A traumatic event is an occurrence that overwhelms our stress response system. When we endure trauma from someone close to us we can develop a trauma bond, especially when we experience trauma repeatedly by an attachment figure. A trauma bond occurs when the abused develops sympathy or affection towards their abuser. This can happen over any time period and rarely, if ever, develops into a healthy relationship. A trauma bond can cause the abused to experience guilt, confusion and self-judgment when analyzing their feelings towards their abuser, however this type of bond, while unhealthy, can originate from a protective place in the abused person.
How Trauma Bonding Occurs from Our Fight, Flight Or Freeze Response
Our brains have a survival response system, often referred to as the “Fight, Flight or Freeze” response. The body can activate this response system if our brains detect danger and turn on different pathways to get us out of the dangerous situation safely. This is the same response system that is responsible for the increase in adrenaline we experience after we hear an unexpected loud noise or are startled. It is our “Fight, Flight or Freeze” response system has allowed our species to survive for as long as we have and it is this system that becomes activated when we experience trauma.
Survivors who endure abuse from their loved ones, especially their parents as children or their partners as adults, go through an extremely complicated process to try to make sense of their relationship with the abuser. In an effort to allow the survivor to be able to function with their abuser the brain may turn on protective defense mechanisms in the form of dissociation, forgetting or minimizing abuse or even to take responsibility if the abuse with an attachment figure. For example, it would be extremely difficult for a child to function with the knowledge that they have to rely on the same person who is mistreating them so the brain may “try to make sense” of the abuse by using one of the above tactics to allow the child to still function with their abuser day to day. This is not the say that abuse is therefore alright. It is not and no one deserves to be mistreated or abused.
What This Does Not Say About The Survivor
- That the abuse did not happen.
- That they want the abuse to happen.
- That they deserve abuse.
- That there is something “wrong” with them.
What This Means
Forming a trauma bond with an abuser does not mean there is something wrong with the survivor but rather speaks to the survivor’s ability to survive in a dangerous, unpredictable environment. No one deserves to be in a dangerous, unstable relationship or environment. If you feel you may have this type of attachment to a person who has made you feel unsafe, please call our office to work through your emotions related to trauma bonding to enhance self-compassion and secure safety for current and future relationships.
Adult-ing can be really hard. One thing that makes it easier is having a healthy social circle of people you can rely on in times of stress. As discussed in last week's post, socialization is one major player in the vast array of things effecting our overall mental health. However, I often hear from clients how difficult it is to expand their social circle and increase their supports. After college or high school we kind of run out of the large pool of prospective individuals that we can potentially make into long lasting friendships. After school, we move away, have difficult schedules that don’t seem to match up or just end up with very different life stages or interests. So where do we go from here? Here are some ideas for working on strengthening and expanding your social-circle:
1. Reach out to a Colleague at Work
Once school is over, work becomes the new place to meet people, who you are around often, and build new relationships that can turn into supportive and beneficial friendships. You can start by having lunch with your colleagues, discussing similar challenges or experiences you share at work and similar interests that brought you both to that field. Once you are work buddies you can move to inviting them out for dinner or a community trip (wine tasting, movie night, hiking or beach day). Like all things if you nurture the relationship it should grow and blossom.
2. Volunteer
Volunteering is a great option for stay-at-home parents, who don’t have the option of meeting people at work. Or the busy-bodies who just love to fill their “free-time” with something to do. Often volunteers come to the same place again and again on the same days so you can see the same people and begin to develop rapport with them. Volunteering also just is a nice way to give back and often makes us feel good about ourselves for being a part of “something bigger” or for helping someone else in need.
3. Coffee Time with a Friend
Coffee dates are a great way to reconnect with an old friend after work, on the weekend or anytime you have an hour or so free. They can also be a really inexpensive way to just get out of your house and feel connected to another human. If you don’t like coffee, lunch or tea is always a good option.
4. Call a Loved One Regularly
Time easily can escape us. Setting up a set time to check in with mom, dad, an aunt or a sibling weekly or biweekly can help us to remember to connect with those we love. The consistency in communication will serve to strengthen your relationship and make you feel more comfortable discussing concerns with them should you need support in the future.
