I’m a therapist who is transparent about seeking therapy for myself, and who believes both teletherapy and therapy is helpful for almost all people, regardless of the circumstances. Throughout my years, I have undergone my own therapy for different reasons, from wanting support for the trauma I experienced, to learning how to gain the self-esteem needed for me to break free from domestic violence, for simple advice about navigating through transitions, as well as for a means to cope as a caregiver for two parents who both were terminal. Sometimes, too, it felt cathartic just to be able to “vent” to a nonjudgmental, compassionate individual.
Unfortunately, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, it isn’t easy to get a therapist! I’ve had to leave voicemails, emails, and private messages for many local therapists – quite a few who never got back to me, and most who said, “sorry, I’d love to help you but I’m full” without any advice about who I could go to instead. Alternatively, for the therapists who did respond, there were issues with the commute (I require public transportation due to a neurodevelopmental disability) or with timing. For part of my treatment saga, I was also in graduate school and working a full-time job on top of balancing a mandatory field placement, which made it seemingly impossible to fit in self-care for myself.
Talk about irony! I remember it so vividly. I was a social work student learning how to be a therapist, employed at a community mental health agency while also interning at a private practice. I made the time to be there for my clients at the expense of ignoring my own needs. I desperately wanted a therapist of my own, but with the transportation issue, an unforgiving schedule, and the lack of available therapists in the area, how could I?
Then the pandemic happened. The world shut down. Overnight, I had to change meeting with clients face-to-face to going online. I will admit I came with a bias. Years before, during orientation for my social work undergraduate program, a rather old-fashioned professor rambled about why online therapy is a “threat” to the field. Mainly it was that she assumed HIPAA could not be honored or that the relationship was not as “real and organic.” However, now after being exclusively a remote-based therapist since the pandemic to the present, I must admit I respectfully disagree with her. Some of my most intimate, heart-to-heart conversations have been over a video screen. I have shared in my client’s sorrows, hopes, fears, joys, celebrations, and hardships. And I have seen glimpses into the very environment where they spend most of their time – their homes. There is something so powerful, insightful, and raw about seeing one’s home which cannot be captured through the spoken word while in a therapy office. It is truly a privilege to be trusted with seeing the private spaces of my clients, and in turn they get to see mine. Furthermore, teletherapy allows for me to work with anyone if their primary residence is New York State, going far beyond the borders of Suffolk County. This means the people who choose me as their therapist do so because they want to work with me, not because of just location. This arrangement has allowed me to blossom as a specialist in turn, having clients who all fit into my niches (grief/bereavement, complex trauma or C-PTSD, caregiving stress, and/or people with debilitating disease).
Thanks to teletherapy, I too got to have my own weekly therapy. After a somber event happened, I needed a therapist to process my emotions. One therapist who replied to me in a timely fashion offered teletherapy to anyone in the state. She offered everything I needed – experience, knowledge, efficiency, she even liked the challenge of having other therapists as her clients! Perfect! Yet best of all, the flexibility of being online allowed me the flexibility I required to remain efficient in my own role as a therapist to the people I serve. It was simple: I only needed to log in to the teleconference platform right before the session start time. This allowed me to never miss a scheduled session, be proactive about my recovery, and let my “therapy time” truly be 45 minutes (rather than adding in commuting time, which of course could be delayed due to an accident or inclement weather!). Plus, this also meant I got to have more time for other commitments in my life.
Still feeling unsure about teletherapy? Here’s some perks.
There are numerous reasons why teletherapy is beneficial. Here are a few in summary.
Privacy (the BIG one!)
Have you ever ran into someone you know while in the waiting room? Worse, was it someone you have difficulty with because you two do not get along? Yep, talk about awkward. Back in high school, I remember being in the waiting room at a therapist’s office when suddenly a girl I knew came in to pick up her younger sibling. She was best friends with a bully who absolutely loved to torment me. Yep… awkward.
Want to hear another unsettling story? That practice was so disorganized with communication that there was always competition for rooms. One time while I was there, one of the therapists came into the waiting room to ask if any of us would be willing to have our session in the kitchen – the public kitchen, where staff and clients alike could come and go to get coffee. Yeah, I’m not kidding. Talk about a HIPAA violation!
Or maybe you have been spared such severe examples, but most of us can relate to at least this experience: Have you ever overheard the entire conversation between the patient and the clinician while at a doctor or therapist’s office? Or have attempts to soundproof the rooms still proven impossible? I’ve been there, too.
Fortunately, with teletherapy you do not need to be concerned about coming across someone you know in the waiting room, parking lot, or restroom. You can schedule your session for a time where you will have optimal privacy and confidentiality, whether that be in your home, your car, or even in your backyard.
Flexibility
Going to a session is easy when you do not have to drive to and from the therapy office! Clients can schedule their session during lunch break, before work or class, during their baby’s naptime or when the toddler is watching Sesame Street, or any other gap. In turn, it allows me to offer a wider schedule to also suit my clients’ needs.
Flexibility is especially important for clients who otherwise would not be able to fit therapy into their schedules at all. For example, for my clients who are caregivers, it would be impossible for them to commit to in-person therapy because they would need to arrange for care for both the session and the commute. However, with teletherapy, they are only “away” from their loved one for 45 minutes, and they also have the option to step away from the computer to care for them, if needed. Or as another example, say the client has a serious medical issue. They can prioritize their doctors’ appointments without having to suffer from a late cancelation fee because chances are, I can fit them into another time slot for that week. This is not always the case for in-person therapists because they tend to have stricter “on the clock” hours.
Accessibility for People with Illness or Disability
Sadly, although therapists tend to think they are sensitive to those with medical issues, this is often not the case. Their hearts may be in the right place, but they simply do not understand why going to an appointment in-person can be a great challenge. It is one thing for an office to be “ADA-friendly” by having an elevator. But what if the elevator fails? What if the parking lot is full of potholes? What if there is no ramp at the entrance or no automatic door? What if the restroom door is very heavy? What if the person needs their caregiver to help ambulate them but the only appointment times available do not work for the caregiver?
What if the person has IBS or Crohn’s disease? Or maybe they are pregnant? The fear of waiting in line for the restroom is a legitimate concern for such people, in addition to the embarrassment that comes with nosy strangers.
If you have limitations due to an illness, disability, or medical procedure, you may be unable to make it into the office, which will hinder treatment during when it is most needed. Teletherapy removes these barriers by allowing you to “log in” from the comfort of your bed.
Continuity of Treatment for College Students
For some youth, their connection with their therapist is one of the healthiest, strongest relationships they have with an adult. They make great progress, tackling the core beliefs or issues or whatever it is that is hurting them… until they must discontinue therapy because they are moving away for college. In the best-case scenario, the therapist may just happen to know another therapist who is in that area and can take on the referral – but that is almost never the reality. Usually, the treatment is terminated, and the client is left floating, just waiting to hopefully get some help through the counseling center at their college. These colleges may not have enough counselors available to assist every student, lack the training needed for issues that go beyond “typical college stuff,” or other limitations.
