Do you have a child who is questioning their own sexual or gender identity? Or are you just curious to learn more about what LGBTQ+ means and how it may impact your child? Whatever the case may be, you ended up here for a reason! Here I will do my best to provide information, advice, support, and maybe you will even get something out of this post that will help you in your life and relationships. We will explore the risks, the coming out process, stereotypes and stigmas regarding the LGBTQ+, as well as some of the things you may experience as parents.
Risks for Your LGBTQ+ Child
It unfortunately goes without saying that children or teens that start expressing their own sexuality or gender, which may be out of the norm, will get weird looks, rude comments, or even just a slight double-take from someone walking by. Therefore, it goes without saying that yes your child may experience some discrimination or bullying from their peers at school or just from random strangers at the supermarket. Here are some quick facts of some of the risks:
- Suicide is the leading cause of death amongst LGBTQ+ youth in the US
- With suicide being the third leading cause of death amongst teens in the US
- LGBT youth who are rejected by family are 8 times more likely to commit suicide
- Compared to 19% of non-LGBTQ+ youth reporting being bullied at school, 34% of LGBT youth report bullying in school and 28% reported cyberbullying.
- Some LGBTQ+ youth may also stay home from school due to feeling unsafe
However, times are changing and the opinions of others are also changing. As a parent, you want to protect your child from all the different dangers that your child may run into; although that is not always going to be possible!
The Dreadful Process of Coming Out
UGHHH let me tell you, this was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done for myself. And yes, that is correct. I did it for myself. I didn’t do it for the acceptance of others, for others to view me differently, or even just for people to know that one thing about me. I did it for myself because it is something that can be so freeing and such a relief for that kid who’s stayed in the “closet” for so long. As parents, here is my message to you: Your child is absolutely frightened by how you will respond, how you will react, and worst of all if you would still love them for who they really are. There is so much going through their heads that they may not even understand, so for someone with authority like yours, for someone who has been with them since day 0, they are only hoping for support.
It may be helpful to support your child with their journey to finding out their own identity. As parents, you can be the ones providing the information for your child with the security of it being accurate. There are a few stages to coming out, though primarily the stages of self-discovery, coming out, as well as positive self-identity do have a major impact on the everlasting impact on your child. You can read more about the stages of coming out here: The Stages of Coming Out.
LGBTQ+ Stereotypes & Myths
- Sexual orientation is a choice
- The reality of the situation is that there are biological and genetic factors that contribute to someone’s sexual orientation. Epigenetics, genetics that are changed over the course of generations, also play a factor.
- Sexual orientations can be “cured”
- The simple answer is no. Conversion therapy is not practiced in the state of New York, as well as 19 other states. The reason why it is illegal in these states is because it has been found to be harmful and ineffective.
- My child might turn other children gay
- Again, the simple answer is no. It is true that your child's peers do have a heavy influence on each other, though sexual orientation is not something that is learned from peers.
- Homosexuality is abnormal
- Homosexuality, or any other sexual orientation, is not an illness. Yes, the DSM had classified homosexuality as a mental illness, though in 1973 homosexuality was deemed to not be an illness that can be treated nor can it be changed.
What Does it Mean for Your Parents?
As parents who just discovered or found out their child identifies as part of LGBT+, there may be a few different emotions and stages you go through yourself. This is just like any other transition in the family, it is something that is obviously going to cause some shock or take back. Below are some of the stages you may experience as parents, but remember you may not even experience any of these!
- Denial
- The initial denial you may have of what your child comes to you with is definitely normal. Part of this stage is believing that your child is just going through a “phase” and that this will be over in a couple of weeks. That is oftentimes not the case! Therefore, if there are some feelings of denial, gather some reassurance from your child because communication is what will help both of you.
- Guilt
- Some feelings of blame and guilt can definitely arise during this process as well. You may blame yourselves for believing you did something to cause this, or you may even start to blame your child for forcing their values onto you. The same can be said for blaming your child's parents for influencing your child. Just remember, it is not anyone's fault and there is no blame to be placed.
- Fear
- You may fear that your friends or those that you keep close to you are going to view your family differently because of how your child now identifies. You may be fearful of being ostracized by your loved ones; although, can’t the same be said for your child when they garnered the bravery to come out?
- Acceptance
- Accepting your child for who they are and loving them unconditionally, as you always have. Your child is still a child. They are still in need of love, care, support, encouragement, all of the above. Weren’t there some things that you did during your childhood that you were worried your parents would hate you for?
There is so much more that can be said within this guide. Always try to be the supportive, kind, gentle parent that you intended to be when your child was born. This Fall, Long Island EMDR will be hosting a support group for parents with LGBT+ youth. Throughout this group, you will be able to garner support from other parents, gain knowledge on LGBT+, as well as learn how to best support your child on their journey.
Mindfulness is the ability to be fully present and aware of where we are and what we’re doing. One important aspect of mindfulness is to not be overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us or in our mind. It is important to just observe without judgment. Mindfulness is a quality that we can all tap into, we simply just need to learn to access it. The following prompts are designed to help you begin becoming more mindful in just 15 days!!
1. Write a Gratitude Letter
This is one of my favorite personal practices. Write this letter as if you are writing it to a friend. Write everything you are grateful for as well as everything you are grateful to be working towards. After you do this, read it aloud. I like to do this practice daily.
2. Meditate
Meditation is a difficult one and can be difficult for people, often we believe that the brain should turn off during meditation. However it is quite the opposite, often our mind will start racing, the buddhist call this monkey brain. It is important during this practice to notice whatever may be coming up for you without engaging or giving the thought energy. After bringing your attention back to your breathing. If this practice is hard for you start small. Start with five minutes and then slowly increase the more you practice. There are also a ton of videos online and apps that can help support you through your meditation.
3. Draw Your Backyard
Take this time to really connect with yourself and your garden. Notice the smells, what you feel in your body. Maybe how your skin feels in the sun etc. Mindfulness is all about giving ourselves a moment to pause and appreciate everything, the good, bad and everything in between. Allow yourself to express without judgment.(If you don’t have a yard pick somewhere in nature)
4. Mindful Eating
Really make your food an experience here. Just like meditation, focus on every sensation. How does it taste, how does it feel etc. Be present. Thank yourself for the nutrition!
