Many of my clients have difficulty living the life they want and need to feel truly happy. They struggle with expectations placed on them by others, feelings of guilt if they put themselves first and most days feel like they cannot catch their breathe. Trauma therapy can help you to end old patterns and put yourself first. Self-care isn't selfish- I know it's a clique but it is true. You need to take care of you to be your best self for your family, friends and career. If this is speaking to you, strap in- I have some Pro-tips for you.

1. Evaluate Your Values

What is most important to you? List 3 things. Could be family, honesty, integrity, compassion, trust etc. Then you need to start seeing if your actions actually align with your values. Those that do keep at them- those that don't make an effort to change them. For example, if you choose "family, compassion and health" and you are offered an additional work shift. Is taking this shift detracting from your family time? Do you need a mental health break or day off to take care of you? If so say no. If it's to help a colleague who is going through a rough time and you feel you have enough time on another day to take care of you and spend time with family and you want to honor that "compassion" value you can also say yes. Seeing how our actions are in align with our values helps us to begin living a life that makes us happy- not a life that is spent trying to appease or please others.

2. Set Some Boundaries

In set with setting those values is setting up some boundaries with those around us. When we have no boundaries- meaning we having difficulty saying no or often do things out of pleasing others even if it's not what we want- we continue to feel exhausted, unhappy and overwhelmed. Boundaries despite what childhood may have taught you are actually healthy. Saying "No I'm sorry I can't go out tonight", "No I won't be able to take on that extra project with my current workload as it stands",or "I would appreciate if you refrained from "xyz" in front of my children" is the first step to reducing our triggers, reducing your stress load and giving yourself the time to focus on you and do what makes YOU happy.

3. Let Go of the Guilt

Often times my clients struggle with boundaries because of the guilt they feel in saying no to others. They feel responsible to take on the problems of those around them. They are accustom to the role of "fixer". Those around them, often family members but sometimes even colleagues or bosses sometimes push back on boundaries set and plead or ridicule them if they don't get what they want. I'm not going to say setting boundaries is an easy task when you are accustom to saying "yes" to everything because your role has always been to put others before you. But I will say the more you stick to your boundaries, the less others push back over time. It helps to see if keeping those boundaries is in alignment with your values or the type of person you are aspiring to be. Simple answer my look like "yes, I value helping others". With a closer look though it's easy to see it is hard to be our best self for others when you are running on empty. As I often tell my trauma therapy clients, and as they say on the air plane "put your mask on first" before you help those around you. It also helps to make a list of the short term positive gain of letting others violate your boundary and the long term consequences. For example, lets say you have difficulty saying no at work and are constantly taking on additional tasks asked of you.

After making this list you may decide to have a conversation with your boss and say "I would love to be able to help with that project but I already have 3 other projects I am currently working on. I will need to finish those first before I can take on any more. It's important to me that the quality of my work meets the standard and I am afraid I won't be able to complete all projects to our client's expectations." Starting an honest dialogue can help you feel more in control and will likely make you a better employee. Same with friends and family, when you are happier and more relaxed you can be your best self for your spouse, children, parents and friends. If this seems daunting, trauma therapy can surely help you work through your fears and doubts.

Need Help?

If this sounds daunting, you may need some extra support in navigating beginning to set boundaries and taking back control of your life. This is really common with clients who have trauma, are children of alcoholics, were parentified children (children that functioned more as parents), and those with low self-esteem and attachment difficulties (as they often fear boundaries will push others away). Trauma therapy can help! Just like my clients you can take back your life, begin to feel in control, less overwhelmed, more peaceful and joyful. You deserve happiness too. If you need the extra support in getting there give our office a call. We would love to help you on that journey.

Sending love & light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

LGBT+ affirming therapy/counseling in Smithtown, NY and Bohemia, NY

LGBT+ affirming therapy/counseling online across New York State

Long Island EMDR offers counseling/therapy to the LGBT+ population.

A counselor or therapist that treats LGBT+ people needs to be more than just “gay friendly”.  