On the flip side, with teletherapy, college students can keep their therapist, even those going to a college outside of their home state! In my case, I can keep every student who began with me in high school and has since left for a college that is far away. The only requirement is that their primary address must still be in New York, which usually is the case for college students as they tend to “go home” during breaks.
Reduced Wait-Times
In an in-person setting, there may be a considerable wait time to get an appointment with a particular therapist. However, remote-based therapists tend to have more time slots open and allow themselves to be more available. For instance, if someone needs to reschedule a session with me, that is much easier to accommodate because I can log on during a time when I usually do not work. On the other hand, an in-person therapist may only be able to offer times that are bad for the client, or say they are completely unavailable because otherwise they may have to drive to the office for just one session.
Effectiveness (yes, teletherapy is just as good as in-person therapy!)
Evidence-based research supports that teletherapy is highly-effective for most clients, issues, and modalities – and generally, teletherapy is just as useful as in-person therapy. Sometimes it is even more effective since clients may feel more relaxed being in their homes.
It is only a myth that teletherapy is a “diluted” version of in-person therapy. In truth, most modalities (i.e., EMDR, DBT) can be easily adapted to an online version. For instance, there is a website I use for the bilateral stimulation used with my EMDR clients.
For more reasons as to why teletherapy may be the right option for you or your child, click here.
Doesn’t it drive you nuts when people tell you to “calm down” when you’re upset, anxious, panicked, or afraid? It drives me insane. I just think to myself, “Okay great…and how do I accomplish that without putting you through a wall?” Of course I don’t act on such thoughts! But I understand the frustration of feeling stuck in a dark, deep hole of anxiety while the bystanders at the top of the ditch are yelling down to me, “calm down!” or “it’ll be fine!” or “you’re overreacting!”. Which is why grounding techniques can be so beneficial when no one else can.
First, we should go over some basics of what anxiety and panic look like so we can better spot them before we feel completely unraveled in our experience with such symptoms.
Fight or Flight Response
First, quick side note/science lesson…our bodies yield both the Sympathetic and Parasympathetic nervous systems. Housed in the Sympathetic nervous system is our “fight or flight” that prepares us to respond to danger. While fight or flight has always been essential to survival, the body can’t always tell what is a genuine danger versus when we are just emotionally uncomfortable or going through something. The Parasympathetic nervous system helps our bodies restore back to a state of calm when fight or flight is no longer needed. This information is important because it plays a GIGANTIC ROLE in anxiety, panic, as well as other mental health struggles.
So when we have anxiety, there is constant worry that we can’t seem to shake most of the time in addition to maybe feeling restless, on edge, having a hard time focusing, feeling more irritable, physically tense, having a tough time sleeping and feeling easily fatigued quite a bit. I go through this myself and I can tell you firsthand that ignoring these symptoms will lead to feelings of anger and irritability, scatteredness, constant exhaustion, and like every little thing is an insurmountable task which will negatively affect your life across the board. Trust me, I know.
What is Panic?
Panic is a bit different and more intense than your typical anxiety monster impeding on your day to day life. With panic, we actually feel like we’re having a heart attack or like we’re going to die! That’s right…there are instances when people have had to go to the Emergency Room because they thought they were having a medical emergency. Completely understandable given the symptoms of panic. If we look at symptoms of panic that include accelerated heart rate/palpitations, sweating, trembling/shaking, shortness of breath, feelings of choking, chest pain/tightness/discomfort, chills or heat sensations, numbness or tingling, feeling detached from ourselves or reality, fearing we are losing control, and fears of dying….it’s no wonder people may want to seek out a medical professional real quick.
While I have never experienced a panic attack myself…I am willing to bet that if I ever do, I’m getting my butt straight to the Emergency Room because as humans, what are we supposed to think when all of that is going on without any clear medical explanation? I highly encourage anyone experiencing such symptoms, especially if this has never happened before, to seek medical attention immediately and rule out medical concerns before chalking this all up to panic!
However, once we rule out medical concerns and have an understanding of panic symptoms, we can better manage them without seeking unnecessary medical attention or escalating our anxiety/panic due to fear of the unknown. It is essential to understand that panic attacks are just that, panic. They cannot physically harm you and they tend to last about 10 minutes (while I’m sure it feels like forever!). So, we have to remember that it will pass and getting comfortable with discomfort is one of the first steps to getting through panic attacks. I’m sure that’s obnoxious to hear, but it’s true.
Much of the time, what I’ve caught myself doing to alleviate my own generalized anxiety is to avoid, avoid, avoid. Whether it be avoiding a deadline or an uncomfortable conversation, dodging obligations/tasks all together feels good in the moment, for sure. While my education tells me that avoiding my anxiety like the plague only makes things worse, I admittedly engage in this behavior. And trust me, the education is correct…avoidance only feeds the anxiety monster that lurks beneath.
So what are we to do when anxiety and panic strike?
Well, a form of coping called grounding skills seems to help many, including myself, to feel more centered in the present moment and ultimately activate my parasympathetic nervous system (that’s what we want). With grounding, we are essentially turning our attention to the present moment so that we can ultimately feel more calm and address potentially anxious triggers.
In grounding, we use our five senses to return to the present moment when feeling overwhelmed and like everything is on top of us. Grounding equips us with several skills to utilize healthy detachment from emotional pain with use of distraction until we feel ready to return to any given problem. The following 5 skills that I will list below can be used any time, in any place, and can be completely discreet. There are many more ways of grounding that will not be covered here but I encourage you to explore ways of grounding with your therapist to find the right fit for you.
The 5-4-3-2-1 Technique:
This skill invites us to observe 5 things we can see, 4 things we can feel, 3 things we can hear, 2 things we can smell, and 1 thing we can taste. For example, if I am feeling overwhelmed I will stop and look around me, engaging in this technique to focus on something aside from my stressor for a few minutes until I can collect myself and face my problems with my head screwed on right.
Body Awareness Technique:
Here, we are encouraged to focus our attention on sensations in the body and feeling of calm after the exercise is over. Below, you will find an example cited from Therapistaid.com.
- “Take 5 long, deep breaths through your nose, and exhale through puckered lips.
- Place both feet flat on the floor. Wiggle your toes. Curl and uncurl your toes several times. Spend a moment noticing the sensations in your feet.
- Stomp your feet on the ground several times. Pay attention to the sensations in your feet and legs as you make contact with the ground.
- Clench your hands into fists, then release the tension. Repeat this 10 times.
- Press your palms together. Press them harder and hold this pose for 15 seconds. Pay attention to the feeling of tension in your hands and arms.
- Rub your palms together briskly. Notice and sound and the feeling of warmth.
- Reach your hands over your head like you’re trying to reach the sky. Stretch like this for 5 seconds. Bring your arms down and let them relax at your sides.
- Take 5 more deep breaths and notice the feeling of calm in your body.”
