Relationships are bonds formed on understanding, fondness and admiration, mutual support, trust and commitment. Sometimes we meet people who we care about but later learn this person may not be a good partner. Here are some dating red flags that can serve as warning signs to be cautious about proceeding into a relationship and if any of these sound familiar, it may be helpful to address these issues right away, preferably with a counselor.
- Gets very serious very quickly
- While this may seem romantic or as though a partner believes you are “the one,” it can be a sign that a partner is controlling. Most abusers come on very sweet and charming in the beginning. This leads into the “Honeymoon Phase” of an unsafe relationship where there is a lot of love and care before the “Tension Phase,” which involves many arguments, put downs and feeling bad about yourself. The “Tension Phase” may even escalate to the “Blow Up Phase” in unhealthy relationships where abuse becomes more extreme. If you are dating someone who you feel is becoming very serious very quickly, it may be helpful to evaluate how much about you this person seems to know and appreciate before proceeding further.
- Is extremely jealous
- Relationships are built on trust and require time to build this confidence. This is why partners bond over shared values and honor each other’s boundaries. If trust is not secured in your relationship and your partner wants to isolate you from your friends, work, or family, this may be a sign that your foundation is not solid. In your relationship there should be a balance between “me”, “you” and “us” which allows each individuals to have a strong sense of self inside and outside the relationship. A relationship without this balance can cause jealousy and isolation to define the bond rather than respect, trust and understanding.
- Attempts to control what you do, what you wear and who you see
- Loving relationships are about trust and collaboration and a relationship cannot have these themes if one partner is seeking to control and/or make decisions for the other.
- Mistreats others
- Someone who struggles to see other points of view or negotiate with other people to the point of maltreatment is likely unable to collaborate with their partner and meet their partner halfway to achieve mutual goals.
- Blames other people for their own misbehavior or shortcomings
- We are not perfect beings and a partner who struggles to acknowledge areas where they could improve or have made a mistake are unlikely to atone for their missteps in your relationship. This means that the partner who refuses to own their mistakes will push accountability onto other people, rarely apologize or modify their behavior to ensure their partner feels heard and understood.
- Abuses drugs/alcohol
- A partner who struggles with substances may have difficulty managing their emotions or may rely on the availability and accessibility of their substance of choice to cope with their emotions. This may serve as a barrier to maintaining clear communication, trust and/or mutual support.
- Has unrealistic expectations
- A loving partner accepts us for who we are and encourages us to grow and meet our goals. Someone who expects their partner to be perfect is likely to be demanding and unable to recognize that the reality that their partner has limitations, as all people do. If someone expects their partner to be infallible, they may respond extremely when their partner does not meet their expectations.
- Is overly sensitive or acts “hurt” when they do not get their way
- In order to have healthy communication within our relationships, we expect our partners to be able to negotiate so conflict can be resolved with both parties feeling heard and appreciated. Similar to someone blaming others for their mistakes, someone who is unable to tolerate disagreements struggles to see other points of view or may not value their partner’s thoughts and opinions.
- Has mistreated a former partner in the past
- The only people responsible for maltreatment is the person who committed it. We are all entitled to feel safe and secure with our partners regardless of the situation. Someone who has mistreated a former partner is unlikely to provide the safety and security needed for a meaningful relationship without addressing these issues with a trained counselor.
- Is threatening or intimidating, even if they are not “serious”
- We cannot simultaneously feel safe and threatened. Any relationship that involves threats or intimidation cannot be a loving relationship because it does not have security.
- Calls you names, puts you down or curses at you
- We all deserve respect, especially from our loved ones. Someone who puts us down, calls us names or curses at us does not respect us. Lack of respect is one of those dating red flags that can have us feeling unsafe, unheard and unseen.
- Is extremely moody and switches from being very nice to exploding into anger
- There needs to be a strong foundation of stability in any meaningful, lasting relationship. This allows us to feel safe and protected when we are with our partner and enhances our sense of trust and attachment to them overtime. Someone who ricochets from extremely happy to extremely angry does not possess the skillset to regulate themselves and cannot build this foundation of security with us. For someone to be able to withstand the ups and downs of life alongside us as our partner, they must be able to weather the storm with us and tolerate difficult emotions so they can support us when we need them. This is part of the natural give and take of a true relationship. If everything is dependent on one partner’s mood, this individual cannot truly “give” when their partner needs support.