Being “LGBT+ informed” is ever changing! Our therapists engage in continuing training/education to best meet your needs. LGBT+ affirming therapy is based on the idea that being a part of the LGBT+ community is not in itself pathological or wrong. What is wrong, is the discrimination that LGBT+ people face, just by choosing to be who they are. This discrimination can happen in very bold or very subtle ways and it can happen in many different aspects of society. The impact that this discrimination has on LGBT+ people can lead to the development of symptomatic conditions.

Trauma-Informed LGBT+ Therapy

LGBT+ individuals experience abuse and neglect as children and adolescents at higher rates than the general public. As a result, the prevalence of sexual assault is higher among the LGBT+ population. Growing up LGBT+ many of our clients experience trauma in: coming out, deciding not to come out and just being your true and authentic self. Therefore, our practice is proud to be a trauma-informed practice with multiple EMDR and TF-CBT trained clinicians.

Long Island EMDR is proud to offer a safe space and open environment to talk about who you are and who you may want to be. SFT is also proud to offer affirming therapy/counseling to individuals, couples, families and groups in the LGBT+ community. Contact us today!

TF-CBT may sound like an intense acronym and a bit overwhelming. We therapists love our acronyms! It stands for Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. In everyday terms, it is a trauma-focused intervention that is specifically for people from ages 3 to 18 that are diagnosed with PTSD due to experiencing a traumatic event. The key components of TF-CBT that make it a unique intervention is it utilizes measures to track symptoms, it emphasizes gradual exposure, it includes the caregiver throughout the entire treatment, and it provides the client and caregiver with multiple skills to utilize at home to combat symptoms. Also, to become fully certified and recognized on the roster, a clinician must complete a year-long intensive training that includes multiple two-day in-person seminars, biweekly supervision with a consultant, monthly group consultation calls, and an exam at the end if the clinician chooses to become nationally certified. Throughout the training, the clinician is working with at least two cases and receiving constant supervision to ensure fidelity to this model.

The Measures

Within the first couple of sessions, the clinician will ask the client and caregiver to complete some pre-treatment measures. These measures will be completed before treatment and then after treatment to show exactly how and where the client and caregiver have improved. Trauma and PTSD symptoms in a child have a significant effect on caregivers as well, so some of the measures will be specific to the caregiver. TF-CBT has a significant amount of research to back up why and how it works. Measuring symptoms before and after treatment continues to add to that research as clinicians can track symptoms with clients and provide clients and caregivers with straight numbers to show improvements. Often it can be difficult for the client to feel the changes at first, so tracking symptoms is helpful to instill hope as well.

Gradual Exposure

This is another one of those therapy words that we all love. Gradual exposure means that the clinician will not dive into the dark depths of the trauma right off the bat. Flooding is a term that is used often in therapy and it means overwhelming the client by moving too deeply too quickly during trauma treatment. TF-CBT emphasizes gradual exposure every single step of the way to avoid flooding and an increase in symptoms. We want to dip our toe in the water and SLOWLY move into the shallow end and eventually into the deep end of the pool. We never want to jump into the deep end when it comes to trauma. One of the first steps of TF-CBT is teaching the client and caregiver coping skills. Coping skills are used for two main reasons: to begin decreasing symptoms and to provide client and caregiver with tools to use to calm themselves as the trauma is being processed throughout treatment.

The Caregiver

The caregiver is an integral part of treatment for many reasons. The caregiver provides support for the client and is with the client day in and day out. The trauma the client experienced also significantly affects the caregiver. It is difficult to care for a child that has experienced a trauma. It can trigger the caregiver if he/she has his/her own past trauma, it can be traumatizing and cause the caregiver to experience symptoms of anxiety or vicarious trauma, and it is difficult to fully understand the client’s symptoms and behaviors related to the trauma. Education is an important part of TF-CBT, as well. Psycho-education is provided throughout treatment to the client and the caregiver. It is important that both parties understand the ins and outs of trauma to better equip themselves to heal from it. A caregiver can be a parent, another family member, a foster parent, a social worker, or whoever is the primary caretaker of the child at that time. It is ideal to have someone that will be able to commit to the full process of treatment to provide the greatest benefits to the child. TF-CBT treatment works to heal the child and the family because trauma often ripples farther than we realize.