Grounding Statements:
When having anxiety or panic, a way to cultivate acceptance of discomfort and better managing symptoms, we can be kind to ourselves. Does it seem ridiculous? Maybe… but it can work! Focusing on positive words you say to yourself over and over in the midst of anxiety or panic can help you remember that you are strong, resilient, and can overcome difficult things in this life. Some examples of what you might say to yourself would be, “This is uncomfortable but I can accept it”, “I will let my body do its thing and it will pass”, “I survived this before and can do it again”, “this isn’t dangerous”, “no need to push myself, I can take a small step forward as I choose”, “these are just thoughts, not reality”, or “don’t worry, be happy”.
Diaphragmatic Breathing:
I’m sure mostly everyone has heard of some form of deep breathing and I often hear clients tell me, “this doesn’t work for me”. Upon closer inspection, I find that people may try this once or twice, and when it's not instantly working, they chuck it out the window. However, this form of deep breathing should be given a fair shot! Let me explain a bit more about how to engage in this skill, then I’ll explain why I feel so strongly that deep breathing really needs to be given a chance.
So, how do we do this one? We put one hand on our chest and the other on our belly. Then, we inhale slowly through our nose, hold briefly, and exhale through our mouth. Some follow a formula of 4-6-4; ie. inhale 4 seconds, hold 6 seconds, exhale 4 seconds). Adjust to your comfort level. Make sure that upon breathing in, your belly is expanding out. Notice how your belly expands and falls with each breath. It is recommended to engage in this skill for at least 2-5 minutes daily.
The reason deep breathing works is because it levels out the oxygen and carbon dioxide in your blood. When you have anxious breathing, your oxygen and carbon dioxide levels are uneven, leading to the physical manifestation of anxiety that we talked about earlier. So to help activate the parasympathetic nervous system (the one we want) and ease the physical parts of anxiety, diaphragmatic breathing is a great one to try. Let me know how it goes!
Using Sense of Smell for Grounding:
It has been found that in anxiety as well as trauma, the sense of smell is largely connected to the emotional part of our brains. If you think about it, maybe something that smells oddly familiar to you but you can’t put your finger on it brings a sense of comfort and calm. I know for me, whenever I smell anything that resembles Thanksgiving dinner, I have a sense of ease thinking back to fun childhood memories, enjoying my grandmother’s cooking for Thanksgiving dinner. Her food is always on point!
So when we are feeling anxious and/or triggered in any way, we can use sense of smell to quickly return to the present moment. Ideas that some of my clients have found helpful over time is to keep a perfume and/or cologne soaked handkerchief on them, an essential oil bottle on them, or maybe a favorite kitchen spice. Candles and/or wax warmers at home can also bring a sense of peace and calm using pleasant scents.
While anxiety can sometimes make us feel like we’re in a moving car with no driver, there are ways we can safely get back into the driver’s seat and navigate our symptoms safely, securely, and happily. Your therapist can help you navigate these tools and find out what may be the best suited for you and your needs. Anxiety will not get the best of us!
In couples counseling, many cite communication issues as being at the forefront of relationship challenges. Giving/receiving the silent treatment, experiencing defensiveness, criticizing one another, and feeling misunderstood by your partner are a few signs that communication issues are present in a relationship. Every person has a different communication style based on several factors, including upbringing, personality, previous relationships, and beliefs regarding self and others. While communication styles can be varied, there are some common threads that unite effective communication.
Here is a list of 4 simple strategies to improve communication with your partner. Notice I said YOUR communication; not necessarily their communication with you. You cannot change others; you can only change yourself. However, in implementing these steps, you are ensuring that you are expressing your needs in a healthy manner.
Step One: Actively Listen
Sounds simple. However, it is easier said than done. Rather than listening, oftentimes we are waiting for our turn to talk. We may be nodding our heads, but inside we are formulating our responses, or in some cases, rebuttals. A lot of information can be missed by doing this. We hear what we think the other person is saying based on past experiences and not what is being said. You can improve your listening skills by pausing, exhibiting open and relaxed body posture, avoiding interrupting, reflecting back what the other person has said, and asking questions for clarification. Make it easier to actively listen by eliminating any distractions from the environment.
Step Two: Foster Empathy
Humans are self-centered by nature. We see things from our point of view day in and day out, so putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes and viewing things from their perspective takes work. Fostering empathy often allows you to see a situation more clearly, it allows you to broaden your perspective and reduce anger, which has been proven to cloud logic and reasoning. This does not mean making excuses for their behavior. You are simply acknowledging that everyone has their own emotional and behavioral reactions that may differ from your own. From this place of understanding, validation, and acknowledgement, positive change can be made.
Step Three: Do Not Personalize
It is hard not to personalize someone’s actions when they affect you or even worse, they are directed AT you. However, how someone treats you reflects how they treat themselves. It has little to do with you, and everything to do with them. It is only personal if you make it personal. Do not let the words or actions of another determine how you feel about yourself. When you take yourself out of the equation, you can see things in a more neutral and realistic light, therefore moving you away from emotion and closer to logic.
Step Fourth: Use "I" Statements
The use of “I” statements helps decrease blaming while increasing self-awareness and personal responsibility. “You-statements" tend to cause the other person to feel defensive and/or shameful. An example of reframing a “you” statement to an “I” statement goes as follows: “You never listen to me” changed to “I am feeling alone and misunderstood; I want to know how I can communicate with you to gain a closer connection.” Reframing your language in this manner helps move toward a solution in a quicker and more meaningful way.
Remember, communication is not a one-way street!
These suggestions can be counter-intuitive. It also may be difficult to put these into practice if your partner is not receptive, or continues to communicate in a non-productive manner. However, by implementing these strategies, you can begin to empower yourself; ensuring you are communicating in the most effective manner possible to get your needs met.
If you find you have tried these strategies and are still having difficulty in your relationship, it may be time to try couples counseling. Couples counseling can be used as a great tool to address relationship issues before they escalate to causing irreversible damage. Contact our intake department to learn more.
After a long day, rushing to get your work done, put dinner on the table, and solve the crises everyone runs to you for, you finally get a moment of peace while laying down to sleep. Unfortunately, for many of us, this time can be full of distressing thoughts including memories of the past, fears for the future, and analysis of ourselves. Some even find themselves unable to fall asleep due to these ruminations, making their next day even more tiresome.
Why Do I Overthink at Night?
Our nighttime thoughts are often a reflection of our daily lives. To a degree, thinking at night is our mind’s attempt to reflect, adapt, and prepare for challenges to come. What this means is that if our days are full of stress then our minds will try to anticipate future stress and prepare us for that stress in our only moment of respite.
Some people find that giving themselves a time, during their waking hours, to feel their stresses and accept them, have less of a tendency to think of these thoughts later on. This can be a difficult task to do, but a number of clinicians at Long Island EMDR can be there to help you get started. Learn about them here.
Overthinking Affecting Sleep
People who suffer from overwhelming life stress, anxiety, depression, and associated insomnia will often say that their unwanted thoughts make it harder for them to get to sleep each night. This insomnia can lead to decreased work or academic performance, depleted mood, low energy and fatigue, or many other functional impacts.
How to Focus on Trying to Sleep
As silly as it may seem: count sheep. More specifically, there is research that suggests repeating a word or phrase at specific rates (usually 3-4 repetitions a second) can impact our brain’s ability to think of other thoughts. This is called articulatory suppression. This phrase should be neutral so that it doesn’t trigger thoughts of other things to come to mind. Some people find syllables or articles (“the”, “an,” or “a”) as helpful choices.
