In the groundbreaking self-help book Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect, Webb and Musello introduce the idea of emotional neglect – an inconspicuous force from childhood that cannot be easily detected or noticed but may be significantly affecting someone in the present. It is so profound that it shapes our perceptions of ourselves, our families, and even the world. And because it happened in our earliest years within our families, without proper role models to educate us on how to regulate our emotions, many of us will not even recognize we struggle. Instead, we wade through the murky waters of life with a sense of uncertainty. We may have great difficulty with emotional regulation, feel distanced from our parents or other primary caregivers, and have turbulent relationships with others.

Emotional neglect is the most common form of child maltreatment. It is also the most hidden. Adults who experienced emotional neglect in our childhoods were usually not neglected in the broadest sense of the word (that is, our basic needs met. Also, we likely did not experience or witness physical or sexual abuse. On the surface, it may seem like we had the “normal, cookie-cutter” childhood. And because of this sense of normalcy, we truly may not know we went through emotional neglect.

Emotional neglect is not about what happened in our childhoods. It is about what did not happen, what was never spoken, and what cannot be remembered.

The 10 Red Flags of Emotional Neglect

  1. You feel empty, numb, or like you are more of an “outsider” rather than “participant” in life. Some people describe this as feeling like they are “always running on autopilot mode.”
  1. You bury your true self. You are convinced if others saw you as you truly are, your faults and all, they would dislike you. It may also be a challenge for you to show your vulnerability to others (to let down that “wall”) because you have a fear of rejection.
  1. Self-discipline is hard for you. And as a result, you may judge yourself as lazy or a chronic procrastinator. You may also have issues with binge-eating, compulsive shopping, etc. 
  2. You are strong – but this is your greatest strength and weakness. You are fiercely independent and self-reliant, which others admire about you. But it is to the point you are terrified of being dependent on someone else, even your own partner. You will do whatever possible to prevent having to ask for help or looking needy.
  3. In school, you may have been that person who asked the teacher if you could work solo instead of with a partner or group. Why? Because you knew you would get the work done rather than having to put that trust in others.
  4. You try to feel only the easy, light emotions like happiness and excitement. You block yourself off from having the darker, heavier emotions to prevent yourself from feeling them and others cannot notice. It is to the point you think you must always be happy or else there is something wrong with you. 
  5. You are “emotionally blind” – you struggle with defining your emotions or even noticing you are feeling them. Others may accuse you of “always being mad” when to you it feels normal. Or perhaps you say “I don’t know what I’m feeling” when asked.
  6. You are loving, compassionate, and forgiving toward others, but you are bitter and piercingly critical at yourself. You may even hate yourself. Ironically, you are also more understanding when others make the same mistakes or reactions and you give them a pass, but you are quick to tear yourself apart.
  7. You feel perpetually angry and resentful at yourself. You fully blame yourself for your lack of happiness.
  8. You do not know who you are. Sure, you know the raw facts about yourself. You know where you went to college or what you do for your career or whatever. But you struggle with the deeper things at the core. You may not have a solid idea of your likes and dislikes, your values, or your beliefs. You may come across as a social chameleon, taking on the interests of the people you associate with to hide your own shaky sense of self.
  9. Your care for yourself and others ends at a certain point. You may be amazing at giving practical advice, but not emotional support. You may feel awkward when others cry or otherwise show their vulnerability, or perhaps you are okay with that, but you do not allow yourself to be the same way.

Are you ready to foster yourself with love by overcoming the burdens of emotional neglect? Reach out to any of the talented therapists at Long Island EMDR. We all have a thorough education in emotional neglect as a requirement of being trauma therapists. You can reach us at 631-503-1539 and explore our team of clinicians here!

Works Cited

Webb, J., & Musello, C. (2019). Running on empty: Overcome your childhood emotional neglect. Morgan James Publishing.

About the author, Valerie Smith, LMSW

Valerie Smith, LMSW, CFTG, is a therapist, social worker, and certified forest therapy guide at Long Island EMDR under the supervision of our clinical director, Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW. Valerie possesses a bachelor and master’s degree in social work from Adelphi University and Fordham University, both from which she graduated summa cum laude. Valerie is also a certified forest therapy guide through the Association of Nature and Forest Therapy (ANFT), where she trained in the Rocky Mountains to master sensory-based, mindful activities through a biophilic perspective. Valerie is passionate about the health benefits of a plant-based diet as well as holistic wellness. Valerie is trained in EMDR and TF-CBT, with experience in DBT-informed skills. She focuses her treatment on adolescent girls and young women with C-PTSD and PTSD. Additionally, she helps people with life-threatening disease and their caregivers. Finally, she works alongside those experiencing grief and bereavement, especially young adults who lost one or both of their parents/guardians.

So your child has “Come out”? You may be feeling a lot of feelings right now, anger, confusion, upset and so on.  Whether your child comes out as gay, bisexual, nonbinary or transgender, it can be a impactful moment for everyone involved.This experience can be surprising and may leave you will a lot of feelings to process. Even parents who are allies of the LGBTQIA+ community may struggle at first to express their feelings in a helpful way, or feel a sense of loss for the future they have imagined for their child. However  while this may be difficult I encourage you to remember, your child “Coming out” means this may be the first time your child feels comfortable enough to share with you who they truly identify as. This moment is a gift and can lead to a beautiful connection between you and your child even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. So let’s discuss how we get there. 