5. Some Areas of My Life I'd Like to Improve Are:
Here is a simple Practice, set your intentions. Setting goals will help us be more mindful of actually making them happen. If you want to add an artistic flare to this exercise, turn this list into a vision board. This is a super fun activity for date night, girls night or just a little self care for you!
6. Declutter Your Space
When decluttering the mind it can be helpful to have our living spaces match this energy. Get rid of all the things making energy shifts in your space, I promise you don’t need those pants that are too small on you that you keep as motivation. Focus on the now.
7. Some Thoughts and Beliefs I Repeat In My Head Constantly Are:
Good and bad, this is about bringing attention to our critical voice. Be honest with yourself. Remember NO JUDGMENT.
8. In What Ways Do I Impact Others Around Me Each Day?
Notice your value: if this is hard examine that. Start small if you can only think of two things that’s okay. Continue to revisit this exercise as you move through the practice. I like to make positivity jars for myself where I put little notes of wins I had over a whole year and read them at the end of the year. Sometimes we let the good we do go unnoticed, this time is for you.
9. Create Your Own Mandala
Mandala’s have been known for their meditative properties, they have been recognized by psychologists like Carl Jung for their therapeutic benefits. While creating your mandala again notice what maybe coming up for you.
10. What Are My Biggest Fears and How Do They Hold Me Back?
Again, full transparency here. Want to go even deeper with this exercise? Follow this question up with why do I have these fears? Where did they start?
11. How Can I Better Take Care of Myself?
SELF CARE!!! Do I even need to explain? Not only should you write what you can do for yourself here but also examine what you can do in order to start integrating these things into your day to day.
12. Dance Around in the Mirror
Spirituality states that our hips hold a ton of our trauma. Moving these parts of yourself will help you release some of those big feelings. Pay attention to whatever comes up for you. You may feel awkward or may even feel uncomfortable with seeing your body moving through the mirror. Pay attention to this, bring awareness to it. Meet it with the question why as well as some compassion.
13. Take a Rest Day
Everything needs rest, even you! It is scientifically proven that we are more productive when we rest, this helps us avoid burnout. There is an awesome book called “How to Do Nothing” by Jenny Odell that further explains this.
14. Do Some Yoga
Yoga is a wonderful practice for mindfulness, if its not your thing though do something else to get that blood pumping.This can be walking around your neighborhood or HIIT, whatever makes you feel good! Examine how your body feels before and after your workout.
15. I Feel Fulfilled and Truly Alive When:
Cultivating happiness. Abraham Hicks has a ton of videos speaking of the importance of following our happiness. Happiness is our driving force so lets bring our awareness to it.
Long Island is celebrated for its iconic white sandy beaches. But did you know we also have some excellent places for a day walk or hike?
As a Nassau resident who grew up on a brook near conservation land in northern New England, I must admit, I had my doubts about falling in love with the scenery across Long Island. But I’ll admit it – Long Island is spectacular in the summertime (I still think New Hampshire is unbeatable for autumn foliage, though, and yes you can debate with me about that one!). As time has passed, I have been happily surprised to find some great day trips across Suffolk and Nassau.
If you are willing to bundle up, consider even doing a beach stroll in the winter! Bring your binoculars. You will be rewarded with waterfowl which have come thousands of miles south from the tundra, including my personal favorite, the exquisite long-tailed duck. You may also see grey and harbor seals!
Here is a list of some of my favorite places to go hiking or walking on Long Island – as well as a few other things, such as horseback-riding!
Places to Walk or Hike in Suffolk County
Sunken Meadow State Park - Smithtown
A familiar favorite located on the Long Island Sound, Sunken Meadow is one of the more accessible parks for people with limited mobility thanks to its long, sturdy boardwalk. It features three miles of beaches, along with six miles of hiking trails. Want to horseback ride? There are bridal paths, too. There is also a golf course.
Sunken Meadow also has softball and soccer fields, along with playgrounds, making it an excellent choice for families who may want to do more than spend their entire day solely on the beach.
Are you curious about foraging? This is one of the locations where the famous forager “Wildman” Steve Brill offers classes. He will show you which plants are edible, which to avoid, and what to do if you contact with poison ivy. I have taken a Wildman class at Sunken Meadow, and it was quite informative!
Long Island Greenbelt Trail – various locations
I will admit it – I have not done the Greenbelt in its entirety. But there is no way I could skip mentioning the ultimate of the Long Island hikes.
The Greenbelt is an impressive 32 miles long, running parallel to the Connetquot and Nissequogue Rivers. The trail varies in terrain, at times being a boardwalk and then changing over to sand. It also has numerous trails with break away from the main one, allowing for this to be a hike or walk that can be experienced many times.
Blydenburgh County Park - Smithtown
Blydenburgh is another popular, family and dog-friendly destination. In addition to scenic views for walks, Blydenburg offers birding, fishing, and horseback riding. Rowboat rentals are available from mid-May to Labor Day. Finally, tent and RV sites are available for campers from April 1st through November 11th.
The six-mile walk around New Mill Pond is easy for families, and is beautiful in the autumn during peak foliage.
Blydenberg is $7.00 for Suffolk residents and $15 for non-residents.
West Hills County Park – Melville
West Hills is a historical park which reaches Jayne’s Hill, a beloved spot by Walt Whitman and near his birthplace. At 400 feet elevation, this is the highest point on Long Island; it is a 2.4 mile loop considered easy and possible to complete in about 55 minutes. Ideally, this hike is most suitable in the autumn.
Caumsett State Park – Huntington
Caumsett is a large park with various activities. It features an impressive stable and dairy complex, excellent trails for biking, paved trails to walk with a stroller, and even snowshoeing and cross-country skiing trails.
This is also a beautiful park for a walk or hiking, as the wooded areas gradually elevate to be the tops of sand dunes that then look down into the water. As you continue along the trail, you will descend at a seashell-bountiful beach.
Wertheim National Wildlife Refuge – Shirley
Wertheim is one of the few protected, undeveloped estuaries on Long Island. It offers rich biodiversity, perfect for those most interested in seeing wildlife.