Others find imagery to be exceptionally helpful in maintaining sleep and getting to sleep. Try this exercise: in your mind, craft a story around yourself doing something that you enjoy most. Do your best to picture the details: sights, sounds, smells, or tastes. By practicing this imagery, you are training your brain to use your imagination to distract yourself from your thoughts. If those intrusive thoughts come to mind, accept that they are there, and push them aside as you author your tale.
Remember, this is a learned skill. It may not come naturally and it may not work the first few tries.
Other things that you may be able to do to focus on your sleep include:
- Staying off of your electronics at least 30 minutes before bedtime.
- Not utilizing your sleep space for non-intimacy or non-sleep-related activities throughout the day.
- Eliminating caffeine or other stimulating substances.
- If you struggle to fall asleep within an hour and a half, get up and do something for 15 minutes. Then try again.
- Exercise in the day to drain excess energy.
What to do to Control Thoughts
Our brains are very much like a river: the water represents our thoughts and the land represents our mind. If we can place ourselves firmly in the river, and not get carried away with the current, then we can improve our wellbeing. For some, the current, or our intrusive overthinking, will carry us into anxiety, depression, and other negative mental places. So, we look to take some control back and stand up.
Some brief activities can help us to control our thoughts and thus improve our nighttime routines.
- Mindfulness meditation.
- Breathing exercises.
- Positive affirmations and rejection of self-judgements.
- Taking a meaningful break from daily stress.
- Identify what causes unwanted thoughts and our focus on them.
- Journal your thoughts and feelings.
- Talk with your therapist about Mindfulness and Acceptance based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
Everyone ruminates. Whether it’s thinking about something we said to someone, something we did wrong, or some recent event that is stuck in our mind. Ruminating thoughts can be defined as repetitive and recurrent, negative, thinking about past experiences and emotions (Michael, et al., 2007). However, while everyone experiences ruminating thoughts at some point in their life, for some, rumination can be distressing, difficult to stop, and can lead to dysfunction in their day-to-day lives.
Why do we ruminate?
When we think about ruminating, it’s important to acknowledge that it often comes from an effort to cope with distress. For instance, analyzing an experience can better prepare us to encounter a similar experience in the future. Or it can help us mend some relationships that were negatively impacted by an event in the past. But, when these thoughts aren’t leading to any productive change we can see individuals obsess over these thoughts, become anxious and depressed, isolate, or begin using / increasing their use of mind-altering substances.
Types of ruminating thoughts?
Ruminating thoughts can be very diverse. For some, they may ruminate about their hands being dirty and that they may get sick. Others may ruminate about suicidal thoughts, including existential themes about the meaning of life. Some may continually think about a traumatic experience, like an assault or some form of abuse. As well, some of these ruminating thoughts may be untrue distortions of events. For example, repeatedly thinking about being sexually assaulted may come with false thoughts that the victim somehow provoked their assailant or deserved to be assaulted.
Are my ruminating thoughts true?
Our experiences mold our self-esteem, or the way we perceive our behaviors, abilities and traits. A traumatic experience can leave individuals with warped perceptions of themselves that can have a detrimental effect on their day-to-day lives. Especially the formation of a negative self-esteem, or negative self-concept, is associated with feeling disempowered, hopeless, and helpless. Ruminating on these experiences, or even these self-beliefs, has been shown to exacerbate and prolong negative moods, and hinder social interaction and problem-solving skills (Wang, et. al, 2018).
Are ruminating thoughts part of a diagnosis?
Ruminating thoughts can be associated with a number of mental health diagnoses, including:
● Depression
● General and social anxiety
● Substance abuse disorder
● Bulimia
● Binge eating disorder
● Obsessive-compulsive disorder
● Post-traumatic stress disorder
● Personality disorders, like borderline personality disorder
There is hope!
Ruminating thoughts are treatable and manageable. Treatment often aims to interrupt the thought processes and improve coping skills to replace rumination. Some individuals find relief from medication management, cognitive-behavioral therapies, and mindfulness techniques.
If you experience ruminating thoughts and are looking for a way to move forward, please call our office and schedule an appointment. Our licensed clinicians and therapists on staff would be more than happy to work with you.
-Nicholas Costa, SFT Social Work Intern
Being a parent is not easy. Being a mom is pretty rough too. I recently watched a show called “Better Things” about a single mother (working in Hollywood) raising her 3 daughters. At some point in the show, one of the daughters made a comment about single mothers. Another character said, “All mothers are single mothers.” That hit me hard. As supportive as my husband is, and as an amazing father he is to our two perfect little children, it wasn’t always like that. Today I can confidently say that I do not feel like a single mother. I feel like my partner contributes many things he once did not, whether it be with the children or with household responsibilities. At some point in my life with children, I felt like if I had to leave the house, I had to set my husband up like a babysitter and have diapers, wipes, cream, outfits, bottles, blankets, etc., all ready for him so he would have no hiccups during those times with the baby/toddler.
That and along with the million other tasks I was responsible for, it became exhausting to say the least. I felt like I was on autopilot and not enjoying my life anymore. At that time, I was craving for my husband to just do and not be asked. It took a lot of therapy (individual and couples) for me to feel confident enough to communicate what I needed from him, and it took effort on his part to meet me halfway. We tell our children that we are a team, and everyone must do their part for each of us to feel happy and safe. My husband and I forgot what it meant to be a team to each other for a long time, and thankfully, today, I do feel like I have a trustworthy team member when raising our children. I do not leave my house with instructions for him like I would for a babysitter. I just leave knowing that he’s got this, and he does. In fact, he always was capable given the chance.
We often feel overwhelmed and burnout because we feel like the only one on the team who is participating. We plan most things, we are the ones packing for more than just ourselves for vacations. In the mornings, we get ourselves and 1,2, or 3+ people ready for the day, and then ready for bedtime at night. Learning and practicing ways to effectively communicate with confidence can help alleviate this feeling of burnout and make more time for us to be ourselves.
The Mental Load
Kelly Gonsalves from mindbodygreen.com writes about The Mental Load that women typically go through in which she defines as: “The mental load is a term for the invisible labor involved in managing a household and family, which typically falls on women's shoulders. Also sometimes referred to as "worry work" or "cognitive labor," the mental load is about not the physical tasks but rather the overseeing of those tasks.” This comic explains it the best: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Breaking the Cycle
It’s easier said than done- for sure I’ve lived this life. But putting in the work I promise is worth it. Here are some tips that have helped me to improve communication with my spouse.