As you begin to move through this new parenting journey with your child, it is important to remember the emotions you may be feeling are likely ones your child has also been experiencing and most likely for a much longer time.  Some of the feelings your child may have been experiencing before coming are  guilt, denial, fear of rejection, depression and uncertainty. These feelings are all normal.

Your child coming out is an opportunity  where you can help your child feel things they may have never thought they could: unconditional love, acceptance, pride, and hope for the future. Below are some helpful tips in order to help you feel more comfortable in your childs new identity as well as ways for you to show your queer child support.

What is the LGBTQIA+ Community?

One of the first things you can do to support your child is to learn about their community. It can be helpful to learn common terms in the queer community in order to communicate properly  while being respectful. So what does LGBTQIA+ stand for?  

It is important to remember that a person does not choose to be gay. A person’s sexual orientation and gender identity is natural instinct, and not a result of parenting or other outside influences. This has also been proven through both medical and scientific research.

Research has shown that children begin to develop a sense of their gender orientation  as early as preschool or kindergarten.This means our child can know who they are by the earliest age of 5 years old.  At this time it is not uncommon to start seeing signs of your child realizing they are “different.” It is  important at this time to listen to your child without  judgment or reservation no matter what age they come out at. Your child may also  express feelings surrounding the concept of them questioning their sexuality or gender. I know this may be difficult but it is important to remember this is not just a phase, but likely something your child has been struggling to understand from a very young age. 

This process can be confusing and your child may move through multiple identities throughout this process, however it is crucial to support your child through all these changes as this can lead to resentment, guilt, depression and so on from your child in the future. Some children may never go through a process of multiple identities, there is no right or wrong way for your child to discover who they are.  There is no specific way someone who identifies as a part of the community should look or act.

Let’s talk Support!

Unfortunately even though we are beginning to live in a world more accepting of the LGBTQIA+ community many people still view hetro relationships as the standard. Due to this, there has been a long history of violence and hateful treatment of LGBTQIA+ individuals. In many communities and religious groups to this day, people who are openly queer are unwelcome.

School-age children who identify as queer are at-risk for bullying and now with social media much of this harassment has moved to online. Teens who are struggling to understand and accept their LGBTQIA+ identity without support from loved ones face a unique set of challenges.

According to research done by the Trevor Project: 

Due to this, mental health concerns for teens in the LGBTQ community are something that must be acknowledged. However, your support and unconditional love can drastically improve a child in this position’s mental health. 

In other words: Offering your support and love can be one of the easiest and most powerful ways you can help your child feel more comfortable through this journey.

Tips on How to Show Support to an LGBTQ Loved One:

  1. Let the love show!
    Words of affirmations are one of the easiest ways to help your child feel supported. The words “I love you” is a simple way to help your child feel accepted no matter their identity. While this experience can be overwhelming and leave you with many complex emotions, do not  underestimate the importance of reminding your child they are loved. While you can’t turn back time and undo pain you have created by making negative/ thoughtless remarks, putting your best foot forward letting your child know you love them can do wonders.
  2. Make Home feel like a safe haven.
    Home should be a place where everyone in the family feels safe, respected and supported. Some ways you can make your LGBTQIA+ child feel happy at home is by:

    • Using their identified pronouns, or preferred name
    • Eliminating the use of slurs and harmful language
    • Calling out bias, discrimination, and hate speech, and refusing to allow this behavior from guests or other family members
  3. Be an advocate and an ally.
    Just like any other child it is your job as a parent to be an advocate for your child’s needs. Pay attention to warning signs of a need for mental health support. If you suspect or your child has told you they are being bullied make sure to discuss with your child, a teacher and the school on ways you can make your child’s experiences away from you more comfortable.Make sure to stay on top of issues like this. 
  4. Educate yourself.
    Take some time to learn about the LGBTQIA+ community even if you aren’t yet fully comfortable or supportive of this experience, education can help you begin to get there.Often we reject things we do not understand, learning more about your child’s new community may give you the ability to meet your child where they are. If your religious beliefs or cultural beliefs  are part of why you are struggling to  supporting the queer community, i encourage you to realize we can offer love and support even when we do not agree fully with the actions of someone and their life. 

Find support.
As I have continually stated throughout this blog, THIS IS NOT EASY, at times you will feel overwhelmed, lost, confused and so many other emotions. Due to this it is important to also take care of you here, consider seeking mental health support not just for your child but also for you. Seek out support groups, it can be helpful to speak to other parents also moving through this experience. Family therapy with your child can also be helpful in order to move through whatever heavy feelings may be coming up for both of you with a trained professional.

So Where Can I Find Therapy?