Unlike most of the parks and preserves here, Wertheim is not best in the summer or early fall, but rather in late October through early April. This is the time for the most ideal wildlife-viewing, with migratory waterfowl who winter here. Come the early springtime, there will be migratory warblers and other such songbirds. However, all year, you may encounter red fox, white-tailed deer or wild turkey.
Personally, I find Wertheim to be most precious on the water. The placid waters of the Carmans River meander through cattails and reeds, offering a smooth and almost effortless paddle. You are guaranteed to see great wildlife, such as the green heron. Additionally, you may choose to stop at Indian Landing, a small beach where you can take a swim to cool down, or you can continue onto the Great South Bay.
This is my favorite place on all Long Island to launch my paddleboard or kayak. Thanks to being in a refuge, I do not have to deal with wakes or noise. It is also beautiful from the start since to get to the refuge you must go under two bridges, the first being a nesting site for tree swallows.
You can either launch from the free boat launch (although I warn you, the path is muddy and completely unmaintained) or you can use spend $10 to use the dock at Carmans River Canoe & Kayak II. I recommend the later as it is much easier.
Bayard Cutting Arboretum – Great River/Timber Point Park - Oakdale
Bayard Cutting may be the most famous of all the locations I have mentioned, thus, I will not get into detail. Simply put, Bayard Cutting is the place to go if you want to walk and see gorgeous flora – along with Planting Fields in in Oyster Bay.
While I do love Bayard Cutting (who doesn’t?), what draws me there more is not so much the arboretum itself, but rather the picturesque Connetquot River which runs alongside it. In fact, after the Carmans River, this is my other favorite waterway for kayaking and paddleboarding on Long Island.
To paddle -- Drive down to Timer Point Park in Oakdale to launch your water vessel, which you can then paddle toward Bayard Cutting if going left. You can continue beyond Bayard to the many different canals which meander through town. Once you get to around Paradise Island, I recommend you cut straight through the river toward the canal on the other side, rather than continue straight, as this will offer a much longer, quieter, and more interesting experience. Going this way, you will eventually cut through marshland which will eventually lead you out at the canal next to the Snapper Inn. From there, cut straight across the river (be cautious of boats) and you will get right back to the launch.
As an alternative route, you may also go right which will take you to the bay. There is an island where you can relax. However, I do not recommend this route unless you are experienced due to the rapid changes in water conditions and because you will be dealing with wakes caused by jet skis and powerboats.
Places to Walk or Hike in Nassau County
Trail View State Park - Woodbury
The Stillwell Woods Loop, located at Trail View State Park, is a 7-mile loop considered to be of moderate difficulty. It can be completed in around 3 hours. However, what truly sets Trail View apart from other Long Island hiking trails is that it has more range in intensity and elevation – giving it a different feel than the typical flat trails. For the avid hiker, this is one of the few trails where they can truly say “this is a hike, not a walk” and feel challenged.
The park itself skirts Bethpage State Park and Cold Spring Harbor State Park. Thus, you can spend a day (or even two!) hiking and doing other nature-based activities.
Sands Point Preserve – Port Washington
Sands Point is one of the lovelier parks in Nassau County. The Loop is a 2-mile walk that is popular for birders. There are also cliffs overlooking the water, which offers a great opportunity for photographers.
Sands Point also hosts special events, such as yoga.
The price is $4 per person or $10 per car.
Cedar Creek Park – Seaford
Cedar Creek is a 259-acre park best for families and sporting.
Cedar Creek has an excellent playground. It has been voted the best playground across all Long Island in both Long Press and on News 12. Also, a fun activity for the children includes a roller-skating rink.
There are eight handball courts, three basketball courts, and various athletic fields (please note the fields must be reserved and include a Leisure Pass, insurance and permit, and fee). Also of particular interest, there is an archery range open to the public but note you must bring your own equipment.
Additionally, there are paths suitable for walking, jogging, and biking. There are entrances from Cedar Creek to both Tobay Beach and Jones Beach. If you want to get a challenging work-out followed by crisp, relaxing water, consider doing this bike ride!
Massapequa Preserve - Massapequa
Massapequa Preserve spans across an impressive 423 acres. Some parts of the park are frequented by bikers, so do exercise caution if you want to be here for a leisurely walk. However, should you go onto one of the quieter trails, you will quickly be rewarded by various species of deciduous trees as well as some endemic birds. I myself have spotted many different birds here, ranging from various species of warblers to the occasional northern flicker, a unique-looking woodpecker. There is also a popular residential wood duck drake.
Massapequa Preserve is where I offer the majority of my forest therapy sessions. You may read more about that on this blog post: https://liemdr.com/forest-therapy/
Muttontown Preserve – Muttontown
At 550 acres, Muttontown Preserve is by far the largest nature preserve on Long Island. It offers many different ecosystems ranging from upland forests to woodlands to waterways, offering a spectacular opportunity to see different birds, including characteristic species such as the chestnut-sided warbler, indigo bunting, Baltimore oriole, and American woodcock. If you are lucky, you may also spot a great-horned owl or screech owl.
Preparation for Walks and Hikes
Personally, I do not think you will need top-notch gear for almost any Long Island trail… or even gear at all. Disclaimer - I am quite a hiker – I have summited Black Elk Peak in South Dakota, scrambled waterfalls in the Rocky Mountains, traversed the rock fields of Mount Washington, and even backpacked the Alaskan tundra. That said, I do have some impressive gear which has been needed.
But here on Long Island? To be honest, I leave most of my gear at home! For my adventures here, I am fine with a water bottle with a shoulder strap, along with an ultralight daypack. I also pack the following essentials: sunscreen, bug spray, first aid kit, a protein-packed snack, birding binoculars, and my homemade jewelweed salve (for contact with poison ivy). Sometimes I will bring a plant or bird ID guide.
I do recommend appropriate footwear, but hiking boots are overkill unless you need the ankle support. I have a pair of Teva’s which I wore for many years before eventually retiring them. I then bought a pair from LLBean which cost considerably less but seem to be just as durable.
In addition, dress in layers and make sure you have a light raincoat available just in case. Do not wear cotton.
Important Links for Further Information
Camping in Suffolk County
https://www.suffolkcountyny.gov/Departments/Parks/Things-To-Do/Camping/Annual-Group-Lottery
Kayaking, Paddleboarding, and Canoeing in Suffolk County
https://www.suffolkcountyny.gov/Departments/Parks/Things-To-Do/Canoeing-and-Kayaking
Horseback-Riding Sites in Suffolk with a Suffolk Green Card and Riding Permit
https://www.suffolkcountyny.gov/Departments/Parks/Things-To-Do/Horseback-Riding
About the author, Valerie Smith, LMSW
Valerie Smith, LMSW, CFTG, is a therapist, social worker, and certified forest therapy guide at Long Island EMDR under the supervision of our clinical director, Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW. Valerie possesses a bachelor and master's degree in social work from Adelphi University and Fordham University, both from which she graduated summa cum laude. Valerie is also a certified forest therapy guide through the Association of Nature and Forest Therapy (ANFT), where she trained in the Rocky Mountains to master sensory-based, mindful activities through a biophilic perspective. Valerie is passionate about the health benefits of a plant-based diet as well as holistic wellness. Valerie is trained in EMDR and TF-CBT, with experience in DBT-informed skills. She focuses her treatment on adolescent girls and young women with C-PTSD and PTSD. Additionally, she helps people with life-threatening disease and their caregivers. Finally, she works alongside those experiencing grief and bereavement, especially young adults who lost one or both of their parents/guardians.
Throughout Western societies, we buy into the prevalent sociocultural belief of the stage theory of grief. As if to bring comfort and understanding of our loss, we are told we should progress through a series of five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Even while I was in graduate school for social work, I can vividly recall some professors ascribing to this model, never once questioning if their claims were accurate since it seems to be a universal statement as true as 2+2=4.
In short, this belief pushes the idea that bereaved individuals must undergo a specific sequence of reactions over time as the result of the death of someone who was significant to them. Not only is this inaccurate since individuals may not experience all the stages in their set order, but it also is stigmatizing to those who never experience the stages at all as they may think there is something “wrong” with them. Thus, I argue that the stage theory should be abandoned, for there are newer, different models that are more accurate for illustrating the grief journey.
On the History of the Five Stages of Grief
In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the model in her groundbreaking book On Death and Dying. At the time, there was a severe deficit in medical schools on the topics of death and dying, which motivated Elisabeth Kübler-Ross to do the research herself by observing the reactions of her patients with terminal diseases. She was also influenced by some researchers with stage models from decades earlier.
Quickly, the Kübler-Ross Five Stages of Grief model was branded as universal knowledge among the medical community, scholars, and the public at large.
Later, Kübler-Ross clarified she never intended for the stages to be viewed as a linear progression, and that she wrote them in a way that was misunderstood. She added she meant for the stages to reveal how people with terminal illness cope with learning they are close to death, not as a reflection of how people grieve once that person has died.
In a later book Kübler-Ross coauthored, she lengthened her model to consist of all forms of loss, such as bereavement (the specific term designated for the death of someone who was significant), the end of a relationship, unemployment or loss of income, substance abuse, incarceration, infertility, and the diagnosis of disease. Thus, at best, the model is helpful for understanding grief across multiple contexts.
Major Problems with the Model
Unfortunately, there are significant problems with the Kübler-Ross model. They include the following:
- Oversimplicity. The model does not consider the variance in grief reactions between individuals, families, and cultures across time.
- Passive model. It describes what an individual will experience, but there is an absence of the active force to come to accept the grief.
- No sociocultural lens of grieving. The model assumes all people will grieve in the same way, regardless of relevant factors such as religion, culture, family traditions, socioeconomic classes, or historical elements.
- Absence of secondary stressors. There is no mention of the stressors that can arise because of the grief, such as new roles.
- Prescriptive statements. For instance, the model implores that someone must feel angry to pass onto the bargaining stage. While this is a common emotion to experience, it does not happen for everyone.
- Assumption of a smooth, simple progression. The model portrays an easy, observable, predictable progression from one stage to the next. This does not account for the emotions and beliefs that can seesaw or be otherwise conflicted during grief.
- Variances in how to cope with loss. The model assumes all people will cope the same way, ignoring the important fact that some people will reject the reality of death in a means to cope.
- Vague terminology. The model uses vague wording to describe the complex thoughts and emotions that can accompany the grief. For instance, the word “depression” can range from sadness to major depressive disorder.
Please note: For a detailed report on the problems resulting from the Kübler-Ross model from an academic perspective, please visit the citations at the bottom.
On Grief Recognition and Resolution: The TEAR Model
In an effort to replace the Kübler-Ross model with a more practical, forgiving model to help people navigate through their bereavement, therapists and other professionals have adopted the TEAR model. This is also known as the Four Tasks of Mourning and is explored in-depth by researcher J. William Worden.
T: To accept the reality of the loss.
E: To experience the pain of the loss.
A: To adjust to the new environment without the lost object.
R: To reinvest in the new reality.
Notice the paramount difference between the two models. In the 5 Stages of Grief, acceptance is at the end of the sequence which assumes the work has been completed. Conversely, in the TEAR model, acceptance is at the start of the journey. In other words, grief work can only begin once the mourning period has ended. It must come after the sympathy cards, texts and phone calls have stopped. It approaches when the bereaved individual is expected back at work or school, operating as if things are “normal” like nothing happened.
This comes after the mourning period, after when the sympathy cards, texts and phone calls stop coming. This is when the bereaved individual is expected back at work, operating as “normal” like nothing happened.
It is time we discard the widespread belief that grief is a set of prescriptive stages. We should embrace grief as an ongoing set of work, ready to be approached only once the public mourning has ceased. Acceptance is the prerequisite to face true, raw grief, and from it come recognition and resolution.
Further Reading:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5375020/
https://web.archive.org/web/20100322212850/http://home.windstream.net/overbeck/grfbrf13.html
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5375020/
About the Author, Valerie Smith, LMSW:
Valerie Smith, LMSW, CFTG, is a therapist, social worker, and certified forest therapy guide at Long Island EMDR under the supervision of our clinical director, Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW. Valerie possesses a bachelor and master's degree in social work from Adelphi University and Fordham University, both from which she graduated summa cum laude. Valerie is also a certified forest therapy guide through the Association of Nature and Forest Therapy (ANFT), where she trained in the Rocky Mountains to master sensory-based, mindful activities through a biophilic perspective. Valerie is passionate about the health benefits of a plant-based diet as well as holistic wellness. Valerie is trained in EMDR and TF-CBT, with experience in DBT-informed skills. She focuses her treatment on adolescent girls and young women with C-PTSD and PTSD. Additionally, she helps people with life-threatening disease and their caregivers. Finally, she works alongside those experiencing grief and bereavement, especially young adults who lost one or both of their parents/guardians.
When someone survives a traumatic event, it can be beneficial to have both personal and professional support through recovery. Leaning on personal supports can be just as important as speaking with a therapist, but as a friend or family member looking to provide support, it can be difficult to find the right words to say. These conversations can be uncomfortable and difficult to navigate, but it’s important to choose your words wisely as to not further harm or re-traumatize the survivor.
In this blog post, I list a number of phrases you should avoid when speaking with trauma survivors, as well as a few things you can say in order to best support your loved one. Let’s start with the former.
What Not to Say to a Person with Trauma
“Why didn’t you say anything at that time?”
It’s incredibly common for survivors of trauma not to disclose what they’ve been through right away. Sometimes it takes years to work up the courage and speak with someone about it. Sometimes people don’t have any memories of their trauma, and sometimes these memories come back way later on in life.
It can also be very painful to talk about past trauma, especially when it feels like no one else can possibly understand what you’re going through. If a loved one has opened up about past trauma, don’t question why it took them as long as it did to speak up. Simply be grateful they feel comfortable enough to talk to you now, and try to support them as best as you can.
“I know what you’re going through”
Chances are, no you don’t! Unless you went through the exact same trauma, and have the same physical and emotional responses to trauma as your loved one, you do not know what they’re going through. Everyone responds to trauma differently, and comments like this tend to come across as minimizing the effects of the trauma. For the survivor, this trauma is theirs, and while it may not be something they are proud of, they are most likely working on owning their experience and their emotions. It’s important not to take that away from them.
“Let it go” or “Get over it”
Unfortunately, these are words that many survivors have heard from someone they’re close with. It is common for survivors of trauma to be diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, and because PTSD is an invisible wound, it is often misunderstood as something that is being exaggerated. Just because you cannot see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.
There is no ‘just get over it’ with trauma. Survivors do not choose to have these symptoms, and symptoms can be intrusive and incredibly debilitating. By saying things like ‘let it go’ or ‘get over it,’ you’re telling them that their feelings are too much, too dramatic, and taking too long to resolve. Each healing journey is unique, and you have no way of knowing how much work someone has already put in to get to where they are now.
“Did that really happen?”
It is common for survivors of trauma to experience shame and guilt throughout the healing process. Many people blame themselves for what happened even if it may seem clear to you who is actually to blame in the situation. By questioning if it really happened, you’re validating and reinforcing any self-doubts the survivor has experienced over the years. This will ultimately slow the healing process, and maybe even cause your loved one to regress on their healing journey.
“It could have been worse”
This is another comment that minimizes the effects of the trauma and sends the message that the person is overreacting. What is traumatizing for one person may not be for someone else, and that is okay. Each person responds to trauma differently, but there’s absolutely no sense in comparing one trauma to another. Any survivor is hurting and trying to heal. It does not matter whose trauma was ‘worse.’ It can trigger feelings like shame and guilt, and really hinder the survivors healing journey.
“You should do/try _______”
As a loved one, the most important role you can play is being there for support, not giving advice on how to heal. Even if you’ve gone through something similar and feel like you understand, there’s no guarantee that what worked for you will work for them. And if they end up taking the advice you give but it doesn’t work out as they hoped, this can really hinder the healing process, and may even impact your relationship with your loved one.
What Can You Say Instead?
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Oftentimes with trauma, survivors lose a sense of being in control when they went through that situation. If they feel forced to talk about it with loved ones, it can be triggering and bring up all of those old feelings of not being in control. Asking this question gives the survivor a chance to decide what they would like to do. Maybe they’re not feeling up to talking about it right now, and that’s okay. Giving them a sense of control in regards to this topic can be really helpful for their healing process.
“I hear you”
One of the most difficult parts of the healing journey is feeling like you’re going through this alone. Sometimes being there with a listening ear is the best support you can provide your loved ones. Try practicing Active Listening. Active Listening means making a conscious effort to hear, understand, and retain the information being relayed to you. It does not always mean you have a response or advice to give. Instead, pay attention, show that you’re listening with feedback, and ask questions if there’s something you don’t fully understand. Simply saying, “I hear you” can mean the world.
Are you a trauma survivor, or looking to better support a loved one struggling through their recovery? We can help. Give our office a call at (631) 503-1539.
About the Author, Jennifer Tietjen, LMSW
Jennifer Tietjen is a Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW) at Long Island EMDR and is currently receiving supervision towards her clinical license under Kristy Casper, LCSW. She helps clients by providing the support, acceptance, and empathy they need as they face challenging life experiences. Jenn is passionate about helping clients overcome past trauma and make positive change in their lives. She is trained in EMDR therapy and is currently focusing her future training and experience on women’s issues. This includes maternal health concerns such as antepartum and postpartum depression and anxiety, and reproductive health issues including infertility.
In general people see a therapist when there is a problem. This is true. Most people need some sort of problem that’s uncomfortable enough that they will take the step to begin therapy. It’s of course not comfortable opening up with a stranger and telling them all your deep darkest secrets. It takes a lot of courage and internal motivation to take that step.
Most people also think when they are starting to feel better that therapy has worked and they can now stop coming. For some people this can be true. But with most of our trauma folks, “better” simply signifies not being in constant crisis mode. Yeah, that is an awesome feeling. But because you were in constant crisis mode your therapist likely was helping you develop coping skills and maybe change your behavior a bit so you could stop the cycle.
The truth is that deep work cannot be done when you are not stable. I cannot start EMDR with a client that is chronically suicidal, self-harming and self-sabotaging. I cannot do deep work with client’s coming in with a new fire to put out every week. I can help them learn to manage the moment and self-regulate better. I can help them set boundaries so they are less overwhelmed. I can help them build up their social support so they feel less alone. All of that is still gold. It’s great life changing stuff that ends the roller coaster.
But the deeper stuff that triggers them jumping back on that roller coaster. The inner voice that feels “not good enough”, “alone”, “unlovable”, “responsible”, “guilty” etc. will end up creeping in again and those great behavior changes will likely fade away again and you're back in crisis mode.
Why Stay in Therapy
So that deep stuff. That inner child that still gets “pinged” when you get a critic at work, or your husband says “did you change the diaper genie?”, or your friend cancels plans. That work is best done when you are stable. It’s hard work. But changing that inner voice and those automated thoughts and responses is what truly puts you in the driver's seat of your life. It is also what ends the intergenerational trauma from continuing forward with your children.
That inner voice comes out so often and so unconsciously that it perpetuates us in the cycle. The woman that struggles with self-esteem, ends up criticizing her daughter’s weight and making food comments- that cause her daughter to feel the same as her “unlovable” or that love is conditional or that my value is based on my appearance. It’s surely unintentional and likely not in any way what that mom wants for her kid. But when we don’t have full operational control of our inner voice we end up sending mixed messages to our children, our loved ones and our colleagues.
Why Low Stress Times is When Real Work Happens in Therapy
When it is smooth sailing it’s the perfect time to dive deep. There are less stressors from school, work, life problems which is why you now feel “there’s no stress. I don’t need therapy”. The lack of stress allows for you to now really dive into some deeper issues that are going to bring up some uncomfortable thoughts, memories and emotions. It is the best time to do that work because now that your daily stressors are gone you have the emotional bandwidth to add the work- and healing yourself is work.
When Do I Not Need Therapy
So now you're probably like, “Okay, Jamie. If even when I am not stressed I need therapy, when do I not need therapy?” Valid question.
My answer is when you can easily silence that inner voice that pops up. Whether that be the voice that makes you feel responsible for others, not good enough, unlovable, damaged, guilty, or that you cannot trust your judgment. When you can easily stop playing whack-a-mole and that voice doesn’t pester you- end therapy. When you have worked through and healed that inner child- end therapy. When life is stressful and you don’t want to rip out your hair, or feel your skin is crawling- end therapy. Don’t end when there is no stress. End when you can manage your stress without being in crisis mode.
But if you are a constant crisis mode client that is finally off the rollercoaster. Please talk to your therapist about doing some deeper work. About exploring those core beliefs and truly processing the memories associated with them. We want you to feel better. Truly better and in control of your life.
Looking For A Therapist?
If you are looking for a therapist our counselors at Long Island EMDR would love to help you. What sets us apart from most therapists is that we are authentic humans. Imperfectly perfect I like to say. We are real, down to earth people. We love what we do and who we work with. We do evidenced-based work and are not afraid to challenge you when needed. Because we are down-to-earth genuine humans we truly care about our clients. Even though we will push you, we are probably some of the most compassionate, empathetic, and empowering people you will meet. Give our office a call today to be matched with a therapist who truly understands your concerns. And sleep a little better tonight knowing you took that first step.
What Does it Mean to be an LGBTQ Affirming Therapist?
As LGBTQ Affirming Therapist in Suffolk County, NY we take an approach to therapy that embraces a positive view of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer (LGBTQ) identities and relationships. We also are intently aware and proactive in addressing the negative influences that homophobia, transphobia, and heterosexism have on the lives of our LGBTQ clients.
How We Ensure That Our Providers are Truly Affirming Therapists
- Self-reflection: All of our clinicians engage in supervision in which we explore and address biases, beliefs and attitudes from their own upbringing. It is important for us as a practice that all of our therapists have either been in therapy and/or are actively engaged in therapy so they are aware of their own biases (not just of the LGBTQ community but also, race, socioeconomic status, ethnicity, etc.).
- Involvement in the community: Our practice engages in many LGBTQIA+ events and networking with other agencies and business owners who work with and/or are part of these communities. Several members of our team are members of the community themselves and our cis gendered clinicians, when needed, consult with them in group supervision to get their prospective on client’s concerns.
- LGBT Affirming paperwork: Our intake documents account for those that do not fit the herternormative boxes. For those planning to bill insurance it must be under your legal name but we do have a “Preferred” name box as well to ensure all staff address you by your chosen name and pronouns.
- Education- We encourage and promote our clinicians attending training related to LGBTQIA community concerns.
What You Can Expect From Our LGBTQ Affirming Therapists LGBTQ in Suffolk County, NY
All of our therapists are extremely interpersonal. They want to know you: Your story. Where you came from. What happened to you. We pride ourselves in being a practice of “above and beyonders” who really want to know our clients and understand them. Part of being an LGBTQ affirming therapist in Suffolk County, NY is being a therapist that does not make assumptions about our clients but being open to hearing their stories and experiences. Every coming out story is different. Everyone’s level of comfort and openness about their sexuality and gender expression is different. We won’t put you in a box because you are part of the community. Your experience as a member in the community is still uniquely your own. We wholeheartedly believe and understand that your sexual identity and gender expression is no where near the only thing that defines your you-ness.
Being affirmative means we strive to treat all of our LGBTQ clients and their families with the respect and dignity they deserve. Our role is to support you, to uplift you, to empower you to make the changes you would like to see in your daily lives and heal from past hurts. We want you to know you are absolutely fine just the way you are.
Ready to See an LGBTQ Affirming Therapists LGBTQ in Suffolk County, NY?
Contact us now to schedule an appointment to meet with one of our amazing affirming therapists. We truly would love to help you through whatever is bringing you to counseling. Our providers have a range of expertise including: couples, trauma, grief & loss, anxiety, OCD, depression and BPD. There are also many modalities used within the practice including: EMDR, TF-CBT, mindfulness, CBT, solutions-focused, and strengths-based counseling. Our administrative assistant will match you with a therapist who is not only affirming but can also address the underlying concern that has brought you to seek treatment.
Sending Love & Light,
In the chaos and rush of the modern world, do you feel stressed, tired, and disconnected? Do you experience racing thoughts, feel “on edge” to meet the demands of a deadline, or yearn for a break? If so, forest therapy is for you! Forest therapy is found to reduce the production of cortisol, a stress hormone.
Do you experience depression or anxiety?
Forest therapy can help. It is clinically supported to improve cognition and mood.
Do you struggle to concentrate or pay attention?
Forest therapy is shown to improve directed attention and boost executive functioning skills.
Do you love the outdoors, but have limitations due to mobility challenges or a significant health issue?
Yes, forest therapy is for you, too. Unlike hiking, forest therapy is a slow walk, generally in an accessible area, which makes it suitable for various populations. Forest therapy can even be done remotely, only requiring access to a window.
Do you want to improve your physical health?
Forest therapy is evidenced to lower blood pressure, improve cardiovascular health, boost immune system function, and even combat cells associated with cancer risk.
And finally… do you want to try forest therapy, but fear the possibility of injury, illness, or accident?
All forest therapy guides (or “guides”) are required to be certified in Wilderness First Aid and Infant/Child/Adult CPR, at minimum. They also have training in herbalism, thus can teach you of edible and medicinal plants.
At Long Island EMDR, we proudly have a certified forest therapy guide, Valerie Smith, LMSW, who's been trained by the world’s leading school on the topic pf Forest Therapy.
Join Valerie in experiencing simple yet powerful techniques to help you feel whole and well again, while celebrating our kinship with the earth. Mindful and bodyful practices that bring about serenity and can foster a newfound awakening for what is most significant to you. Valerie will lead you through sensory encounters which allow for care, compassion, and connection toward yourself and all other beings in this world.
What is a Forest Therapy Walk?
A forest therapy walk (hereon also referred to as forest therapy for simplicity purposes), is a platform for fostering wellness, healing, and wholeness through engagement in natural settings. Forest therapy is inspired by the Japanese practice of shinrin-yoku (“forest bathing”), but they are not synonymous concepts.
Research indicates forest bathing carries a myriad of health advantages in the immune and cardiovascular systems, as well as psychological benefits such as mood improvement. From this foundation, forest bathing seeks to move beyond the health benefits alone and to instead celebrate that humankind is in kinship with nature, not above or separate from it.
Forest therapy is a practice; a gateway to allow a relationship of reciprocity to develop and strengthen, whereby the guide and forest (or other setting) partner together to allow for both to feel complete. The guide is useful in that they can navigate the participants through a particular sequence of events that provide a foundation for the experience. However, there are no set expectations of what should or could happen – participants are given freedom to interpret the experiences as they desire.
Forest therapy is about creating relationships between humans and the more-than-human world, in which the relationship itself becomes a source of healing and joyful well-being. Besides being a deeply healing practice, Forest Therapy is also an emerging community of friends and activists who are making a global impact. As we learn to love the forests, this connection leads naturally to an ethic of tenderness and reciprocity, we become more engaged in working for their well-being.
Most importantly, such walks are focused on the heart rather than the brain, and they celebrate the significance of the kinship between humans and nature. Forest therapy walks are effective, non-prescriptive, and simple, which encourages each participant to have the experience on their own terms and to bring meaning to it all on their own accord, rather than expecting the participant to feel or think a certain way. As a result, forest therapy should never be mistaken for psychotherapy, which is about the treatment of a diagnosis and/or life issue.
Ultimately, the aim for all forest therapy guides is to serve as the “doorway” between humans and other beings, in which the relationship becomes the source of healing and serenity. And so by having a reciprocal relationship with the more-than-human world, we all benefit in increased connection and wellbeing — from the smallest mushroom to the grandest of trees.
“And into the forest I go, to lose my mind and find my soul.” – John Muir
Forest Therapy is Not...
Forest therapy should not be confused with hiking. When a person hikes, they tend to have a set destination in mind. They want to ascend to the summit of the mountain, reach that hidden beach, or traverse that one crevice at the top of the mesa. Hiking also tends to be a timed event, with people competing against each other for the newest record.
Forest therapy is different because it uses the aspects of nature in a way that amplifies our senses to let us know the forest in a new way. For one, a forest therapy walk is slow and usually is restricted to a small area. A walk can last for up to 3 hours and the entire experience can be held in a few acres. Furthermore, beings are not things to be passed by on by, but rather to be recognized and explored. Beings are not only organisms, such as the birds and the plants, but also include abiotic entities such as rocks, sunshine, and weather.
Thus, it is more appropriate to think of such forest therapy walks as sensory immersions to foster mindfulness and body-fulness in a natural setting. Whereas mindfulness is about awareness of the present moment without judgment, body-fulness is for harboring that awareness through the senses and experiences within the body. The immersion is done through a sequence of invitations (activities) that participants are allowed to adapt if needed.
Finally, forest therapy should never be mistaken for psychotherapy, which is about the treatment of a diagnosis and/or life issue.
Health Benefits of Forest Therapy
As was previously stated, forest therapy is inspired by shinrin-yoku.
Shinrin-yoku is a wellness practice that came from Japan in the 1980s by the Ministry of Health to promote improved health across the urbanized, changing population. At the time, Japan was transforming into a technological leader, which the government noted was resulting in diseases related to sedentary lifestyles and chronic stress.
Over the next two decades, Japanese research has showcased the myriad health benefits of forest bathing. These include, but are not limited to:
• Lower stress
• Reduce blood pressure
• Improve metabolic and cardiovascular health
• Weight loss/weight management
• Lower blood sugar levels Improve memory and concentration
• Improve mood disorders, especially depression
• Increase pain tolerance
• Boost energy
• Improve the immune system with an increase in natural killer (NK) cells
In more recent years, research across the United States and the United Kingdom has supported the association between time spent in nature and directed attention. Directed attention is one of the primary functions of the frontal lobe in the brain, which is also in control of other executive functions like critical thinking and problem-solving. The stressors of modern living burden us with attention demands that are more exhausting versus that of mankind in the past. This is a reason why we may “space out” when trying to complete a task, feel sluggish, or struggle to concentrate. Much like a computer needs to be rebooted when it freezes, so too, do our brains.
Fortunately, through immersion in nature, the executive functions of our brains are allowed to rest and become replenished. This results in improved directed attention later. In addition, nature experiences offer other psychological benefits such as overall improvement in mood, including in people with depressive disorders.
Perhaps most fascinating of all, ongoing research from Nippon University suggests that phytoncides, the chemicals found within conifers and some other plants, may be effective in cancer prevention. When breathed in, the phytoncides fight infection while also increasing the number of NK cells, which increase anti-cancer proteins.
For more information on the health benefits of shinrin-yoku, along with links to the studies to support the research, please click here.
Want a Forest Therapy Walk?
Valerie Smith hosts forest therapy walks throughout Suffolk and Nassau. These walks are open to the public; thus, you do not need to be a client at Long Island EMDR to participate. Bring your friends and family!
Please note: All walks require prior registration, payment, and completion of paperwork. Valerie cannot accommodate “walk-ins”.
To learn more and/or to arrange a walk, contact valerie@ericam206.sg-host.com
There are many differences between experiencing trauma as an adult and experiencing trauma as a child. One difference is that experiencing a stressful event as a child can cause an everlasting impact throughout adulthood. This everlasting impact is what affects the ‘inner child’ when those children become adults. The inner child is something that exists within everyone. It is the playful, fun, cheerful, hurt, as well as saddened child we once were. Any traumatic or stressful event that was experienced as a child is remembered by the body, and that is how it continues to affect us into adulthood.
"A child who does not play is not a child, but the man who does not play has lost forever the child who lived in him." - Pablo Neruda
The obstacle to overcome when attempting to heal the inner child is being able to understand, connect with, and accept the child within. Inner child wounds can be because of abuse that was experienced as a child, neglect, distressful events, loss of a loved one at an early age, as well as many more. Tending to the inner child can allow for growth and prosperity for later life.
Some Signs That Your Inner Child May Be Impacting You:
- Having feelings of shame, guilt, inner restlessness
- Having feelings of worthlessness, never feeling satisfied with self
- Negative self-talk
- Having the need to be a perfectionist with responsibilities or tasks
- Self-sabotage, self-destructive behaviors
- Excessive work ethic
- A pattern of unhealthy/unstable relationships
- Chronic overworking and overachievement (to knowingly or unknowingly gain approval, praise or belonging)
- Not being able to be in the here and now (present moment)
Taking steps towards healing the inner child can be done with seeking therapy, practicing mindfulness skills, as well as increasing one’s own level of self-awareness. Navigating inner child work with a therapist can allow you to work through that trauma, distressing memories and emotions. Working through these events can be distressing in and of itself, though having someone who is trained to support people with these types of issues can allow for many doors to open. The goal of inner child work within therapy is to explore these past events, with an emphasis on early memories to learn skills on how to regulate the self.
Some Inner Child Mindfulness Practice:
Self love is a concept that was first promoted by the Beat Generation of the 1950s, and again in the early 1960s during what was known as the “Hippie Era.” self love has gained popularity in recent years due to psychological research finding it an essential component for positive mental health and well-being. Even despite its rise in popularity, self love can be a challenging concept for many, often confused with being egotistical, self-indulgent, or too “touchy feely”. Despite the many misconceptions regarding self love that exist, the truth of the matter is that self love is a critical part of recovering from mental health challenges. Without self love, it will be extremely difficult to believe you are worth implementing the healthy strategies will allow you to feel better. Here are some simple techniques that can assist you on your journey toward unconditional self love.
1. Engage in Self-Reflection.
We often spend much time and energy moving from one distraction to the next. Taking time out of our busy schedules for self-reflection is an important part of learning to love yourself unconditionally. After all, how can you truly love what you don’t know? Self-reflection can be very simple-taking 5 minutes of your day to sit quietly and assess how you are feeling, journaling, meditating, sitting in nature, or deep breathing. Anything that can stop the noise of your mind and connect you to the present moment can be a great way to get in touch with your true self and bring you closer to loving yourself.
2. Be Kind to Yourself.
Be mindful of the way you treat yourself. “Bring the mind, and the body will follow.” This is a common saying that holds true on the journey toward self love. Often this means going outside of our comfort zone and making positive decisions for ourselves despite not feeling that we deserve it. Increase your healthy intake-be it people, conversation, self-talk, food, exercise, or rest. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend or loved one; with kindness, compassion, and patience. Although this may feel unnatural, by treating yourself this way you are proving that you are worthy of love and respect, and doing so consistently will allow this belief to sink in.
3. Forgive Your Mistakes.
You are human and are bound to make mistakes. If there is a name for what you did, someone else has done it. Giving yourself permission to be human is one of the greatest gifts you can give. Forgiveness is not an easy journey, however letting go of the past allows you room to become the person you are truly meant to be. Someone who forgives and loves themselves is also less likely to hurt others in the future. One strategy is writing down a letter of apology to those you’ve harmed, including yourself. You can make amends to others when enough time has passed, and to do so will not cause additional harm. Most of all, let go and remind yourself that you are much more than a few bad decisions.
4. Maintain Healthy Relationships.
People are not born hating themselves. Oftentimes, a lack of self love comes from life experiences/relationships that cause you to internalize the belief that you are not good enough or defective in some way. Take note of the relationships in your life and how they make you feel. Everyone is accountable for their own happiness; however, some individuals (due to their own flaws) can trigger feelings of unworthiness in us. Work on setting healthy boundaries with these people, and focus the majority of your attention and energy on pursuing relationships that allow you to feel safe, happy, and cared for.
5. Accepting Yourself as you are Right Now.
Everyone is a work in progress. It is easy to fall into the trap of “I’ll love myself when…” and fill in the blank with whatever goal or next level we want to reach. There is always going to be room for improvement, so don’t waste time putting off loving yourself. After all, achieving your goals will be a lot easier with the help of self love. Stop comparing yourself to others, or telling yourself you “should” be a certain way. You are exactly who you are meant to be at this moment. Embrace the journey.