1. Listening
Listening to what the other person is trying to say. As well as listening, not only to my children and my partner, but to myself. Listening to your feelings, triggers, warning signs, body sensations, or anything that might tell you that you need a break. Tips to Help You Actively Listen:
Focus fully on who is talking. This means not multitasking mama. Put the phone down, stop doing the laundry, stop thinking of the 20 other things you need to do. Engage. Make eye contact and be fully present with that person. If you find it hard to concentrate on what they are saying, repeating their words in your head it’ll reinforce them. Or check in on yourself- maybe you are not in the best emotional state to be having this conversation. If that’s the case take a break and tell them you will talk in an hour when your calm so you can be really present for them
Avoid interrupting or trying to redirect the conversation to your concerns. If you are coming up with a rebuttal or how to get the conversation back to your main concern- you're not really listening to them. You cannot listen fully and be thinking about what you will say next. If your doing this it can show through your non-verbal cues like your body language and facial expressions.
Show you understand what they are saying. Ask clarifying questions. Repeat a summary of what you heard so they can clarify for you. A lot of time miscommunication is what happens when we think another person is inferring something or we get fixated on the words they use- losing the message behind the words. Clarify. Some examples: “when you said ‘x’ are you saying that you feel ‘xyz’”.”what do you mean when you say…” “is this what you mean..” “Sounds like you are saying…”
Focus on understanding not judging. When we judge others there are a lot of value statements about what is right and wrong. Understanding is trying to see why they think the way they do, even if we don’t agree with it. It’s about empathizing with their position and understanding their pain-points- that’s how you find solutions. NOT the blame and shame game.
2. Paying attention to the non-verbal cues.
Both your body language and theirs. Make sure you are “open” with your body language. No crossing of arms or legs. Face should be understanding or neutral and your tone is important. If either of you are showing non-verbal cues that you're angry or anxious- table the conversation till you are both calm.
3. Managing your emotions
Being a mother means repeating yourself, having tiny voices repeat themselves around you, making messes everywhere, and invading your personal space all day everyday. It is easy to feel as though you might explode with frustration. Learning how to manage those explosive feelings and reactions can not only help you to feel sane, but can teach your children by example how to control themselves. Learning how to manage your emotions may come in the form of daily meditation, individual/couples therapy, or even with medication as prescribed and monitored by a psychiatrist. This also means paying attention to your triggers and warning signs and “tapping out” when you need a break. Walking away and taking space, even if it’s in the bathroom for 5 minutes, can help you to recenter yourself so you are not losing it on the family.
4. Be assertive
Being assertive to get what you want is not always easy, especially if you feel the burden of being the primary caregiver/housekeeper/shopper/activity planner, you know the be-all-end-all? Learning how to and practicing how to be assertive can change your life for the better and alleviate some of the pressures in life. It can also instill self-confidence in your children when you hold your boundaries and empower them to learn how to do for themselves! Honestly- same goes for the spouse.
5. Surround yourself with positive people that lift you up!
Having the right circle of support is key to really beginning to make these changes! Let’s be honest, for most of us we have been conditioned from childhood to help and please others. To neglect ourselves, our feelings and our needs. If you don’t get some people around you who are cheering you on to break the cycle- so that your kids don’t have that inner voice that says “my feelings and needs don’t matter”- it’s just going to be constant criticism from the people around you who instilled that value! And that coupled with change being so uncomfortable to begin with is not a good recipe for success.
Sound Like You?
It takes a lot of work and consistency for oneself to feel confident and empowered enough to set boundaries and expectations that are reasonable for everyone involved (including you momma!!). Joining a support group with people going through similar struggles can be a helpful way to join forces and empower each other to take back our voice, our alone time, our self-care, our guilty pleasures, and most importantly, the confidence to achieve these things in an appropriate and reasonable way. We all deserve this, and the saying “it takes a village” doesn’t just mean to raise a family, it also means to support the caregivers and mothers in our lives in different ways. If you are interested in receiving individual therapy from a woman who has truly been there, schedule with me today. If you feel you need a support group of like minded-woman join inquire about our “Don’t Know How She Does It Group”. I would love to help you become the woman you were born to be!
Sending Love,
Kristy Casper, LCSW
Art therapy is a newer form of therapy. It is an integrative mental health practice that is designed to improve the lives of individuals, families, and communities through the process of art-making, creative process, applied psychological theory, and human experience within a therapeutic relationship.
Art therapy should be done by a trained professional of art therapy. This will improve the effectiveness as art therapists are trained to create art therapy exercises that are designed to not only support you but also to help move deeper into your therapeutic goal. Art therapists are trained to use their knowledge to support your personal and therapeutic treatment goals throughout treatment. Art therapy has been used to improve cognitive and sensorimotor functions, help support a better relationship with self-esteem and self-awareness, produce emotional resilience, promote insight, enhance social skills, reduce and resolve conflicts and distress.
Art therapy is a wonderful tool therapists use to help patients interpret, express, and resolve their emotions and thoughts. This is a newer type of therapy and was first established in the 1940s however the practice did not become more widespread till the 1970s. Like other expressive arts therapy, such as dance therapy or music therapy, it draws on creativity.
Inaccurate Use of Term 'Art Therapy'
Often people mistake “Art therapy” for things that are not necessarily due to a lack of knowledge about the profession. However these situations provide an opportunity to offer accurate information and educate the public. This modality must be done by a trained art therapist or it is technically not art therapy. Some products that are mistaken for art therapy are adult coloring books and paint by numbers. Art therapists are not art teachers, their goal is not to make you a better artist but to help you improve your mental state through the use of art.
How Art Therapy Works
Many people ask "What is art therapy and how does it work?" It is all about expression. The process of creating is the most important thing, not the end product which is why anyone can do it. Often many people shy away due to a fear of not being an artist but this type of therapy is for anyone. It is designed to use the expressive arts as a way for people to understand and respond to their emotions and thoughts with a valuable new perspective, not only that artistic expression is good for mental health as it is often related to relaxation.
During a session, an art therapist works with clients to understand what is causing them distress. Then the therapist guides the client to create art with an art directive that addresses the cause of their issue or explores it further. During a session, art therapists may:
- Describe the goal of art therapy
- Explain that clients don't have to think of themselves as creative or artistic to benefit
- Help the client choose and use a medium, such as drawing, sculpture, collage, or painting
- Guide the client through expressing themselves through art, usually by asking questions
- Discuss the results, both the work of art and what the client felt
- Plan for another session or for the client to work on their own
Through different mediums and art techniques art therapy engages the mind, body, and spirit in ways that are not dependent on verbal articulation alone. Due to the way it engages the body and mind it causes various symbols to be created through the art process, this process also invites modes of receptive and expressive communication, which can benefit those who have limitations of language.
Who are Art Therapists
Art therapists are clinicians who are trained both in traditional clinical therapy and art therapy. Art therapists work with people of all ages and various populations. All art therapists are required to follow an ethical code. All art therapists are also required to have a master’s level education, as well as engage in supervision hours under a trained professional in order to obtain their license. This prepares them for various populations and gives them the ability to perfect their work.
Where Art Therapists Work
Art therapists work with individuals, couples, families, and groups in diverse settings. Some examples include:
- Hospitals
- Schools
- Veteran’s clinics
- Private practice
- Psychiatric and rehabilitation facilities
- Community clinics
- Crisis centers
- Forensic institutions
- Senior communities
Does Art Therapy Work?