- Believes that one partner is inferior and expects their partner to obey them
- Trust and collaboration require an equal playing field and this is impossible if there is an uneven power dynamic within the relationship where one person seeks to dominate the other. Uneven power dynamic is certainly one of the key dating red flags.
- Holds partner against their will to keep them from walking away or leaving the room
- During a confrontation, some people feel they need to take some space to calm down before proceeding to resolve the conflict while others want to resolve the conflict in the moment. It’s important to have an understanding of you and your partner’s conflict resolution styles so you can work together to resolve arguments. If our partners will not allow us to take time to cool off or to remove ourselves if we feel unsafe, this tells us that they do not value our feelings or needs in the relationship.
Forming lasting bonds enhance our feeling of connectedness and understanding. Cultivating these bonds takes time, trust, security and admiration. They can also allow us to experience love and demonstrate healthy relationships for those around us, especially our children. If you feel unsupported in your relationship or noticed you have experienced some dating red flags, give our office a call to enhance your relationship’s foundation so all parties feel valued, respected and fulfilled.
Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, many individuals have begun working from home. If you are one of these individuals, kudos to you; you have been forced to make the best of a sudden change that you had very little say in. As time has gone on, you have begun to see that working from home can have its perks; you have the benefit of improved flexibility, more independence, no commuting stress, and best of all-comfy clothes!
However, working from home has some challenges were not foreseeable at the start of this pandemic. These challenges have only started to be understood through the tried-and-true experience of those who have been on the forefront of this new working-from-home era. Difficulties with willpower/motivation, increased distractions, isolation, challenges with a work/home life balance, and feeling as if you have to overcompensate by working around the clock are all obstacles in working from home. If you have taken interest in reading this article, you most likely understand that working from home isn’t the idyllic, carefree playground it is cracked up to be.
Here are some tips to protect your mental health while working from home:
1. Create a designated workspace.
It is extremely tempting to roll over, open up the lap top, and get to work. A basic rule of thumb is if something feels too good and easy, it’s probably not the best thing for your overall mental health and well-being. You’ll want to keep your work zone separate from your relaxation zone as best you can with the space you have available. This can help with motivation levels, and from keeping your mind and body from receiving mixed messages about when it’s time to work and when it’s time to relax. Also, change into “real” clothes, brush your hair, brush your teeth, eat breakfast, drink coffee, and whatever else helps you to feel like a HUMAN before starting work. It is easy to “let ourselves go” when working from home, but doing so on a regular basis can have a negative impact on our confidence and zest for life.
2. Keep regular work hours (and stick to them!).
Flexibility is viewed as one of the biggest benefits of working from home. However, we as humans respond best to structure and routine. It is easy to drag out your work day while mixing in household responsibilities. However, doing so can result in being “at work” for much longer than you would be if you worked a typical 8-hour office day. Set work hours and do you best to only work within these hours. DO NOT ANSWER WORK CALLS/EMAILS AFTER WORK HOURS. I repeat-DO NOT ANSWER WORK CALLS/EMAILS AFTER WORK HOURS.Develop an “end of the work day” ritual to further solidify that your work day is over and you are “returning home.” Some suggestions for this can include putting away all of your work items, changing your clothing, putting on some music, or meditating. This will assist in not allowing work life and home life blend into one giant conglomerate mess, and in turn will benefit greatly in maintaining balance-which is something we are all striving for!
3. Take regular breaks.
Speaking of balance-take regular breaks! Often it is tempting to “push straight through,” believing there is no time or usefulness in taking a break. Afterall, won’t a break just cause me to have to work longer to complete what I need to accomplish? Wrong. It has been scientifically proven that taking breaks results in you returning to work more refreshed, centered, and more productive than you were prior to taking a break. Your stress levels will decrease as well. Just as you set regular work hours, set regular break times. Most 8-hour shifts require two ten-minute breaks and one half hour break by law, so keep this in mind when scheduling your breaks. You deserve it!
