We all give and receive love differently. This makes connecting with a partner, friend or family member with a different love language challenging if we do not realize what our different love languages are. In 1992, Gary Chapman wrote The Five Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, where he outlines each form that we can give or receive love and affection from meaningful people in our lives. You can have more than one love language and most likely identify with each, however we all express love primarily through one of the five languages of love below. By understanding our love language and that of those around us, we can begin to develop a map of how to enhance or maintain our connection to important people in our lives.
1. Quality Time.
People with this love language give and show love by simply spending time around people they care about. The activity is not necessarily important as long as it has meaning and they receive their loved one’s undivided attention.
2. Words of Affirmation.
People who resonate with words of affirmation display and receive love through words and verbal validation. Anything from notes, loving texts or verbal appreciation during a conversation mean the most to individuals who value words of affirmation.
3. Acts of Service.
Others understand love as actions for those they care about. This can be anything from helping with chores to preparing a meal. The love is in the act of doing for someone else.
4. Physical Touch.
Physical touch can be anything related to physical intimacy. Those who express love through physical touch want to be physically close to the ones they love and be affectionate physically.
5. Gifts.
Finally, others express love through gift giving or gift receiving. For individuals with this love language, gifts are tokens that they are present in their loved one’s hearts and minds.
What Does It Mean?
Not all people who are close have the same love language. It is possible for individuals in a relationship to express and receive love differently than their partners which is why it is imperative to acknowledge and participate in each partner’s love language so each person’s needs are acknowledged and validated in order to sustain a lasting relationship. This is part of the natural give and take of every healthy, meaningful relationship. It takes time and attention to become aware of our love language and that of those in our lives to enhance and maintain our connection to our loved ones. If you feel you are struggling with feeling connected to those in your life, please call our office so we can explore ways for you to navigate the path of felt connection.
Rest and relaxation is a large piece of self-care needed to keep our mental health in check. The saying “you can’t help others unless you help yourself” is really true. We need to restore ourselves and fill our cups before we can take care of those around us. But for many “resting” can seem like a luxury or even uncomfortable. This post is a reminder of the many different ways we can “rest” and restore our mental wellbeing.
1. Physical
Physical rest can be as simple as getting adequate sleep. It can also mean taking a nap, engaging in yoga or even just taking a few deep breathes. Rest does not have a time requirement. Sometimes all we need is just 5 minutes to focus on our breath or do some stretching to re-center ourselves.
2. Mental
Mental rest is like first aide for your mind. This includes meditation- silent or guided your choice. It can also be listening to calming music or your favorite music. Mental rest can also be writing down or looking up some positive affirmations to keep your self in a good mental state.
3. Emotional
Emotional rest means to allow yourself to really explore and work through your emotions. You know by allowing yourself to feel, rather than bottling it up and pushing them aside. This could be by calling a friend, speaking with a therapist or attending a support group.
4. Social
A rest can also mean taking some time to be social. A social rest is when you let go of work and everyday chores and worries and going to someone who brightens your day. This can be a friend, mentor or non-stressful family member.
5. Creative
Creative rest is another way to take a mental break. For you creative people this is engaging in art, crochet, macramé, knitting, writing poetry and/or stories. For those who don’t identify as creative this can be reading, walking in nature or looking at artwork.
6. Sensory
A sensory rest means taking a break from the things causing us sensory over-load or anxiety. This can mean shutting your phone off or taking a break from watching the news.
7. Spiritual
Reconnecting with your spirituality is another form of taking a rest. This can be in the form of prayer, reading scripture or volunteering your time to help others.
If you feel you need more help to restore your mental wellbeing and start enjoying your life give our office a call. We'd love to help you.
Stay Shining,
Are you familiar with that that voice that is just below the surface, undermining your accomplishments, diminishing your strengths, and playing off your deepest insecurities and fears? This voice may follow you to work, accompany you to social gatherings, be by your side when attempting to accomplish your daily responsibilities, and whispering in your ear when you spend time with loved ones. What is this disapproving voice that sounds so much like our own, judging and demeaning us at every turn? It's your inner critic.