If you or your child are looking for LGBTQIA+ affirming counseling, Long Island EMDR is a wonderful resource. We offer various types of therapy such as Art therapy, EMDR, Family Therapy, Trauma Therapy, Telehealth and so many other resources. Our culturally competent staff are trained to provide all our clients the tools to navigate through whatever experiences they are going through. We want to help you not only to feel good in your skin  but to also feel supported and heard throughout this journey. 

Read more about our clinicians taking on new clients here  or call us at 631-503-1539 to speak with one of the members of our team! 

We are wishing you a beautiful experience of discovering the beauty that is your child and we hope to offer you support in whatever way we can!

-Jillian Martino, CAT-LP

group therapy

Therapy has come a long way with becoming normalized in our culture. More people are comfortable with letting others know themselves or a loved one is engaged in therapy. Seeking help in this manner is more likely today to be viewed as a strength rather than a weakness. Although some of the old ideas that therapy is only for “crazy” people may still remain, especially depending on a person’s age, culture, religion, and upbringing, individuals are more open to therapy now than ever before. What about group therapy?

I recently ran a therapeutic group for individuals who experience anxiety and depression. I suggested the group out to my current clients who attend individual therapy with me. Some exhibited resistance to joining the group, of which I believe to be representative of concerns regarding participating in the group therapy process. Below are some quotes from clients regarding their resistance to the group therapy process, along with my clinical expertise and knowledge of what we know about group therapy.

“I don’t need group therapy. I have individual therapy and that is all I need.”

Before seeking individual therapy, many people I work with resisted doing so with the same argument, “I don’t think I need it.” In Western civilization, we are programmed to value individualism, which involves being independent and self-reliant. Asking for help can be seen as weakness and is often a last resort. As stated earlier, this maladaptive belief has been challenged over the years, however it may still take time, energy, and suffering before we are able to convince ourselves to utilize the help and support available to us. While individual therapy IS extremely beneficial, why not use all the resources available? Also, while a therapist can offer one perspective/set of experiences, group members can offer countless.

“I don’t trust people.”

People may think, “It was hard enough for me to open up to you, now you want me to do it again with a bunch of strangers?” There are many reasons why not trusting people is a great reason TO join group therapy. As part of joining a therapeutic group, group members must sign a group agreement which clearly outlines the rules and expectations of the group. Group members are bound to confidentiality in order to preserve the safety and security of the group. It is the job of the group facilitator to ensure a safe and protected group atmosphere. Also, you are able to share as much or as little as you wish in a group setting. Many members spend a majority of initial group sessions just listening or sharing very little. You have control of what you chose to share with the group, and when. A therapeutic group is a great way to rebuild trust of others, due to the high measure of structure and emotional safety measures that are in place.

“What can these people tell me that a trained professional can’t?”

Many express being weary of taking advice or suggestions from someone who “is at the same level as me.” However, along with therapy being destigmatized, there is also a large amount of scientific evidence that shows that peer support is an extremely effective modality of helping others. Many agencies hire peer support specialists in addition to trained counselors to meet with and offer support, as both are scientifically proven to be beneficial. Although feedback can occur in a group setting, it is more so the shared experiences and common humanity that make group therapy so powerful. Understanding that you are not alone with your emotions, fears, and challenges can be extremely therapeutic. Fostering connection in a meaningful way is something we all crave, and the impact of this can often not be explained in words.

There are a number of groups out there with different topics, focuses, demographics, and structure. Check out the Group Therapy page of our website under “Services” to learn more about upcoming groups with Long Island EMDR. Give yourself the gift the support and comfort that group therapy provides; you have little to lose and everything to gain.

- Alexandria Baxter, LMSW

Losing a parent is a life-changing, profound experience that almost everyone will go through at least once. In fact, the death of a parent is one of the most common types of death, and as a society, we expect we will outlive our parents. As a result, while the grief that accompanies the death of a parent can quickly be recognized with the inundation of flowers and sympathy cards, this commonality seems to minimize the loss and makes us think we should “get over” it soon. The truth is, it can still be a tremendous loss – and this sense of “get over it” can make the healing even more difficult because it comes with guilt.

While the death of a parent regardless of one’s age is universally a colossal experience, the death of a mother or father as a young adult can be even more devastating because it is compounded with unique obstacles. For instance, there are milestones that the parent is expected to be present for, such as college graduations or weddings, and it can seem impossible for anyone else to fill that space. Plus, for young adults, this type of loss can be especially difficult because they are on the cusp of dependence versus independence. While they strive to depend on themselves, they still may turn to their parents for financial assistance, emotional support, or the wisdom of lived experience.

And we know this much: When a parent dies suddenly or expectedly, there is an absence – an emptiness, perhaps – that arrives with the realization someone so significant is gone. Regardless of the relationship dynamics, whether it was balanced and warm versus chaotic or cold, the death will have a huge impact.

Some beliefs among young adults who have dealt with the death of one or both parents

“I feel so alone and misunderstood.”

“My best friend says she ‘get its’ because she lost her grandma. But I lost my mom. It’s just not the same.”

“I will never feel loved that way again.”

“Everyone is telling me I need to ‘get over it’ and start living my life. But how am I supposed to move forward knowing I’ll never hear Mom’s voice ever again?”

