This voice is commonly known in psychology as the “inner critic.” Freud called it the “superego,” scientists call it “survivor brain,” and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy refers to it as “automatic negative thoughts.” Whatever you call it, much of this internal dialogue arises from messages that were given to us starting in childhood by family, teachers, friends, and society. Over time, due to our own insecurities, challenges, and negative life experiences, this voice gets louder, stronger, and more persuasive. It becomes harder and harder to identify what is reality, and what is the inner critic attempting to sabotage our emotional wellbeing. 

This sounds grim, but there is good news. You don’t have to believe everything you think. Let me say that again-YOU DON’T HAVE TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK. Humans have an average of 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts a day, 80% of which are negative. This negativity over time can lead to sadness, helplessness, agitation, fear, worry, and hopelessness. They say, “Change your thoughts, change your life.” But how do we do that, especially when this inner critic has become so strong and powerful over time?

The simple answer? It’s a process. It will take mindfulness, vigilance, and consistency to change the pervasive negative thought patterns of the inner critic. However, the inner peace, freedom, confidence, and happiness that result from doing so are beyond measure. Here are some tools to get you started on gaining freedom from your inner critic:

1. Peacefully Observe Your Inner Critic

2. Investigate Your Inner Critic

The inner critic often exaggerates the negative in an attempted to keep you trapped in fear and hopelessness. Take some time to investigate what the inner critic is saying. For example, “You are a horrible parent.” Ask yourself, “Are my children alive? Are they fed/clothed/bathed? Am I doing the best I can?” Chances are, your inner critic is lying to you, taking one negative event combined with your own insecurities and stating the worst. Try asking yourself some general investigative questions, such as “Is this thought helpful? Is this thought true? What might my family and friends say about this thought? Am I blaming myself unnecessarily? What does the evidence in my life say about this thought?” This will help to expose the inner critic for what it really is-an irrational, illogical, and deceptive bully. 

3. Meditate

Regular meditation practice allows you to become painfully aware of the endless chatter of the mind. As stated earlier, 80% of our thoughts are negative. Regular meditation practice will help you to gain experience in becoming mindful of your thoughts, detaching emotionally from these thoughts, and gaining the ability to pick and choose which thoughts you wish to engage with. Meditation is counterintuitive, so start small and keep your expectations low. The goal of meditation is not to be absent of thoughts. It is meant to help you gain clarity in how the mind works, and to avoid getting swept up and emotionally invested with your thoughts. 

4. Practice Self-Care

Sometimes it can be beneficial to “act as if” we love ourselves, and our thoughts will catch up with our actions over time. The inner critic is often developed through receiving messages that you are not good enough and don’t matter. By engaging in regular self-care activities, you are sending another more truthful message to your inner critic-that you are worthy of love and respect. Self-care comes in a variety of forms, such as setting limits with others, having realistic expectations, repeating positive affirmations, journaling, exercise, eating healthy, drinking water, getting a massage, reaching out for help, dancing, singing, and resting. Find out what gives you that warm and fuzzy feeling and run with it. Send the message to your inner critic that you are not believing it’s lies anymore by treating yourself with kindness and compassion.   

Battling your inner critic is not an easy task, but it is worth the fight. Remember, despite your past, challenges, and struggles, you deserve happiness. Don’t let anyone or anything tell you otherwise. 

– Alexandria (Alex) Fairchild, LCSW

Panic attacks can be a debilitating and frightening experience for those who suffer from them. For individuals with PTSD, panic attacks can be even more intense and overwhelming. Not only do they experience the intense physical and emotional symptoms of a panic attack, but they also must navigate the triggering memories and emotions associated with their trauma. In the midst of a panic attack, negative self-talk can easily take over, reinforcing feelings of fear and helplessness. However, through the use of EMDR therapy, individuals can learn to break the cycle of negative self-talk during panic attacks and find relief from the symptoms of PTSD.

Understanding Your "I Am": The Power of Internal Dialogue

Our internal dialogue, or "I Am," is a powerful force that shapes our thoughts, emotions, and actions. It's the ongoing conversation we have with ourselves, and it can either lift us up or bring us down. For individuals with panic attacks and PTSD, this internal dialogue can be especially influential in determining their overall well-being.

When we have negative self-talk during panic attacks, it reinforces our fears and amplifies our sense of helplessness. We might tell ourselves, "I can't handle this," or "I'm going to lose control." These thoughts not only intensify the physical and emotional symptoms of a panic attack but also trigger the traumatic memories associated with PTSD.

Understanding the power of our "I Am" is the first step in breaking the cycle of negative self-talk. By recognizing and challenging these negative thoughts, we can begin to shift our internal dialogue towards more positive and empowering statements. Instead of saying, "I can't handle this," we can replace it with, "I am strong and capable of overcoming this challenge."

Changing our internal dialogue takes practice and patience, but it can be a transformative process. It's important to remember that our thoughts are not facts, and we have the power to reframe them. By cultivating a more positive "I Am," individuals with panic attacks and PTSD can find relief from their symptoms and regain a sense of control over their lives.

In the next section, we will explore how negative self-talk fuels panic attacks and dive deeper into the techniques to shift our "I Am" and overcome this destructive cycle. Stay tuned!

How Negative Self-Talk Fuels Panic Attacks

Negative self-talk also triggers the traumatic memories associated with PTSD, further intensifying the distress and anxiety experienced during a panic attack. These memories can create a vicious cycle of negative thoughts, leading to a heightened sense of fear and helplessness.

Additionally, negative self-talk reinforces the belief that we are incapable of coping with anxiety and that something terrible is bound to happen. This self-defeating mindset further perpetuates the panic attack cycle and prevents individuals from seeking help or utilizing effective coping mechanisms.

Understanding how negative self-talk fuels panic attacks is essential in breaking this destructive cycle. By recognizing and challenging these negative thoughts, we can begin to shift our internal dialogue towards more positive and realistic statements. This shift in thinking helps to decrease anxiety symptoms and regain a sense of control over our thoughts and emotions.

In the next section, we will explore specific techniques that can help shift our internal dialogue and overcome negative self-talk during panic attacks. By implementing these strategies, individuals with panic attacks and PTSD can find relief and reclaim their lives from the grip of anxiety.

Techniques to Shift Your "I Am" and Overcome Negative Self-Talk

Negative self-talk can be a deeply ingrained habit, especially for individuals with panic attacks and PTSD. However, some techniques can help shift our internal dialogue and overcome this destructive cycle.

One powerful technique is reframing. Reframing involves consciously challenging and replacing negative thoughts with positive and empowering ones. For example, if you find yourself thinking, "I can't handle this," remind yourself, "I am strong and resilient. I have overcome challenges before, and I can do it again." By consistently practicing reframing, you can gradually rewire your brain to default to more positive thoughts during panic attacks.