TF-CBT The Skills

As I mentioned earlier, the clinician will provide the client and caregiver with coping skills from the beginning of treatment. These skills will include calming skills, grounding skills, communication skills, and mindfulness skills. The skills will be tailored to the client’s and caregiver’s symptoms. One of the goals of providing these skills is to allow the client and caregiver to see that they can begin to combat the symptoms in a healthy way. It is ideal that the client and caregiver work on these skills together outside of sessions to increase efficiency. These skills are also important as the client continues in treatment and begins to get to the deep side of the pool that involves the details of the traumatic experience. These skills will allow the client and caregiver to be able to walk into those deep dark places knowing they can come out of them and ground themselves and calm themselves. Coping skills can provide a sense of empowerment to the client and caregiver during treatment and throughout life.

Valerie Smith is our lead clinician doing TF-CBT. For more information on TF-CBT please contact us.

 Much to the relief of mental health workers the stigma attached to depression is lessening as awareness increases. Times are changing and so are your options when it comes to seeking treatment for depression. EMDR can be an effective means to treat your depression when traditional options have not helped.

Most people are familiar with depression, or at least familiar with the fact that it exists and anyone can struggle with it. However, many people may not know where to start when it comes to how to treat it effectively. Traditional therapy and medication do help, without a doubt. But what happens when it’s just not enough or you aren’t feeling relief? If that question rings true for you, please know that you do have options for EMDR therapy for depression in Suffolk County, NY.

What is EMDR?

 I’d like to bring to your attention a treatment option, which you may or may not have heard of, known as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). Are you familiar with this treatment? During EMDR treatment, bilateral stimulation activates the opposite sides of the brain allowing the brain to release and redefine emotional experiences that are “trapped” within the brain. This type of stimulation actually resembles REM sleep as our eyes move from one side to the other. It is during sleep that the brain naturally sorts out our experiences from the day, discarding useless information and transferring memories appropriately.

Sometimes when we experience a traumatic events, big or small (i.e. getting in trouble at school, bullying, or the emotional trauma experienced when dealing with infidelity), these negative experiences can get “trapped” or “frozen” in the brain and they are unable to resolve naturally which may result in nightmares, depression, anger, anxiety, or emotional disturbance.

Along with the “trapped” negative experience is the negative emotional and sensory information, and childlike or initial interpretation of the experience.

Even locked away these negative emotions can still affect us greatly. We can be triggered by any number of things; a scent, a visual object, even being spoken to a certain way can trigger a memory or negative feeling, often without any understanding why. When a negative memory is triggered, the neurological response is protection and the result is a state of hyper-arousal commonly referred to as fight or flight. Stress hormones are released into the body and we find ourselves saying things without thinking or doing things that seem out of character. Unfortunately, the initial and untrue negative beliefs about oneself are reinforced.

What’s an EMDR session like? 

During a typical EMDR session you would be asked to identify a disturbing target memory. That memory is then processed using bilateral stimulation, the negative feelings, beliefs, or experience become desensitized, meaning they simply become less bothersome. The feelings, beliefs, and/or experience is then reprocessed and a new meaning is attached to the experience or triggers. As your brain arrives at a new conclusion, the original trauma no longer contains the negative emotional charge originally associated with it. The triggers are now neutral, the interpretation of the experience is now intentional and the beliefs about oneself are more positive and present hope instead of powerlessness.

Should I do it? So you may be wondering, “Is EMDR right for me?” Well, if you feel like your traumas, or inner demons, have too much power over you; and if you have a strong desire to be liberated from the traumas of your past, then, yes, EMDR may be a good fit for you.

Please keep in mind, EMDR is not only for those who have suffered significant trauma.