5. Plan an Outing Once a Month
In Covid times I know this can be difficult. So maybe for now it’s a virtual game night if your not comfortable with groups just yet. Outdoors is also a great option, such as an organized hike. There are truly so many beautiful places on Long island to visit my favorites include: Elizabeth Morton Sanctuary, Nissequogue State Park, Montauk Point, Jones Beach (really any beach I’m happy) and Blydenburgh County Park. You can also visit the vineyard, go apple picking (or really any seasonal picking) or go to a drive-in movie. An added bonus is that planning an event gives you something to look forward to, which is always a great mood booster.
6. Call or Email an Old Friend
Reconnecting with an old friend that you lost touch with can be a good mood booster and possibly open up an avenue to rekindling that friendship. Sometimes we just fall out of touch and a phone call or email can go a long way to bringing back the closeness you once had.
7. Get a Work-Out Buddy
This helps you two-fold: 1) it is a designated time to spend with a friend, family member or partner which is sure to build your relationship and 2) it makes it more likely that you will exercise consistently which is proven to boost mood and help regulate stress.
8. Schedule a Weekly Dinner Date
I tell all my adult how have partners, especially married with kids, to schedule in date night. It’s so essential to get that alone time. I do understand weekly may not be in everyone babysitting budget but even biweekly or once a month can go a long way to improving your relationship with your partner. If you are not dating or married a girls night or out night weekly with friends is always a great stress-reliever as well.
9. Join a Gym Class or a Club
Seems silly but if you commit to something weekly like a class or a club, you will see the same people there every week! Even better, they are likely to have similar interests. It’s a good practice of self-care and a good way to expand your social circle.
10. Ask a Friend Over for Dinner
Now this can be an old friend, a colleague you are getting closer with, you can do a double date night with your partners. Whatever works for you. For the parents out there, asking one of your child’s close friend’s parents over for dinner (and a play date) is a great way to again expand that social circle.
What to do When you are too Stressed to Even Begin?
So I know that making friend’s is not as easy as checking off some of those to-do items listed above for everyone. Some people may have social anxiety or low self-esteem or really nagging self-talk that can make them feel really stuck when starting this process. If that sounds like you, please reach out to our office. We would love to help you work through those stressors, anxieties and negative thoughts so you can start building the life you really want.
Stay Shining,
It’s a known fact that our species are social beings. We evolved by living in communities relying on one-another to help us meet our daily needs like: food, child-care, shelter, safety, and of course emotional well being. Nowadays though, that sense of community seems to have dissipated in our individualistic society. Life get’s busy, we have to work, we have to pay our bills and socialization has become more of a luxury than a daily given. But it truly is essential for our emotional and mental well being to have a supportive network of friends and family to help us through tough times.
Socialization & Brain Chemistry
One of the most calming experiences can be to spend time with people who make you feel loved and understood. Face-to face interaction can counter act our body’s “fight or flight” response by releasing a slew of hormones that elevate our mood. When we socialize with those we love our brain releases “oxytocin” which is a lovely little chemical that boosts mood. Oxytocin is produced by a part of the brain which is instrumental in regulating many of the most basic and necessary physical rhythms of the body: sleep, hunger, thirst, and emotional reaction. Oxytocin has also been shown to be the driving factor in the triggering of another fabulous chemical “Dopamine”. Dopamine release signals feelings of pleasure and supports behaviors we need to survive- such as eating, drinking and procreating.
Socialization & Reduction of Dementia Risks
Building social networks and participating in social activities are like exercises for your brain because they keep your mind agile and improve cognitive function. In a California study published by the American Journal of Public Health, researchers reported that older women who managed large social networks reduced their risk of dementia by 26%. Furthermore, women who had daily contact with their individuals in their social circle cut their risk of dementia by almost half!
Socialization Effects on Depression & Anxiety
Close supportive relationships with friends, family and colleagues act as a buffer to hashes of the real world. They improve our feelings of self-worth, lower our symptoms of depression and anxiety and help us to feel accepted. When you have loved ones to lean on in times of stress and to fill your life with fulfilling activities, you are less likely to struggle with anxiety and depression related symptoms.