Seeking support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and anxiety can also be immensely helpful. They can provide guidance, validation, and tools tailored to your specific needs. Consider looking for keywords like "PTSD therapy near me" or "counseling for cops/veterans with PTSD" to find professionals experienced in working with trauma.

Remember, overcoming negative self-talk takes time and practice. Be patient and kind to yourself as you navigate this journey towards healing. You deserve to feel empowered and in control of your thoughts and emotions, even during panic attacks.

Role of EMDR Therapy in Breaking the Cycle of Negative Thoughts

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy is a highly effective treatment for breaking the cycle of negative thoughts and finding relief from the symptoms of PTSD. This therapeutic approach focuses on processing traumatic memories and helping individuals reframe their internal dialogue.

One of the key benefits of EMDR therapy is that it specifically targets the negative self-talk that fuels panic attacks and exacerbates PTSD symptoms. By reprocessing traumatic memories and challenging negative beliefs, individuals can create new neural pathways and replace negative self-talk with positive and empowering thoughts.

Furthermore, EMDR therapy helps individuals regain a sense of control over their thoughts and emotions. It provides a safe space for exploring and releasing the distressing emotions and memories associated with PTSD. Through the process of EMDR therapy, individuals can develop a stronger sense of self and gain the tools necessary to overcome negative self-talk during panic attacks.

If you're feeling stuck in the cycle of negative self-talk and struggling with panic attacks or PTSD symptoms, EMDR therapy can be a transformative treatment option. It can provide the support and guidance needed to heal childhood trauma, overcome anxiety disorders, and find relief from depression. By breaking the cycle of negative thoughts, individuals can reclaim their lives and experience a greater sense of peace and well-being.

Practical Steps for Incorporating Positive Self-talk into Your Life

Incorporating positive self-talk into your life can be a powerful tool in breaking the cycle of negative thoughts and finding relief from panic attacks and the symptoms of PTSD. Here are some practical steps you can take to cultivate a more positive internal dialogue:

1. Start with self-awareness: Pay attention to your thoughts and become aware of the negative self-talk patterns that arise during panic attacks or moments of distress. Recognize the impact these thoughts have on your emotions and overall well-being.

2. Challenge negative thoughts: When negative thoughts arise, challenge them with evidence-based reasoning. Ask yourself if there is concrete evidence to support these negative beliefs or if they are based on fear and distorted thinking. Replace them with positive and empowering statements that reflect reality.

3. Practice affirmations: Affirmations are positive statements that you can repeat to yourself regularly to counteract negative self-talk. Choose affirmations that resonate with you, such as "I am strong and capable," or "I am deserving of love and happiness." Repeat them daily and whenever negative thoughts arise.

4. Surround yourself with support: Seek out a support system of trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can help reinforce positive self-talk and provide validation and encouragement during difficult times.

5. Practice self-care: Engage in activities that promote self-care and self-compassion. This could include regular exercise, meditation, journaling, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy. Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being can help foster a more positive internal dialogue.

Remember, incorporating positive self-talk takes time and practice. Be patient and kind to yourself as you work towards changing your internal dialogue. With consistency and dedication, you can break the cycle of negative self-talk and find relief from anxiety attacks, trauma, and depression.

Unfortunately, being a survivor of trauma or abuse is exceedingly common. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, one in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18 years old. Additionally, they also found that one in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives.

Being a survivor of abuse can be challenging, thankfully with some self-care in place you can begin your healing journey to a healthier you.  That journey from feeling scared, afraid, angry and/or alone to a place of peace and acceptance can be an empowering one. Regardless of whether your trauma was recent or happened years ago, a daily self-care regimen will help you cope with the trauma that still affects you today.

1. Quality Sleep

Research suggests that being able to sleep after a traumatic event can reduce intrusive trauma-related memories and make them less distressing.” In fact, Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy works a lot like REM sleep with assisting the brain to process traumatic events. Additionally, getting adequate sleep helps to improve memory, increase positive mood and decrease stress.

2. Meditate

Meditating for just five to ten minutes can have some really positive benefits including: boosting immune response, regulating stress levels, increasing focus and elevating mood. Headspace (the App) now has a program on Netflix that not only guides you through meditations but also explains why and how a particular exercise can help you.  I’ve also always been a big fan of the App Insight Timer. I find guided meditations are often easier for people to start off with and you can then work your way into solely music, nature sounds or silent meditations. For anxious folks, guided meditation can help to give you a focus point so it is not so overwhelming in the beginning. 

3. Exercise

If you like to dance, do some Zumba, if you are more of a yoga lover, go with that. For some, taking kickboxing or jiu-jitsu can help them feel more in control after an assault and better able to defend themselves. No matter what you choose remember that exercise should be an act of self-care, meaning it should be something you enjoy- not a punishment. 

4. Positive Affirmations

For many survivors there is a good-deal of shame and guilt that comes with what has happened to them. For those reasons, it is all the more important to really focus on programing yourself with positive thoughts and beliefs. For example: “I am loved,” “I am worthy,” “I am valued,” “I am strong,” “I am enough.” I often tell client’s to pick an opposite thought to their negative self-talk, so if your inner “Karen” is saying: “I am disposable”, you say to yourself: “I am worthy and deserving of love, respect and affection”.

This process of changing that inner voice takes time and truly is a practice so be gentle with yourself. You will have days where it works great and other days where you cannot seem to get “Karen” to stop talking. It’s okay, just take it one step, one moment at a time. 

5. Support

Often times survivors feel alone and like no one can or will understand how they feel, or that they will be judged for what happened to them. However, as said in the beginning abuse is more common than we would like to believe in this country. Sharing your struggles with people who understand and care about you and your well-being is an important aspect of your healing journey. If you are a sexual abuse survivor and need some words of advise from others who have been through it but are not ready to take that step of opening up just yet, I highly recommend Dear Sister by Lisa Factora-Borchers and Aishah Shahidah Simmons - a book of letters from survivors of sexual abuse to other survivors. 

Are you a survivor of trauma or abuse? A licensed mental health professional can help you so you don’t have to go through this alone. Give our office a call today so we can set up a time to talk.

Keep Shining,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW 

Have you ever wondered how childhood trauma impacts adolescents or adults? Do you find yourself asking yourself how much your childhood has a impact on your relationships today? Childhood experiences, both positive and negative, have major impact on our emotional development and how we continue to interact in the relationships around us. 