Reasons for choosing EMDR include a desire to let go of the rational, logical self and to be able to engage at a deeper level. If focusing solely on symptom management is not getting you the results you desire then you may benefit from EMDR, leading you to a deeper understanding of the root cause of the problem and allowing you to deal with it and find resolution.

If you have any thoughts or questions related to EMDR therapy for depression in Suffolk County, NY., or other mental health issues, please feel free to contact us. We would love to help you.

Let’s face it-the COVID 19 pandemic was something that most could have not imagined, let alone prepared for. Life as we knew it was immediately turned upside down. While there were many losses incurred, none seemed to compare to the families who lost loved ones to COVID-19. As a society, we were called on to do everything we could to prevent this from happening. This resulted in losing our way of life as we knew it and disenfranchised grief.

Disenfranchised grief is defined as experiencing grief and loss that is not readily recognized by a person, group of people, or society as a whole. The symptoms of grief are the same-experiencing shock, sadness, guilt, regret, anger, fear-however disenfranchised grief makes the process of grieving more challenging due to the lack of validation, social support, and rituals that are often associated with grief. This can induce feelings of isolation and powerlessness, leaving one to feel helpless to reducing their own pain and struggle. 

“But we were all going through the COVID-19 pandemic together,” you think. “Doesn’t this count for something?” While we can cite many examples of people making the best of a difficult situation during the pandemic, the undertone has always remained the same-our loss pales in comparison to the loss of human life. The time we lost with loved ones, the loss of our routines, missing graduations, homecoming, sports, weddings, travel plans, holiday traditions, and in general life as we knew it-these losses were expected of us to protect the greater good of human life. We told ourselves, “Those who lost loved one’s to COVID-19; THOSE are the people who are struggling.”

I am here to remind you that everyone’s grief matters. Loss in any form deserves to be validated, acknowledged, and processed. Symptoms of grief are not to be taken lightly, as left unattended can lead to depression, anxiety, and other mental health challenges. It does not serve us to minimize, separate, or compare our losses. 

So, what can we do to cope with our disenfranchised grief?

1. Acknowledge and validate your loss. Hopefully this article started you on your journey of awareness in understanding that your loss MATTERS, regardless of the messages you have gotten from others, society, and yourself. Remind yourself that you are worthy of the time and space to grieve your loss.
2. Begin to get to the root of your grief. When dealing with grief, what you don’t address will ultimately address you. Avoid the urge to suppress your grief and hope it goes away; unresolved feelings have a tendency to resurface later on.
3. Write! Writing can be a therapeutic tool to uncover suppressed emotions. There are many writing prompts available online for coping with grief and loss. Do so slowly and with self-compassion, going at a pace that feels right to you.
4. Make your own grieving ritual. Part of the challenge of coping with disenfranchised grief is that there are no clear rituals to honor and provide closure for the grief experienced. Rituals will vary from person to person; however, it may help to pick a place that has emotional significance where you can spend time to honor what was lost.  
5. Find support. If there is a name for it, someone has experienced it. Seek out friends and family members that have experienced similar losses, or that you feel are supportive. Consider what you need from others and ask for it. As always, seeking professional help is recommended, as this individual is trained to guide you through this challenging process.

-Alexandria Baxter, LMSW

A traumatic event is an occurrence that overwhelms our stress response system. When we endure trauma from someone close to us we can develop a trauma bond, especially when we experience trauma repeatedly by an attachment figure. A trauma bond occurs when the abused develops sympathy or affection towards their abuser. This can happen over any time period and rarely, if ever, develops into a healthy relationship. A trauma bond can cause the abused to experience guilt, confusion and self-judgment when analyzing their feelings towards their abuser, however this type of bond, while unhealthy, can originate from a protective place in the abused person.

How Trauma Bonding Occurs from Our Fight, Flight Or Freeze Response

Our brains have a survival response system, often referred to as the “Fight, Flight or Freeze” response. The body can activate this response system if our brains detect danger and turn on different pathways to get us out of the dangerous situation safely. This is the same response system that is responsible for the increase in adrenaline we experience after we hear an unexpected loud noise or are startled. It is our “Fight, Flight or Freeze” response system has allowed our species to survive for as long as we have and it is this system that becomes activated when we experience trauma. 