There is growing evidence that art therapy helps conditions such as anxiety and depression, trauma, low self-esteem, PTSD, Bipolar and similar disorders. It has also been used with those facing terminal illnesses such as cancer and those hospitalized experiencing pain, as well as it has been used with people working to develop effective coping skills, including prison inmates
Many clients are reluctant to explore art therapy because they think that they have to have artistic talent for it to work or see it as "arts and crafts" rather than see it as an effective tool. This mindset can be very limiting and can hinder the effectiveness for these clients. It is important to go in with an open mind.
Is Art Therapy a Good Fit?
There's no way to tell for certain whether art therapy is a good fit for any given person. Therapy is not one-size-fits-all, and a client and therapist may need to use multiple different approaches and techniques in order to find what works best for you. However, if a patient is drawn to art or has had trouble expressing with traditional therapy, art therapy may be a wonderful fit for you.
When choosing a therapist it is good to consider the following. As a potential client, ask about:
- What is the therapist's experience with your particular mental health concern
- Which kinds of art the therapist uses
- How the therapist works with clients with your level of artistic experience
- What outcomes to expect
Often you should be able to tell in 1-3 sessions if this works for you.
Think Art Therapy Would Benefit You?
If you feel like art may be a good avenue for you to work through your mental health concerns please call our office and ask for Jillian Martino. Jill is our art therapist on staff and would be more than happy to help you work through your concerns through art. Jill specializes in LGBT issues, trauma, children and couples. Contact our office today to set up a free 15 minute consultation.
Mindfulness is the ability to be fully present and aware of where we are and what we’re doing. One important aspect of mindfulness is to not be overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us or in our mind. It is important to just observe without judgment. Mindfulness is a quality that we can all tap into, we simply just need to learn to access it. The following prompts are designed to help you begin becoming more mindful in just 15 days!!
1. Write a Gratitude Letter
This is one of my favorite personal practices. Write this letter as if you are writing it to a friend. Write everything you are grateful for as well as everything you are grateful to be working towards. After you do this, read it aloud. I like to do this practice daily.
2. Meditate
Meditation is a difficult one and can be difficult for people, often we believe that the brain should turn off during meditation. However it is quite the opposite, often our mind will start racing, the buddhist call this monkey brain. It is important during this practice to notice whatever may be coming up for you without engaging or giving the thought energy. After bringing your attention back to your breathing. If this practice is hard for you start small. Start with five minutes and then slowly increase the more you practice. There are also a ton of videos online and apps that can help support you through your meditation.
3. Draw Your Backyard
Take this time to really connect with yourself and your garden. Notice the smells, what you feel in your body. Maybe how your skin feels in the sun etc. Mindfulness is all about giving ourselves a moment to pause and appreciate everything, the good, bad and everything in between. Allow yourself to express without judgment.(If you don’t have a yard pick somewhere in nature)
4. Mindful Eating
Really make your food an experience here. Just like meditation, focus on every sensation. How does it taste, how does it feel etc. Be present. Thank yourself for the nutrition!
5. Some Areas of My Life I'd Like to Improve Are:
Here is a simple Practice, set your intentions. Setting goals will help us be more mindful of actually making them happen. If you want to add an artistic flare to this exercise, turn this list into a vision board. This is a super fun activity for date night, girls night or just a little self care for you!
6. Declutter Your Space
When decluttering the mind it can be helpful to have our living spaces match this energy. Get rid of all the things making energy shifts in your space, I promise you don’t need those pants that are too small on you that you keep as motivation. Focus on the now.
7. Some Thoughts and Beliefs I Repeat In My Head Constantly Are:
Good and bad, this is about bringing attention to our critical voice. Be honest with yourself. Remember NO JUDGMENT.
8. In What Ways Do I Impact Others Around Me Each Day?
Notice your value: if this is hard examine that. Start small if you can only think of two things that’s okay. Continue to revisit this exercise as you move through the practice. I like to make positivity jars for myself where I put little notes of wins I had over a whole year and read them at the end of the year. Sometimes we let the good we do go unnoticed, this time is for you.
9. Create Your Own Mandala
Mandala’s have been known for their meditative properties, they have been recognized by psychologists like Carl Jung for their therapeutic benefits. While creating your mandala again notice what maybe coming up for you.
10. What Are My Biggest Fears and How Do They Hold Me Back?
Again, full transparency here. Want to go even deeper with this exercise? Follow this question up with why do I have these fears? Where did they start?
11. How Can I Better Take Care of Myself?
SELF CARE!!! Do I even need to explain? Not only should you write what you can do for yourself here but also examine what you can do in order to start integrating these things into your day to day.
12. Dance Around in the Mirror
Spirituality states that our hips hold a ton of our trauma. Moving these parts of yourself will help you release some of those big feelings. Pay attention to whatever comes up for you. You may feel awkward or may even feel uncomfortable with seeing your body moving through the mirror. Pay attention to this, bring awareness to it. Meet it with the question why as well as some compassion.
13. Take a Rest Day
Everything needs rest, even you! It is scientifically proven that we are more productive when we rest, this helps us avoid burnout. There is an awesome book called “How to Do Nothing” by Jenny Odell that further explains this.
14. Do Some Yoga
Yoga is a wonderful practice for mindfulness, if its not your thing though do something else to get that blood pumping.This can be walking around your neighborhood or HIIT, whatever makes you feel good! Examine how your body feels before and after your workout.
15. I Feel Fulfilled and Truly Alive When:
Cultivating happiness. Abraham Hicks has a ton of videos speaking of the importance of following our happiness. Happiness is our driving force so lets bring our awareness to it.
Long Island is celebrated for its iconic white sandy beaches. But did you know we also have some excellent places for a day walk or hike?
As a Nassau resident who grew up on a brook near conservation land in northern New England, I must admit, I had my doubts about falling in love with the scenery across Long Island. But I’ll admit it – Long Island is spectacular in the summertime (I still think New Hampshire is unbeatable for autumn foliage, though, and yes you can debate with me about that one!). As time has passed, I have been happily surprised to find some great day trips across Suffolk and Nassau.
If you are willing to bundle up, consider even doing a beach stroll in the winter! Bring your binoculars. You will be rewarded with waterfowl which have come thousands of miles south from the tundra, including my personal favorite, the exquisite long-tailed duck. You may also see grey and harbor seals!
Here is a list of some of my favorite places to go hiking or walking on Long Island – as well as a few other things, such as horseback-riding!
Places to Walk or Hike in Suffolk County
Sunken Meadow State Park - Smithtown
A familiar favorite located on the Long Island Sound, Sunken Meadow is one of the more accessible parks for people with limited mobility thanks to its long, sturdy boardwalk. It features three miles of beaches, along with six miles of hiking trails. Want to horseback ride? There are bridal paths, too. There is also a golf course.
Sunken Meadow also has softball and soccer fields, along with playgrounds, making it an excellent choice for families who may want to do more than spend their entire day solely on the beach.
Are you curious about foraging? This is one of the locations where the famous forager “Wildman” Steve Brill offers classes. He will show you which plants are edible, which to avoid, and what to do if you contact with poison ivy. I have taken a Wildman class at Sunken Meadow, and it was quite informative!