Childhood is where our attachment styles are developed and our parents are our primary attachment figures. The way they respond to us in childhood shapes our worldview, or perception of the world, and how we expect others to respond, relate and interact with us. This is the foundation of whether or not a child will feel the world is safe and whether or not those around them will accept them.

Erikson called this our view of “trust or mistrust”. Is it a safe place to venture out and take emotional risks? Are all people generally good or are they out to hurt us and therefore untrustworthy? Can we trust others to support us in times of emotional need or crisis or do I need to rely on myself?

Complex trauma refers to the prolonged exposure to a stressful event, or repeated traumatic events layered on top of another. This would include children, who have grown up in physically, sexually, and/or emotionally absent or abusive households, as well as children who grew up in unsafe communities, an incarnated parent or a parent with mental health or substance use concerns.

How Childhood Trauma Continues to Effect us into Adulthood

The following are the four basic attachment styles. Please keep in mind that these descriptions are very general; not everyone will have all these characteristics. Attachment styles are relatively fluid and can be ever-changing depending on your partner’s own attachment style and the adaptations you make as you grow and learn.

Secure Attachment in Adults

These individuals usually grew up in a supportive environment where parents consistently responded to their needs. Securely attached individuals feel comfortable in their own skin, easily share feelings with partners and friends and seek out social support. These individuals have a generally positive outlook on life and seek physical and/or emotional intimacy with minimal fear of being rejected or overwhelmed.

Securely attached individuals, much like their parents were to them, are generally consistent and reliable in their behaviors toward their partner. They also tend to include their partner in decisions that could affect their relationship or life goals. 

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment in Adults

Children develop this attachment style when their primary caregivers are not emotionally responsive or are rejecting of their needs.

Children learn to pull away emotionally and be overly self-reliant, as means to avoid feelings of rejection. As adults, they become uncomfortable with emotional openness and downplay the importance of relationships.

These adults tend to place a high priority on their own independence from others and tend to be extremely self-reliant. They develop techniques to reduce feelings of being overwhelmed and defend themselves from perceived threats to their “independence.”

These techniques include, shutting down, sending mixed messages, and avoiding. These coping techniques end up becoming detrimental to their adult relationships.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment in Adults

Children who have developed this style of attachment may have been exposed to prolonged abuse and/or neglect. Their primary caregivers are a source of hurt, rather than fulfilling their vital role of providing support and comfort. 

As adults they see the value in having close relationships but due to the abuse they received have a difficult time trusting others. Due to this distrust, they avoid being emotionally vulnerable with others and have difficulty clearly expressing their wants and needs, as they fear it will lead to more hurt and rejection.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment in Adults:

Children with anxious-preoccupied attachment had caregivers who did not consistently meet their needs, as in their responses to the child were not consistent or predictable. Their parents were nurturing, caring and attentive at times but this was alternated with cold, rejecting or emotionally detached behaviors. 

This alternation between love and rejection makes it difficult for a child to know what to expect from day to day. These children then grow up to be adults who require a lot of connection, closeness and attention within their relationships, sometimes to the point of being “clingy.”

Individuals who have this attachment style may need more validation and approval from loved ones than the other attachment styles.

Neurobiology of Attachment and Childhood Trauma

As products of our own environments, adults will often find themselves repeating the same behaviors witnessed and experienced in childhood. This is because the neural pathways developed from childhood traumatic experiences shape keep us stuck in these unhealthy patterns and ways of relating.

To say all of this is not meant to place blame on caregivers for the types of relationships formed in your adult life. However, increasing awareness of your own attachment style can help you take those first steps towards recognizing patterns and improving your relationships as an adult. With newfound awareness you can move to form securely attached relationships with your partner and with your own children. 

Processing those difficult childhood memories of abuse and neglect can help you to make new neural connections with more adaptive experiences in your life and thus alter that inner-voice that keeps your stuck in poor patterns of behavior. 

Where to go From Here?

At Long Island EMDR, we understand how complex childhood trauma affects you as an adult, which is why we specialize in EMDR and trauma-focused therapies. We are here to help guide and support you through your journey of processing past hurts and forming healthier connections.

Keep Shining,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW 

Parenting is a challenging journey on its own, but it can become even more difficult when the parent has ADHD. The constant struggle to stay organized, focused, and on top of responsibilities can take a toll on both the parent and their child. However, there is hope. EMDR therapy, a unique and effective form of therapy, has shown promising results in helping parents with ADHD better manage their symptoms and become more confident and capable in their role as a parent. In this blog post, we will explore the struggles of parenting with ADHD and how EMDR therapy can be a valuable tool in navigating this challenge.

Understanding ADHD in Parents

Parenting is a challenging journey that requires patience, focus, and organization. But what happens when the parent themselves has ADHD? Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD, is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects both children and adults. It is characterized by difficulties in maintaining attention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. When a parent has ADHD, it can add an extra layer of complexity to the already demanding role of being a caregiver.

Additionally, ADHD can also impact a parent's ability to provide structure and consistency for their child. The lack of organization and planning can lead to inconsistency in parenting styles, which can be confusing for the child and create additional challenges in their development.

It's important to recognize that ADHD is a real and valid condition that requires understanding and support. By acknowledging and addressing the specific challenges that parents with ADHD face, we can begin to develop strategies and interventions that can help alleviate some of the burdens they face. In the next section, we will explore the struggles of parenting with ADHD in more detail, shedding light on the daily obstacles that parents with ADHD must overcome.

Struggles of Parenting with ADHD

Parenting is already a challenging task, but when a parent has ADHD, it can become even more overwhelming. The daily struggles of managing ADHD symptoms while also trying to meet the needs of your child can take a toll on both the parent and the child.

One of the main struggles for parents with ADHD is the difficulty in staying organized and focused. Simple tasks that seem easy for others can feel insurmountable for someone with ADHD. Time management becomes a constant battle, and feelings of frustration and guilt can easily arise. Juggling multiple responsibilities can be incredibly challenging, leaving parents feeling on edge and not good enough.

ADHD can also affect a parent's ability to provide structure and consistency for their child. The lack of organization and planning can lead to inconsistency in parenting styles, which can be confusing and unsettling for the child. This can create additional challenges in their development and may cause the child to struggle with routine and expectations.

Furthermore, the impulsivity that often accompanies ADHD can also be a struggle for parents. Impulsive reactions and decision-making can lead to unintended consequences and can make it difficult to maintain a calm and controlled environment for the child.

Overall, parenting with ADHD is a daily battle. However, it's important to remember that you are not alone. There are strategies and interventions available to help parents with ADHD navigate these challenges and become more confident and capable caregivers. In the next sections, we will explore the benefits of EMDR therapy, how it works, and finding a therapist to guide you through this unique form of therapy.