Survivors who endure abuse from their loved ones, especially their parents as children or their partners as adults, go through an extremely complicated process to try to make sense of their relationship with the abuser. In an effort to allow the survivor to be able to function with their abuser the brain may turn on protective defense mechanisms in the form of dissociation, forgetting or minimizing abuse or even to take responsibility if the abuse with an attachment figure. For example, it would be extremely difficult for a child to function with the knowledge that they have to rely on the same person who is mistreating them so the brain may “try to make sense” of the abuse by using one of the above tactics to allow the child to still function with their abuser day to day. This is not the say that abuse is therefore alright. It is not and no one deserves to be mistreated or abused. 

What This Does Not Say About The Survivor

1. That the abuse did not happen.
2. That they want the abuse to happen.
3. That they deserve abuse.
4. That there is something “wrong” with them.

What This Means

Forming a trauma bond with an abuser does not mean there is something wrong with the survivor but rather speaks to the survivor’s ability to survive in a dangerous, unpredictable environment. No one deserves to be in a dangerous, unstable relationship or environment. If you feel you may have this type of attachment to a person who has made you feel unsafe, please call our office to work through your emotions related to trauma bonding to enhance self-compassion and secure safety for current and future relationships. 

By Marissa Ahern, LMSW

Are you familiar with that that voice that is just below the surface, undermining your accomplishments, diminishing your strengths, and playing off your deepest insecurities and fears? This voice may follow you to work, accompany you to social gatherings, be by your side when attempting to accomplish your daily responsibilities, and whispering in your ear when you spend time with loved ones. What is this disapproving voice that sounds so much like our own, judging and demeaning us at every turn?  It's your inner critic.

This voice is commonly known in psychology as the “inner critic.” Freud called it the “superego,” scientists call it “survivor brain,” and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy refers to it as “automatic negative thoughts.” Whatever you call it, much of this internal dialogue arises from messages that were given to us starting in childhood by family, teachers, friends, and society. Over time, due to our own insecurities, challenges, and negative life experiences, this voice gets louder, stronger, and more persuasive. It becomes harder and harder to identify what is reality, and what is the inner critic attempting to sabotage our emotional wellbeing. 

This sounds grim, but there is good news. You don’t have to believe everything you think. Let me say that again-YOU DON’T HAVE TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK. Humans have an average of 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts a day, 80% of which are negative. This negativity over time can lead to sadness, helplessness, agitation, fear, worry, and hopelessness. They say, “Change your thoughts, change your life.” But how do we do that, especially when this inner critic has become so strong and powerful over time?

The simple answer? It’s a process. It will take mindfulness, vigilance, and consistency to change the pervasive negative thought patterns of the inner critic. However, the inner peace, freedom, confidence, and happiness that result from doing so are beyond measure. Here are some tools to get you started on gaining freedom from your inner critic:

1. Peacefully Observe Your Inner Critic

Oftentimes when we encounter something negative, or tendency is to try to suppress, avoid, fix, manage or control it. However, when it comes to negative thoughts, doing so often results in temporary relief, and the negative thoughts often resurface with a vengeance soon after. It can be helpful to think of your inner critic as a child throwing a temper tantrum. Let your inner critic know that you hear it, but do not give it more power than it deserves by engaging with it. Find a mantra that feels right to you, conveying the message, “Ok inner critic, I hear what you are saying, but I do not wish to listen or believe that.” Remind yourself that your thoughts are just words in your head, they are not facts. It is up to you to decide how much power you wish to give these words.

2. Investigate Your Inner Critic

The inner critic often exaggerates the negative in an attempted to keep you trapped in fear and hopelessness. Take some time to investigate what the inner critic is saying. For example, “You are a horrible parent.” Ask yourself, “Are my children alive? Are they fed/clothed/bathed? Am I doing the best I can?” Chances are, your inner critic is lying to you, taking one negative event combined with your own insecurities and stating the worst. Try asking yourself some general investigative questions, such as “Is this thought helpful? Is this thought true? What might my family and friends say about this thought? Am I blaming myself unnecessarily? What does the evidence in my life say about this thought?” This will help to expose the inner critic for what it really is-an irrational, illogical, and deceptive bully. 

3. Meditate

Regular meditation practice allows you to become painfully aware of the endless chatter of the mind. As stated earlier, 80% of our thoughts are negative. Regular meditation practice will help you to gain experience in becoming mindful of your thoughts, detaching emotionally from these thoughts, and gaining the ability to pick and choose which thoughts you wish to engage with. Meditation is counterintuitive, so start small and keep your expectations low. The goal of meditation is not to be absent of thoughts. It is meant to help you gain clarity in how the mind works, and to avoid getting swept up and emotionally invested with your thoughts. 

4. Practice Self-Care

Sometimes it can be beneficial to “act as if” we love ourselves, and our thoughts will catch up with our actions over time. The inner critic is often developed through receiving messages that you are not good enough and don’t matter. By engaging in regular self-care activities, you are sending another more truthful message to your inner critic-that you are worthy of love and respect. Self-care comes in a variety of forms, such as setting limits with others, having realistic expectations, repeating positive affirmations, journaling, exercise, eating healthy, drinking water, getting a massage, reaching out for help, dancing, singing, and resting. Find out what gives you that warm and fuzzy feeling and run with it. Send the message to your inner critic that you are not believing it’s lies anymore by treating yourself with kindness and compassion.   

Battling your inner critic is not an easy task, but it is worth the fight. Remember, despite your past, challenges, and struggles, you deserve happiness. Don’t let anyone or anything tell you otherwise. If you feel you can use assistance in challenging these thoughts and finding your inner peace, don't hesitate to contact us.

– Alexandria (Alex) Fairchild, LMSW

Flashbacks are our brain’s way of processing traumatic events that we’ve experienced. Our subconscious taps into those important memories but they are not contained- meaning they tend to spill out everything related to the traumatic event. For many individuals, this experience can be just as terrifying as the initial event.

Flashbacks usually happen without warning. Most result from a “triggering” that occurs by an external experience. Triggers are typically sensory-based experiences that manifest via smells, sounds, tastes, textures that remind the person of the traumatic event. The sound of fireworks or a car backfiring can remind a soldier of gunfire. I once had a patient who would have flashbacks around flower shops, as the overwhelming smell of flowers would bring him back to his sister’s funeral.  

Living with flashbacks is very difficult, but with practice there are some ways you can work through these disturbing events:

1. Remember

Remind yourself that you are in a safe place and having a flashback. Use that self-talk and tell yourself, as many times as necessary, that these are only memories until you can feel yourself begin to calm.

2. Empower Yourself

Sometimes using your five senses can help you to be in the present moment. If one sense is causing the flashback use your other senses to place yourself in the actual current environment. The tactile experience of stamping your feet on the ground can remind yourself that you are free to get away from any situation that has become uncomfortable for you. See more here on mindfulness tips.

3. Breathe

Fear and panic causes our breathing to become shallow and erratic. Shallow our erratic breathing exacerbates the stress we feel in that moment because our body is literally panicking from a lack of oxygen. In these fearful moments, when we slow our breathing and take deeper and deeper breaths, we actually signal to our brain and body that everything is okay. One of my favorite breathing tricks is to trace one hand with the opposite. When you go up a finger breathe in, then breathe out as you trace back to the palm of you hand. Repeat till you are calm and your breathing is regular. 

4. Honor the Experience

No one wants to remember their trauma, let’s face it it’s not an easy experience and I understand you want to move on and forget it NOW. However, our bodies and our minds need time to process what has happened. It’s normal, expected, and honestly needed to experience a full range of emotions. Honor your experience and yourself for making it through and surviving.

5. Find Support

Going through trauma alone is not really advisable. I understand there may be feelings of shame, guilt, fear that are preventing you from feeling comfortable opening up. However, it is important for you to have supports 

It’s important that you let loved ones know about your to help you through this process. Opening up to trusted loved ones can allow for them to help you work through flashbacks and process what has happened. You may also want to open up to a mental health professional to gain a deeper understanding of what is happening to you, how to cope with flashbacks and triggers and work through those difficult memories and emotions. 

If you or a loved one is suffering from flashbacks and would like to explore treatment options, please be in touch, we would be happy to discuss how we may be able to help.

Stay Shining,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

Grief is a normal response to mourning the loss of a significant attachment figure. However, some people experience complicated grief characterized by an intense, prolonged mourning period focused on unhelpful, painful thoughts, dysfunctional behaviors and difficulty regulating emotions. When someone struggles with complicated grief, unique therapeutic interventions are required to address it. Complicated Grief Therapy involves seven core themes, including understanding grief, managing painful emotions, thinking about the future, strengthening relationships, telling the story of the death, learning to live with reminders and remembering the person who died. Many people with complicated grief believe that they cannot be connected to their lost loved one without constant emotional pain. Overtime this can strain relationships, prevent an individual from honoring the memory of the deceased and prohibit the person from truly being connected to their loved one. It is possible to achieve meaningful relationships while still remaining connected to the deceased with the assistance of a Complicated Grief Therapist. Psychologist, J. William Worden named the four tasks of mourning which allow us to see how integrating loss into our lives does not erase their memories, but rather preserves our connections to them. 

1. Accepting the Loss

Sometimes grief can become complicated by unhelpful, often catastrophizing thoughts that cause some people to feel they are not grieving “the right way” if they come to terms with their loss. These thoughts cause people to have dysfunctional behaviors, such as avoiding places that remind them of their loved one or constantly day dreaming about their loved one. When we distract ourselves from painful emotions with avoidant behaviors, we inadvertently keep ourselves stuck in a place that prevents us from experiencing pleasant moments of connection to our lost loved one. A main concern for people with Complicated Grief is that they might forget or dishonor their relationship with the deceased if they accept the loss. However when we spend our time refusing to accept the loss, we actually reframe our relationship with the lost loved one around their death rather than the joy and connection shared with them when they were alive. 

2. Process the Pain and Grief of the Loss

Grief is a natural, emotional process that involves a balance between times of pain and sadness and times of respite where we are able set aside out grief for a time. Those with complicated grief have difficulty stepping out of their grief and inadvertently redefine who the deceased was as a perfect being. This means that we wind up moving away from the true identity of the deceased and our actual relationship with them. In an attempt to stay connected to this idealized person we hyper focus on reminders of them to feel close to them. Despite focusing on things that exacerbate their feelings of loss, we are unable to process our pain because we stay in a place where we are so overwhelmed by our grief that we are unable to cope or connect with our loved one. Allowing ourselves time and space to heal does not mean we have forgotten our loved one. In actuality permitting ourselves to process our pain will enhance our connection to the deceased by granting ourselves the ability to truly remember who they were and to cherish our memories of the true lost loved one. 

3. Adjust to the World Without the Lost Loved One

Important people in our lives often take on specific roles. This adds another lay of adjustment and grief after someone close to us has died. We may have to take on more house chores and errands which can serve as additional reminders of the loss or we may have to go to events that we would have gone to with the deceased alone. All of these tasks call on us to adjust to the world without the deceased, not to forget them. When we are unable to make these changes we diminish our capacity to function in the world. 

4. Integrate the Loss into A Meaningful Life

The purpose of Complicated Grief counseling is to integrate the loss into the survivor’s life in a way that allows the surviving person to feel connected to the deceased while still being able to function and feel joy in their lives. The purpose of integration is to create a healing process that celebrates the bond between the survivor and the deceased and highlights the joy experienced with the deceased rather than defining the relationship by the pain experienced as a result of the deceased’s death. 

Grief is not a voyage from which we eventually return unchanged. We hold people who we have formed close connections with in our hearts, even after they have passed away. If you feel you have been in a prolonged, intense state of grief that has prevented you from living a meaningful life while maintaining a connection to your lost loved one, please call our office so we can work on adjusting to the present and redefining the future. 