This voice is commonly known in psychology as the “inner critic.” Freud called it the “superego,” scientists call it “survivor brain,” and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy refers to it as “automatic negative thoughts.” Whatever you call it, much of this internal dialogue arises from messages that were given to us starting in childhood by family, teachers, friends, and society. Over time, due to our own insecurities, challenges, and negative life experiences, this voice gets louder, stronger, and more persuasive. It becomes harder and harder to identify what is reality, and what is the inner critic attempting to sabotage our emotional wellbeing.
This sounds grim, but there is good news. You don’t have to believe everything you think. Let me say that again-YOU DON’T HAVE TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK. Humans have an average of 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts a day, 80% of which are negative. This negativity over time can lead to sadness, helplessness, agitation, fear, worry, and hopelessness. They say, “Change your thoughts, change your life.” But how do we do that, especially when this inner critic has become so strong and powerful over time?
The simple answer? It’s a process. It will take mindfulness, vigilance, and consistency to change the pervasive negative thought patterns of the inner critic. However, the inner peace, freedom, confidence, and happiness that result from doing so are beyond measure. Here are some tools to get you started on gaining freedom from your inner critic:
1. Peacefully Observe Your Inner Critic
Oftentimes when we encounter something negative, or tendency is to try to suppress, avoid, fix, manage or control it. However, when it comes to negative thoughts, doing so often results in temporary relief, and the negative thoughts often resurface with a vengeance soon after. It can be helpful to think of your inner critic as a child throwing a temper tantrum. Let your inner critic know that you hear it, but do not give it more power than it deserves by engaging with it. Find a mantra that feels right to you, conveying the message, “Ok inner critic, I hear what you are saying, but I do not wish to listen or believe that.” Remind yourself that your thoughts are just words in your head, they are not facts. It is up to you to decide how much power you wish to give these words.
2. Investigate Your Inner Critic
The inner critic often exaggerates the negative in an attempted to keep you trapped in fear and hopelessness. Take some time to investigate what the inner critic is saying. For example, “You are a horrible parent.” Ask yourself, “Are my children alive? Are they fed/clothed/bathed? Am I doing the best I can?” Chances are, your inner critic is lying to you, taking one negative event combined with your own insecurities and stating the worst. Try asking yourself some general investigative questions, such as “Is this thought helpful? Is this thought true? What might my family and friends say about this thought? Am I blaming myself unnecessarily? What does the evidence in my life say about this thought?” This will help to expose the inner critic for what it really is-an irrational, illogical, and deceptive bully.
3. Meditate
Regular meditation practice allows you to become painfully aware of the endless chatter of the mind. As stated earlier, 80% of our thoughts are negative. Regular meditation practice will help you to gain experience in becoming mindful of your thoughts, detaching emotionally from these thoughts, and gaining the ability to pick and choose which thoughts you wish to engage with. Meditation is counterintuitive, so start small and keep your expectations low. The goal of meditation is not to be absent of thoughts. It is meant to help you gain clarity in how the mind works, and to avoid getting swept up and emotionally invested with your thoughts.
4. Practice Self-Care
Sometimes it can be beneficial to “act as if” we love ourselves, and our thoughts will catch up with our actions over time. The inner critic is often developed through receiving messages that you are not good enough and don’t matter. By engaging in regular self-care activities, you are sending another more truthful message to your inner critic-that you are worthy of love and respect. Self-care comes in a variety of forms, such as setting limits with others, having realistic expectations, repeating positive affirmations, journaling, exercise, eating healthy, drinking water, getting a massage, reaching out for help, dancing, singing, and resting. Find out what gives you that warm and fuzzy feeling and run with it. Send the message to your inner critic that you are not believing it’s lies anymore by treating yourself with kindness and compassion.
Battling your inner critic is not an easy task, but it is worth the fight. Remember, despite your past, challenges, and struggles, you deserve happiness. Don’t let anyone or anything tell you otherwise. If you feel you can use assistance in challenging these thoughts and finding your inner peace, don't hesitate to contact us.