Benefits of EMDR Therapy for Parents with ADHD

EMDR therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, has shown promising benefits for parents with ADHD. This unique form of therapy can help alleviate the struggles that come with parenting while managing ADHD symptoms. Here are some of the benefits of EMDR therapy for parents with ADHD:

1. Reduction of ADHD symptoms: EMDR therapy has been found to be effective in reducing the symptoms of ADHD, such as difficulties with attention, focus, and impulsivity. Through targeted eye movements or other forms of bilateral stimulation, EMDR therapy helps reprocess traumatic memories and negative beliefs that may contribute to ADHD symptoms.

2. Improved executive functioning: EMDR therapy can enhance executive functioning skills, such as organization, planning, and time management. By addressing underlying emotional issues and working through past traumas, parents can develop new coping strategies and improve their ability to stay organized and focused.

5. Long-lasting results: EMDR therapy has been found to have long-lasting effects. Many parents report continued improvements in their ADHD symptoms and parenting abilities even after therapy has ended. This means that the benefits of EMDR therapy can extend beyond the therapy sessions and have a positive impact on parenting in the long term.

How EMDR Therapy Works

EMDR therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is a unique and effective form of therapy that has shown promising results in helping parents with ADHD. But how exactly does EMDR therapy work?

EMDR therapy is based on the understanding that traumatic or distressing experiences can get stuck in our brains, causing negative beliefs and emotional distress. These unresolved experiences can contribute to ADHD symptoms and difficulties in parenting. EMDR therapy works by targeting and reprocessing these traumatic memories, allowing the brain to process them more healthily.

During an EMDR therapy session, the therapist will guide the parent through a series of eye movements or other forms of bilateral stimulation. This bilateral stimulation helps stimulate the brain's natural ability to heal and reprocess traumatic memories. As the parent follows the therapist's hand movements or listens to sounds alternating in each ear, the brain's attention is split, allowing the distressing memories to be processed more effectively.

As the parent reprocesses these traumatic memories, they can experience a reduction in ADHD symptoms and an improvement in executive functioning. Negative beliefs about themselves as parents can be challenged and replaced with more positive and empowering beliefs. This leads to improved self-confidence and a stronger parent-child relationship.

EMDR therapy is a collaborative process, with the therapist providing a safe and supportive environment for the parent to explore their experiences and emotions. Each session builds on the progress made in the previous session, allowing for a gradual healing process.

Finding a Therapist for EMDR Therapy

1. Research online: Begin by searching online directories and therapist listings in your area. Look for therapists who specialize in EMDR therapy, have experience working with individuals with ADHD, and possess relevant credentials and experience. Read any reviews or testimonials from previous clients. The EMDR International Association website is a good start!

2. Seek recommendations: Reach out to your personal network for recommendations. Ask friends, family members, or support groups who have undergone EMDR therapy or know someone who has for their experiences. This can provide valuable insights and help you find a therapist who suits your needs.

3. Consult with professionals: Consider seeking recommendations from mental health professionals, such as psychologists or psychiatrists, who specialize in ADHD or trauma. They may be familiar with therapists who utilize EMDR therapy and can provide referrals.

4. Take advantage of consultation sessions: Many therapists offer free consultation sessions or phone calls to discuss their approach and answer any questions you may have. This can give you a better sense of the therapist and whether they are a good fit for you.

5. Trust your instincts: It is important to trust your instincts when choosing a therapist. Find someone you feel comfortable with and can build a strong therapeutic relationship with. Don't be afraid to ask questions and voice any concerns you may have during the consultation process.

Remember that finding the right therapist is a personal and individual process. Take your time, do your research, and trust that you will find the right therapist who can support you in managing your ADHD symptoms through EMDR therapy.

Other Resources and Coping Strategies for Parenting with ADHD

Parenting with ADHD can be a daily battle, but there are resources and coping strategies that can help alleviate some of the challenges and help you feel better connected with your family. Here are a few additional resources and strategies to consider:

3. Time management tools: Utilize tools and apps that can help with time management and organization. There are various apps available that can assist with setting reminders, creating schedules, and breaking tasks into manageable chunks. Experiment with different tools to find the ones that work best for you and your family.

4. Prioritize self-care: Taking care of yourself is essential when parenting with ADHD. Make time for self-care activities, such as exercise, meditation, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy. Remember, when you prioritize your well-being, you are better able to show up for your child.

5. Seek professional help: In addition to EMDR therapy, consider other therapeutic interventions that may benefit parents with ADHD. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and medication management can also be effective treatments for managing ADHD symptoms. Consult with a mental health professional who specializes in ADHD to explore the best treatment options for you.

Remember, managing ADHD as a parent is an ongoing journey. It's essential to be patient with yourself, practice self-compassion, and celebrate your successes along the way. With the right resources and coping strategies, you can navigate the challenges of parenting with ADHD and thrive in your role as a loving and capable caregiver.

Intro

Have you ever experienced a persistent feeling of inadequacy no matter what you do? Or maybe it seems like your own negative self-talk is a constant battle. Negative core beliefs can be challenging to unravel, but understanding and addressing them is an important step in your journey to mental health. In this blog post, we’ll explore how to tackle negative core beliefs in therapy, and how to start unraveling the knots of self-doubt and fear. 

Understanding Negative Core Beliefs

They shape our perception of ourselves and the world around us, leading to a cycle of negative self-talk and self-doubt. Understanding negative core beliefs is crucial because it allows us to recognize and challenge these deeply ingrained beliefs, empowering us to break free from their hold. By unraveling the origins and impact of these beliefs, we can begin to reframe our thoughts and develop a healthier, more positive self-image.

Identifying Your Own Negative Core Beliefs

Many of us have negative core beliefs, but identifying them can be a daunting task. It requires introspection and a willingness to dig deep into our past experiences and emotions. One way to start identifying your negative core beliefs is by paying attention to your inner dialogue. What negative thoughts consistently arise? Do you often doubt your abilities or feel unworthy of love and success? Another helpful strategy is to reflect on past traumatic events or negative experiences that may have shaped your beliefs about yourself. By identifying and acknowledging these negative core beliefs, you can begin the process of unraveling them and taking steps towards healing and growth.

How Negative Core Beliefs Affect Our Lives

Negative core beliefs have a profound impact on our lives. They influence how we view ourselves, how we interact with others, and how we navigate the world around us. These beliefs can manifest as self-doubt, fear, and feelings of unworthiness. They can hold us back from reaching our full potential and hinder our personal growth. Negative core beliefs can affect our relationships, our career choices, and our overall mental well-being. By recognizing the ways in which these beliefs are affecting our lives, we can begin to challenge and change them. It's time to break free from the constraints of negative core beliefs and live a life of empowerment and self-acceptance.