Be Well,

Marissa Ahern, LMSW

Unfortunately, being a survivor of trauma or abuse is exceedingly common. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center,one in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18 years old. Additionally, they also found that one in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives.

Being a survivor of abuse can be challenging, thankfully with some self-care in place you can begin your healing journey to a healthier you.  That journey from feeling scared, afraid, angry and/or alone to a place of peace and acceptance can be an empowering one. Regardless of whether your trauma was recent or happened years ago, a daily self-care regimen will help you cope with the trauma that still affects you today.

1. Quality Sleep

An essential component of maintaining optimum physical, mental, and emotional health is ensuring you get adequate sleep each night. According to The Sleep Foundation,  “while sleep issues after a traumatic experience can be distressing, they may also be an important opportunity for treating and healing from trauma. Research suggests that being able to sleep after a traumatic event can reduce intrusive trauma-related memories and make them less distressing.” Additionally, getting adequate sleep helps to improve memory, increase positive mood and decrease stress.

2. Meditate

Meditating for just five to ten minutes can have some really positive benefits including: boosting immune response, regulating stress levels, increasing focus and elevating mood. Headspace (the App) now has a program on Netflix that not only guides you through meditations but also explains why and how a particular exercise can help you.  I’ve also always been a big fan of the App Insight Timer. I find guided meditations are often easier for people to start off with and you can then work your way into solely music, nature sounds or silent meditations. For anxious folx, guided meditation can help to give you a focus point so it is not so overwhelming in the beginning. 

3. Exercise

Exercise is beneficial for just about everyone, but for trauma survivors it can also be a way to release pent-up emotions you have relating to what has happened to you. The type of exercise is not really as important, as engaging in a daily practice of release. If you like to dance, do some Zumba, if you are more of a yoga lover, go with that. For some, taking kickboxing or jiu-jitsu can help them feel more in control after an assault and better able to defend themselves. No matter what you choose remember that exercise should be an act of self-care, meaning it should be something you enjoy- not a punishment. 

4. Positive Affirmations

For many survivors there is a good-deal of shame and guilt that comes with what has happened to them. For those reasons, it is all the more important to really focus on programing yourself with positive thoughts and beliefs. For example: “I am loved,” “I am worthy,” “I am valued,” “I am strong,” “I am enough.” I often tell client’s to pick an opposite thought to their negative self-talk, so if your inner “Karen” is saying: “I am disposable”, you say to yourself: “I am worthy and deserving of love, respect and affection”. There is a really amazing App that spams your phone, however often you set it, to give you positive affirmations called “I Am”. If its a struggle for you at first to come up with your own affirmations, I really recommend it.

This process of changing that inner voice takes time and truly is a practice so be gentle with yourself. You will have days where it works great and other days where you cannot seem to get “Karen” to stop talking. It’s okay, just take it one step, one moment at a time. 

5. Support

Support is critical need for healing, surround yourself with people who build you up, cheer you on and pick you up when you are down. If you have a solid support system don’t be afraid to engage them, by calling a friend or family member, attending a support group and/or finding a therapist. If your support system is lacking, use a smartphone app or the Meetup website to find a local, like-minded group and make some new friends.

Often times survivors feel alone and like no one can or will understand how they feel, or that they will be judged for what happened to them. However, as said in the beginning abuse is more common than we would like to believe in this country. Sharing your struggles with people who understand and care about you and your well-being is an important aspect of your healing journey. If you are a sexual abuse survivor and need some words of advise from others who have been through it but are not ready to take that step of opening up just yet, I highly recommend Dear Sister by Lisa Factora-Borchers and Aishah Shahidah Simmons - a book of letters from survivors of sexual abuse to other survivors. 

Are you a survivor of trauma or abuse? A licensed mental health professional can help you so you don’t have to go through this alone. Give our office a call today so we can set up a time to talk.

Keep Shining,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW