Understanding Poor Boundaries

Poor boundaries can stem from a variety of factors, including childhood experiences, cultural influences, and personality traits. It is important to have a clear understanding of what constitutes a poor boundary in order to begin addressing the issue and creating healthier boundaries.
One common characteristic of poor boundaries is the inability to say "no." People with poor boundaries often struggle with setting limits and feel guilty or obligated to meet the demands of others, even if it compromises their own well-being. They may have a fear of disappointing others or fear the potential consequences of setting boundaries, such as conflict or rejection. As a result, they often find themselves taking on too much or sacrificing their own needs and desires for the sake of others.
Another characteristic of poor boundaries is difficulty in expressing personal thoughts, feelings, and desires. Individuals with poor boundaries may struggle to assert themselves or fear that their needs and opinions are not valid. They may prioritize the feelings and opinions of others over their own, leading to a lack of authenticity in their relationships.
Furthermore, poor boundaries can manifest in a blurred sense of self. Individuals with poor boundaries may have difficulty differentiating between their own emotions and those of others. They may take on the emotions of others and internalize them as their own, leading to confusion and a loss of personal identity. This can contribute to a lack of emotional resilience and an increased vulnerability to manipulation or exploitation by others.
Poor boundaries can also be influenced by societal and cultural norms that promote self-sacrifice and prioritization of others over oneself. In certain cultures or family dynamics, there may be an expectation to constantly put others first, which can reinforce poor boundary-setting patterns. Similarly, societal pressure to always be available, responsive, and accommodating can make it challenging for individuals to establish and maintain healthy boundaries.
Understanding these underlying factors can help individuals recognize their own patterns of poor boundaries and take steps towards healthier boundary-setting. It is important to remember that setting boundaries is not selfish or mean-spirited, but rather an essential aspect of self-care and maintaining healthy relationships. By developing a deeper understanding of the reasons behind poor boundaries, individuals can begin to challenge and change these patterns, ultimately improving their overall well-being and satisfaction in life.

The Effects of Poor Boundaries on Relationships

Poor boundaries can have a significant impact on our relationships. When we neglect to set healthy boundaries, it can lead to a range of issues that can strain our connections with others. Let's explore some of the effects that poor boundaries can have on our relationships.
First and foremost, poor boundaries can result in resentment and frustration within our relationships. When we consistently prioritize the needs and desires of others over our own, it can leave us feeling neglected and taken for granted. This can lead to a buildup of negative emotions that can eventually damage the relationship. Resentment can breed hostility and create a toxic dynamic where both parties feel unfulfilled and unhappy.
Additionally, poor boundaries can lead to a lack of authenticity in our relationships. When we constantly suppress our own thoughts, feelings, and desires in order to please others, we lose a sense of self. Our relationships become transactional, as we are more focused on meeting the expectations of others rather than expressing our true selves. This lack of authenticity can lead to a shallow and unfulfilling connection with others, as we are not fully showing up in the relationship.
Poor boundaries can also result in an imbalance of power within our relationships. When we consistently prioritize the needs of others, we inadvertently give away our own power and agency. This can lead to a dynamic where one person dominates the relationship, while the other feels powerless and voiceless. Imbalances of power can lead to resentment, resentment, and ultimately, the breakdown of the relationship.
Furthermore, poor boundaries can contribute to codependency in relationships. Codependency occurs when one person relies excessively on another for their emotional well-being and sense of self-worth. When we lack boundaries, we may find ourselves seeking validation and approval from others, rather than cultivating our own self-worth. This can lead to a cycle of dependence and an unhealthy dynamic within the relationship.
In summary, poor boundaries can have a detrimental impact on our relationships. They can lead to resentment, a lack of authenticity, imbalances of power, and codependency. It is important for us to recognize the negative effects of poor boundaries and take steps towards establishing healthier boundaries in our relationships. By setting clear limits and prioritizing our own needs, we can create a more balanced and fulfilling connection with others.

The Effects of Poor Boundaries on Work

Poor boundaries can have significant effects on our work lives, impacting not only our productivity and efficiency, but also our overall well-being and satisfaction in our jobs. When we neglect to set clear boundaries at work, it can lead to a range of negative consequences that can ultimately harm our career progression and job satisfaction.
One major effect of poor boundaries in the workplace is increased stress and burnout. When we fail to establish limits on our workload or take on responsibilities that are beyond our capacity, we can quickly become overwhelmed and exhausted. This can lead to feelings of chronic stress, fatigue, and ultimately burnout. Without clear boundaries, we may find ourselves constantly working late hours, sacrificing our personal time and self-care practices. This can have detrimental effects on our mental and physical health, as well as our overall job performance.
Another consequence of poor boundaries at work is a lack of work-life balance. When we do not set clear limits on our availability and prioritize our personal time and well-being, we can find ourselves constantly on the clock, unable to disconnect from work. This can negatively impact our relationships, as well as our ability to engage in activities and hobbies outside of work. Over time, this imbalance can lead to increased feelings of stress, dissatisfaction, and resentment towards our jobs.
Additionally, poor boundaries can impact our professional relationships and dynamics at work. When we fail to set boundaries with colleagues or superiors, we may find ourselves taking on tasks or projects that are not within our job description or that exceed our skillset. This can result in increased pressure and unrealistic expectations, leading to a decrease in our job satisfaction and confidence. Poor boundaries can also contribute to blurred lines of authority and power, making it challenging to navigate professional relationships and effectively communicate our needs and boundaries.
Furthermore, poor boundaries can hinder our career growth and development. When we consistently say yes to every task or opportunity that comes our way, we may find ourselves spreading ourselves too thin and not being able to fully commit to projects or initiatives that align with our goals and interests. This can limit our ability to take on new challenges and grow professionally. By setting clear boundaries and prioritizing our own career aspirations, we can create more opportunities for growth and advancement.

The Importance of Setting Boundaries for Self Care

Setting boundaries is essential for self-care and overall well-being. When we neglect to establish clear limits and boundaries in our lives, we run the risk of overextending ourselves, compromising our own needs and priorities, and ultimately experiencing burnout and dissatisfaction. It is crucial to recognize the importance of setting boundaries for our self-care and take proactive steps to establish and maintain them.
First and foremost, setting boundaries allows us to prioritize our own needs and well-being. When we have clear boundaries, we are able to identify and communicate our limits, which helps us protect our time, energy, and resources. By setting boundaries, we are saying to ourselves and others that our needs matter and deserve to be respected. This not only promotes self-care, but it also fosters a sense of self-worth and empowerment.
Furthermore, setting boundaries helps us maintain a healthy work-life balance. In today's fast-paced and demanding world, it can be easy to let work spill over into our personal lives, leaving little time for relaxation, leisure, and self-care activities. However, by setting boundaries, we can establish dedicated time for ourselves, our loved ones, and our personal pursuits. This promotes a sense of balance and prevents burnout, allowing us to recharge and be more present and engaged in all areas of our lives.
Setting boundaries also promotes healthy relationships. When we have clear limits and communicate them effectively, it sets the stage for respectful and mutually fulfilling interactions. Boundaries provide a framework for understanding expectations and limits, allowing us to establish healthy dynamics in our relationships. By setting and respecting boundaries, we can foster open and honest communication, cultivate trust and respect, and ensure that our relationships are built on a foundation of mutual understanding and support.
In addition, setting boundaries allows us to assert our personal values and priorities. Each of us has our own unique set of values and beliefs that guide our decisions and actions. By setting boundaries, we can align our actions with our values and ensure that we are living authentically. This promotes a sense of inner peace and fulfillment, as we are able to make choices that are true to ourselves and prioritize what truly matters to us.