– Alexandria (Alex) Fairchild, LMSW
I often hear form clients frustration about so many things beyond their control. Believe me, I am also frequently annoyed at things beyond my control. But knowing what things are within and out of our control can help us to feel more in control. Sounds strange but I promise it’s true.
What Happens When we Focus on Things Outside of Our Control?
When we get fixated on thing beyond our control such as: the behavior of others (i.e.bosses, colleagues, family, friends), thoughts and opinions of others, our limitations placed by physical or medical disabilities, (i.e. mobility issues, infertility concerns, loss of independence), or any other items out of our control it can make us feel really hopeless, anxious or even angry. These feelings usually lead to negative thoughts and behaviors. They very rarely help us feel at peace, at ease or happy. Looking at items within our control help us to feel more at peace, it gives us something to work towards to possibly change our situation and makes us feel more at ease. So here are some reminders of things within your control:
Your Actions
You can always control how YOU respond to others. So let’s say your friend continually is violating your boundaries (yes very annoying!) You are able to make it clear that they are violating a boundary, tell them how it makes you feel and if it continues remove this person from your circle. You are not in control of how they act but always how you respond. You are in control of your choice of words and your tone of voice. You are in control of the boundaries you set and whether or not you enforce those boundaries.
Your Schedule
You control what you do. Yes I do know you need to work and that those hours may be set, but you can always look for another job if that schedule is not what you want in your life. You decide who you see in your free time, what extra circulars you do and most importantly your routine. Creation of a routine is a great way to manage and regulate stress and anxiety, as when we know what to expect- we are less stressed and anxious.
Your Meals
What you put in your body effects how you feel. Eating healthy meals helps to decrease fatigue and increase our energy levels. Meal planning and prepping can be a pain- yes I know. But it is a good way to keep your physical-self (and your budget) healthy. It’s also great stress relief to cook food that you actually enjoy eating- and no Karen not all healthy meals taste bad.
Your Socialization
You control who is in your social circle. If you have toxic people who don’t’ make you feel good- you can weed them out of your life. Surrounding yourself with people that bring you up and motivate you is within your control. Yes plans may be cancelled by others- but you can always reschedule, call another friend or make another plan that you can look forward to. Socialization is key to positive mental health- click here to see why, and click here for tip on how to improve your social circle.
How Much Media You Consume
By media I mean news and social media. You are in control of what news channels you what and how much news you intake. Lately politics have everyone all stressed so if that’s you maybe cut back on how much your consuming? Same goes for social media. The comparisons are crazy now that everyone posts their “best lives” on social media platforms. If you find yourself constantly wishing you were more like Cindy on TikTok or wishing you had hair like Sue on Insta- you may want to start restricting that consumption. Also just remember people spend crazy time taking perfect photos and editing them to be even more perfect. Rarely do people post about their difficulties and hardships so try not to compare.
How Prepared you Are
You may not be able to avoid Covid-19 or giving that presentation at work via zoom but you are in control of your preparedness to handle those situations. Having a plan if someone gets sick can help you feel more in control. Same as being prepared for that big presentation will make it a bit easier to muddle through come the big day.
How Mindful You Are
Practicing mediation, guided imagery and yoga can be a great way to relax your nervous system and feel more at peace. It can help you feel more aware of your emotions and thus less likely to impulsively react on them.
What to do if you do not Feel in Control of The Categories Listed Above?
So if you feel like okay I may have control over some of that but I don’t have the motivation to do it right now, or it’s really hard for me to switch up when I am in that negative mindset- you may be struggling with anxiety or depression that is keeping you stuck in what I call “the hamster wheel”. Which is basically when even though your rational brain knows ruminating on this negative topic is not helpful and it is beyond your control- you just keep running on the wheel spinning the same thoughts over in your head no matter how hard you try. At that junction it may be best to speak with a trained therapist who can help you work on strategies to challenge those thoughts, get out of the loop, increase your coping skills and supports so that you can go back to enjoying your life.