“Dad’s gone. Who is going to walk me down the aisle?”

“I’m so sick and tired of my friends complaining about their silly problems! They have no idea what it’s like to be in this much pain!”

“I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I wanted so desperately to have a family of my own. Now that I’m pregnant, I should feel excited. But instead, I’m just thinking about that my baby will grow up without grandparents.”

“Thanksgiving is going to be weird this year. Dad always sat at the head of the table. He always carved the turkey. He always said grace. I just don’t even want to go.”

“Mom has been an absolute mess ever since Dad’s been gone. I want to help her, but she doesn’t seem to care that I’m hurting too. It feels like she’s gone too even though she’s here.”

“They say they’re ‘here for me’ but they’re not. No one wants to talk about Dad anymore now that the funeral’s over. If I say something, I’ll sound negative.”

“My friends have told me I need to start ‘living my life’ again. They’re sick of me being so mopey and depressed. I’ve noticed they’re pulling away from me. Now I feel like I’ve not only lost my parents, but even my own friends, the same people who said they’ll always be there for me no matter what.”

“I hate to admit it… I feel guilty saying it… but yeah, I’m jealous of my friends. While they’re looking forward to happy things like getting married or graduation, I’m taking care of my mother who is terminal. She’s going to die and that’s that.”

“It pisses me off when people tell me ‘She’s in a better place now.’ It invalidates how I’m feeling.”

Above: Me on my wedding day, trying to replicate my most favorite photograph of my mother on her wedding day in an effort to feel her presence again.

The adult orphan syndrome following the death of a parent

For most people, they have known their parent(s) longer than anyone else in their lives. Whether the relationship was positive or negative, or there were additional issues like separation, parents still shape their children.

The identity of “son” or “daughter” is the first identity upon us all. Most people were cared for by their parents as they grew up, even if not done well, and their parents witnessed all the obstacles along the way – seeing all the rises and falls, all the happiness and despair, all the pulling in and pushing away for guidance.

By adulthood, we have formed far more identities while carrying over some from childhood. Yet the age never matters – we continue to be a son or daughter, the role carried from since the beginning.

To lose a parent thus brings about a role loss. When I lost both of my parents, I realized my first role – “I am a daughter” – was destroyed too. And my first sense of constancy, of a promise something will always endure, had died too. We all seem to realize we will likely outlive our parents, but the idea of them dying is so often shaken off until it happens. We see the relationship as permanent as the sun rising with every dawn.

Losing a parent in adulthood can bring about complicated emotions, one of them being abandonment. Even people who are very independent from their parents can still feel abandoned because the sense of constancy has been disrupted.

For young adults who were the main caregiver for an aging, disabled, or ill parent, the grief can be exacerbated since two roles are now lost: the role of being one’s child but also serving as their “parent.” It may also mean having to adopt new roles in the family going forward, such as needing to help the surviving parent with paying bills because they feel overwhelmed and that was always done by their spouse.

All of these issues are recognized by some researchers as what they call “adult orphan syndrome” in that the feelings of abandonment, confusion, role changes, lack of support, and idea of being alone are universal regardless of age. For some, the idea of being an orphan as an adult may sound insensitive to children who are orphaned, but it is not meant to compare or dull that pain – only meant to show that the feelings and complications can still exist.

It is interesting, too, that this type of loss has no such word in English. An orphan literally means a child whose parents are dead. A widow is a woman who lost her spouse; a widower a man who lost his spouse. Yet why not a word for those who lost a parent in adulthood?

Challenges faced by young adults experiencing parent loss

Although parent loss can be painful at any age, there are differences that are driven by our age brackets.

First of all, most young adults have parents who are alive and likely well. They may be mostly independent, but they know they can still rely on their parents when needed (obviously there are exceptions, but I am speaking in general). They and their friends will be “going home” for the holidays during college breaks to stay with their parents. They know their parents will be there at their commencement ceremonies, sharing in their joy for their successes. They excitingly call their parents when they get engaged, wanting them to be the very first people to know. Then during the engagement months, their parents are involved too, with the mother helping with choosing the dress and adorning her daughter on her wedding day, and the father walking her down the aisle. Parents, too, are also usually the first to learn when their child and the child’s partner are expecting a baby. And they are there for the baptism or other ceremonies, there for the birthday parties, the holidays, for help with childcare.

While these above milestones can still occur despite the death of one or both parents, it feels different. I will honestly admit I skipped my commencement ceremonies from college and graduate school (the pandemic did postpone the latter ceremony by a year, but regardless, I still did not go even when it was happening). I did not want to be “that person” who was there without their parents, that adult orphan. And while I was proud of myself, having been summa cum laude both times, I did not feel there were others to share in that sense of accomplishment.

I can also say that among my friends and family members, most of them do not understand what I have gone through as a parentless young adult. That is not subjective; it is factual. Some are fortunate to still have their parents. Others have lost their parents, but that was not until their mothers and fathers were in their geriatric years. My grandmother died at the advanced age of 93, an age considered a “life well lived.” My mother died at 57. While the adult orphan syndrome happens at any age, and pain is pain, it still does not feel the same. There is the lingering thought, “she should be here.”

Healing from parent loss as a young adult

The goal of bereavement therapy is not to “get back to normal.” That is impossible, for life has forever changed due to the death of the parent. The idea of having to “move on” is counterproductive, and in fact can make someone feel worse because they are burying the emotions they need to process. Instead, the goal after such a loss is to learn to redefine one’s life and to feel fulfilled despite the loss. It also not only the loss itself that must be explored, but also the update in roles, the severance of expectations, and all other things that come with death.

Losing one’s parent can unearth disturbing thoughts. It can make someone question their own mortality with the realization they too will die someday. They may think things like, “since Dad died at 45, that means I’ll die at 45 too” even if they realize that is irrational. Additionally, it can make one reflect on the importance of other relationships in their lives. One person may become closer to their siblings or friends, while others may distance themselves, and still others may decide to focus solely on their spouses and their children.

Such a loss can also be an inspiration to make newfound changes in one’s life – some for the better. For me, I was smacked with the realization of, “I must rely on myself. I am an adult” the moment my father died. This realization did not strike me when I moved out at age 19 to live across the country. It did not fall upon me on my wedding day. Hell, it did not even come up during the discussions with my husband about starting our own family. No, it really took him dying for me to have this fricken’ epiphany. Only a month after his death, I was on job interviews to have greater opportunities. Right now on the weekends, I am house-hunting with my husband rather than doing the same ol’, some ol’ things we did with our friends. We are trying to conceive.

I was already following a plant-based and low-alcohol lifestyle, but after my father died, I made the full commitment to being healthy. I make selective, nutritious choices, and I do not drink at all. A healthy lifestyle is my priority now, my sworn vow to myself, because I don’t want to die the way my parents did if I can help it. I want to live. One profound effect of the loss of one or both parents is the opportunity for positive changes.

The next step

Long Island EMDR recognizes the aftermath of a death is a significant, life-altering process. Some of our clinicians specialize in grief and bereavement, including having specialized training in this important field. We offer individual therapy and group therapy for this topic. In fact, we are even starting a group called Millennials in Mourning, which is specifically for Millennials and older Zoomers who have experienced parental loss. It will be led by me, Valerie Smith!

Reach out today to learn how we can help you navigate through this challenge while building a brighter future.

About the author, Valerie Smith, LMSW
Valerie Smith, LMSW, CFTG, is a therapist, social worker, and certified forest therapy guide at Long Island EMDR under the supervision of our clinical director, Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW. Valerie possesses a bachelor and master’s degree in social work from Adelphi University and Fordham University, both from which she graduated summa cum laude. Valerie is also a certified forest therapy guide through the Association of Nature and Forest Therapy (ANFT), where she trained in the Rocky Mountains to master sensory-based, mindful activities through a biophilic perspective. Valerie is passionate about the health benefits of a plant-based diet as well as holistic wellness. Valerie is trained in EMDR and TF-CBT, with experience in DBT-informed skills. She focuses her treatment on adolescent girls and young women with C-PTSD and PTSD. Additionally, she helps people with life-threatening disease and their caregivers. Finally, she works alongside those experiencing grief and bereavement, especially young adults who lost one or both of their parents/guardians.

Everyone ruminates. Whether it’s thinking about something we said to someone, something we did wrong, or some recent event that is stuck in our mind. Ruminating thoughts can be defined as repetitive and recurrent, negative, thinking about past experiences and emotions (Michael, et al., 2007). However, while everyone experiences ruminating thoughts at some point in their life, for some, rumination can be distressing, difficult to stop, and can lead to dysfunction in their day-to-day lives.

Why do we ruminate?

When we think about ruminating, it’s important to acknowledge that it often comes from an effort to cope with distress. For instance, analyzing an experience can better prepare us to encounter a similar experience in the future. Or it can help us mend some relationships that were negatively impacted by an event in the past. But, when these thoughts aren’t leading to any productive change we can see individuals obsess over these thoughts, become anxious and depressed, isolate, or begin using / increasing their use of mind-altering substances.

Types of ruminating thoughts?

Ruminating thoughts can be very diverse. For some, they may ruminate about their hands being dirty and that they may get sick. Others may ruminate about suicidal thoughts, including existential themes about the meaning of life. Some may continually think about a traumatic experience, like an assault or some form of abuse. As well, some of these ruminating thoughts may be untrue distortions of events. For example, repeatedly thinking about being sexually assaulted may come with false thoughts that the victim somehow provoked their assailant or deserved to be assaulted.

Are my ruminating thoughts true?

Our experiences mold our self-esteem, or the way we perceive our behaviors, abilities and traits. A traumatic experience can leave individuals with warped perceptions of themselves that can have a detrimental effect on their day-to-day lives. Especially the formation of a negative self-esteem, or negative self-concept, is associated with feeling disempowered, hopeless, and helpless. Ruminating on these experiences, or even these self-beliefs, has been shown to exacerbate and prolong negative moods, and hinder social interaction and problem-solving skills (Wang, et. al, 2018).

Are ruminating thoughts part of a diagnosis?

Ruminating thoughts can be associated with a number of mental health diagnoses, including:
● Depression 

● General and social anxiety 

● Substance abuse disorder 

● Bulimia 

● Binge eating disorder 

● Obsessive-compulsive disorder

● Post-traumatic stress disorder 

● Personality disorders, like borderline personality disorder 

There is hope!

Ruminating thoughts are treatable and manageable. Treatment often aims to interrupt the thought processes and improve coping skills to replace rumination. Some individuals find relief from medication management, cognitive-behavioral therapies, and mindfulness techniques. 

If you experience ruminating thoughts and are looking for a way to move forward, please call our office and schedule an appointment. Our licensed clinicians and therapists on staff would be more than happy to work with you.

-Nicholas Costa, SFT Social Work Intern

Being a parent is not easy. Being a mom is pretty rough too. I recently watched a show called “Better Things” about a single mother (working in Hollywood) raising her 3 daughters. At some point in the show, one of the daughters made a comment about single mothers. Another character said, “All mothers are single mothers.” That hit me hard. As supportive as my husband is, and as an amazing father he is to our two perfect little children, it wasn’t always like that. Today I can confidently say that I do not feel like a single mother. I feel like my partner contributes many things he once did not, whether it be with the children or with household responsibilities. At some point in my life with children, I felt like if I had to leave the house, I had to set my husband up like a babysitter and have diapers, wipes, cream, outfits, bottles, blankets, etc., all ready for him so he would have no hiccups during those times with the baby/toddler. 

That and along with the million other tasks I was responsible for, it became exhausting to say the least. I felt like I was on autopilot and not enjoying my life anymore. At that time, I was craving for my husband to just do and not be asked. It took a lot of therapy (individual and couples) for me to feel confident enough to communicate what I needed from him, and it took effort on his part to meet me halfway. We tell our children that we are a team, and everyone must do their part for each of us to feel happy and safe. My husband and I forgot what it meant to be a team to each other for a long time, and thankfully, today, I do feel like I have a trustworthy team member when raising our children. I do not leave my house with instructions for him like I would for a babysitter. I just leave knowing that he’s got this, and he does. In fact, he always was capable given the chance. 

We often feel overwhelmed and burnout because we feel like the only one on the team who is participating.  We plan most things, we are the ones packing for more than just ourselves for vacations. In the mornings, we get ourselves and 1,2, or 3+ people ready for the day, and then ready for bedtime at night. Learning and practicing ways to effectively communicate with confidence can help alleviate this feeling of burnout and make more time for us to be ourselves. 

The Mental Load

Kelly Gonsalves from mindbodygreen.com writes about The Mental Load that women typically go through in which she defines as: “The mental load is a term for the invisible labor involved in managing a household and family, which typically falls on women's shoulders. Also sometimes referred to as "worry work" or "cognitive labor," the mental load is about not the physical tasks but rather the overseeing of those tasks.” This comic explains it the best:   https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Breaking the Cycle

It’s easier said than done- for sure I’ve lived this life. But putting in the work I promise is worth it. Here are some tips that have helped me to improve communication with my spouse.

1. Listening

Listening to what the other person is trying to say. As well as listening, not only to my children and my partner, but to myself. Listening to your feelings, triggers, warning signs, body sensations, or anything that might tell you that you need a break. Tips to Help You Actively Listen:

Focus fully on who is talking. This means not multitasking mama. Put the phone down, stop doing the laundry, stop thinking of the 20 other things you need to do.  Engage. Make eye contact and be fully present with that person. If you find it hard to concentrate on what they are saying, repeating their words in your head it’ll reinforce them. Or check in on yourself- maybe you are not in the best emotional state to be having this conversation. If that’s the case take a break and tell them you will talk in an hour when your calm so you can be really present for them

Avoid interrupting or trying to redirect the conversation to your concerns. If you are coming up with a rebuttal or how to get the conversation back to your main concern- you're not really listening to them. You cannot listen fully and be thinking about what you will say next. If your doing this it can show through your non-verbal cues like your body language and facial expressions. 

Show you understand what they are saying. Ask clarifying questions. Repeat a summary of what you heard so they can clarify for you. A lot of time miscommunication is what happens when we think another person is inferring something or we get fixated on the words they use- losing the message behind the words. Clarify. Some examples: “when you said ‘x’ are you saying that you feel ‘xyz’”.”what do you mean when you say…” “is this what you mean..” “Sounds like you are saying…”

Focus on understanding not judging. When we judge others there are a lot of value statements about what is right and wrong. Understanding is trying to see why they think the way they do, even if we don’t agree with it. It’s about empathizing with their position and understanding their pain-points- that’s how you find solutions. NOT the blame and shame game.

2. Paying attention to the non-verbal cues. 

Both your body language and theirs. Make sure you are “open” with your body language. No crossing of arms or legs. Face should be understanding or neutral and your tone is important. If either of you are showing non-verbal cues that you're angry or anxious- table the conversation till you are both calm.

3. Managing your emotions

Being a mother means repeating yourself, having tiny voices repeat themselves around you, making messes everywhere, and invading your personal space all day everyday. It is easy to feel as though you might explode with frustration. Learning how to manage those explosive feelings and reactions can not only help you to feel sane, but can teach your children by example how to control themselves. Learning how to manage your emotions may come in the form of daily meditation, individual/couples therapy, or even with medication as prescribed and monitored by a psychiatrist. This also means paying attention to your triggers and warning signs and “tapping out” when you need a break. Walking away and taking space, even if it’s in the bathroom for 5 minutes, can help you to recenter yourself so you are not losing it on the family.

4. Be assertive

Being assertive to get what you want is not always easy, especially if you feel the burden of being the primary caregiver/housekeeper/shopper/activity planner, you know the be-all-end-all? Learning how to and practicing how to be assertive can change your life for the better and alleviate some of the pressures in life. It can also instill self-confidence in your children when you hold your boundaries and empower them to learn how to do for themselves!  Honestly- same goes for the spouse. 

5. Surround yourself with positive people that lift you up!

 Having the right circle of support is key to really beginning to make these changes! Let’s be honest, for most of us we have been conditioned from childhood to help and please others. To neglect ourselves, our feelings and our needs. If you don’t get some people around you who are cheering you on to break the cycle- so that your kids don’t have that inner voice that says “my feelings and needs don’t matter”- it’s just going to be constant criticism from the people around you who instilled that value! And that coupled with change being so uncomfortable to begin with is not a good recipe for success. 

Sound Like You?

It takes a lot of work and consistency for oneself to feel confident and empowered enough to set boundaries and expectations that are reasonable for everyone involved (including you momma!!). Joining a support group with people going through similar struggles can be a helpful way to join forces and empower each other to take back our voice, our alone time, our self-care, our guilty pleasures, and most importantly, the confidence to achieve these things in an appropriate and reasonable way.  We all deserve this, and the saying “it takes a village” doesn’t just mean to raise a family, it also means to support the caregivers and mothers in our lives in different ways. If you are interested in receiving individual therapy from a woman who has truly been there, schedule with me today. If you feel you need a support group of like minded-woman join inquire about our “Don’t Know How She Does It Group”. I would love to help you become the woman you were born to be!

Sending Love,
Kristy Casper, LCSW

Art therapy is a newer form of therapy. It is an integrative mental health practice that is designed to improve the lives of individuals, families, and communities through the process of art-making, creative process, applied psychological theory, and human experience within a therapeutic relationship.

Art therapy should be done by a trained professional of art therapy. This will improve the  effectiveness as art therapists are trained to create art therapy exercises that are designed to not only support you but also to help move deeper into your therapeutic goal.  Art therapists are trained to use their knowledge to support your personal and therapeutic treatment goals throughout treatment. Art therapy has been used to improve cognitive and  sensorimotor functions, help support a better relationship with self-esteem and self-awareness, produce emotional resilience, promote insight, enhance social skills, reduce and resolve conflicts and distress.

Art therapy is a wonderful tool therapists use to help patients interpret, express, and resolve their emotions and thoughts. This is a newer type of therapy and was first established in the 1940s however the practice did not become more widespread till the 1970s. Like other expressive arts therapy, such as dance therapy or music therapy, it draws on creativity.

Inaccurate Use of Term 'Art Therapy'

Often people mistake  “Art therapy” for things that are not necessarily due  to a lack of knowledge about the profession. However these situations provide an opportunity to offer accurate information and educate the public. This modality must be done by a trained art therapist or it is technically not art therapy. Some products that are mistaken for art therapy are adult coloring books and paint by numbers. Art therapists are not art teachers, their goal is not to make you a better artist but to help you improve your mental state through the use of art.

How Art Therapy Works

Many people ask "What is art therapy and how does it work?" It is all about  expression. The process of creating is the most important thing, not the end product which is why anyone can do it. Often many people shy away due to a fear of not being an artist but this type of therapy is for anyone. It is designed to use the expressive arts as a way for people to understand and respond to their emotions and thoughts with a valuable new perspective, not only that artistic expression is good for mental health as it is often related to relaxation.

During a session, an art therapist works with clients to understand what is causing them distress. Then the therapist guides the client to create art with an art directive that addresses the cause of their issue or explores it further. During a session, art therapists may:

Through different mediums and art techniques art therapy engages the mind, body, and spirit in ways that are not dependent on verbal articulation alone. Due to the way it engages the body and mind it causes various symbols to be created through the art process, this process also invites modes of receptive and expressive communication, which can benefit those who have limitations of language.

Who are Art Therapists

Art therapists are clinicians who are trained both in traditional clinical therapy and art therapy. Art therapists work with people of all ages and various populations. All art therapists are required to follow an ethical code. All art therapists are also required to have a master’s level education, as well as engage in supervision hours under a trained professional in order to obtain their license. This prepares them for various populations and gives them the ability to perfect their work.

Where Art Therapists Work

Art therapists work with individuals, couples, families, and groups in diverse settings. Some examples include:

Does Art Therapy Work?