3 Ways to Set Boundaries Without Guilt

Setting boundaries can be a challenging task for many of us, especially when it comes to saying no and prioritizing our own needs. However, it is crucial for our overall well-being and happiness. Here are three ways to set boundaries without guilt:

1. Practice self-compassion: It's important to remember that setting boundaries is not selfish or mean-spirited, but rather an act of self-care and self-respect. Start by acknowledging and validating your own needs and feelings. Give yourself permission to prioritize your well-being and happiness. Recognize that by setting boundaries, you are not only taking care of yourself, but also creating a healthier dynamic in your relationships. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself throughout the process.
2. Communicate assertively: When setting boundaries, it's important to communicate assertively and clearly. Express your needs, limits, and expectations in a direct and respectful manner. Use "I" statements to convey your feelings and needs, such as "I need some alone time tonight" or "I can't take on any more projects at the moment." Avoid apologizing excessively or over-explaining your boundaries. Remember that you have the right to set limits and it is not your responsibility to please everyone. Practice assertiveness in your communication and stay firm in your boundaries.
3. Practice self-care rituals: Setting boundaries is not only about saying no, but also about creating space for self-care and personal well-being. Establishing self-care rituals can help you prioritize yourself and recharge. Take time each day to engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Whether it's reading a book, going for a walk, practicing yoga, or taking a bubble bath, find what works best for you and make it a priority. By nurturing yourself, you are showing others that you value your own well-being, which can strengthen your boundaries.
   Remember that setting boundaries is a process and it may take time to establish and maintain them. It's natural to feel some guilt or discomfort initially, but remind yourself that you deserve to be respected and have your needs met. Surround yourself with supportive individuals who understand and respect your boundaries. Celebrate your progress and the positive impact that setting boundaries has on your overall well-being. With time and practice, setting boundaries without guilt will become easier and more natural, leading to healthier relationships and a happier, more fulfilled life.

If you need help putting yourself first, saying no and learning to take care of you without feelings of guilt, shame and/or anxiety- it may be time to seek some additional support. Our therapists can help you work through core beliefs like "I'm responsible", "I'm not good enough", "It's my fault" or "My feelings and needs do not matter". Most of us have struggled with those same thoughts and internal anxieties resulting form those thoughts at some point in our lives. We would love to help you get to a place where you feel comfortable in your own skin and confident in prioritizing what you need. Give our office a call or fill out a consultation form.

Sending Love & Light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

As a parent of a college-aged student, you may be feeling a mix of emotions: pride, excitement, and a little apprehension. With the transition to college comes newfound independence and a new set of challenges that can be difficult to navigate. Enter therapy for college students: an invaluable tool that can help your student address their common struggles as they transition into adulthood. In this blog post, we'll explore how therapy for college students can help overcome some of the most common challenges college students face, as well as ways to support your child during this exciting time.

The Challenge of Transitioning to College Life

The challenge of transitioning to college life can be daunting for many students. It marks a significant shift from the familiar routine of high school to a new environment filled with unfamiliar faces and expectations. The excitement and freedom that come with college can also bring about a great deal of anxiety and stress. For some students, this transition may lead to feelings of loneliness, homesickness, and even depression.
This is where therapy for college students can play a crucial role. Therapy provides a safe and supportive space for students to navigate these challenges and explore their thoughts and emotions. It can help students develop coping strategies, manage stress, and improve their overall well-being. Therapy for college students focuses on addressing the specific issues and struggles that arise during this period of transition, such as academic pressure, relationship challenges, and identity exploration.
By seeking therapy for college students, your child can gain valuable skills and insights that will not only help them navigate their college years but also serve them well throughout their lives. It provides an opportunity for personal growth, self-discovery, and building resilience. With the right support, college can be a transformative and fulfilling experience for your child, and therapy can be an invaluable tool to help them overcome the challenges they may face during this transition.

Common Struggles and Pain Points Faced by New College Students

New college students often face a variety of challenges and pain points as they navigate the transition into college life. One significant struggle is financial troubles. Many students find themselves overwhelmed by the cost of tuition, textbooks, and living expenses. These financial burdens can significantly impact their overall college experience. To overcome this challenge, students can establish a realistic budget and track their spending to gain better control over their finances. Additionally, exploring financial aid options, scholarships, or obtaining a part-time job can help ease the financial burden.
Another common struggle faced by college students is mental health issues. Almost half of college students experience symptoms of depression and anxiety, yet 75% of them are reluctant to seek help. Therapy for college students can provide the necessary support and guidance to address these mental health challenges. By seeking therapy, students can learn effective coping mechanisms and develop strategies to manage their mental well-being.
Time management is another area where new college students often struggle. With newfound freedom and a busy academic schedule, students may find it challenging to balance their time effectively. Creating daily, weekly, or monthly schedules, setting priorities, and avoiding procrastination can help students manage their time more efficiently and reduce stress.
Homesickness is another common pain point for college students, especially those who are living away from home for the first time. One effective way to overcome homesickness is to connect with new friends. Building relationships and finding a sense of community on campus can help ease feelings of loneliness and provide a support system.
Finally, finding a healthy balance between personal life, academic responsibilities, and social engagements can be a struggle for college students. Prioritization and setting boundaries are crucial in maintaining this balance. Therapy for college students can help students develop the necessary skills to prioritize their time effectively and set boundaries to maintain their mental and emotional well-being.

The Importance of Therapy for College Students

Therapy for college students is incredibly important for a variety of reasons. It provides a safe and supportive space for students to address their unique challenges and struggles during the transition to college life. One of the primary benefits of therapy is that it allows students to clarify and understand the specific problems they may be facing. By working with a therapist, college students can gain a clearer perspective on their situation and develop strategies for overcoming obstacles.
Additionally, therapy for college students can help manage anxiety, a common mental health issue among this age group. College can be a stressful time, and therapy offers tools and techniques to help students cope with anxiety and reduce its impact on their overall well-being. Through therapy, students can also improve personal skills, such as communication, problem-solving, and self-awareness, which are vital for success both in college and beyond.
Exploring opportunities for change is another crucial aspect of therapy for college students. It allows them to delve into their personal goals, values, and aspirations and identify areas where they want to grow and make positive changes. Therapy can also provide students with increased confidence as they learn and develop new skills and gain a deeper understanding of themselves.
Finally, therapy for college students can help in coping with depression, a common mental health challenge during the college years. With the guidance and support of a therapist, students can learn effective strategies for managing depression and developing healthy coping mechanisms.
Overall, therapy for college students is invaluable for addressing the specific challenges and struggles that arise during this transformative time. It provides a foundation for personal growth, resilience, and success both academically and personally. By seeking therapy, college students can gain the tools and insights they need to navigate the transition to college with confidence and well-being.

Ways Therapy Can Help with the Transition to College

1. Emotional Support: College can be overwhelming, and therapy provides a space where students can express their feelings and emotions without fear of judgment. A therapist can offer empathy, validation, and guidance to help students navigate the emotional rollercoaster that often comes with the transition to college.
2. Coping Strategies: Therapy equips college students with valuable coping strategies to deal with stress, anxiety, and other challenges they may face. Therapists can teach techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, and positive self-talk, which can help students manage their emotions and maintain their mental well-being.
3. Academic Support: College students often struggle with the increased academic demands and pressure. Therapy can provide valuable academic support by helping students develop effective study skills, time management techniques, and strategies for staying organized. By addressing academic challenges, therapy can help students feel more confident and successful in their studies.
4. Relationship Building: Therapy can assist students in developing healthy relationships and improving their social skills. A therapist can offer guidance on communication, conflict resolution, and boundary setting, which are essential skills for building meaningful connections and navigating the complexities of college friendships and romantic relationships.
5. Self-Exploration: College is a time of self-discovery and personal growth. Therapy provides an opportunity for students to explore their values, beliefs, goals, and identity. Through introspection and guidance from a therapist, college students can gain a better understanding of themselves, their strengths, and areas for personal growth.
   Overall, therapy for college students offers valuable support and tools to navigate the challenges and transitions of college life. It promotes emotional well-being, resilience, and personal growth, setting students up for success both in college and beyond.

How Parents Can Support Their Child Through This Transition

1. Encourage Open Communication: Maintain open lines of communication with your child and create a safe space for them to express their thoughts and feelings. Encourage them to talk about their college experiences, challenges, and successes. By being a supportive listener, you can help alleviate any stress or anxieties they may be feeling.
2. Normalize the Need for Support: Discuss the benefits of therapy with your child and emphasize that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Encourage them to explore therapy for college students as a resource to navigate their challenges. Offer to help them research and find a therapist who specializes in college student issues.
3. Provide Practical Support: Assist your child in finding resources such as therapy centers or counseling services on or near campus. Offer to help with logistics, such as scheduling appointments or transportation if needed. By providing practical support, you show your child that you are invested in their well-being.
4. Promote Self-Care: Encourage your child to prioritize self-care activities that promote mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Encourage them to engage in activities they enjoy, such as exercise, hobbies, or spending time with friends. Remind them of the importance of taking breaks, getting enough sleep, and practicing stress management techniques.
5. Be a Source of Emotional Support: College can be a time of uncertainty and change, and your child may experience ups and downs. Be available to offer emotional support, whether through phone calls, video chats, or in-person visits. Validate their feelings, offer encouragement, and remind them that they have your unwavering support.
   By providing support and encouraging your child to seek therapy for college students, you can help them navigate the challenges of college life and promote their overall well-being. Remember, your role as a parent during this transition is crucial, and your support can make a significant difference in your child's college experience. If you live in New York State and would like to provide your child with the support of a therapist to assist in their transition fill out a consultation form or give our office a call at 631-503-1539.

Sending Love & Light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

Therapy is a powerful tool to help individuals achieve inner peace and calm. In our modern lives, it can be difficult to find ways to manage stress and anxiety that can leave us feeling overwhelmed. Through therapy, it is possible to unlock inner calm and find ways to cope with the pressures of life. This blog post will explore how therapy can be an effective way to reduce stress and promote overall well-being.

The Importance of Inner Calm

n today's fast-paced and stressful world, finding inner peace and calm is more crucial than ever. Inner calm is not just a luxury; it is a necessity for our mental and emotional well-being. When we are constantly overwhelmed and anxious, it takes a toll on our health and happiness.

This is where therapy can play a significant role in helping us achieve that much-needed inner calm. Therapy provides a safe and supportive environment where we can explore our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. It helps us gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and the root causes of our anxiety and stress.

Through therapy, we can learn various techniques and strategies to manage our emotions and find peace within ourselves. These techniques can range from mindfulness and meditation practices to cognitive-behavioral therapy and relaxation exercises. Therapists are trained to provide guidance and support, tailoring their approach to the specific needs and preferences of each individual.

Inner calm is not just about the absence of stress or external challenges. It is about cultivating a sense of balance, tranquility, and resilience in the face of life's ups and downs. Therapy can help us develop coping mechanisms, improve self-awareness, and reframe negative thought patterns that contribute to our inner turmoil.

Prioritizing our mental health and seeking therapy is an act of self-care and self-love. It is an investment in our overall well-being and our ability to navigate life's challenges with grace and resilience. So, if you find yourself constantly overwhelmed or struggling to find inner peace, therapy can be the stepping stone towards unlocking the calm you deserve.

How Therapy Can Help

One of the key ways that therapy can help is by providing individuals with the opportunity to gain insight into the root causes of their stress and anxiety. Through open and honest conversations with a therapist, clients can explore past experiences, trauma, or negative patterns of thinking that may be contributing to their lack of inner peace. This deeper understanding can be the first step towards healing and finding inner calm.

Additionally, therapy offers individuals coping mechanisms and strategies to manage their stress and anxiety in a healthy way. A therapist can provide practical tools and techniques to help individuals regulate their emotions, manage stress, and find a sense of peace amidst life's challenges. These skills can be invaluable in maintaining a state of inner calm even when faced with difficult situations.

Therapy also offers individuals a space for self-reflection and personal growth. In therapy, individuals have the opportunity to explore their values, beliefs, and goals, and align them with their actions and choices. This self-awareness and alignment can contribute to a sense of inner peace and fulfillment.

Moreover, therapy can provide individuals with the support and encouragement they need to navigate the ups and downs of life. A therapist acts as a compassionate and nonjudgmental listener, offering validation and guidance as individuals work towards finding their inner calm. This support can make a significant difference in an individual's journey towards inner peace.

Ultimately, therapy is a powerful tool for unlocking inner calm. Through gaining insight, learning coping mechanisms, fostering self-reflection, and receiving support, individuals can find the peace they long for. If you are struggling with anxiety, stress, or a lack of inner peace, therapy can be a transformative step towards a more fulfilling and calm life. Don't hesitate to reach out and seek the help you deserve.

Different Therapeutic Approaches for Finding Calm

In the pursuit of inner peace and tranquility, therapy can serve as a valuable tool for individuals looking to unlock their inner calm. Understanding the importance of the mind-body connection in learning to regulate your nervous system is essential in this journey. One therapeutic approach that has gained recognition for its effectiveness in finding calm is somatic-based therapy.

Somatic-based therapy emphasizes the connection between the mind and the body. It recognizes that unresolved emotional experiences can manifest as physical sensations and tension in the body. Through techniques such as body awareness, breathing exercises, and gentle movement, somatic-based therapy aims to release this stored tension, allowing individuals to achieve a greater sense of calm and well-being.

One of the key aspects of somatic-based therapy is resolving the disconnect between what you logically know and how you feel in your body. Often, we may understand intellectually that we should be calm and at peace, but our body may still feel tense and anxious. Somatic-based therapy works to bridge this gap by helping individuals become more attuned to their bodily sensations and providing tools to release any emotional or physical tension.

Ultimately, therapy offers a variety of therapeutic approaches for individuals seeking to find calm. Whether it be somatic-based therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness-based approaches, or others, therapy can provide the guidance and support needed to navigate the path towards inner calm and peace. By addressing both the mind and the body, therapycan help individuals develop strategies to regulate their nervous system and cultivate a sense of tranquility in their everyday lives.

Overcoming Barriers to Achieving Inner Calm

Achieving inner calm is often easier said than done. We live in a fast-paced world filled with constant demands and distractions, making it challenging to find peace within ourselves. However, therapy can provide invaluable support in overcoming the barriers that prevent us from achieving inner calm.

One of the most common barriers to inner calm is stress. The demands of work, relationships, and everyday life can quickly become overwhelming, leaving us feeling anxious and restless. Therapy offers a safe space to explore and address the underlying causes of stress, helping us develop coping mechanisms and stress reduction techniques.

Another barrier is unresolved trauma or past experiences that continue to impact our present lives. Therapy provides an opportunity to process and heal from these wounds, freeing us from the burden they create and enabling us to find peace within ourselves.

Additionally, negative thought patterns and self-doubt can hinder our ability to experience inner calm. Through therapy, we can identify and challenge these thoughts, replacing them with more positive and empowering beliefs. Therapists can teach us cognitive-behavioral techniques and mindfulness practices that help us manage negative thoughts and cultivate inner peace.

Finally, lack of self-care and prioritization can also be barriers to achieving inner calm. Therapy can help us recognize the importance of self-care and provide guidance on setting healthy boundaries and practicing self-compassion.

Tips for Incorporating Calming Techniques Into Everyday Life

In our fast-paced and chaotic world, finding inner-peace and calm can sometimes feel like an elusive goal. However, by incorporating calming techniques into our everyday lives, we can create a sense of tranquility that can greatly improve our overall well-being. Therapy can provide the tools and support needed to unlock this inner calm and learn to manage stress in a healthier way.

One technique that has been proven effective in cultivating calm is meditation and mindfulness practices. Taking just a few minutes each day to sit in silence and focus on your breath can do wonders for your mental and emotional state. It allows you to connect with the present moment and let go of worries or anxieties.

Another powerful technique for regulating your nervous system and promoting calm is deep breathing exercises. By taking slow, deep breaths and focusing on your breath entering and leaving your body, you can activate your body's relaxation response and reduce stress levels. Simple techniques like inhaling for a count of four, holding for four, and exhaling for four can be done anywhere, anytime.

Incorporating wind-down time before bed is another valuable habit to develop. By creating a bedtime routine that includes activities such as reading, taking a warm bath, or practicing relaxation exercises, you can help your body learn to settle and calm itself before sleep. This can greatly improve the quality of your sleep and contribute to a greater sense of inner-peace.

If you are craving more peace and tranquility in your life please give our office a call or fill out a consultation form. We'd love to help you achieve more calm, peace and joy in your life.

Sending Love & Light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

What is urge-surfing?

We have all been there in one way or another. We feel overwhelmed by an intense emotion and want to break down or explode. Maybe we feel engulfed by an oncoming panic attack. Or perhaps we want to smoke a cigarette or vape pen, or try to calm down with some weed and alcohol. Whatever the reason and the resulting behavior, all these examples and more are driven by intense emotions that feed into a lack of impulse control and the need to give in to urges.

I get it. It can feel exhausting and challenging not to just give in. For instance, when we feel stressed, we may have the urge to eat right out of the Ben & Jerry’s carton or to pour a glass of wine. We may feel the urge to say something cruel to someone or to yell at them. Maybe we get cut off in traffic and want to pursue the driver. We may want to even hurt ourselves.

Our urges and impulses have reasons behind them, but these reasons are not justifications to act on them. It is our responsibility to ourselves to learn how to effectively, healthfully cope.

One way to learn to control impulses and urges is called urge-surfing, a distress tolerance skill from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Simply put, urge-surfing is about “riding the wave” of an urge by controlling your impulse control. It is a mental trick. We are conditioned to think that the longer we resist the urge the more powerful it seems to become, much like a wave builds up to the crest before breaking down into the trough. However, if you surrender yourself to an urge, it trains our brains to think that the surrender is the one and only way to grant us psychological relief. This is not true. While an urge can feel like it is long-lasting and is getting stronger, the truth is that most pass within five to ten minutes. Just like a wave, it will dissipate.

Yes, I know, this is easier said than done. I fully admit trying to stop an urge can sound hard, maybe even impossible. If you have ever dared yourself to swim directly against a wave in the ocean, you know full well it can suck all the energy out of you. You may even fear getting caught in the undertow and swept out to sea. However, if you swim along the side of the wave, you can safely avoid much of its strength which in turn will let it break down with less force. Thus, applying the wave metaphor to our emotions makes sense.

How do I urge-surf?

The urge-surfing process is customizable. Play around with it until you find a pattern that works best for you! However, in general, it goes in the following sequence:

1. Stop. Take a breath in. Notice and acknowledge you are having an urge.

2. Pay attention to the emotions and thoughts you are experiencing, while picking up cues from the situation too. There is no need to try to change, drown out, or avoid them. It may all feel very unpleasant, even uncomfortable, but that is to be expected.

3. Tell yourself the following mantas. Some can be changed to your specific issues:
- “It is okay and normal to feel discomfort.”
- “It is not weird or wrong to have urges. All people have them. They come from having desires, wants, habits and addictions.”
- “An urge is a want, not a need. I need food. I do not need it to be a slice of chocolate cake.”
- “I can still have the chocolate cake, but I can save it for later. It does not need to be right now.”
- “To have an urge is out of my control. What is in my control is deciding not to act on it!”
- “All urges are short-lived and temporary. They will pass. I can get through them.”

Urge-surfing can also be helpful in preventing anxious feelings from evolving into panic attacks. You may try a mantra such as, “a panic attack can be scary, but I can recognize it before it hits its peak. I can do something like deep breathing to avoid it from becoming a full-blown panic attack.”

Above all, remember… you are in control. It is true you cannot prevent an urge from arising, but you do have the power to not act on the urge.

How urge-surfing helps with nicotine withdrawal

Urge-surfing is something I frequently teach to clients who are trying to quit smoking/vaping. I do this through two parts.

First, I educate my clients that nicotine withdrawal reaches its peak at around 72 hours or 3 days. If we figure the average person sleeps for 8.5 hours, that comes out to 25.5 hours the urge to smoke/vape is eliminated. Now add in other factors that can prevent the behavior. If you have a typical 8-hour workday, that is 24 more hours you cannot smoke (I did not add in breaks because this varies by state laws and businesses). Those two activities alone come out to 49.5 hours you cannot smoke/vape, so you only need to figure out solutions to the remaining 22.5 hours! You can then plug in other additional activities that can prevent you from being able to smoke/vape, such as time for hobbies and interests, meals, social situations where it is unacceptable (i.e., restaurants, watching your child play soccer, etc.).

Second, I tell my clients that as a further motivational tool to keep them from giving into the urge, they can replace their “smoke times” with other tasks that provide distraction. In your case, think about how long it takes for you to smoke or vape. This is probably 5 to 10 minutes; thus, you need to find a replacement behavior for that 5-to-10-minute time frame. For example, if you like to have a cigarette the first thing in the morning and that takes 6 minutes for you, you only need to distract yourself with anything else for 6 minutes. This could be a guided meditation, quick yoga session, giving more time to enjoy your breakfast, putting extra effort into your hair and make-up, reading the news, or even browsing social media (although for this last one I suggest you exercise caution because social media can also be an addiction).

Obviously, urge-surfing can work for other addictions too. I also suggest urge-surfing for other problematic behaviors such as self-injury.

How urge-surfing can prevent arguments

Urge-surfing is a key tool to help prevent arguments. Think back on a time you felt hurt, offended, or angry at a friend or family member. You may have screamed at them or said something callous to feel better… and yes it made you feel powerful at the time, but it came with consequences, right? Perhaps you were later plagued with guilt. Even worse, the person may have stopped talking to you and you were fearful your relationship with them had ended. As you reflect on the incident, you recognize that there could had been a good outcome if you responded differently to the person – even if they were in the wrong.

When it comes to interpersonal conflicts, urge-surfing can work by having you pause to consider the consequences of acting on the urge to scream and so on. You can stop to notice how you think and feel, remind yourself that the emotion is temporary but the urge may have permanent bad results, and decide how to proceed (this is a DBT skill called “STOP”; detailed here). You can also think of ways you can distract yourself in the moment, such as with these DBT distress tolerance skills. Or you could tell the person, “I feel myself getting angry and wanting to say something I don’t mean, so I am going to walk away right now. Please give me space so I can calm down.” 

Journaling as a method to urge-surf

Finally, you may find it beneficial to journal about your urges as they relate to your impulses, thoughts, emotions, and experiences. There is something liberating about writing down your innermost issues; it serves as an emotional, cognitive, and spiritual release from the pain. Journaling can tap into your inner wisdom by having you make connections about why giving into an urge can be harmful. Furthermore, journaling can let you come up with solutions about how to get through the problem in a healthy way. It can also let you think of what could happen if you continue to surrender to the urge (i.e., chronic alcohol use can lead to cirrhosis). 