Stay Shining,
Flashbacks are our brain’s way of processing traumatic events that we’ve experienced. Our subconscious taps into those important memories but they are not contained- meaning they tend to spill out everything related to the traumatic event. For many individuals, this experience can be just as terrifying as the initial event.
Flashbacks usually happen without warning. Most result from a “triggering” that occurs by an external experience. Triggers are typically sensory-based experiences that manifest via smells, sounds, tastes, textures that remind the person of the traumatic event. The sound of fireworks or a car backfiring can remind a soldier of gunfire. I once had a patient who would have flashbacks around flower shops, as the overwhelming smell of flowers would bring him back to his sister’s funeral.
Living with flashbacks is very difficult, but with practice there are some ways you can work through these disturbing events:
1. Remember
Remind yourself that you are in a safe place and having a flashback. Use that self-talk and tell yourself, as many times as necessary, that these are only memories until you can feel yourself begin to calm.
2. Empower Yourself
Sometimes using your five senses can help you to be in the present moment. If one sense is causing the flashback use your other senses to place yourself in the actual current environment. The tactile experience of stamping your feet on the ground can remind yourself that you are free to get away from any situation that has become uncomfortable for you. See more here on mindfulness tips.
3. Breathe
Fear and panic causes our breathing to become shallow and erratic. Shallow our erratic breathing exacerbates the stress we feel in that moment because our body is literally panicking from a lack of oxygen. In these fearful moments, when we slow our breathing and take deeper and deeper breaths, we actually signal to our brain and body that everything is okay. One of my favorite breathing tricks is to trace one hand with the opposite. When you go up a finger breathe in, then breathe out as you trace back to the palm of you hand. Repeat till you are calm and your breathing is regular.
4. Honor the Experience
No one wants to remember their trauma, let’s face it it’s not an easy experience and I understand you want to move on and forget it NOW. However, our bodies and our minds need time to process what has happened. It’s normal, expected, and honestly needed to experience a full range of emotions. Honor your experience and yourself for making it through and surviving.
5. Find Support
Going through trauma alone is not really advisable. I understand there may be feelings of shame, guilt, fear that are preventing you from feeling comfortable opening up. However, it is important for you to have supports
It’s important that you let loved ones know about your to help you through this process. Opening up to trusted loved ones can allow for them to help you work through flashbacks and process what has happened. You may also want to open up to a mental health professional to gain a deeper understanding of what is happening to you, how to cope with flashbacks and triggers and work through those difficult memories and emotions.
If you or a loved one is suffering from flashbacks and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch, we would be happy to discuss how we may be able to help.
Stay Shining,
Adult-ing can be really hard. One thing that makes it easier is having a healthy social circle of people you can rely on in times of stress. As discussed in last week's post, socialization is one major player in the vast array of things effecting our overall mental health. However, I often hear from clients how difficult it is to expand their social circle and increase their supports. After college or high school we kind of run out of the large pool of prospective individuals that we can potentially make into long lasting friendships. After school, we move away, have difficult schedules that don’t seem to match up or just end up with very different life stages or interests. So where do we go from here? Here are some ideas for working on strengthening and expanding your social-circle:
1. Reach out to a Colleague at Work
Once school is over, work becomes the new place to meet people, who you are around often, and build new relationships that can turn into supportive and beneficial friendships. You can start by having lunch with your colleagues, discussing similar challenges or experiences you share at work and similar interests that brought you both to that field. Once you are work buddies you can move to inviting them out for dinner or a community trip (wine tasting, movie night, hiking or beach day). Like all things if you nurture the relationship it should grow and blossom.
2. Volunteer
Volunteering is a great option for stay-at-home parents, who don’t have the option of meeting people at work. Or the busy-bodies who just love to fill their “free-time” with something to do. Often volunteers come to the same place again and again on the same days so you can see the same people and begin to develop rapport with them. Volunteering also just is a nice way to give back and often makes us feel good about ourselves for being a part of “something bigger” or for helping someone else in need.