Challenging Negative Core Beliefs in Therapy

Through various therapeutic techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), you can learn to challenge the negative thoughts and beliefs that hold you back. Therapy provides a safe and supportive space to explore and challenge these beliefs, helping you to develop new, healthier perspectives about yourself and the world. With the guidance of a therapist, you can begin to replace self-doubt and fear with self-acceptance and empowerment.

Evidence-Based Therapies for Resolving Negative Core Beliefs

When it comes to resolving negative core beliefs, there are several evidence-based therapies that can be highly effective. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is one such therapy that focuses on identifying and challenging negative thoughts and beliefs. Through CBT, you can learn to replace self-defeating thoughts with more positive and realistic ones. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is another powerful therapy that combines elements of mindfulness, acceptance, and behavior change. DBT can help you develop skills to manage intense emotions and build healthier relationships. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is yet another therapy that can be particularly beneficial for trauma survivors, helping to process traumatic memories and change negative beliefs. Seeking out therapy that is rooted in evidence-based approaches can provide you with the tools and support you need to unravel those knots of negative core beliefs and find healing and growth.

The Importance of a Support System

They can offer a fresh perspective, help you see your own worth, and remind you of your strengths when self-doubt creeps in. A support system can also provide a safe space to vent, share your experiences, and seek guidance. Whether it's friends, family, or a therapist, don't underestimate the power of having people who believe in you and support your growth. Remember, you don't have to face these challenges alone.

Tools for Managing Negative Thoughts and Behaviors

When it comes to managing negative thoughts and behaviors, having the right tools in your toolkit can make all the difference. One effective tool is mindfulness, which involves being present in the moment and observing your thoughts without judgment. This can help you detach from negative thoughts and create space for more positive ones. Another helpful tool is journaling, where you can write down your negative thoughts and then challenge them with more rational and compassionate ones. Additionally, practicing self-care activities such as exercise, meditation, or engaging in hobbies can help distract from negative thoughts and promote a sense of well-being. Remember, these tools are meant to be personalized to your needs, so feel free to experiment and find what works best for you.

Taking Control of Your Own Life

Now that you have begun to understand and challenge your negative core beliefs, it's time to take control of your own life. This is the moment where you step into your power and start making choices that align with your true self-worth and potential. It may not be an easy journey, but remember that you are strong and capable of overcoming any obstacle. Surround yourself with people who believe in you, continue practicing self-care and mindfulness, and trust in the progress you have made. You have the power to create the life you deserve, filled with empowerment, self-acceptance, and growth.

Are you considering therapy near you, but not sure what approach to take? If so, you're not alone. Many people are interested in investing in themselves by seeking therapy, but may not know the difference between top-down and bottom-up approaches. Understanding these differences can make a huge impact in how effective your therapy is, so it's important to do your research. In this blog post, we'll discuss the difference between top-down and bottom-up approaches in therapy, as well as the magic in bottom up approaches.

Understanding Top-Down Approach to Therapy

When it comes to therapy, there are various approaches that therapists can take to help their clients navigate through their challenges. One such approach is the top-down approach. This approach focuses on addressing thoughts and behavior as the primary factors influencing an individual's well-being.

In a top-down approach to therapy, therapists often start by exploring their clients' thoughts and beliefs. They help clients identify any negative or irrational thinking patterns that may be contributing to their struggles. By challenging these thoughts and helping clients develop more positive and realistic thinking, therapists aim to bring about lasting change in their clients' behavior and emotions.

This approach emphasizes the importance of cognitive restructuring and cognitive-behavioral techniques to promote change. Therapists may use interventions such as cognitive reframing, thought-stopping, or problem-solving skills training to help their clients gain insight into their thought processes and make healthier choices.

While the top-down approach can be effective for some individuals, it may not be suitable for everyone. Some clients may benefit more from a bottom-up approach, which focuses on the mind-body connection. This approach recognizes that our bodies can store unresolved trauma and emotional experiences, leading to various psychological and physical symptoms.

If you are looking for therapy near me, it is important to consider which approach aligns best with your needs and preferences. Remember that therapy is a personal journey, and finding the right fit with a therapist who utilizes an approach that resonates with you is crucial for effective treatment. Whether you opt for a top-down or bottom-up approach, therapy can provide you with the support and tools you need to navigate life's challenges and achieve a sense of well-being.

Contrasting Thoughts and Behavior vs. Mind-Body Connection

When it comes to therapy, there are two primary approaches that therapists often employ: focusing on thoughts and behavior or exploring the mind-body connection. Both approaches have their merits and can be effective depending on the individual and their unique circumstances.

The traditional top-down approach to therapy emphasizes the importance of thoughts and behavior in influencing one's emotions and well-being. Therapists using this approach may help clients identify negative thought patterns, challenge distorted thinking, and develop more adaptive behaviors. This approach can be highly effective in helping individuals gain insight into their thoughts and behaviors and make positive changes.

On the other hand, the bottom-up approach to therapy emphasizes the mind-body connection and the importance of addressing physical sensations, emotions, and bodily experiences. This approach recognizes that emotions and traumatic experiences are stored not only in our minds but also in our bodies. Therapists using this approach may incorporate techniques such as body-focused therapies, somatic experiencing, or mindfulness practices to help clients become more attuned to their bodily sensations and work through past trauma.

Both approaches have their place in therapy, and the choice of approach often depends on the individual's needs and preferences. Some individuals may benefit from a more cognitive-focused approach, while others may find that exploring the mind-body connection brings about deeper healing. It's essential to find a therapist who offers both approaches and who is invested in understanding and supporting your unique healing journey.

If you're considering therapy and wondering, "Is there therapy near me that offers both top-down and bottom-up approaches?" it's important to do your research. Finding a therapist who is experienced in both approaches and has a genuine investment in yourself can greatly enhance your therapy experience. Remember, therapy is an investment in yourself, and finding the right therapist is crucial for your healing journey.

The Magic in Bottom-Up Approaches

When it comes to therapy, there is something truly magical about bottom-up approaches. These methods recognize the undeniable connection between our minds and bodies and use it to facilitate healing and growth.

One such approach is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), which has gained significant recognition for its effectiveness in treating trauma and anxiety. EMDR works by targeting the underlying emotional distress associated with traumatic experiences and reducing the intensity of triggering responses. This therapy encourages individuals to engage in bilateral stimulation, such as eye movements or tapping, while simultaneously recalling distressing memories. Through this process, the brain is rewired, allowing for adaptive resolution of traumatic events.