Final thoughts

In summary, urge-surfing is important because it teaches us that an urge will lessen in its intensity as time passes. At the peak of an urge, it can feel like our discomfort will consume us unless we act on it to quell it. However, by doing that it only conditions us to have to act on it no matter what, which ironically makes it stronger. Instead, remind yourself that all urges will pass, decrease in frequency as you become more skilled, and that all you are the master of your actions.

Celebrate your victories when you urge-surf to get through a situation. See it as a reminder you are in self-control.

As you become better at learning to control yourself by not giving in to urges, your brain will adapt to these newfound changes. This will make it far easier to resist the pressure of surrendering to urges throughout the rest of your life!

- Valerie Smith, LMSW

The importance of therapy for therapists cannot be overstated. As those who provide counseling to others, therapists often carry a heavy burden of stress and emotional exhaustion from their work. It is essential that therapists take the time to nurture their own mental and emotional wellbeing through therapy so that they can continue to provide care to their clients. In this blog post, we will explore the vital role of therapy for therapists and why it should be part of every counselor's self-care routine.

Why do counselors need counseling?

Counselors are often seen as pillars of strength, equipped with the tools to help their clients navigate through the difficult challenges of life. However, it's important to remember that counselors are not immune to life's stressors. They, too, can face challenges that can be overwhelming, both personally and professionally.

Counselors face ethical dilemmas when dealing with clients, and it can be difficult to navigate these situations without a sounding board to provide support and guidance. Furthermore, it can be challenging to not be able to share work-related stress with friends or spouses, who may not fully understand the unique challenges of being a counselor.

Counselors also often work in isolation, which can contribute to feelings of loneliness and disconnection. They may be unable to share their personal lives with clients, as they must remain neutral and impartial at all times. Additionally, counselors cannot refuse to serve difficult clients, which can take a toll on their emotional and mental well-being.

For these reasons, therapy for therapists is not only beneficial but necessary. Counseling provides a safe and supportive environment for counselors to process their own challenges, work through any issues that may impact their work, and develop coping strategies to manage stress and prevent burnout.

In summary, counselors are not immune to the stresses of life, and the nature of their work can make them susceptible to professional challenges that can affect their well-being. Seeking therapy for therapists is essential to maintaining the emotional and mental health of counselors, and ultimately, ensures that they can provide the best care for their clients.

How can counselors benefit from therapy?

Even though therapists are trained to manage their own mental health, they can still benefit from therapy for therapists. The demands of the job can take a toll on counselors, and having a dedicated space to process and receive support can be invaluable. 

Therapy for therapists can provide a unique level of comfort and understanding from a colleague who understands the unique challenges of the field. This can be especially important in a job where counselors are constantly supporting and holding space for their clients, sometimes leaving little room for them to receive the same level of care and attention.

Additionally, therapy can provide neutral feedback to help therapists maintain good insight and self-care. It can be difficult to recognize when we are experiencing burnout or struggling with our own mental health, and having an outside perspective can help therapists maintain a healthy work-life balance.

Furthermore, therapy gives therapists dedicated time and space to manage their own issues, just like their clients get from them. It can be easy to neglect our own needs when we are constantly focused on our clients, but prioritizing our own mental health can ultimately make us better practitioners and role models for our clients.

Overall, therapy for therapists can provide valuable support and tools to help counselors navigate the unique demands of the job while maintaining their own mental health and well-being. If you are a counselor who could benefit from therapy, there are many resources available to help you fill your cup.

How can individual therapy make someone a better practitioner?

As therapists, most of us have gone into this field because we have experienced some form of struggle or challenge ourselves. We want to help others who may be going through similar situations. However, our ideal clients tend to have issues that resonate with our own past experiences, which can trigger our own unresolved emotions and issues.

This is why therapy for therapists is so crucial. If we're not actively working on our own growth and negative patterns, we're more likely to get caught up in the same feelings of hopelessness that our clients are experiencing. This can make it difficult for us to effectively challenge our clients and help them solve their problems because, let's face it, we're not working on ours either.

By regularly engaging in individual therapy, we can work on our own growth and development. We can process our own issues and triggers, so they don't get in the way of helping our clients. When we work on ourselves as individuals, we're less likely to be triggered by our clients' issues and more likely to be fully present with them.

Ultimately, therapy for therapists is essential for becoming a better practitioner. When we prioritize our own personal growth and development, we can provide better care to our clients and help them achieve their goals. So, if you're a therapist, don't neglect your own needs - seek out therapy for therapists and fill your own cup.

Where to go if you need to fill your cup

If you're a therapist looking for therapy, the first step is to acknowledge that seeking help doesn't make you any less of a professional. It's important to take care of your mental health and well-being so that you can provide the best possible care to your clients.

Finding the right therapist can be a daunting task, but there are resources available that specialize in therapy for therapists. These services are designed specifically to support mental health professionals and help them navigate the unique challenges that come with the job.

At Long Island EMDR, we offer therapy for therapists to help our colleagues in the mental health industry maintain their own mental health and well-being. We understand that therapists face many stressors and emotional burdens in their work, which is why we provide a safe space for you to explore your own feelings and challenges.

We offer free consultations to help you find the right therapist that is the best fit for you. Our team of highly trained therapists will work with you to understand your unique needs and help you develop a personalized treatment plan that addresses your specific concerns.

Remember, therapy for therapists is not a sign of weakness, but rather a testament to your dedication to your clients and your commitment to providing the best possible care. Don't hesitate to schedule a consultation with us to see how we can help you on your journey to healing and self-care.

Sending Love & Light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

For years, social media platforms such as TikTok and Instagram have been at the forefront of the self-care movement. This is spearheaded by influencers who are sipping a green smoothie after a morning jog or workout at the gym, and of course there is time for morning meditation in there too. Or reworded… “nothing beats a #greensmoothie after my #dailymorningjog and #dailymorningworkout, and let’s not forget my #morningmeditation!” Or there is the opposite – the influencers who somehow have the endless money to always travel to exotic destinations to dine on the local foods, indulge in the wines, and take in vermilion sunsets with the hashtags “#justbreathe” or “#enjoylife” as if they think the average person can do so whenever they please. At times, I feel happy and inspired by what gets posted, but more often I feel just annoyed. Jealousy? Nope. It’s for a different reason altogether.

I have been employed in the mental health field since 2014, serving as a licensed social worker since 2020. During that time, I have had the honor of working with people with persistent, severe mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, caregivers of those with terminal disease, people battling debilitating conditions, and adults who have suffered from complex trauma. For some of us, the “Instagram/Tiktok-worthy” type of self-help is not enough – or even doable. Social media can preach about self-help all day (hell, what even is self-help?), but the associated culture is judgmental and privileged, even toxic.

Let me share with you this wisdom:

You are not failing yourself if you have more cookies than intended, can’t find the motivation to go to the gym today, or forgot to do your hot yoga. You are human. Some days, weeks, and months are simply harder than others.

The true pathway to self-help is self-compassion and self-forgiveness.

Genuine self-care does not need to meet the standards for social media. Even though I appear quite glamorous in my professional photographs and my clients always see me with my make-up done, that is not me every day. On days off, I do indeed wear an oversized tee shirt with sweatpants, bare-faced and with unbrushed hair, and that’s okay.

It's the little things...

I live with chronic medical conditions. Sometimes my self-care requires me to stretch my neck so far to the right I look like a freakish creature in a Stephen King film, which I learned after physical therapy is the most natural way to treat my radiculopathy and cervical disc degeneration. I also have hypothyroidism and anemia, so my self-care consists of blood draws, levothyroxine, and iron supplements.