Long Island Greenbelt Trail – various locations
I will admit it – I have not done the Greenbelt in its entirety. But there is no way I could skip mentioning the ultimate of the Long Island hikes.
The Greenbelt is an impressive 32 miles long, running parallel to the Connetquot and Nissequogue Rivers. The trail varies in terrain, at times being a boardwalk and then changing over to sand. It also has numerous trails with break away from the main one, allowing for this to be a hike or walk that can be experienced many times.
Blydenburgh County Park - Smithtown
Blydenburgh is another popular, family and dog-friendly destination. In addition to scenic views for walks, Blydenburg offers birding, fishing, and horseback riding. Rowboat rentals are available from mid-May to Labor Day. Finally, tent and RV sites are available for campers from April 1st through November 11th.
The six-mile walk around New Mill Pond is easy for families, and is beautiful in the autumn during peak foliage.
Blydenberg is $7.00 for Suffolk residents and $15 for non-residents.
West Hills County Park – Melville
West Hills is a historical park which reaches Jayne’s Hill, a beloved spot by Walt Whitman and near his birthplace. At 400 feet elevation, this is the highest point on Long Island; it is a 2.4 mile loop considered easy and possible to complete in about 55 minutes. Ideally, this hike is most suitable in the autumn.
Caumsett State Park – Huntington
Caumsett is a large park with various activities. It features an impressive stable and dairy complex, excellent trails for biking, paved trails to walk with a stroller, and even snowshoeing and cross-country skiing trails.
This is also a beautiful park for a walk or hiking, as the wooded areas gradually elevate to be the tops of sand dunes that then look down into the water. As you continue along the trail, you will descend at a seashell-bountiful beach.
Wertheim National Wildlife Refuge – Shirley
Wertheim is one of the few protected, undeveloped estuaries on Long Island. It offers rich biodiversity, perfect for those most interested in seeing wildlife.
Unlike most of the parks and preserves here, Wertheim is not best in the summer or early fall, but rather in late October through early April. This is the time for the most ideal wildlife-viewing, with migratory waterfowl who winter here. Come the early springtime, there will be migratory warblers and other such songbirds. However, all year, you may encounter red fox, white-tailed deer or wild turkey.
Personally, I find Wertheim to be most precious on the water. The placid waters of the Carmans River meander through cattails and reeds, offering a smooth and almost effortless paddle. You are guaranteed to see great wildlife, such as the green heron. Additionally, you may choose to stop at Indian Landing, a small beach where you can take a swim to cool down, or you can continue onto the Great South Bay.
This is my favorite place on all Long Island to launch my paddleboard or kayak. Thanks to being in a refuge, I do not have to deal with wakes or noise. It is also beautiful from the start since to get to the refuge you must go under two bridges, the first being a nesting site for tree swallows.
You can either launch from the free boat launch (although I warn you, the path is muddy and completely unmaintained) or you can use spend $10 to use the dock at Carmans River Canoe & Kayak II. I recommend the later as it is much easier.
Bayard Cutting Arboretum – Great River/Timber Point Park - Oakdale
Bayard Cutting may be the most famous of all the locations I have mentioned, thus, I will not get into detail. Simply put, Bayard Cutting is the place to go if you want to walk and see gorgeous flora – along with Planting Fields in in Oyster Bay.
While I do love Bayard Cutting (who doesn’t?), what draws me there more is not so much the arboretum itself, but rather the picturesque Connetquot River which runs alongside it. In fact, after the Carmans River, this is my other favorite waterway for kayaking and paddleboarding on Long Island.
To paddle -- Drive down to Timer Point Park in Oakdale to launch your water vessel, which you can then paddle toward Bayard Cutting if going left. You can continue beyond Bayard to the many different canals which meander through town. Once you get to around Paradise Island, I recommend you cut straight through the river toward the canal on the other side, rather than continue straight, as this will offer a much longer, quieter, and more interesting experience. Going this way, you will eventually cut through marshland which will eventually lead you out at the canal next to the Snapper Inn. From there, cut straight across the river (be cautious of boats) and you will get right back to the launch.
As an alternative route, you may also go right which will take you to the bay. There is an island where you can relax. However, I do not recommend this route unless you are experienced due to the rapid changes in water conditions and because you will be dealing with wakes caused by jet skis and powerboats.
Places to Walk or Hike in Nassau County
Trail View State Park - Woodbury
The Stillwell Woods Loop, located at Trail View State Park, is a 7-mile loop considered to be of moderate difficulty. It can be completed in around 3 hours. However, what truly sets Trail View apart from other Long Island hiking trails is that it has more range in intensity and elevation – giving it a different feel than the typical flat trails. For the avid hiker, this is one of the few trails where they can truly say “this is a hike, not a walk” and feel challenged.
The park itself skirts Bethpage State Park and Cold Spring Harbor State Park. Thus, you can spend a day (or even two!) hiking and doing other nature-based activities.
Sands Point Preserve – Port Washington
Sands Point is one of the lovelier parks in Nassau County. The Loop is a 2-mile walk that is popular for birders. There are also cliffs overlooking the water, which offers a great opportunity for photographers.
Sands Point also hosts special events, such as yoga.
The price is $4 per person or $10 per car.
Cedar Creek Park – Seaford
Cedar Creek is a 259-acre park best for families and sporting.
Cedar Creek has an excellent playground. It has been voted the best playground across all Long Island in both Long Press and on News 12. Also, a fun activity for the children includes a roller-skating rink.
There are eight handball courts, three basketball courts, and various athletic fields (please note the fields must be reserved and include a Leisure Pass, insurance and permit, and fee). Also of particular interest, there is an archery range open to the public but note you must bring your own equipment.
Additionally, there are paths suitable for walking, jogging, and biking. There are entrances from Cedar Creek to both Tobay Beach and Jones Beach. If you want to get a challenging work-out followed by crisp, relaxing water, consider doing this bike ride!
Massapequa Preserve - Massapequa
Massapequa Preserve spans across an impressive 423 acres. Some parts of the park are frequented by bikers, so do exercise caution if you want to be here for a leisurely walk. However, should you go onto one of the quieter trails, you will quickly be rewarded by various species of deciduous trees as well as some endemic birds. I myself have spotted many different birds here, ranging from various species of warblers to the occasional northern flicker, a unique-looking woodpecker. There is also a popular residential wood duck drake.
Massapequa Preserve is where I offer the majority of my forest therapy sessions. You may read more about that on this blog post: https://liemdr.com/forest-therapy/
Muttontown Preserve – Muttontown
At 550 acres, Muttontown Preserve is by far the largest nature preserve on Long Island. It offers many different ecosystems ranging from upland forests to woodlands to waterways, offering a spectacular opportunity to see different birds, including characteristic species such as the chestnut-sided warbler, indigo bunting, Baltimore oriole, and American woodcock. If you are lucky, you may also spot a great-horned owl or screech owl.