Research has shown that EMDR can result in a decrease in responsiveness to triggers, reducing symptoms associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This bottom-up approach emphasizes the importance of engaging the body's natural ability to heal and reprocess traumatic memories.

Investing in yourself through therapy can be a life-changing decision, and finding the right therapy near you is crucial for your well-being. Bottom-up approaches, like EMDR, offer a unique and effective way to address underlying emotional distress. By focusing on the mind-body connection and targeting the root causes of distress, these approaches bring about lasting change and growth.

If you are struggling with trauma, anxiety, or any other mental health issue, consider exploring bottom-up approaches like EMDR. The magic lies in the ability to tap into your body's innate healing capabilities and find true relief from distress. Remember, therapy is an investment in yourself, and the right therapy near you can lead you on a transformative journey towards healing and well-being.

Why invest in a specialist?

Investing in a specialist for your therapy needs can make a significant difference in your overall well-being and long-term success. Research consistently shows that specialized care leads to better outcomes compared to generalist approaches. 

Why settle for a therapist who may have a broad understanding of various issues, when you can see someone who specializes in your specific concern? Whether it's sexual abuse, postpartum struggles, imposter syndrome, people pleasing, or childhood trauma, seeking out a specialist ensures that you receive targeted and effective treatment.

The impact of specialized care extends beyond your mental health. It can enhance your overall functioning as an employee, improve your earning potential, strengthen your relationships as a friend, parent, and spouse. By addressing your specific issues through specialized therapy, you can experience transformative healing and personal growth.

Another crucial consideration is the time factor. Why wait to feel better and begin your journey to true healing? By seeing a specialist, you can get results more quickly, allowing you to start feeling better and living a fulfilling life sooner.

Finding a specialized therapist is easier than ever with the help of technology. Simply search "therapy near me" online, and you will be connected to a wide range of professionals who specialize in your specific concern.

Investing in yourself through specialized therapy is a decision that can change your life. Don't settle for a generic approach when you can receive personalized and impactful care from a specialist who truly understands your unique needs. If you're ready to accelerate your healing and begin living the life you deserve to have give our office a call today.

Sending Love & light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

What is urge-surfing?

We have all been there in one way or another. We feel overwhelmed by an intense emotion and want to break down or explode. Maybe we feel engulfed by an oncoming panic attack. Or perhaps we want to smoke a cigarette or vape pen, or try to calm down with some weed and alcohol. Whatever the reason and the resulting behavior, all these examples and more are driven by intense emotions that feed into a lack of impulse control and the need to give in to urges.

I get it. It can feel exhausting and challenging not to just give in. For instance, when we feel stressed, we may have the urge to eat right out of the Ben & Jerry’s carton or to pour a glass of wine. We may feel the urge to say something cruel to someone or to yell at them. Maybe we get cut off in traffic and want to pursue the driver. We may want to even hurt ourselves.

Our urges and impulses have reasons behind them, but these reasons are not justifications to act on them. It is our responsibility to ourselves to learn how to effectively, healthfully cope.

One way to learn to control impulses and urges is called urge-surfing, a distress tolerance skill from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Simply put, urge-surfing is about “riding the wave” of an urge by controlling your impulse control. It is a mental trick. We are conditioned to think that the longer we resist the urge the more powerful it seems to become, much like a wave builds up to the crest before breaking down into the trough. However, if you surrender yourself to an urge, it trains our brains to think that the surrender is the one and only way to grant us psychological relief. This is not true. While an urge can feel like it is long-lasting and is getting stronger, the truth is that most pass within five to ten minutes. Just like a wave, it will dissipate.

Yes, I know, this is easier said than done. I fully admit trying to stop an urge can sound hard, maybe even impossible. If you have ever dared yourself to swim directly against a wave in the ocean, you know full well it can suck all the energy out of you. You may even fear getting caught in the undertow and swept out to sea. However, if you swim along the side of the wave, you can safely avoid much of its strength which in turn will let it break down with less force. Thus, applying the wave metaphor to our emotions makes sense.

How do I urge-surf?

The urge-surfing process is customizable. Play around with it until you find a pattern that works best for you! However, in general, it goes in the following sequence:

1. Stop. Take a breath in. Notice and acknowledge you are having an urge.

2. Pay attention to the emotions and thoughts you are experiencing, while picking up cues from the situation too. There is no need to try to change, drown out, or avoid them. It may all feel very unpleasant, even uncomfortable, but that is to be expected.

3. Tell yourself the following mantas. Some can be changed to your specific issues:
- “It is okay and normal to feel discomfort.”
- “It is not weird or wrong to have urges. All people have them. They come from having desires, wants, habits and addictions.”
- “An urge is a want, not a need. I need food. I do not need it to be a slice of chocolate cake.”
- “I can still have the chocolate cake, but I can save it for later. It does not need to be right now.”
- “To have an urge is out of my control. What is in my control is deciding not to act on it!”
- “All urges are short-lived and temporary. They will pass. I can get through them.”

Urge-surfing can also be helpful in preventing anxious feelings from evolving into panic attacks. You may try a mantra such as, “a panic attack can be scary, but I can recognize it before it hits its peak. I can do something like deep breathing to avoid it from becoming a full-blown panic attack.”

Above all, remember… you are in control. It is true you cannot prevent an urge from arising, but you do have the power to not act on the urge.

How urge-surfing helps with nicotine withdrawal

Urge-surfing is something I frequently teach to clients who are trying to quit smoking/vaping. I do this through two parts.

First, I educate my clients that nicotine withdrawal reaches its peak at around 72 hours or 3 days. If we figure the average person sleeps for 8.5 hours, that comes out to 25.5 hours the urge to smoke/vape is eliminated. Now add in other factors that can prevent the behavior. If you have a typical 8-hour workday, that is 24 more hours you cannot smoke (I did not add in breaks because this varies by state laws and businesses). Those two activities alone come out to 49.5 hours you cannot smoke/vape, so you only need to figure out solutions to the remaining 22.5 hours! You can then plug in other additional activities that can prevent you from being able to smoke/vape, such as time for hobbies and interests, meals, social situations where it is unacceptable (i.e., restaurants, watching your child play soccer, etc.).

Second, I tell my clients that as a further motivational tool to keep them from giving into the urge, they can replace their “smoke times” with other tasks that provide distraction. In your case, think about how long it takes for you to smoke or vape. This is probably 5 to 10 minutes; thus, you need to find a replacement behavior for that 5-to-10-minute time frame. For example, if you like to have a cigarette the first thing in the morning and that takes 6 minutes for you, you only need to distract yourself with anything else for 6 minutes. This could be a guided meditation, quick yoga session, giving more time to enjoy your breakfast, putting extra effort into your hair and make-up, reading the news, or even browsing social media (although for this last one I suggest you exercise caution because social media can also be an addiction).

Obviously, urge-surfing can work for other addictions too. I also suggest urge-surfing for other problematic behaviors such as self-injury.

How urge-surfing can prevent arguments

Urge-surfing is a key tool to help prevent arguments. Think back on a time you felt hurt, offended, or angry at a friend or family member. You may have screamed at them or said something callous to feel better… and yes it made you feel powerful at the time, but it came with consequences, right? Perhaps you were later plagued with guilt. Even worse, the person may have stopped talking to you and you were fearful your relationship with them had ended. As you reflect on the incident, you recognize that there could had been a good outcome if you responded differently to the person – even if they were in the wrong.

When it comes to interpersonal conflicts, urge-surfing can work by having you pause to consider the consequences of acting on the urge to scream and so on. You can stop to notice how you think and feel, remind yourself that the emotion is temporary but the urge may have permanent bad results, and decide how to proceed (this is a DBT skill called “STOP”; detailed here). You can also think of ways you can distract yourself in the moment, such as with these DBT distress tolerance skills. Or you could tell the person, “I feel myself getting angry and wanting to say something I don’t mean, so I am going to walk away right now. Please give me space so I can calm down.” 

Journaling as a method to urge-surf

Finally, you may find it beneficial to journal about your urges as they relate to your impulses, thoughts, emotions, and experiences. There is something liberating about writing down your innermost issues; it serves as an emotional, cognitive, and spiritual release from the pain. Journaling can tap into your inner wisdom by having you make connections about why giving into an urge can be harmful. Furthermore, journaling can let you come up with solutions about how to get through the problem in a healthy way. It can also let you think of what could happen if you continue to surrender to the urge (i.e., chronic alcohol use can lead to cirrhosis). 

Final thoughts

In summary, urge-surfing is important because it teaches us that an urge will lessen in its intensity as time passes. At the peak of an urge, it can feel like our discomfort will consume us unless we act on it to quell it. However, by doing that it only conditions us to have to act on it no matter what, which ironically makes it stronger. Instead, remind yourself that all urges will pass, decrease in frequency as you become more skilled, and that all you are the master of your actions.

Celebrate your victories when you urge-surf to get through a situation. See it as a reminder you are in self-control.

As you become better at learning to control yourself by not giving in to urges, your brain will adapt to these newfound changes. This will make it far easier to resist the pressure of surrendering to urges throughout the rest of your life!

- Valerie Smith, LMSW

Are you dealing with complex trauma and looking for an effective, cost-efficient solution? EMDR intensives may be the answer. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is an evidence-based therapy that can help individuals suffering from C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). EMDR intensives are shorter, more intensive sessions of EMDR, compared to the traditional weekly therapy. In this blog post, we will be discussing how EMDR intensives can provide transformative results and how they are more cost-effective than weekly therapy.

What is an EMDR intensive?

EMDR intensive therapy is a powerful treatment option for individuals struggling with complex trauma or C-PTSD. An EMDR intensive is a condensed and focused period of time for counseling, providing efficient and effective relief for those who are emotionally suffering. This therapy method involves a dedicated period of time ranging from three hours to multiple days in one week. 

It's important to note that EMDR intensive therapy is not for everyone, as the goal is to follow the natural healing process. However, for those who are able to commit to this intensive psychotherapeutic approach, it can help reduce distress around traumatic or adverse events, shift long-held beliefs, and ultimately help approach life and relationships in a more aligned way. Investing in your mental health through an EMDR intensive may be a life-changing decision.

What are the benefits of an EMDR intensive?

EMDR intensives offer numerous benefits, especially for those suffering from complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). Here are a few key advantages:

1. Condensed format: EMDR intensives allow clients to make significant progress in a shorter period than traditional weekly therapy sessions. This condensed format can help eliminate weeks or months of living with trauma symptoms.

2. Reduced lost work time: Since sessions are completed over two or three days, it greatly reduces lost work time, making it easier to fit treatment into a busy schedule.

3. Cost-effectiveness: Although there is a larger upfront cost, the shorter duration of treatment overall can save money in the long run.

4. Shorter wait times: Waiting lists for good trauma treatment providers can be long. However, with EMDR intensives, clients can get through treatment in the same week they start, reducing wait times.

5. State-of-the-art modality: Intensives are being studied in the literature as a state-of-the-art modality for trauma, making them an effective treatment option.

6. Accessibility: Clients who are out of town or out of state can take advantage of access to excellent treatment quickly, making only one trip to complete treatment. Even local clients with transportation or childcare complications can make arrangements for a single weekend.

Overall, EMDR intensives are an effective and efficient way to address trauma and other mental health concerns, making them a valuable investment in your overall well-being.

How does an EMDR intensive differ from weekly therapy?

While weekly therapy sessions can be highly effective, an EMDR intensive offers a different approach that can provide transformative results for clients dealing with complex trauma and C-PTSD. One of the main benefits of an EMDR intensive is the ability to make faster progress and process traumatic memories at a deeper level. This is because the intensive approach allows clients to fully immerse themselves in therapy and stay focused on their therapeutic goals over a short period of time.

Another key advantage of the intensive approach is the increased accountability that comes with working with a therapist for an extended period of time. Both the client and therapist have a heightened sense of responsibility and commitment to the treatment process. The intensive approach can also be ideal for clients who have one or two specific problems they want to work on.

However, weekly therapy also has its benefits. Gradual progress, better integration of the therapy process into daily life, reduced intensity of emotions, and more flexibility with scheduling can all be important factors for some clients. Ultimately, the choice between an intensive or weekly approach will depend on the client's specific needs, therapeutic goals, and personal preferences.

Regardless of which approach a client chooses, investing in one's mental health should be a top priority. By committing to therapy and working with a qualified therapist, clients can make progress towards healing and moving forward in their lives. Don't let the cost or time commitment deter you from taking the necessary steps towards a brighter future.

Why invest in your mental health now?

When it comes to mental health care, economic value is an important consideration. While weekly therapy sessions may seem like the more affordable option, investing in an EMDR intensive can actually be more cost-effective in the long run. A large, well-designed randomized study found that an intensive 1-week course of evidence-based PTSD therapy had the same outcome as delivery of the same treatment over several months - except that the results were achieved much more quickly in the intensive format  (Ehlers et al, 2014). This means that investing in an EMDR intensive can save you time and money, while also providing more rapid relief from symptoms.

But why are EMDR intensives so effective? For starters, they differ from weekly therapy in that they involve a much more concentrated and focused treatment approach. Instead of spreading out treatment over several months, an EMDR intensive condenses treatment into a week-long period, allowing for greater treatment efficiency and a reduced risk of destabilization. Additionally, an intensive format helps to reduce the risk of life crises disrupting treatment, as clients can fully immerse themselves in the therapeutic process (Greenwald et al, 2020).

Perhaps most importantly, EMDR intensives offer rapid results, which can help to prevent further suffering or harm from symptoms of C-PTSD. This is due in part to the fact that the intensive format eliminates time spent on activities like checking in at the beginning of each session, addressing current crises and concerns, focusing on stabilizing and coping skills that the client won't need after trauma healing and assisting the client in regaining composure at the end of the session. All of these factors help to make EMDR intensives a highly effective and cost-effective option for those looking to prioritize their mental health and well-being.

Could I benefit from intensive EMDR treatment?

If you have experienced any type of trauma, including complex trauma, then EMDR treatment could potentially benefit you. Complex PTSD, or C-PTSD, can result from ongoing trauma and can lead to symptoms such as hypervigilance, emotional dysregulation, and difficulty with trust and attachment. EMDR treatment is effective in addressing the symptoms of C-PTSD, as well as other types of trauma.

Some signs that you may benefit from EMDR treatment include:

- Flashbacks or intrusive thoughts related to the trauma

- Avoidance of certain people or situations

- Difficulty regulating your emotions, such as feeling numb or disconnected

- Difficulty sleeping or experiencing nightmares

- Chronic pain or other physical symptoms related to the trauma

EMDR treatment can help to reduce these symptoms and improve your overall mental health and well-being. 

 EMDR intensives are particularly effective in treating complex trauma, or C-PTSD, as they allow individuals to delve deeper into their traumatic experiences and process them more fully. Unlike weekly therapy, where the focus may be more on managing symptoms, EMDR intensives are designed to target the root cause of the trauma and provide a transformative experience. By dedicating several days or weeks to an intensive EMDR session, individuals can make significant progress in a shorter period and experience a more lasting impact on their mental health. Additionally, EMDR intensives can be more cost-effective than weekly therapy, as the total number of sessions required may be lower overall. Overall, investing in your mental health through EMDR intensives can provide transformative results and lead to a more fulfilling and joyful life.

If you are interested in exploring whether EMDR intensive treatment could benefit you, feel free to give our office a call to set up a free consultation.

Sending Love & Light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

Do you have that pesky voice in your head constantly shutting you down? Maybe you hear it say, “be a man”; “just do better”; “suck it up and deal”; “talking about your feelings makes you weak”; or “dude, no one wants to hear about your problems, just push through”. Seems familiar? 

You are not alone. Men across multiple cultures to include the United States of America are constantly told to bottle up their emotions and not talk about their feelings because vulnerability is seen as weakness. This is not only a cultural norm, but something that families instill in young boys growing up, in professional career settings, and in interpersonal relationships throughout our lives. But it’s all bullshit. If you want to know the truth, allowing yourself the space and strength to be vulnerable and discuss what you are going through makes you a man with courage; the courage to help yourself when you need to in a healthy way. 

The defining stereotyped image of whats makes someone a “man” includes expectations to use aggression (verbal and/or physical)  to solve their problems, suppressing emotions and never talking about their problems, isolating themselves and withdrawing (“because no one wants to hear your problems”), expected to be effortlessly attractive and/or in shape, value sexual conquests over emotional intimacy, homophobia, and be tough/intimidate others to get their way and/or defend themselves. 

Because our culture tells us that men should just sit down and shut up about their vulnerabilities, this often leads to self-destructive means of coping in men. Whether that be alcohol and/or substance misuse or abuse; or sabotaging personal and/or professional relationships with terrible communication skills and next to no problem solving abilities.

According to Benita N. Chatmon, PhD, MSN, RN, CNE, “Depression and suicide are ranked as a leading cause of death among men. Six million men are affected by depression in the United States every single year. Men (79% of 38,364) die by suicide at a rate four times higher than women (Mental Health America [MHA], 2020). They also die due to alcohol-related causes at 62,000 in comparison to women at 26,000. Men are also two to three times more likely to misuse drugs than women (Center for Behavioral Health Statistics and Quality, 2017). These statistics are troubling because they reinforce the notion that males are less likely to seek help and more likely than women to turn to dangerous, unhealthy behaviors.” (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7444121/)

So, how can we help challenge the negative stereotypes men are expected to live up to? How do we break the stigma so that men can achieve the felt safety in asking for help from others, whether that be trusted loved ones or professionals?

First, it is essential to normalize the idea of seeking mental health treatment. When we have a medical condition like Diabetes or Hypertension, there's no shame in going to the doctor and/or dietitian for guidance and/or medication management. So, why should there be shame in seeking out help for issues like Depression, Anxiety, or Trauma? I feel that the reason this happens all too often is that we can’t just look inside the brain anytime we want to see what’s going on from a chemical or physiological standpoint. So, because we can’t physically see and/or measure exactly whats going on or why we feel the way we do, it becomes stigmatized as “a figment of our imagination” or “over-exaggerating”. This is beyond infuriating because mental health concerns are just as legitimate and can potentially become just as, if not more devastating than some medical conditions. 

In my career, I’ve seen lives destroyed by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychosis, Depression, and Anxiety. Although such conditions don’t always lead to debilitation and/or significant decrease in functioning, they sometimes do and this is pathologized by cultural norms in America, especially for men. As noted above, men are expected to sit down and shut up, and not talk about their feelings because…”who cares, just deal and push through”.

In addition to normalizing the idea of seeking help, it is also important to be able to talk with trusted loved ones about what you are going through. Also, find ways to educate yourself about your mental health issues, maybe even do your homework about what condition you’ve been diagnosed with and what to expect in therapy. A wonderful resource for learning more general information about mental health diagnoses and treatments is National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). Please see the link for their main website listed here. https://nami.org/Home. Talk with your mental health provider openly about your diagnosis, what to expect in treatment, and any negative feelings that come with attending therapy. Your therapist is there to help. Try to use the time and calm space in therapy sessions to explore the negative stigmas around men seeking mental health care and how this has affected you and your relationships to yourself, others, and the world. This helps the therapist understand your world and your experience so that they can provide the appropriate tools to help. It is also beneficial to outreach others who are having the same or similar experiences as you; this can build compassion for others and feeling more understood and grounded in knowing that you are not alone. 

Men, just know that we all have baggage and you are not broken. You deserve to have the felt safety of seeking mental health care and addressing the concerns you have in a productive and healthy way. 

- Jackie Martinez, LMSW (NY), LCSW (NC)