Socialization & Stress
Socializing is just a good way in general to take your mind off the stressors of life. Participating in social activities alleviates pressure, gives us something to look forward to on the hard days and take our mind off of stressors easier than when we do activities alone.
In Summation
Socialization is a basic NEED. We all need to feel loved and accepted by others. It fuels our brain chemistry; affecting our mood, diet, thought patterns and self-esteem. If you or a loved one need help in becoming more social due to struggling with mental health symptoms, we would be glad to help you get there. Contact our office to see how we can assist you in moving towards the life you want and deserve.
Stay Shining,
The first three minutes of a conflict have a direct relationship with the outcome of that conflict in particular, and the future success of that relationship in general (Schwartz- Gottman & Gottman, 2015). It can be very challenging to get our point across while also not becoming overly activated to the point where we shut down or start throwing metaphorically punches at the other person. This can be even more of a daunting task during an emotionally charged situation. Below are what Schwartz Gottman & Gottman refer to as the “Four Horseman of Relationship Apocalypse,” which can lead to resentment, fractured communication and feeling disconnected from your partner. The first two can be viewed as figurative “weapons” to put down our partner while the last two can be seen as symbolic “shields” to protect ourselves during an argument.
1. Criticism
Criticism occurs when we blame a relationship problem on a trait of a particular partner. This only leads to resentment and can get in the way of clearly explaining what we want from our partner.
2. Contempt
Contempt can manifest as blame, putdowns or name-calling. Aside from belittling being far outside the realm of a healthy relationship, contempt conveys mocking or superiority and actually impacts the immune system of the listener (Schwartz Gottman & Gottman, 2015). It is the most corrosive of the Four Horsemen and can be verbal or non-verbal in the form of an eye-roll or smirk.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness can be defined as an attempt at self-protection through innocent victimhood or righteous indignation to ward off a perceived “attack”. Defensiveness is different from criticism in that defensiveness is a “counter-attack” to a complaint. This is the most difficult of the four horseman to overcome because it prevents the listener from hearing the speaker’s attempt for a bid for affection by hyper focusing on their partner’s disapproval. In this way, we wind up getting in our way when we are defensive because we only hear disrespect rather than our partner’s desire for connection. The antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility. Much to our chagrin, taking responsibility for part of the problem is a requirement to addressing an issue and enhancing our connection to our partner.
4. Stone-walling
Stone-walling is the metaphorical shield we use when we shut down by not reacting at all. When this happens we check out of the conversation and are no longer able to hear what our partner is telling us. During an argument, our physiological “Fight, Flight or Freeze” response system is active and unless we learn to manage our own and respect the stress level of the other person, we can create a recipe for disaster. This is why taking breaks can be very effective when a conflict gets too heated. When we recognize that we are listening to respond rather than listening to understand or have an increased heart rate, we should assess if it’s time to time a few moments to decompress with the understanding that both parties will return to the conversation at a mutually agreed upon time.
If any of these elements sounds like communication patterns in your relationship, working with a therapist to replace the Four Horsemen with Conflict Management Skills can greatly improve communication and connection with your partner. Together we can unveil each individual’s bids for attention in each argument so each party can hear and address the other’s desire to enhance their connection and support for one another.
Be well,
Have you ever wondered how childhood trauma impacts adolescents or adults? Do you find yourself asking yourself how much your childhood has a impact on your relationships today? Childhood experiences, both positive and negative, have major impact on our emotional development and how we continue to interact in the relationships around us.
Childhood is where our attachment styles are developed and our parents are our primary attachment figures. The way they respond to us in childhood shapes our worldview, or perception of the world, and how we expect others to respond, relate and interact with us. This is the foundation of whether or not a child will feel the world is safe and whether or not those around them will accept them.
Erikson called this our view of “trust or mistrust”. Is it a safe place to venture out and take emotional risks? Are all people generally good or are they out to hurt us and therefore untrustworthy? Can we trust others to support us in times of emotional need or crisis or do I need to rely on myself?