Preparation for Walks and Hikes
Personally, I do not think you will need top-notch gear for almost any Long Island trail… or even gear at all. Disclaimer - I am quite a hiker – I have summited Black Elk Peak in South Dakota, scrambled waterfalls in the Rocky Mountains, traversed the rock fields of Mount Washington, and even backpacked the Alaskan tundra. That said, I do have some impressive gear which has been needed.
But here on Long Island? To be honest, I leave most of my gear at home! For my adventures here, I am fine with a water bottle with a shoulder strap, along with an ultralight daypack. I also pack the following essentials: sunscreen, bug spray, first aid kit, a protein-packed snack, birding binoculars, and my homemade jewelweed salve (for contact with poison ivy). Sometimes I will bring a plant or bird ID guide.
I do recommend appropriate footwear, but hiking boots are overkill unless you need the ankle support. I have a pair of Teva’s which I wore for many years before eventually retiring them. I then bought a pair from LLBean which cost considerably less but seem to be just as durable.
In addition, dress in layers and make sure you have a light raincoat available just in case. Do not wear cotton.
Important Links for Further Information
Camping in Suffolk County
https://www.suffolkcountyny.gov/Departments/Parks/Things-To-Do/Camping/Annual-Group-Lottery
Kayaking, Paddleboarding, and Canoeing in Suffolk County
https://www.suffolkcountyny.gov/Departments/Parks/Things-To-Do/Canoeing-and-Kayaking
Horseback-Riding Sites in Suffolk with a Suffolk Green Card and Riding Permit
https://www.suffolkcountyny.gov/Departments/Parks/Things-To-Do/Horseback-Riding
About the author, Valerie Smith, LMSW
Valerie Smith, LMSW, CFTG, is a therapist, social worker, and certified forest therapy guide at Long Island EMDR under the supervision of our clinical director, Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW. Valerie possesses a bachelor and master's degree in social work from Adelphi University and Fordham University, both from which she graduated summa cum laude. Valerie is also a certified forest therapy guide through the Association of Nature and Forest Therapy (ANFT), where she trained in the Rocky Mountains to master sensory-based, mindful activities through a biophilic perspective. Valerie is passionate about the health benefits of a plant-based diet as well as holistic wellness. Valerie is trained in EMDR and TF-CBT, with experience in DBT-informed skills. She focuses her treatment on adolescent girls and young women with C-PTSD and PTSD. Additionally, she helps people with life-threatening disease and their caregivers. Finally, she works alongside those experiencing grief and bereavement, especially young adults who lost one or both of their parents/guardians.
When someone survives a traumatic event, it can be beneficial to have both personal and professional support through recovery. Leaning on personal supports can be just as important as speaking with a therapist, but as a friend or family member looking to provide support, it can be difficult to find the right words to say. These conversations can be uncomfortable and difficult to navigate, but it’s important to choose your words wisely as to not further harm or re-traumatize the survivor.
In this blog post, I list a number of phrases you should avoid when speaking with trauma survivors, as well as a few things you can say in order to best support your loved one. Let’s start with the former.
What Not to Say to a Person with Trauma
“Why didn’t you say anything at that time?”
It’s incredibly common for survivors of trauma not to disclose what they’ve been through right away. Sometimes it takes years to work up the courage and speak with someone about it. Sometimes people don’t have any memories of their trauma, and sometimes these memories come back way later on in life.
It can also be very painful to talk about past trauma, especially when it feels like no one else can possibly understand what you’re going through. If a loved one has opened up about past trauma, don’t question why it took them as long as it did to speak up. Simply be grateful they feel comfortable enough to talk to you now, and try to support them as best as you can.
“I know what you’re going through”
Chances are, no you don’t! Unless you went through the exact same trauma, and have the same physical and emotional responses to trauma as your loved one, you do not know what they’re going through. Everyone responds to trauma differently, and comments like this tend to come across as minimizing the effects of the trauma. For the survivor, this trauma is theirs, and while it may not be something they are proud of, they are most likely working on owning their experience and their emotions. It’s important not to take that away from them.
“Let it go” or “Get over it”
Unfortunately, these are words that many survivors have heard from someone they’re close with. It is common for survivors of trauma to be diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, and because PTSD is an invisible wound, it is often misunderstood as something that is being exaggerated. Just because you cannot see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
There is no ‘just get over it’ with trauma. Survivors do not choose to have these symptoms, and symptoms can be intrusive and incredibly debilitating. By saying things like ‘let it go’ or ‘get over it,’ you’re telling them that their feelings are too much, too dramatic, and taking too long to resolve. Each healing journey is unique, and you have no way of knowing how much work someone has already put in to get to where they are now.
“Did that really happen?”
It is common for survivors of trauma to experience shame and guilt throughout the healing process. Many people blame themselves for what happened even if it may seem clear to you who is actually to blame in the situation. By questioning if it really happened, you’re validating and reinforcing any self-doubts the survivor has experienced over the years. This will ultimately slow the healing process, and maybe even cause your loved one to regress on their healing journey.
“It could have been worse”
This is another comment that minimizes the effects of the trauma and sends the message that the person is overreacting. What is traumatizing for one person may not be for someone else, and that is okay. Each person responds to trauma differently, but there’s absolutely no sense in comparing one trauma to another. Any survivor is hurting and trying to heal. It does not matter whose trauma was ‘worse.’ It can trigger feelings like shame and guilt, and really hinder the survivors healing journey.
“You should do/try _______”
As a loved one, the most important role you can play is being there for support, not giving advice on how to heal. Even if you’ve gone through something similar and feel like you understand, there’s no guarantee that what worked for you will work for them. And if they end up taking the advice you give but it doesn’t work out as they hoped, this can really hinder the healing process, and may even impact your relationship with your loved one.
What Can You Say Instead?
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Oftentimes with trauma, survivors lose a sense of being in control when they went through that situation. If they feel forced to talk about it with loved ones, it can be triggering and bring up all of those old feelings of not being in control. Asking this question gives the survivor a chance to decide what they would like to do. Maybe they’re not feeling up to talking about it right now, and that’s okay. Giving them a sense of control in regards to this topic can be really helpful for their healing process.
“I hear you”
One of the most difficult parts of the healing journey is feeling like you’re going through this alone. Sometimes being there with a listening ear is the best support you can provide your loved ones. Try practicing Active Listening. Active Listening means making a conscious effort to hear, understand, and retain the information being relayed to you. It does not always mean you have a response or advice to give. Instead, pay attention, show that you’re listening with feedback, and ask questions if there’s something you don’t fully understand. Simply saying, “I hear you” can mean the world.
Are you a trauma survivor, or looking to better support a loved one struggling through their recovery? We can help. Give our office a call at (631) 503-1539.
About the Author, Jennifer Tietjen, LMSW
Jennifer Tietjen is a Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW) at Long Island EMDR and is currently receiving supervision towards her clinical license under Kristy Casper, LCSW. She helps clients by providing the support, acceptance, and empathy they need as they face challenging life experiences. Jenn is passionate about helping clients overcome past trauma and make positive change in their lives. She is trained in EMDR therapy and is currently focusing her future training and experience on women’s issues. This includes maternal health concerns such as antepartum and postpartum depression and anxiety, and reproductive health issues including infertility.