In general people see a therapist when there is a problem. This is true. Most people need some sort of problem that’s uncomfortable enough that they will take the step to begin therapy. It’s of course not comfortable opening up with a stranger and telling them all your deep darkest secrets. It takes a lot of courage and internal motivation to take that step.
Most people also think when they are starting to feel better that therapy has worked and they can now stop coming. For some people this can be true. But with most of our trauma folks, “better” simply signifies not being in constant crisis mode. Yeah, that is an awesome feeling. But because you were in constant crisis mode your therapist likely was helping you develop coping skills and maybe change your behavior a bit so you could stop the cycle.
The truth is that deep work cannot be done when you are not stable. I cannot start EMDR with a client that is chronically suicidal, self-harming and self-sabotaging. I cannot do deep work with client’s coming in with a new fire to put out every week. I can help them learn to manage the moment and self-regulate better. I can help them set boundaries so they are less overwhelmed. I can help them build up their social support so they feel less alone. All of that is still gold. It’s great life changing stuff that ends the roller coaster.
But the deeper stuff that triggers them jumping back on that roller coaster. The inner voice that feels “not good enough”, “alone”, “unlovable”, “responsible”, “guilty” etc. will end up creeping in again and those great behavior changes will likely fade away again and you're back in crisis mode.
Why Stay in Therapy
So that deep stuff. That inner child that still gets “pinged” when you get a critic at work, or your husband says “did you change the diaper genie?”, or your friend cancels plans. That work is best done when you are stable. It’s hard work. But changing that inner voice and those automated thoughts and responses is what truly puts you in the driver's seat of your life. It is also what ends the intergenerational trauma from continuing forward with your children.
That inner voice comes out so often and so unconsciously that it perpetuates us in the cycle. The woman that struggles with self-esteem, ends up criticizing her daughter’s weight and making food comments- that cause her daughter to feel the same as her “unlovable” or that love is conditional or that my value is based on my appearance. It’s surely unintentional and likely not in any way what that mom wants for her kid. But when we don’t have full operational control of our inner voice we end up sending mixed messages to our children, our loved ones and our colleagues.
Why Low Stress Times is When Real Work Happens in Therapy
When it is smooth sailing it’s the perfect time to dive deep. There are less stressors from school, work, life problems which is why you now feel “there’s no stress. I don’t need therapy”. The lack of stress allows for you to now really dive into some deeper issues that are going to bring up some uncomfortable thoughts, memories and emotions. It is the best time to do that work because now that your daily stressors are gone you have the emotional bandwidth to add the work- and healing yourself is work.
When Do I Not Need Therapy
So now you're probably like, “Okay, Jamie. If even when I am not stressed I need therapy, when do I not need therapy?” Valid question.
My answer is when you can easily silence that inner voice that pops up. Whether that be the voice that makes you feel responsible for others, not good enough, unlovable, damaged, guilty, or that you cannot trust your judgment. When you can easily stop playing whack-a-mole and that voice doesn’t pester you- end therapy. When you have worked through and healed that inner child- end therapy. When life is stressful and you don’t want to rip out your hair, or feel your skin is crawling- end therapy. Don’t end when there is no stress. End when you can manage your stress without being in crisis mode.
But if you are a constant crisis mode client that is finally off the rollercoaster. Please talk to your therapist about doing some deeper work. About exploring those core beliefs and truly processing the memories associated with them. We want you to feel better. Truly better and in control of your life.
Looking For A Therapist?
If you are looking for a therapist our counselors at Long Island EMDR would love to help you. What sets us apart from most therapists is that we are authentic humans. Imperfectly perfect I like to say. We are real, down to earth people. We love what we do and who we work with. We do evidenced-based work and are not afraid to challenge you when needed. Because we are down-to-earth genuine humans we truly care about our clients. Even though we will push you, we are probably some of the most compassionate, empathetic, and empowering people you will meet. Give our office a call today to be matched with a therapist who truly understands your concerns. And sleep a little better tonight knowing you took that first step.
California was the first state to legalize marijuana for medical purposes in 1996, having come a long way since marijuana was placed as a Schedule 1 drug in the Controlled Substances Act of 1970. Since then, there have been many debates surrounding the medical benefits of marijuana.
While many states have legalized marijuana for medical purposes, the FDA has only approved the use of medical marijuana for two rare forms of epilepsy, Dravet syndrome and Lennox Gastaut syndrome. With regards to mental health, some states have approved medical marijuana in the treatment of PTSD. While research into medical marijuana and its effect on PTSD is underdeveloped, clinical trials and anecdotal evidence from PTSD sufferers demonstrate the positive impact of the drug on their symptoms. This may be due to the fact that cannabis can reduce activity in the amygdala, the brains “fight or flight” center. There is also some evidence that demonstrates the plant’s cannabinoids could play a role in extinguishing traumatic memories.
Advocates for the drug claim it has therapeutic benefits for a variety of mental health conditions, including insomnia, depression, anxiety, stress, and schizophrenia. An internet search on the topic will lead you to believe that medical marijuana is a “cure all”; a natural remedy that has endless benefits. However, when you take a closer look at the information available, one thing becomes clear: there is just not enough research to draw any substantial conclusions regarding the benefit of medical marijuana for mental health.
Research on medical marijuana extremely limited in the United States. This is due to the fact that it is still not legal on a federal level. From 1968 until now, researchers have only been allowed to use cannabis from one source for research, a facility at the University of Mississippi. However, as of May of 2021, the DEA stated its plan approve more growers, which will allow for more widespread research to be conducted.
Until then, here’s what we know when it comes to marijuana as it pertains to mental health. The main psychoactive ingredient in marijuana, THC, stimulates the part of your brain that responds to pleasure. This results in production of the dopamine, a neurotransmitter that results in relaxation and euphoria. Subjective experiences and limited research indicate marijuana may have a positive effect on anxiety and insomnia. However, not everyone’s experience with marijuana is the same. Some users experience increased anxiety, fear, panic, or paranoia. Using marijuana also has the potential to increase the likelihood of clinical depression, or worsen the symptoms of any mental health challenges you already have.
Due to the above risks and lack of evidence of the benefits, self-medicating with marijuana to manage your mental health symptoms is not advisible. However, whatever you chose to do, the most important thing is to talk openly with your doctor, psychiatrist, and/or therapist about your usage and how it impacts your mental health. If you believe medical marijuana to be of benefit for your mental health, ideally it would be prescribed and regulated by a doctor. Due to current laws in the state in which you reside, this may not be an option. In the meantime in addition to being honest with your providers, be sure to explore alternative techniques to manage your symptoms, including mindfulness, psychiatric medications, meditation, herbs/supplements, and exercise.
Let’s face it-the COVID 19 pandemic was something that most could have not imagined, let alone prepared for. Life as we knew it was immediately turned upside down. While there were many losses incurred, none seemed to compare to the families who lost loved ones to COVID-19. As a society, we were called on to do everything we could to prevent this from happening. This resulted in losing our way of life as we knew it and disenfranchised grief.
Disenfranchised grief is defined as experiencing grief and loss that is not readily recognized by a person, group of people, or society as a whole. The symptoms of grief are the same-experiencing shock, sadness, guilt, regret, anger, fear-however disenfranchised grief makes the process of grieving more challenging due to the lack of validation, social support, and rituals that are often associated with grief. This can induce feelings of isolation and powerlessness, leaving one to feel helpless to reducing their own pain and struggle.
“But we were all going through the COVID-19 pandemic together,” you think. “Doesn’t this count for something?” While we can cite many examples of people making the best of a difficult situation during the pandemic, the undertone has always remained the same-our loss pales in comparison to the loss of human life. The time we lost with loved ones, the loss of our routines, missing graduations, homecoming, sports, weddings, travel plans, holiday traditions, and in general life as we knew it-these losses were expected of us to protect the greater good of human life. We told ourselves, “Those who lost loved one’s to COVID-19; THOSE are the people who are struggling.”
I am here to remind you that everyone’s grief matters. Loss in any form deserves to be validated, acknowledged, and processed. Symptoms of grief are not to be taken lightly, as left unattended can lead to depression, anxiety, and other mental health challenges. It does not serve us to minimize, separate, or compare our losses.
So, what can we do to cope with our disenfranchised grief?
- Acknowledge and validate your loss. Hopefully this article started you on your journey of awareness in understanding that your loss MATTERS, regardless of the messages you have gotten from others, society, and yourself. Remind yourself that you are worthy of the time and space to grieve your loss.
- Begin to get to the root of your grief. When dealing with grief, what you don’t address will ultimately address you. Avoid the urge to suppress your grief and hope it goes away; unresolved feelings have a tendency to resurface later on.
- Write! Writing can be a therapeutic tool to uncover suppressed emotions. There are many writing prompts available online for coping with grief and loss. Do so slowly and with self-compassion, going at a pace that feels right to you.
- Make your own grieving ritual. Part of the challenge of coping with disenfranchised grief is that there are no clear rituals to honor and provide closure for the grief experienced. Rituals will vary from person to person; however, it may help to pick a place that has emotional significance where you can spend time to honor what was lost.
- Find support. If there is a name for it, someone has experienced it. Seek out friends and family members that have experienced similar losses, or that you feel are supportive. Consider what you need from others and ask for it. As always, seeking professional help is recommended, as this individual is trained to guide you through this challenging process.
Grief is a normal response to mourning the loss of a significant attachment figure. However, some people experience complicated grief characterized by an intense, prolonged mourning period focused on unhelpful, painful thoughts, dysfunctional behaviors and difficulty regulating emotions. When someone struggles with complicated grief, unique therapeutic interventions are required to address it. Complicated Grief Therapy involves seven core themes, including understanding grief, managing painful emotions, thinking about the future, strengthening relationships, telling the story of the death, learning to live with reminders and remembering the person who died. Many people with complicated grief believe that they cannot be connected to their lost loved one without constant emotional pain. Overtime this can strain relationships, prevent an individual from honoring the memory of the deceased and prohibit the person from truly being connected to their loved one. It is possible to achieve meaningful relationships while still remaining connected to the deceased with the assistance of a Complicated Grief Therapist. Psychologist, J. William Worden named the four tasks of mourning which allow us to see how integrating loss into our lives does not erase their memories, but rather preserves our connections to them.
1. Accepting the Loss
Sometimes grief can become complicated by unhelpful, often catastrophizing thoughts that cause some people to feel they are not grieving “the right way” if they come to terms with their loss. These thoughts cause people to have dysfunctional behaviors, such as avoiding places that remind them of their loved one or constantly day dreaming about their loved one. When we distract ourselves from painful emotions with avoidant behaviors, we inadvertently keep ourselves stuck in a place that prevents us from experiencing pleasant moments of connection to our lost loved one. A main concern for people with Complicated Grief is that they might forget or dishonor their relationship with the deceased if they accept the loss. However when we spend our time refusing to accept the loss, we actually reframe our relationship with the lost loved one around their death rather than the joy and connection shared with them when they were alive.
2. Process the Pain and Grief of the Loss
Grief is a natural, emotional process that involves a balance between times of pain and sadness and times of respite where we are able set aside out grief for a time. Those with complicated grief have difficulty stepping out of their grief and inadvertently redefine who the deceased was as a perfect being. This means that we wind up moving away from the true identity of the deceased and our actual relationship with them. In an attempt to stay connected to this idealized person we hyper focus on reminders of them to feel close to them. Despite focusing on things that exacerbate their feelings of loss, we are unable to process our pain because we stay in a place where we are so overwhelmed by our grief that we are unable to cope or connect with our loved one. Allowing ourselves time and space to heal does not mean we have forgotten our loved one. In actuality permitting ourselves to process our pain will enhance our connection to the deceased by granting ourselves the ability to truly remember who they were and to cherish our memories of the true lost loved one.
3. Adjust to the World Without the Lost Loved One
Important people in our lives often take on specific roles. This adds another lay of adjustment and grief after someone close to us has died. We may have to take on more house chores and errands which can serve as additional reminders of the loss or we may have to go to events that we would have gone to with the deceased alone. All of these tasks call on us to adjust to the world without the deceased, not to forget them. When we are unable to make these changes we diminish our capacity to function in the world.
4. Integrate the Loss into A Meaningful Life
The purpose of Complicated Grief counseling is to integrate the loss into the survivor’s life in a way that allows the surviving person to feel connected to the deceased while still being able to function and feel joy in their lives. The purpose of integration is to create a healing process that celebrates the bond between the survivor and the deceased and highlights the joy experienced with the deceased rather than defining the relationship by the pain experienced as a result of the deceased’s death.
Grief is not a voyage from which we eventually return unchanged. We hold people who we have formed close connections with in our hearts, even after they have passed away. If you feel you have been in a prolonged, intense state of grief that has prevented you from living a meaningful life while maintaining a connection to your lost loved one, please call our office so we can work on adjusting to the present and redefining the future.
Be Well,