4. Get up and get moving.
Working from home can result in a sedentary lifestyle. The average person is recommended to take 10,000 steps a day. You are not getting that in your “commute” from your bed to your designated work space, even if you live in the lap of luxury. Take walks around your neighborhood on your breaks, or while making phone calls. Go up and down the stairs if you have them, do some jumping jacks or squats, or even put some music on and start dancing! If you can, set up your computer so you can type standing up. Utilize anything you can think of to get the blood flowing. This will assist with energy, motivation, and releasing feel-good endorphins to help get you through the day!
5. Take time to communicate with coworkers.
WAIT, I thought this was a benefit of working from home??? Not having to communicate with those annoying people you work with and for seems like a dream come true! Won’t this HELP my sanity? Although not having to engage in small talk or deal with difficult coworkers can be a rather enjoyable perk of working from home, TOO much isolation can be detrimental to your wellbeing. As much as we can have an aversion to it, we thrive on human interaction. Make an effort to keep the lines of communication flowing to keep from turning too far inward (it can be scary in that mind of yours!). Plus, it can boost morale and creativity to bounce ideas off another someone else.
6. Stay on task.
Part of the challenge of working from home is the plethora of distractions that are available to us. There are often an endless number of household chores that can be done, shows that can be watched, online purchases that can be made, and naps that can be taken-all of which can be done without anyone “watching over” you. Oftentimes, it can be tempting to distract ourselves from one work related task to another work-related task, and tell ourselves, “We are multitasking!” Hate to break it to you folks, but multitasking is a myth. It is scientifically proven that completing one task at a time is the most efficient way to get things done. Go ahead, google it! We are so trained in distraction that it has become a way of life. Focus on completing one task at a time, and you will see your efficiency skyrocket! This in turn reduce your stress and increase confidence in your own abilities.
7. Celebrate your victories.
Many of us were thrown into the sea of working from home without so much as a life jacket to help us. Working from home is NOT natural for us, so any day you are able to defy the odds and maintain some semblance of productivity is a successful day! You put real pants on today? Good job! Made it through the whole day without napping? Right on! What you are doing is not easy and requires a huge amount of self-discipline, self-motivation, and inner strength to maintain. So, give yourself a pat on the back; you are doing amazing.
- Alexandria (Alex) Fairchild, LMSW
When describing yourself, how do you finish the sentence “I am…..”?
Are you saying things like, “I am":
LOVED,
POWERFUL,
BLESSED,
WORTHY,
COMPETENT,
INTERESTING,
ENOUGH.…
Or is your “I am” statement more like — I am small, weak, ugly, incompetent, useless, discarded or not enough?
Each of us has an internal dialogue that has a tremendous effect on how we see ourselves, how we feel and the actions we do or do not take. Do you start your day with “I am beautiful, smart, awake, invigorated”? Do you believe “I am loved, honored, cherished and wise.” Or do your thoughts all too often go to “I cannot do this. I am not okay. I will never be enough.”?
Our life events big and small help to shape this inner voice, that so very much tends to guide the direction of our lives. Whether it was bullying, physical abuse, humiliation, sexual abuse, witnessing violence or emotional neglect- what happens in our lives shape our views about ourselves. These events indeed have an effect on our life trajectory- both positive and negative.
The good news is there is also a way to change this inner voice to focus on our strengths rather than our insecurities.
By reprocessing or traumas, be they negative or difficult childhood memories or significant traumatic events (rape, assault, death of loved ones, war), we are allowing our brains to make new neural connections and new positive associations. Additionally, we are able to let go of those intense emotions and bodily sensations linked to these events, that keep us in patterns that are no longer serving us. Processing these traumas with EMDR therapy helps you put those negative thoughts to rest so you can start creating the life you desire and deserve.
If you would like to put an end to the negative inner voice and start finding your inner strengths we have EMDR certified clinicians who are here to help. Give our office a call to begin EMDR therapy today.
Refocusing Your Intention and Resetting Your Goals
We’re about a month into the new year and this can be the time where commitment to our resolutions can start to become lackluster. Sometimes difficulties to maintaining our goals can lead to disappointment in ourselves and cause us to fall into this negative headspace where we wind up resenting our overall objective and decide it no longer matters. Where we get ourselves into trouble is when we pick ourselves apart for not being thin enough, productive enough, healthy enough, etc and we wind up setting these outrageous goals for ourselves that we don’t have the tools to reach and then get disheartened when we haven’t magically ridden ourselves of our love of ice cream on January 1st.
