your partner, other family members or close friends is important. If you have supports around you, ask for help. I know we want to do it all but sometimes even someone coming by for you to cook without the baby on you or take a shower alone will help you to feel relaxed. I struggled the first few months with leaving my son for any stretch of time but if you are comfortable, a walk outside in the park or dinner out with your partner is a good way to relax and center yourself. As I said earlier just having someone come over so you can enjoy little things like cooking, showering, or reading alone may be the bit of relaxation you need.
Understandably, this is not always possible if you have a limited support network. The phrase “it takes a village” really is true so it is important that you work on building your supports. Finding like-minded parents that you feel comfortable leaving your child/children with can be a great source of relief.
No matter whom you leave your child with make sure they know how you want your child taken care of when you’re away. Tell them your preferences for medications. Teach them your child’s hunger cues and ways you soothe your child when he/she becomes upset. Always leave an emergency contact list.
If possible go to the gym when your spouse is still home (before work or after). If you’re like me and that’s not possible, join a gym where you can bring your baby. I go to Fit4mom, which has the added benefit of also being a second support network of like-minded moms (at least in my location).
If you can’t get anyone to supervise your little ones, bring them in with you. My child loves baths. So its usually relaxation time for us both.
I really love reading and always feel accomplished after I finish a good book.
If it’s nice out put on that baby carrier and take your baby with you. Just being outdoors is relaxing. Michael and I go on walks often. He likes to look at nature and usually is lulled to sleep while we walk. Fresh air and a change of scenery can be nice, especially in the early months where you may feel like your stuck in the house.
Whether you have 5 minutes or an hour, meditation is a great way to relax and center yourself. I love the app Insight Timer they have all sorts of meditations and they vary in time commitments. I also love the “sleep” feature so you can drift off to sleep and the app turns off when the meditation is finished.
Seriously. I know it sounds childish to some but there are an array of adult coloring books that really are quite relaxing to do.
Did you know studies actually show you can train your brain to be more positive by writing down 3 positive things a day? The list should be specific, not “my husband, my child, work”, but more like ” my child is healthy”, “I’m able to breastfeed”, ” my husband is supporting me in returning (or not returning) to work”. Postpartum therapy can assist you in identifying what is going right if you are feeling so anxious or hopeless you cannot think of a single thing to be grateful for.
If you can’t get out and you have no one able to come to you, a phone call can be a lifeline. Call someone who is supportive and willing to listen. Catching up with a friend or relative can really brighten your day.
Even if it’s music on while you have a spare minute to vacuum the floor. Crank up some old jams and dance around yourself. I love to sing, my dancing skills are not so great (but I will still dance like a fool), and I find singing really helps to release anxiety.
Take care of yourself. On an airplane they always tell you to put your mask on first. You need to be calm and happy to help your child be calm and happy. You’re also modeling good coping strategies for your child. They learn more from what you do, then what you say.
If you need some more help with navigating postpartum symptoms and want to begin postpartum therapy, please reach out to our office.
Sending love and light,
In our world today, perfectionism is viewed as positive and fear of failure is frowned upon. Perfectionism is something people often consider more of a strength than a weakness. That constant desire for perfection can become unhealthy and irrational. Longing for a fulfilling life, lacking self-confidence, all-or-nothing, over-thinking, fear of failure, fear of judgement and what people think, significantly high standards, people pleasing, and craving guidance. Does any of this sound familiar to you? If so, you are far from alone.
As far back as I can remember, I struggled with this compulsive internal desire to be perfect and anything short of that was seen as failure. My perfectionism became intertwined with my sense of self; which is how perfectionist traits can become depleting. As I got older, I viewed my sense of perfectionism as one of my greatest strengths; well, likely because perfectionism is ultimately an illusion and the pursuit of perfection becomes a vicious cycle. Becoming self-aware and changing my mindset of perfection tendencies have been difficult for me and still requires daily effort and practice to increase self-compassion and decrease self-criticism.
I have come to realize that at the same time as we set unreasonable standards for ourselves, social media reinforces unrealistic standards and magnifies the fear of failure. With social media being a large part of our lives and our culture, it is often difficult to avoid. But it is possible to see beyond the illusion of being perfect and begin to change your mind set to become the best version of yourself that you can be. We ultimately get in our own way of living a fulfilling life.
Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is necessary to see beyond the illusion and become your best self. Healthy striving is self-focused: “How can I improve?” Perfectionism is other-focused: “What will they think?” It’s about creating an environment where imperfection isn’t just accepted but celebrated, because it means we’re human. Changing how you think about yourself is a work in progress. Allowing imperfection to happen and accepting it relieves that extra weight you have been carrying with you. Celebrate imperfections and get out of your own way!
Anxiety sucks. Sometimes it feels like our brains have been hijacked. We get caught on an endless hamster wheel of “what if’s”, self-doubt, and mind-reading that inevitably has us feeling worse. And no, I’m not going to tell you to just “stop worrying” because as a fellow anxious human I am well aware that if you could just stop- you would have by now. What I will say is we can make efforts every day to be more present, in the moment so that we lessen the amount of time we spend worrying and increase our enjoyment with what is going well in your life. Here are some of the top things that have helped my anxious clients, (and me), take back some control:
As always, if you feel you need further assistance managing your anxiety, contact a local therapist or speak with your doctor. Anxiety can be a really challenging thing to manage and seeking help to learn the skills you need to cope can have a significant positive impact on your overall health, well-being and future.
Returning to school may be challenging for parents and children alike. The pandemic is still not over and many children, teens and parents have concerns about staying safe once school starts. Moreover, we are not sure what to expect as far as new rules in the school and changes to their normal school routines. Though we cannot predict what will happen, it will be helpful to keep your child’s a home routine as normal as possible. Children may find it difficult to adjust back to their school routines after such a long break – parents may too. Here are some helpful tips to address their concerns and any possible behavioral issues: