A man with too much to do and post its all over him

Let’s dive into something a lot of us struggle with—over-identification. You know that feeling when your identity gets all tangled up with your responsibilities? It’s like you’re carrying around a heavy backpack stuffed with everyone else’s needs, problems, and expectations. Before you know it, that load is exhausting, and you’ve lost sight of who you are outside of what you do. Sound familiar? It’s okay to care deeply about your work, your family, or your friends—but you’re so much more than the roles you play. So, let’s talk about how to start noticing when you’re slipping into this pattern and how to gently reclaim yourself.

The Detachment Myth

You’ve probably heard it before—just detach, they say. Don’t care so much. But let’s be real for a second. Completely detaching doesn’t work. Not for me, not for you, not for anyone who genuinely cares. When you shut yourself off and detach, you end up feeling empty and disconnected, like you’re just going through the motions. No one wants that.

What we need is balance, not an all-or-nothing approach. Think of it like holding a balloon on a string. If you grip it too tight, it might burst. But if you let go completely, it floats away. The trick is finding that middle ground—being invested, but not so attached that you lose yourself in the process. You’re allowed to care deeply and still keep a hold on your own peace. This is where the magic happens: when you’re engaged without burning out, passionate without being consumed.

Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Let’s talk about boundaries. I know, it sounds serious, but it’s really about being honest with yourself about what you can handle. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s self-preservation. It’s about knowing your limits and respecting them. And guess what? When you say “no” to something that overwhelms you, you’re actually saying “yes” to your peace. No guilt, no apologies.

Healthy boundaries don’t just help you; they actually make things better for everyone around you. When you’re clear about what you can and can’t take on, people know where you stand. And trust me, that clarity can be a game-changer. Studies even show that when we blur the lines between work and personal life, it leads to more emotional exhaustion. But when we establish boundaries and live a healthier lifestyle, it softens that impact. Isn’t it empowering to know that a simple “no” can protect your well-being?

Maintaining Your Personal Identity

Hats on a rack.

Now, let’s talk about you. When was the last time you did something just for yourself? When we’re constantly wearing different hats—caretaker, professional, partner, friend—it’s easy to forget that there’s a whole person underneath. You’re not just defined by what you do for others; you have your own dreams, quirks, and passions. They deserve space, too.

Take a moment to think about what makes you feel alive. Is it painting, dancing, reading, or taking a quiet walk? Whatever it is, make time for it. Even if it’s just 15 minutes to sip your coffee in peace, those moments matter. They’re what recharge you, remind you who you are, and keep you grounded. You deserve that time to be just you—not someone’s caretaker, not the problem-solver—just you. Those small moments of joy? Hold onto them tightly. They’re yours, and they matter.

Nurturing Passion Without Attachment

Here’s the thing—being passionate doesn’t have to mean being consumed. Imagine putting your energy into a project, a relationship, or even a goal and focusing on the experience itself, rather than the outcome. It’s like savoring a meal instead of rushing to the end. When you shift your mindset like this, you free yourself from perfectionism and constant pressure. You’re not letting go of care; you’re letting go of the idea that everything has to be perfect.

This doesn’t mean you care less. In fact, it can mean you care more—about the right things. You can put your heart into something without being crushed if it doesn’t go exactly as planned. This kind of balanced passion lets you stay true to yourself and maintain your well-being. Dive in, but leave room to breathe. Love deeply, but don’t lose yourself. That’s where the real magic happens.

Trusting and Letting Go

Women trusting each other

Let’s be honest—trusting others and the process can feel scary. Letting go of control is hard, especially when you care so much. But holding on too tight? It’s exhausting. It’s like gripping sand in your hand—the tighter you hold, the more slips away. Trusting means loosening that grip just enough. It’s about believing in yourself and others, and knowing that things will unfold as they’re meant to.

And guess what? You don’t have to carry every burden alone. Letting others step in can actually strengthen your relationships and ease your load. You deserve that peace. Trust more, stress less. Caring deeply doesn’t mean you have to carry it all. You can let go without detaching, and you can love without losing yourself. You deserve to feel light, free, and at peace.

Last Thoughts...

If you find yourself overwhelmed by these patterns or struggling to let go of the role of the rescuer, consider reaching out for intensive EMDR sessions. It can help you explore and heal these deeply rooted beliefs, making it easier to say no without guilt and honor your own needs. You deserve that freedom. You deserve to care without carrying the weight of the world.

With love and light,

Jamie Vollmoeller LCSW, CCTP

Many of my clients have difficulty living the life they want and need to feel truly happy. They struggle with expectations placed on them by others, feelings of guilt if they put themselves first and most days feel like they cannot catch their breathe. Trauma therapy, like EMDR for example, can help you to end old patterns and put yourself first. Self-care isn't selfish- I know it's a clique but it is true. You need to take care of you to be your best self for your family, friends and career. If this is speaking to you, strap in- I have some Pro-tips for you.

Chalk on street saying you got this. Find trauma therapy near Plainview, NY

1. Evaluate Your Values

What is most important to you? List 3 things. Could be family, honesty, integrity, compassion, trust etc. Then you need to start seeing if your actions actually align with your values. Those that do keep at them- those that don't make an effort to change them. For example, if you choose "family, compassion and health" and you are offered an additional work shift. Is taking this shift detracting from your family time? Do you need a mental health break or day off to take care of you? If so say no. If it's to help a colleague who is going through a rough time and you feel you have enough time on another day to take care of you and spend time with family and you want to honor that "compassion" value you can also say yes. Seeing how our actions are in align with our values helps us to begin living a life that makes us happy- not a life that is spent trying to appease or please others.

2. Set Some Boundaries

In set with setting those values is setting up some boundaries with those around us. When we have no boundaries- meaning we having difficulty saying no or often do things out of pleasing others even if it's not what we want- we continue to feel exhausted, unhappy and overwhelmed. Boundaries despite what childhood may have taught you are actually healthy.

A person saying no with their hands. Find anxiety treatment through EMDR therapy near Bethpage, NY

Saying "No I'm sorry I can't go out tonight", "No I won't be able to take on that extra project with my current workload as it stands" or "I would appreciate if you refrained from "xyz" in front of my children" is the first step to reducing our triggers, reducing your stress load and giving yourself the time to focus on you and do what makes YOU happy.

3. Let Go of the Guilt

Often times my clients struggle with boundaries because of the guilt they feel in saying no to others. They feel responsible to take on the problems of those around them. They are accustom to the role of "fixer". Those around them, often family members but sometimes even colleagues or bosses sometimes push back on boundaries set and plead or ridicule them if they don't get what they want. I'm not going to say setting boundaries is an easy task when you are accustom to saying "yes" to everything because your role has always been to put others before you. But I will say the more you stick to your boundaries, the less others push back over time. It helps to see if keeping those boundaries is in alignment with your values or the type of person you are aspiring to be. Simple answer might look like "yes, I value helping others." With a closer look though it's easy to see it is hard to be our best self for others when you are running on empty.

A man looking unsure. Find therapy for depression near Sayville, NY

As I often tell my trauma therapy clients, and as they say on the air plane "put your mask on first" before you help those around you. It also helps to make a list of the short term positive gain of letting others violate your boundary and the long term consequences. For example, lets say you have difficulty saying no at work and are constantly taking on additional tasks asked of you.

Short Term Positive of Not Holding My BoundaryLong Term Consequences of Not Holding My Boundary
-Don't feel guilty-I am overwhelmed and burning out
-My boss is happy-It's hard to complete additional work assigned in my work hours so I am constantly bringing work home
-I get positive praise-I am working so hard that when I am done I have no energy to engage meaningfully with my husband and kids
-I feel taken advantage of and under appreciated
-My workload will never decrease if I do not voice concern with the disproportionate work I get in comparison to colleagues

After making this list you may decide to have a conversation with your boss and say "I would love to be able to help with that project but I already have 3 other projects I am currently working on. I will need to finish those first before I can take on any more. It's important to me that the quality of my work meets the standard and I am afraid I won't be able to complete all projects to our client's expectations." Starting an honest dialogue can help you feel more in control and will likely make you a better employee. Same with friends and family, when you are happier and more relaxed you can be your best self for your spouse, children, parents and friends. If this seems daunting, trauma therapy can surely help you work through your fears and doubts.

Need Help?

If this sounds daunting, you may need some extra support in navigating beginning to set boundaries and taking back control of your life. This is really common with clients who have trauma, are children of alcoholics, were parentified children (children that functioned more as parents), and those with low self-esteem and attachment difficulties (as they often fear boundaries will push others away). Trauma therapy can help! Just like my clients you can take back your life, begin to feel in control, less overwhelmed, more peaceful and joyful. You deserve happiness too. If you need the extra support in getting there give our office a call.

Sending love & light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

Many of my clients have difficulty living the life they want and need to feel truly happy. They struggle with expectations placed on them by others, feelings of guilt if they put themselves first and most days feel like they cannot catch their breathe. Trauma therapy can help you to end old patterns and put yourself first. Self-care isn't selfish- I know it's a clique but it is true. You need to take care of you to be your best self for your family, friends and career. If this is speaking to you, strap in- I have some Pro-tips for you.

1. Evaluate Your Values

What is most important to you? List 3 things. Could be family, honesty, integrity, compassion, trust etc. Then you need to start seeing if your actions actually align with your values. Those that do keep at them- those that don't make an effort to change them. For example, if you choose "family, compassion and health" and you are offered an additional work shift. Is taking this shift detracting from your family time? Do you need a mental health break or day off to take care of you? If so say no. If it's to help a colleague who is going through a rough time and you feel you have enough time on another day to take care of you and spend time with family and you want to honor that "compassion" value you can also say yes. Seeing how our actions are in align with our values helps us to begin living a life that makes us happy- not a life that is spent trying to appease or please others.

2. Set Some Boundaries

In set with setting those values is setting up some boundaries with those around us. When we have no boundaries- meaning we having difficulty saying no or often do things out of pleasing others even if it's not what we want- we continue to feel exhausted, unhappy and overwhelmed. Boundaries despite what childhood may have taught you are actually healthy. Saying "No I'm sorry I can't go out tonight", "No I won't be able to take on that extra project with my current workload as it stands",or "I would appreciate if you refrained from "xyz" in front of my children" is the first step to reducing our triggers, reducing your stress load and giving yourself the time to focus on you and do what makes YOU happy.

3. Let Go of the Guilt

Often times my clients struggle with boundaries because of the guilt they feel in saying no to others. They feel responsible to take on the problems of those around them. They are accustom to the role of "fixer". Those around them, often family members but sometimes even colleagues or bosses sometimes push back on boundaries set and plead or ridicule them if they don't get what they want. I'm not going to say setting boundaries is an easy task when you are accustom to saying "yes" to everything because your role has always been to put others before you. But I will say the more you stick to your boundaries, the less others push back over time. It helps to see if keeping those boundaries is in alignment with your values or the type of person you are aspiring to be. Simple answer my look like "yes, I value helping others". With a closer look though it's easy to see it is hard to be our best self for others when you are running on empty. As I often tell my trauma therapy clients, and as they say on the air plane "put your mask on first" before you help those around you. It also helps to make a list of the short term positive gain of letting others violate your boundary and the long term consequences. For example, lets say you have difficulty saying no at work and are constantly taking on additional tasks asked of you.

Short Term Positive of Not Holding My Boundary Long Term Consequences of Not Holding My Boundary
-Don't feel guilty-I am overwhelmed and burning out
-My boss is happy-It's hard to complete additional work assigned in my work hours so I am constantly bringing work home
-I get positive praise-I am working so hard that when I am done I have no energy to engage meaningfully with my husband and kids
-I feel taken advantage of and under appreciated
-My workload will never decrease if I do not voice concern with the disproportionate work I get in comparison to colleagues

After making this list you may decide to have a conversation with your boss and say "I would love to be able to help with that project but I already have 3 other projects I am currently working on. I will need to finish those first before I can take on any more. It's important to me that the quality of my work meets the standard and I am afraid I won't be able to complete all projects to our client's expectations." Starting an honest dialogue can help you feel more in control and will likely make you a better employee. Same with friends and family, when you are happier and more relaxed you can be your best self for your spouse, children, parents and friends. If this seems daunting, trauma therapy can surely help you work through your fears and doubts.

Need Help?

If this sounds daunting, you may need some extra support in navigating beginning to set boundaries and taking back control of your life. This is really common with clients who have trauma, are children of alcoholics, were parentified children (children that functioned more as parents), and those with low self-esteem and attachment difficulties (as they often fear boundaries will push others away). Trauma therapy can help! Just like my clients you can take back your life, begin to feel in control, less overwhelmed, more peaceful and joyful. You deserve happiness too. If you need the extra support in getting there give our office a call. We would love to help you on that journey.

Sending love & light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

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