Growth is a wonderful thing- whether it be that we are going to start a new workout routine or that we are going to start carving out time for ourselves every day to enjoy and recharge. But setting a goal that truly means a lot to us as individuals is very different than setting one that we feel we need to attain to be valuable. If this is resonating with you, now may be a good time to refocus and reset your intention for your goals, both short and long term. Below are some questions to ask yourself as you check in regarding your current goal. Keep in mind that if you come across a question and think “Welp, didn’t do that. Better luck next year,” don’t worry! This is not a sign that your journey is doomed but rather an opportunity to possibly identify and overcome a barrier. We’ll say it a few times in this post but to start, remember you have permission to make changes along the way and any step you have taken to work towards something meaningful to you is something to be celebrated.
1: Is the goal vague or specific?
Having specifics can be helpful because we see the actual steps needed to achieve our goal. For example, if my goal is to be more patientI might not really understand what more patience would look like in different scenarios. So I could decide, for example, to be more patient with my family members when it comes to cleaning the house. Maybe that means meeting with my household and saying I’ll do my best to give my family members a full day before mentioning dirty dishes in the sink.
2: How are you measuring your success?
Is there a way that you will know you are achieving or working towards your goal? If my goal is to improve my organization skills I may measure my organization by my ability to identify what’s on the agenda for the day or maybe I will be able to accomplish my tasks for the day or week on time. By doing this I’ll have a clear marker to compare my progress to.
3: How attainable is your goal?
Whatever your goal is it may be helpful to check in to see if there are any pre-requisites to accomplishing your objective or if your goal seems so large that it is overwhelming, this may be a good time to break it up into smaller parts. For example, it will definitely be difficult to achieve my goal of walking 2 miles a day if I don’t have appropriate sneakers on day one.Furthermore, not being able to meet my first objective but trigger that disappointment we mentioned earlier and could direct me into a loop where I’m so busy focusing on my disappointment and allowing other things to get in the way, that I don’t actually start working towards my goal. Something that can be really empowering when we feel like our plan isn’t planning out the way we hoped is giving ourselves credit for what we have done to achieve this goal.Maybe I’ll celebrate when I prioritize going to get a pair of shoes and setting an alarm for the next morning to start my walking plan. It’s amazing how acknowledging a component of a larger objective can cause a surge of motivation to continue forward.
4: How relevant is your goal?
Goals are important. They encourage us to grow and prevent us from becoming complacent in things that are truly important to us. However sometimes we wind up setting a goal that does not exactly align with our intention. If it seems like what you’re working towards combats with your values and long-term aspirations, this may be a sign that the goal is not relevant to your overall purpose. If that’s the case it may be helpful to take a moment and examine what the cause of misalignment between the present goal and your mission is and perhaps, reassess and redefine your goal so they co-exist. This is not to say your goal should be attained without effort but rather your goal should reflect a true commitment what is important to us.
5: Is This Goal Time-Bound?
Deadlines can be helpful to keep us motivated and serve as a check in regarding our progress to keep us on track. For example, if I want to train for a marathon in a year, I’m more likely to meet this goal if I’m mindful of my deadline so I might come up with a monthly objective to increase my endurance and stamina. If I don’t hold myself accountable to a timeline I may be more likely to push off my workouts and my goal may slip further and further away from me. With this in mind, take a note of your goal and see if there is a realistic timeline to achieve your goal. As we said earlier, breaking a big goal into smaller parts can be very empowering. In this way setting deadlines for each smaller component can enhance our motivation even more by holding us accountable for checking in and keeping us invested consistently along the way.
6: Is There Anything That Could Get In The Way of Steps 1-5?
Life happens and sometimes we can’t anticipate what lies ahead. Our plans for achievement are not finite. We can be flexible in the steps we take to achieve success. So if there have been barriers or unforeseen disruptions in staying on track, give yourself permission to re-evaluate your plan to address these obstacles. Lastly, give yourself permission to adapt and, again, don’t forget to acknowledge the work you have already put in to grow.