3. Coffee Time with a Friend
Coffee dates are a great way to reconnect with an old friend after work, on the weekend or anytime you have an hour or so free. They can also be a really inexpensive way to just get out of your house and feel connected to another human. If you don’t like coffee, lunch or tea is always a good option.
4. Call a Loved One Regularly
Time easily can escape us. Setting up a set time to check in with mom, dad, an aunt or a sibling weekly or biweekly can help us to remember to connect with those we love. The consistency in communication will serve to strengthen your relationship and make you feel more comfortable discussing concerns with them should you need support in the future.
5. Plan an Outing Once a Month
In Covid times I know this can be difficult. So maybe for now it’s a virtual game night if your not comfortable with groups just yet. Outdoors is also a great option, such as an organized hike. There are truly so many beautiful places on Long island to visit my favorites include: Elizabeth Morton Sanctuary, Nissequogue State Park, Montauk Point, Jones Beach (really any beach I’m happy) and Blydenburgh County Park. You can also visit the vineyard, go apple picking (or really any seasonal picking) or go to a drive-in movie. An added bonus is that planning an event gives you something to look forward to, which is always a great mood booster.
6. Call or Email an Old Friend
Reconnecting with an old friend that you lost touch with can be a good mood booster and possibly open up an avenue to rekindling that friendship. Sometimes we just fall out of touch and a phone call or email can go a long way to bringing back the closeness you once had.
7. Get a Work-Out Buddy
This helps you two-fold: 1) it is a designated time to spend with a friend, family member or partner which is sure to build your relationship and 2) it makes it more likely that you will exercise consistently which is proven to boost mood and help regulate stress.
8. Schedule a Weekly Dinner Date
I tell all my adult how have partners, especially married with kids, to schedule in date night. It’s so essential to get that alone time. I do understand weekly may not be in everyone babysitting budget but even biweekly or once a month can go a long way to improving your relationship with your partner. If you are not dating or married a girls night or out night weekly with friends is always a great stress-reliever as well.
9. Join a Gym Class or a Club
Seems silly but if you commit to something weekly like a class or a club, you will see the same people there every week! Even better, they are likely to have similar interests. It’s a good practice of self-care and a good way to expand your social circle.
10. Ask a Friend Over for Dinner
Now this can be an old friend, a colleague you are getting closer with, you can do a double date night with your partners. Whatever works for you. For the parents out there, asking one of your child’s close friend’s parents over for dinner (and a play date) is a great way to again expand that social circle.
What to do When you are too Stressed to Even Begin?
So I know that making friend’s is not as easy as checking off some of those to-do items listed above for everyone. Some people may have social anxiety or low self-esteem or really nagging self-talk that can make them feel really stuck when starting this process. If that sounds like you, please reach out to our office. We would love to help you work through those stressors, anxieties and negative thoughts so you can start building the life you really want.
Stay Shining,
It’s a known fact that our species are social beings. We evolved by living in communities relying on one-another to help us meet our daily needs like: food, child-care, shelter, safety, and of course emotional well being. Nowadays though, that sense of community seems to have dissipated in our individualistic society. Life get’s busy, we have to work, we have to pay our bills and socialization has become more of a luxury than a daily given. But it truly is essential for our emotional and mental well being to have a supportive network of friends and family to help us through tough times.
Socialization & Brain Chemistry
One of the most calming experiences can be to spend time with people who make you feel loved and understood. Face-to face interaction can counter act our body’s “fight or flight” response by releasing a slew of hormones that elevate our mood. When we socialize with those we love our brain releases “oxytocin” which is a lovely little chemical that boosts mood. Oxytocin is produced by a part of the brain which is instrumental in regulating many of the most basic and necessary physical rhythms of the body: sleep, hunger, thirst, and emotional reaction. Oxytocin has also been shown to be the driving factor in the triggering of another fabulous chemical “Dopamine”. Dopamine release signals feelings of pleasure and supports behaviors we need to survive- such as eating, drinking and procreating.
Socialization & Reduction of Dementia Risks
Building social networks and participating in social activities are like exercises for your brain because they keep your mind agile and improve cognitive function. In a California study published by the American Journal of Public Health, researchers reported that older women who managed large social networks reduced their risk of dementia by 26%. Furthermore, women who had daily contact with their individuals in their social circle cut their risk of dementia by almost half!
Socialization Effects on Depression & Anxiety
Close supportive relationships with friends, family and colleagues act as a buffer to hashes of the real world. They improve our feelings of self-worth, lower our symptoms of depression and anxiety and help us to feel accepted. When you have loved ones to lean on in times of stress and to fill your life with fulfilling activities, you are less likely to struggle with anxiety and depression related symptoms.
Socialization & Stress
Socializing is just a good way in general to take your mind off the stressors of life. Participating in social activities alleviates pressure, gives us something to look forward to on the hard days and take our mind off of stressors easier than when we do activities alone.
In Summation
Socialization is a basic NEED. We all need to feel loved and accepted by others. It fuels our brain chemistry; affecting our mood, diet, thought patterns and self-esteem. If you or a loved one need help in becoming more social due to struggling with mental health symptoms, we would be glad to help you get there. Contact our office to see how we can assist you in moving towards the life you want and deserve.
Stay Shining,
Stress is defined as a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances. Stress is an unavoidable, normal bodily reaction to the challenges of daily life. Stress is a sign that you are alive; that you are pushing yourself and have care and concern for the people and situations that surround you.
Stress becomes a problem when the amount and severity of stress exceeds your capacity to cope. Some signs that stress may be taking a negative toll on your body and mind include exhaustion, chest pain, headaches, muscle tension, excessive worry, panic attacks, hopelessness, feeling overwhelmed, irritability, sadness, or engaging excessively in unhealthy behaviors (i.e. drinking/drug use, shopping, overeating, sex, or gambling).
Stress in unavoidable. However, consistent practice of healthy coping skills can reduce the detrimental impact stress can have on your overall well-being. Here are five 5-minute stress busters; 5 simple things you can do in 5 minutes or less to reduce the negative impact of stress in your life.
1. Jump!
Engage in 4 sets of jumping jacks for 45 seconds on, and 15 seconds of rest. Intense cardiovascular exercise reduces levels of the body’s stress hormones (adrenaline and cortisol) while increasing the feel-good endorphins (dopamine and serotonin). Exercise also forces you to be fully engrossed the present moment, giving your mind a welcome reprieve from your current worries.
2. Breathe.
The breathing method known as the 4-7-8 Breathing Technique has been scientifically proven to regulate cortisol, which controls your body’s fight or flight response. Find a comfortable position, and set a timer for five minutes. If you can, close your eyes. Breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds, hold the breath for 7 seconds, and exhale through your mouth for 8 seconds. By doing so, you are teaching your body to counteract the activation of the parasympathetic nervous system that occurs during stressful situations, which will help you to feel calmer and more at ease.
3. Write.
Writing is extremely therapeutic. Writing down the often big, scary, and chaotic thoughts that accompany stress can result in these thoughts becoming more tangible and less frightening than they were when they only existed in your head. Once you can see the problem more clearly, the solution doesn’t seem so daunting and out of reach. Try writing try a stream of consciousness style of writing, in which you write what is causing you stress for 4 minutes. Next, reread your writing and sort out what you can versus what you cannot control of the what you have written down. Recommit to doing your best towards what is within your control, and crumple up the paper to symbolize letting go of the worries that are out of your control.
4. Be Mindful.
Mindfulness is defined as engaging in a set of practices that anchor you to the present moment. Most stress results not only from the events themselves, but the negative projections into the future about how overbearing or overwhelming the stressor will be once we experience it. Being mindful to stay in the present moment can help you to slow down and clear away unnecessary, self-induced stress. Many of our worries never actually come to fruition. Take five minutes to pay attention to the sights, smells, sounds, touches, and tastes that surround. Repeat the positive affirmation “You are where your feet are” in an effort to remind you that you don’t have to be ten steps ahead of yourself; all you need to be is right here, and right now.
5. Laugh!
Many of us are guilty of taking ourselves far too seriously. Luckily, we live an era where we have endless entertainment at our fingertips, so why not take advantage of it? Type in your internet search engine, “Funniest animal videos”, “funniest TV bloopers” or “funniest stand-up comedy clips,” and give yourself 5 minutes to watch and laugh. Laughing helps to relieve your body’s stress response, relieve tension by relaxing your muscles, enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart and lungs, and increases endorphin production. It’s no wonder that they say laughter is the best medicine.
Stress can be crippling, but it doesn’t have to be.
Take preventative measures to manage your stress with these helpful techniques, and you will be able to cope effectively with whatever life throws your way. If you need help managing stress give our office a call, we'd love to help you start living a life you can enjoy!
– Alexandria (Alex) Fairchild, LMSW
In todays society I feel many people, especially the younger generations are just completely absorbed in technology. They stare mindlessly into their smart phones, I-pad, laptop etc. and unfortunately miss the beauty that surrounds them. It can be a very humbling and awe inspiring experience when you realize the vastness of nature that surrounds you; even in midst of heavily trafficked suburban areas or on your drive to work, nature is pervasive.
Making Nature Fun
Walking through your local parks, forests, etc. with your children and really looking around and enjoying the present moment yields a much different experience than that of what many experience in todays modern society. It promotes mindfulness, connectedness, togetherness and an appreciation for our earth. Getting your child away from the screens and bringing them through the trails of one of your local parks can be a great way to facilitate that connectivity between your surroundings and your family. To take it a step further, learning about the local plant life and the role it plays in your environment will not only deepen the bond that you and your child form with nature and your local habitat, but can also be a deeply satisfying and rewarding experience; soon enough your child may even be teaching you a few things. If just getting your little one away from paw patrol or bubble guppies and out into nature is enough of a task right now, that is perfectly fine. Maybe once out into the woods you create your own show (Pine Cone Patrol) that can only be experienced out in the wild (you would have to come up with the characters, character development, plot, illustrations, lighting, etc.; I can’t do everything).
Research on Benefits of Being in Nature
If the prospect of leaving the warm comfy couch cushions that have molded to the shapes of you and your little ones bodies is still too uncomfortable of a thought, listen up because there has actually been some very interesting research on the benefits of immersing oneself in nature and how it may benefit your overall health (I don’t think watching a few episodes of man vs. wild will have the same therapeutic effect).One such study conducted by Repke, Berry, Conway, Metcalf, Hensen and Phelan (2018) found that study participants who scored high on items determining their accessibility to nature (accessibility to nature measured as prevalence of parks or other pleasant natural features nearby, amount of time spent outdoors and how safe one feels being outdoors in the area they live) found that those that scored high on the accessibility to nature measure also showed statistically significant higher scores on mental health measures. Another interesting finding in this study is that those participants who had increased accessibility to nature also showed lower scores on a task that measured impulsivity in decision-making. More interesting yet, participants place of residence was also examined to assess their proximity to nature (natural land cover) in their area. Interestingly enough, it was found that geospatial proximity of the participants to nature had no significant effect on health measures or reducing impulsive decision-making.
These findings are interesting in that they may suggest that there is not so much a link between your proximity to nature and mental/physical health, but rather your relationship with the nature in your surrounding area is what positively impacts your health. Let’s be honest, we could all use some decreases in impulsivity and definitely decreases in stress! Knowing that simply exposing yourself to nature (No, not in that way!) can potentially provide these benefits for you and your child (did I mention it’s free…), why would you not take advantage of this? Go out there and hug a tree; connect with your children, your environment and become healthier in the process.
Stay Shining,
Reference:
Repke MA, Berry MS, Conway LG, III, Metcalf A, Hensen RM, Phelan C (2018) How does nature exposure make people healthier?: Evidence for the role of impulsivity and expanded space perception. PLoS ONE 13(8): e0202246. https:// doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0202246
Unfortunately, being a survivor of trauma or abuse is exceedingly common. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center,one in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18 years old. Additionally, they also found that one in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives.
Being a survivor of abuse can be challenging, thankfully with some self-care in place you can begin your healing journey to a healthier you. That journey from feeling scared, afraid, angry and/or alone to a place of peace and acceptance can be an empowering one. Regardless of whether your trauma was recent or happened years ago, a daily self-care regimen will help you cope with the trauma that still affects you today.
1. Quality Sleep
An essential component of maintaining optimum physical, mental, and emotional health is ensuring you get adequate sleep each night. According to The Sleep Foundation, “while sleep issues after a traumatic experience can be distressing, they may also be an important opportunity for treating and healing from trauma. Research suggests that being able to sleep after a traumatic event can reduce intrusive trauma-related memories and make them less distressing.” Additionally, getting adequate sleep helps to improve memory, increase positive mood and decrease stress.
2. Meditate
Meditating for just five to ten minutes can have some really positive benefits including: boosting immune response, regulating stress levels, increasing focus and elevating mood. Headspace (the App) now has a program on Netflix that not only guides you through meditations but also explains why and how a particular exercise can help you. I’ve also always been a big fan of the App Insight Timer. I find guided meditations are often easier for people to start off with and you can then work your way into solely music, nature sounds or silent meditations. For anxious folx, guided meditation can help to give you a focus point so it is not so overwhelming in the beginning.
3. Exercise
Exercise is beneficial for just about everyone, but for trauma survivors it can also be a way to release pent-up emotions you have relating to what has happened to you. The type of exercise is not really as important, as engaging in a daily practice of release. If you like to dance, do some Zumba, if you are more of a yoga lover, go with that. For some, taking kickboxing or jiu-jitsu can help them feel more in control after an assault and better able to defend themselves. No matter what you choose remember that exercise should be an act of self-care, meaning it should be something you enjoy- not a punishment.
4. Positive Affirmations
For many survivors there is a good-deal of shame and guilt that comes with what has happened to them. For those reasons, it is all the more important to really focus on programing yourself with positive thoughts and beliefs. For example: “I am loved,” “I am worthy,” “I am valued,” “I am strong,” “I am enough.” I often tell client’s to pick an opposite thought to their negative self-talk, so if your inner “Karen” is saying: “I am disposable”, you say to yourself: “I am worthy and deserving of love, respect and affection”. There is a really amazing App that spams your phone, however often you set it, to give you positive affirmations called “I Am”. If its a struggle for you at first to come up with your own affirmations, I really recommend it.
This process of changing that inner voice takes time and truly is a practice so be gentle with yourself. You will have days where it works great and other days where you cannot seem to get “Karen” to stop talking. It’s okay, just take it one step, one moment at a time.
5. Support
Support is critical need for healing, surround yourself with people who build you up, cheer you on and pick you up when you are down. If you have a solid support system don’t be afraid to engage them, by calling a friend or family member, attending a support group and/or finding a therapist. If your support system is lacking, use a smartphone app or the Meetup website to find a local, like-minded group and make some new friends.
Often times survivors feel alone and like no one can or will understand how they feel, or that they will be judged for what happened to them. However, as said in the beginning abuse is more common than we would like to believe in this country. Sharing your struggles with people who understand and care about you and your well-being is an important aspect of your healing journey. If you are a sexual abuse survivor and need some words of advise from others who have been through it but are not ready to take that step of opening up just yet, I highly recommend Dear Sister by Lisa Factora-Borchers and Aishah Shahidah Simmons - a book of letters from survivors of sexual abuse to other survivors.
Are you a survivor of trauma or abuse? A licensed mental health professional can help you so you don’t have to go through this alone. Give our office a call today so we can set up a time to talk.
Keep Shining,