Self-care in practice

Self-care means to force myself to step away from my desk to get in a stretch when I can feel pain or numbness beginning to radiate through my spine, the indicator that I have been sitting in place for too long. And yes, this can mean my break is spent caring for myself, not necessarily replying to text messages and emails right away (although I will say I’m good at that). Self-care means I let myself have dinner at an appropriate hour on some weeknights, a simple pleasure I neglected for years as a therapist because that is “prime time” for therapy clients. Self-care requires I set down boundaries with my loved ones, letting them know that I cannot stop everything I’m doing to satisfy their needs and wants no matter what.

Do you!

So stop being hard on yourself. It is okay to mess up. Embrace being perfectly imperfect. Listen to your intuition to guide you in what defines “self-help” for you. Who cares if it isn’t sexy? If you need help identifying ways to take care of you, setting boundaries with others so you can take care of you or asking others for support- we would love to help you on that journey. Contact our office today.

-Valerie Smith, LMSW

We’ve all been there. We feel distressed, burdened by too many symptoms, and turn to Google with the hope of learning our ailment. We know “don’t go on WebMD” but do it anyway, and soon enough our somewhat mild anxiety spirals downward into the worst-case scenario; that catastrophic condition. We attribute a headache to an aneurysm, a persistent cough to lung cancer, or chest pain to a heart attack. Sometimes this investigative work is a good idea --  it may be that there is in fact a serious medical problem, and now that you are aware you are seeking immediate medical attention. There are times, too, where researching mental disorders can be beneficial as well if it warrants the desire to get a professional diagnosis, thus allowing for treatment.

However, as the mental health crisis among American youth intensifies, more are utilizing the internet for information rather than turning to trusted people in the past, such as health teachers. They are seeking out answers on social media platforms, particularly TikTok, to self-diagnosis with severe mental health problems. The video-makers may have no training or education in psychopathology, and even if they do, the viewers may not understand the subtle differences that come with formal diagnosis.

Social media-based psycho-education

Until somewhat recently, I was overall in favor of social media-based psychoeducation. And even now, I still do think this platform for psychoeducation has its purposes… but when done right. There are some clinicians who pioneered it, such as Kati Morton, LMFT, a well-recognized therapist on YouTube who has made dozens of relevant, accurate, well-researched videos on everything from coping skills to bereavement, generalized anxiety disorder to schizoid personality disorder. You name it, Kati has a video. And with over 15 years of impressive clinical experience, she knows her stuff!

But times have changed. Suddenly, the clinicians like Kati are not getting the ratings they once did. No longer considered viral, their approach to psychoeducation is now considered dry, boring, and just too long. Some youth do not want to watch 15 minutes of a clinician explaining every symptom of a disorder in the DSM-5 and getting into the nuances. They would prefer to see borderline personality disorder or schizophrenia explained by anyone – anyone – in a mere 15 to 30 seconds.

Concerns As I See Them...

One of the greatest concerns is when questioning who is explaining these diagnoses to youth. Often it is a person with a casual interest in psychopathology who bought a copy of the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, the bible of psychiatric diagnoses) and read through it. The problem is that the DSM-5 was never meant to be used as the one and only source of information on mental disorders, but only as a reference for clinicians. It is much like holding onto a textbook from a college biology class – sure, the text will provide reliable, accurate information, but it is not meant to be considered the only source for knowledge. Much like it would be wrong to call oneself a biologist for having read one book on the subject, so too is it wrong to act like a clinician for reading the DSM-5.

Diagnosis is an artform as much as it is a science. It is taught through knowledge, then refined through experience and keen observation. Like it takes a pianist years of practicing the piano rather than only reading music theory, it is the same as a clinician. Practice is paramount.

You may be thinking, “I get what you’re trying to say, but surely, it’s not that big of a deal, right? I mean, it’s not like psychotherapists are diagnosing something like cancer. And it doesn’t seem like therapists really know all that much.”

In short, it takes a long time to be considered a mental health professional. The process varies by the profession itself, but for the purpose of this writing, let us examine the journey from a social work student up to a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW). 

So you think someone on TikTok knows more than a licensed professional? Consider the following…

To be recognized as a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) in New York State, which allows a person to diagnose, assess, and treat a mental disorder, one must have completed the following in this order:

1) Have an education that includes a master’s degree in social work (MSW), not a similar degree, with at least 12 semester hours of clinical coursework acceptable to the New York State Education Department (NYSED). The MSW must from a school accredited by the Council on Social Work Education (CSWE).

2) Next, pass a standardized, costly exam to become a licensed master social worker (LMSW). **A LMSW is unable to diagnose or treat a mental disorder unless under direct supervision.

3) After, accumulate at least 3 years of post-MSW supervised experience in psychotherapy, diagnosis and assessment-based treatment planning acceptable to the NYSED. This supervisor must be the person’s employer (no “outside” supervisors), and the supervisor must be a LCSW, psychologist, or psychiatrist. The 3 years is considered 2,000 hours, but the person must still wait 3 years even if they gain the 2,000 hours first.

4) Complete additional trainings, such as the identification and reporting of child abuse.

5) Take the clinical social worker exam, another expensive standardized test.

6) After becoming a LCSW, the person must then complete 36 hours of acceptable formal continuing education during every 3-year registration period.

In other words, being able to truly comprehend the DSM-5 from reading up to practice is a long, lengthy journey!

Knowing this now, can you see why clinicians raise their eyebrows when a 16-year-old on TikTok is providing psychoeducation and self-diagnosing themselves?

Self-Diagnosis can be beneficial… Sometimes

As a clinician, I have witnessed an uptick in adolescents and young adults who have fallen into the self-diagnosis trap. This can be a good thing -- the newfound information can direct them toward getting professional help.

Additionally, turning to TikTok and social media in general can be psychologically positive for youth because it can remind them that they are not alone in their struggles. It can validate their experience by putting a label to it.

Self-Diagnosis can be harmful

Even though there can be benefits to self-diagnosis, it is a slippery slope. It may cause people to incorrectly diagnose themselves, which in turn can make them avoid a professional assessment and turn to the wrong treatments.

I can attest that during some intakes, clients have told me they terminated with their previous therapist and psychiatrist because they were in very strong disagreement with the diagnosis. (There is the occasional case where a diagnosis can in fact be wrong since unlike medicine, behavioral health is based on observation, not something black-and-white such as an MRI or bloodwork.)

TikTok and social media can provide false information since they do not tend to consider the subtleties of diagnosis and assessment. As I previously said, the time limits only allow for the symptoms to be bullet-listed at best. Yet even still, another alarming reason for the argument against self-diagnosis is due to biased self-perception – that is, we tend to think and believe differently about ourselves than what is observed, since it can be hard to have complete self-awareness.

Furthermore, diagnosis is further complicated by the fact that the same condition can present itself differently in a child, adolescent, or adult. Put simply, the same symptoms may not apply to every developmental stage or age bracket. To provide an example, it is considered premature and reckless to diagnose a 13-year-old suffering from mood swings with borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder. Rather, it must be considered that it is normal for a young adolescent to experience shifts in emotion. And there is a pediatric disorder to account for such mood swings in their most extreme form, known as disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD). Adolescent depression is another excellent example; its symptoms and presentation can be different from that witnessed in adult depression.

When it comes to diagnosis, therapists must consider the spectrum of experiences a person is experiencing, along with when they happen, the severity, and the duration. Mainly, how all these issues come together to impact someone in their daily living.

What to do if you’ve fallen into the self-diagnosis trap

First, this is nothing to be ashamed of! It is normal for people to want to learn more about themselves. Developing a core sense of identity is a developmental goal to achieve throughout adolescence and young adulthood, and with that desire comes introspection. You are not “odd” for wanting to discover yourself – you are doing exactly what you need to do.

But if you have turned to TikTok as the authority for anything on mental illness, and you have found yourself thinking “yep, I have this… and that… and that…” ask yourself, “so what is keeping me from a formal diagnosis from a clinician?” or “so why do I not trust in my clinician?”. Listen to your intuition. Dive deeper. Perhaps you are in denial about something suggested to you about yourself by your clinician. It could be you are fearful to know what a healthcare professional has determined. Maybe you find having a self-diagnosed condition makes you feel included into a part of a community; it brings words to your experience. Whatever the reason, you are not at fault. You are only trying to make sense of things.

But maybe, just maybe, consider that TikTok should be for entertainment purposes only – not the replacement for professional help! If you are ready to seek help from a licensed professional our team would love to assist you. Contact us today.

- Valerie Smith, LMSW

Do you have that pesky voice in your head constantly shutting you down? Maybe you hear it say, “be a man”; “just do better”; “suck it up and deal”; “talking about your feelings makes you weak”; or “dude, no one wants to hear about your problems, just push through”. Seems familiar? 

You are not alone. Men across multiple cultures to include the United States of America are constantly told to bottle up their emotions and not talk about their feelings because vulnerability is seen as weakness. This is not only a cultural norm, but something that families instill in young boys growing up, in professional career settings, and in interpersonal relationships throughout our lives. But it’s all bullshit. If you want to know the truth, allowing yourself the space and strength to be vulnerable and discuss what you are going through makes you a man with courage; the courage to help yourself when you need to in a healthy way. 

The defining stereotyped image of whats makes someone a “man” includes expectations to use aggression (verbal and/or physical)  to solve their problems, suppressing emotions and never talking about their problems, isolating themselves and withdrawing (“because no one wants to hear your problems”), expected to be effortlessly attractive and/or in shape, value sexual conquests over emotional intimacy, homophobia, and be tough/intimidate others to get their way and/or defend themselves. 

Because our culture tells us that men should just sit down and shut up about their vulnerabilities, this often leads to self-destructive means of coping in men. Whether that be alcohol and/or substance misuse or abuse; or sabotaging personal and/or professional relationships with terrible communication skills and next to no problem solving abilities.

According to Benita N. Chatmon, PhD, MSN, RN, CNE, “Depression and suicide are ranked as a leading cause of death among men. Six million men are affected by depression in the United States every single year. Men (79% of 38,364) die by suicide at a rate four times higher than women (Mental Health America [MHA], 2020). They also die due to alcohol-related causes at 62,000 in comparison to women at 26,000. Men are also two to three times more likely to misuse drugs than women (Center for Behavioral Health Statistics and Quality, 2017). These statistics are troubling because they reinforce the notion that males are less likely to seek help and more likely than women to turn to dangerous, unhealthy behaviors.” (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7444121/)

So, how can we help challenge the negative stereotypes men are expected to live up to? How do we break the stigma so that men can achieve the felt safety in asking for help from others, whether that be trusted loved ones or professionals?

First, it is essential to normalize the idea of seeking mental health treatment. When we have a medical condition like Diabetes or Hypertension, there's no shame in going to the doctor and/or dietitian for guidance and/or medication management. So, why should there be shame in seeking out help for issues like Depression, Anxiety, or Trauma? I feel that the reason this happens all too often is that we can’t just look inside the brain anytime we want to see what’s going on from a chemical or physiological standpoint. So, because we can’t physically see and/or measure exactly whats going on or why we feel the way we do, it becomes stigmatized as “a figment of our imagination” or “over-exaggerating”. This is beyond infuriating because mental health concerns are just as legitimate and can potentially become just as, if not more devastating than some medical conditions. 

In my career, I’ve seen lives destroyed by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychosis, Depression, and Anxiety. Although such conditions don’t always lead to debilitation and/or significant decrease in functioning, they sometimes do and this is pathologized by cultural norms in America, especially for men. As noted above, men are expected to sit down and shut up, and not talk about their feelings because…”who cares, just deal and push through”.

In addition to normalizing the idea of seeking help, it is also important to be able to talk with trusted loved ones about what you are going through. Also, find ways to educate yourself about your mental health issues, maybe even do your homework about what condition you’ve been diagnosed with and what to expect in therapy. A wonderful resource for learning more general information about mental health diagnoses and treatments is National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). Please see the link for their main website listed here. https://nami.org/Home. Talk with your mental health provider openly about your diagnosis, what to expect in treatment, and any negative feelings that come with attending therapy. Your therapist is there to help. Try to use the time and calm space in therapy sessions to explore the negative stigmas around men seeking mental health care and how this has affected you and your relationships to yourself, others, and the world. This helps the therapist understand your world and your experience so that they can provide the appropriate tools to help. It is also beneficial to outreach others who are having the same or similar experiences as you; this can build compassion for others and feeling more understood and grounded in knowing that you are not alone. 

Men, just know that we all have baggage and you are not broken. You deserve to have the felt safety of seeking mental health care and addressing the concerns you have in a productive and healthy way. 

- Jackie Martinez, LMSW (NY), LCSW (NC)

According to a study conducted by the insurance company Lemonade, 7 out of 10 American households have at least one pet. Pets are considered beneficial for mental health, providing companionship, emotional support, and entertainment. Furthermore, as is stated by the National Institutes of Health, pets are also found to improve human health by decreasing cortisol levels, lowering blood pressure, and improving mood.

If you are reading this article, chances are you are grieving the death or absence of a beloved pet, or you have learned your pet is terminal. Maybe there is something else going on. If not, you may be doing research to help someone who is going through such experiences. Whatever your reason for being here right now, I think we can all agree the key importance of pets in our lives cannot be dismissed.

We have all heard (or made) the statement, “that animal got me through a dark, bad time in my life.” I vividly recall my dachshund, Sierra, who I adopted only a few months after the death of my mother. While I knew she could not replace my mother, her unconditional love did help to fill the heavy void within my heart. As a dog with special needs (she was born with microphthalmia, which affected her vision) and me as a human broken by despair, we helped each other. Indeed, Sierra was my best friend.

Sadly, Sierra is no longer here, but I will never forget the bond we shared.

The therapist/writer, Valerie, with Sierra.

When we consider the comfort, joy, and support given to us by pets, it makes sense why losing them can be devastating to our psyches. For some of us, our pets are closer to us than our own family members and friends – and indeed, they are our family members, repairing the wounds we suffered from others. Pets can offer the connection we need to remind ourselves we are loved. Simply think of the last time your dog ran to greet you as you came through the front door or your cat snuggled and purred on your lap.

Grieving a pet after euthanasia (being “put down”)

For some people, one of the most painful, difficult decisions they will ever need to make is to allow their beloved pet to be euthanized or “put down.” Euthanasia is frequently the merciful decision if the animal’s prognosis is poor. However, the realization of knowing you made a critical decision regarding your pet’s health and life can result in guilt, thus intensifying the grief process. You may swarm yourself with the “what-if” thoughts, such as, “should I have got a second opinion from another veterinarian?” or “is it at all possible the veterinarian was wrong and more could’ve been done?” or “did my cat even really want to die despite her being so sick?”

Unlike humans, who can help prepare for their demise through completing advanced directives, pets are incapable of making their own decisions. Thus, it is not surprising that devoted pet owners may feel complex emotions about if they did the right thing.

Grieving a pet due to an accident

A few years ago, I scheduled for my cats to be spayed. Since this was a routine procedure and my cats were seemingly healthy, I had expected nothing catastrophic to happen. Instead, I figured my cats would be fine, and that I was doing the right thing by helping control the excessive cat overpopulation. Luna recovered well. Tragically, though, my lovely dilute calico Maine Coon mix, Starla, died from the anesthesia. Post-mortem, the veterinarian discovered she had a hereditary form of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, which is relatively common in the breed. I was devastated, shocked, and angry. I never thought trying to be a responsible pet owner would result in my cat’s untimely death.

In time, I realized Starla likely would’ve died young regardless due to her underlying condition. But in that tsunami of grief, it was difficult for me to think clearly. Rather, I thought there was an injustice.

Like my experience, some pet owners have complicated grief due to an accident that killed their pet. Whether this be a health-related issue like my Starla, or perhaps a beloved dog getting out and run over by a car, or a cat running away, such an unexpected event can complicate the grief process. They may also experience guilt or think they have failed their companion.

Starla as a young kitten, a few months before the veterinary procedure.

Grieving a pet due to surrender/rehoming and other such reasons

A final form of grief over a pet is not due to death at all, but rather in instances that an owner needs to make the difficult decision to rehome their pet. This can be for a myriad of reasons. Perhaps their animal is aggressive and thus unsafe around the children. Maybe someone in the home is ill, requiring much care, and stretching resources thin for the caregiver. Or perhaps the pet owner is experiencing unforeseen circumstances, such as job loss, eviction, or other life-changing events. The person could have become disabled and realized they do not have the ability to care for something dependent on them. Whatever the reason, the person has made the decision to give up their pet.

This type of grief presents its own challenges. Like the other two types, there is guilt, but it can be even more severe because it can be coupled with a sense of betrayal. Furthermore, such owners are also stigmatized by others, such as animal shelters’ social media pages that can portray them to have no justified excuse whatsoever to surrender their animal. This type of loss often is faced in secrecy because the owner is afraid to admit the reason behind what happened, aware they may be shunned for the violation of a social norm.

Whatever the reason for the pet loss, it is loss. It hurts. And it can hurt just like any other loss. Grief is not only for the death or absence of people.

The following are ways to help cope with the loss.

1. Recognize your grief is valid.

As a grief therapist, I can assure you it is normal to be distraught after the loss of a pet. There have been moments when my clients have confessed that they feel more heartbroken over losing their pet versus significant people in their lives. Some express feeling embarrassed or ashamed, saying things like, “the truth is, I’m sadder about my dog dying than my grandfather, but I know I’m supposed to be sadder about my grandfather.” In response, I challenge them to consider that unlike their grandfather, they lived with their dog. Their dog was never callous toward them, never judgmental, only a loving friend. And thus, of course it makes sense they would feel more grief for their dog.

For some people, pet loss can be the most difficult loss they have ever experienced. It is important for us to normalize this type of grief.

2. Understand that grief presents differently for everyone

Grief will manifest itself differently depending on the individual. In a family who lost their pet, one person may be angry. Another could be crying nonstop. Still another may seem indifferent. One person may say “she was just a cat” and think about getting another cat right away, while someone else may exclaim, “she was more than ‘just’ a cat; she was my friend, and no, I don’t want another cat!”

All people will progress through their grief journeys at their own pace, facing difficult obstacles and emotions. It is also not a linear process; instead, grief can “go backward” or be experienced more like a web or set of highs and lows. These experiences are normal.

To be of support to someone grieving their pet, simply validate their emotions. Let them know it is okay to feel the way they do.

Remember, too, that other pets in the household can grieve. When Starla died, Luna wandered aimlessly around the home for days to look for her. She seemed to finally realize Starla was not coming home. Since then, I added other cats to the family. Luna tolerates them, but she has never shown the bond with them she had with Starla.

3. Join a support group

Some individuals do not want or need a support group. For those who would like to feel less alone or are having a hard time coping because they feel their loss is misunderstood, they can benefit from peer support. They can find solace in communicating with others who are going through the same thing. There are many support groups on social media platforms such as Facebook specifically for pet loss.

4. Talk with a therapist

Yes, it is okay (and encouraged!) to reach out to a therapist to help grieve the loss of a pet and to learn coping skills for effectively managing that loss. As a grief therapist myself who has had my many heavy cries for losing a beloved pet, I will never judge you for talking about this issue to me. And it’s not just me – there're many therapists out there who would love to work with you through this issue, offering compassion, empathy, and loving support. You are not “weird” for grieving.

5. Honor your pet through memorials and rituals

For some people, a healthy way to express their grief is to honor their pet through memorials and rituals. Some veterinarians will send a grieving owner a sympathy card along with mold of the animal’s paw print. Meanwhile, some owners may choose to keep their dog’s collar or their cat’s favorite toy. Other owners may find comfort in reading the poem called The Rainbow Bridge, which suggests pets go to a special place in heaven accessible by crossing a rainbow-colored bridge.

Some people may find comfort in burying their animal in their backyard, while others may choose to do so at a pet cemetery. Others may do neither, choosing to keep the cremains, and others may not want any objects to serve as reminders. Again, there is no right or wrong decision here – all that matters is what will help you.

- Valerie Smith, LMSW, CFTG

In our hectic daily lives the quality and quantity of our sleep is often overlooked. And this is due to a myriad of reasons including children, work, stress, and interpersonal issues, to name a few. For many, this is even the case in the face of regular reminders about how sleep is connected to our mental health on the news and social media. 

So, what exactly does happens when we close our eyes? And how can we improve the quality of the rest we are able to get?

Benefits of Sleep

I’d venture to guess that everyone has, at one point or another, not gotten enough rest and felt irritable or had trouble concentrating. And this universal experience is really indicative of the larger impact that rest has on our lives. Sleep is a biological function that impacts our hormones, immune system, and metabolism. Likewise, sleep impacts us neurologically in regard to our mood, cognition, and attention. And the list goes on for both as research and science around sleep improves.

In regards to mental health, we know that many diagnoses, like depression, anxiety, and PTSD have symptoms that relate to sleep disturbances. For instance, studies show people who are suffering from depression may find it hard to fall asleep. Some people with anxiety may report similar issues with insomnia, if they find themselves worrying while in bed. PTSD can be associated with anxiety and nightmares that impact the quality and quantity of sleep hours. Likewise, studies have shown that symptoms of mania and psychosis can emerge due to sleep deprivation. 

This is all to say, getting an appropriate amount of shut-eye, without interruption, on a regular basis, may be significantly helpful in deterring the onset of mental health symptoms. 

Improving my Sleep

So, the science is there, but it doesn’t change the fact that life happens. What can we do?

1. Set up a routine. Try to be consistent in going to sleep, in the same place, at the same time each night. Likewise, try to wake up at the same time each morning.
   1. Try to get between 7 and 9 hours of sleep each night.
2. Make sure your environment is comfortable.
   1. Set the thermostat to a comfortable setting, shut the lights off, turn off noise so it’s quiet.
3. Electronic screens have been shown to negatively impact our sleep because of the blue light that they emit, so give yourself 30 minutes of screen-free time before trying to sleep. 
4. Avoid caffeine, alcohol, or large meals before bed.
5. Exercise during the day.
6. Try not to drink a lot of fluid before bed.

Using a Professional

These are just some general tips to help improve your routine. In some cases, medication or medical intervention, like a CPAP machine, may be necessary. Be sure to visit your primary care doctor on a regular basis to inform them of concerns regarding your sleep. For example, if you wake up in the middle of night, struggle falling asleep, or if someone is concerned about your breathing while you're sleeping.
As previously mentioned, sleep disturbances can be a consequence of a mental health diagnosis. If you feel you are overwhelmed, struggling with your mental health, or just need someone to talk to, you can reach a qualified clinician at Long Island EMDR and schedule an intake appointment at your earliest convenience. To do so, call 631-503-1539 or visit our website.

- Nicholas Costa, Social Work Intern with Hunter College