There is growing evidence that art therapy helps conditions such as anxiety and depression, trauma, low self-esteem, PTSD, Bipolar  and similar disorders. It has also been used with those facing terminal illnesses such as cancer and those hospitalized experiencing pain, as well as it has been used with people working to develop effective coping skills, including prison inmates

Many clients are reluctant to explore art therapy because they think that they have to have artistic talent for it to work or see it as "arts and crafts" rather than see it as an effective tool. This mindset can be very limiting and can hinder the  effectiveness for these clients. It is important to go in with an open mind.

Is Art Therapy a Good Fit?

There's no way to tell for certain whether art therapy is a good fit for any given person. Therapy is not one-size-fits-all, and a client and therapist may need to use multiple different approaches and techniques in order to find what works best for you. However, if a patient is drawn to art or has had trouble expressing with traditional therapy, art therapy may be a wonderful fit for you.

When choosing a therapist it is good to consider the following. As a potential client, ask about:

Often you should be able to tell in 1-3 sessions if this works for you.

Think Art Therapy Would Benefit You?

If you feel like art may be a good avenue for you to work through your mental health concerns please call our office and ask for Jillian Martino. Jill is our art therapist on staff and would be more than happy to help you work through your concerns through art. Jill specializes in LGBT issues, trauma, children and couples. Contact our office today to set up a free 15 minute consultation.

-Jillian Martino, CAT-LP

Do you find yourself struggling to work up the motivation to get things done during the winter months? Maybe you feel more lethargic and just not yourself? The shorter days of winter in New York can really affect our mood and overall mental wellbeing. So what can you do to shake the winter blues, lift your spirits and overcome the dark, gloomy winter days?

1. Check your Vitamin D Levels

Vitamin D is a nutrient that has been linked to sharper thinking and better emotional health. Sunlight is a major source of Vitamin D, and experts say we should get outside for at least 10 to 30 minutes per day. Since we have less hours of sunlight during the winter months, we naturally have lower levels of Vitamin D. Getting outside can be tough when it’s cold, but there are other ways you can still get nutrients from the sunlight. You can drink your morning cup of coffee by the window, or set up your work area in a space of your home/office that is filled with natural sunlight. They also make lamps that simulate natural light to help. 

2. Get Some Exercise

Even though it’s cold outside, we can still find ways to get in the recommended 30 minutes of exercise each day. And you don’t need to pay for a gym membership to accomplish this. You can still bundle up and take a walk outside, or you can find plenty of indoor exercises, too. Walk up and down the stairs in your house a few times, or stick with some of the basics like sit-ups, push-ups, lunges, and planks. You can even do a quick google search of at-home workouts and find millions of articles or videos to follow along, kick-box the winter blues goodbye.

3. Stay Consistent with your Sleep Routine

You may find yourself sleeping more during the winter months since it’s darker outside. Some doctors have even suggested that the darkness of winter disrupts our circadian rhythm (our “biological clock”), which affects our sleep-wake cycle. Try setting an alarm so you can get in the routine of going to bed and waking up at the same time every day. If you’re finding it hard to get to sleep, try a new bedtime routine like putting your phone on silent and winding down with a cup of herbal tea.

4. Pay Attention to your Diet

Eating a healthy diet is important year-round, but maybe you find yourself slacking a little more in the winter. Making a slight adjustment to your diet can boost your overall mood. Eating more protein and complex carbohydrates such as whole grains, fruits, and vegetables will give you more energy. You can also incorporate more Vitamin D into your diet to make up for the lack of sunlight we spoke about earlier. Things like fatty fish and fish oils are high in Vitamin D, but you can also find Vitamin D in some foods such as milk, orange juice, cereal and yogurts (check the Nutrition Facts on labels to be sure). Eating healthy is a good start to combating those winter blues.

5. See a Therapist

If making some of these adjustments doesn’t seem to be boosting your mood, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can help determine if you are experiencing the “winter blues”, or if it’s something more serious. If your mood starts to impact your work performance or other day-to-day tasks, you may have a depressive disorder like Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). A therapist will provide you support through the process, and will help you to identify coping skills that you can utilize for years to come. If you think psychotherapy may benefit you, feel free to reach out to our office to schedule an appointment.

The Importance of Family Therapy

The common reasons why families go to family therapy are emotional and behavioral problems. These problems are not a child's fault alone, but rather a product of their environment, which is the family.

Although the term family is often associated with blood relatives, it also refers to those individuals who play a supportive role in a child's life. In order to be effective, family therapy must take into account the behavior of all these individuals.

During sessions, therapists are often called upon to take sides. This tactic can be an oversight since the therapist is being asked to treat an entire family. Focusing on a single member of the family can reinforce the therapist's preconceived notions about the family, which is not always helpful.

long island therapist

To avoid this problem, it is important for the psychiatric therapist to develop the ability to work across differences and to be objective.

The goal of family therapy is to improve the lives of all family members. While it can help a struggling family member, it also focuses on the whole family. The approach will depend on the family's situation and the characteristics of the different members.

For instance, a therapy session may focus on one member, while a more intensive approach may address the entire family. This will also depend on whether children are involved and the level of functioning of each individual. If you're in need of a family therapist get in contact with Long Island EMDR today

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