Complex trauma refers to the prolonged exposure to a stressful event, or repeated traumatic events layered on top of another. This would include children, who have grown up in physically, sexually, and/or emotionally absent or abusive households, as well as children who grew up in unsafe communities, an incarnated parent or a parent with mental health or substance use concerns.
How Childhood Trauma Continues to Effect us into Adulthood
Without the safety net of a secure attachment relationship, children experiencing childhood trauma grow up to become adults who struggle with poor self-esteem and difficulty with emotional regulation. They continue the unhealthy relationship patterns of their childhood with partners, friends and family members. These adults also have an increased risk of developing depression and anxiety.
The following are the four basic attachment styles. Please keep in mind that these descriptions are very general; not everyone will have all these characteristics. Attachment styles are relatively fluid and can be ever-changing depending on your partner’s own attachment style and the adaptations you make as you grow and learn.
Secure Attachment in Adults
These individuals usually grew up in a supportive environment where parents consistently responded to their needs. Securely attached individuals feel comfortable in their own skin, easily share feelings with partners and friends and seek out social support. These individuals have a generally positive outlook on life and seek physical and/or emotional intimacy with minimal fear of being rejected or overwhelmed.
Securely attached individuals, much like their parents were to them, are generally consistent and reliable in their behaviors toward their partner. They also tend to include their partner in decisions that could affect their relationship or life goals.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment in Adults
Children develop this attachment style when their primary caregivers are not emotionally responsive or are rejecting of their needs.
Children learn to pull away emotionally and be overly self-reliant, as means to avoid feelings of rejection. As adults, they become uncomfortable with emotional openness and downplay the importance of relationships.
These adults tend to place a high priority on their own independence from others and tend to be extremely self-reliant. They develop techniques to reduce feelings of being overwhelmed and defend themselves from perceived threats to their “independence.”
These techniques include, shutting down, sending mixed messages, and avoiding. These coping techniques end up becoming detrimental to their adult relationships.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment in Adults
Children who have developed this style of attachment may have been exposed to prolonged abuse and/or neglect. Their primary caregivers are a source of hurt, rather than fulfilling their vital role of providing support and comfort.
These children grow up to become adults who depend on others but avoid intimacy in their relationships due to fear of rejection. As adults they have lower self-esteem and high anxiety in relationships.
As adults they see the value in having close relationships but due to the abuse they received have a difficult time trusting others. Due to this distrust, they avoid being emotionally vulnerable with others and have difficulty clearly expressing their wants and needs, as they fear it will lead to more hurt and rejection.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment in Adults:
Children with anxious-preoccupied attachment had caregivers who did not consistently meet their needs, as in their responses to the child were not consistent or predictable. Their parents were nurturing, caring and attentive at times but this was alternated with cold, rejecting or emotionally detached behaviors.
This alternation between love and rejection makes it difficult for a child to know what to expect from day to day. These children then grow up to be adults who require a lot of connection, closeness and attention within their relationships, sometimes to the point of being “clingy.”
Individuals who have this attachment style may need more validation and approval from loved ones than the other attachment styles.
Neurobiology of Attachment and Childhood Trauma
As products of our own environments, adults will often find themselves repeating the same behaviors witnessed and experienced in childhood. This is because the neural pathways developed from childhood traumatic experiences shape keep us stuck in these unhealthy patterns and ways of relating.
To say all of this is not meant to place blame on caregivers for the types of relationships formed in your adult life. However, increasing awareness of your own attachment style can help you take those first steps towards recognizing patterns and improving your relationships as an adult. With newfound awareness you can move to form securely attached relationships with your partner and with your own children.
Processing those difficult childhood memories of abuse and neglect can help you to make new neural connections with more adaptive experiences in your life and thus alter that inner-voice that keeps your stuck in poor patterns of behavior.
Where to go From Here?
At Long Island EMDR, we understand how complex childhood trauma affects you as an adult, which is why we specialize in EMDR and trauma-focused therapies. We are here to help guide and support you through your journey of processing past hurts and forming healthier connections.
Keep Shining,