If you’ve never had anxiety yourself, or been close to someone who struggles with anxiety, it may be difficult to recognize the signs. Anxiety disorder is one of the more common mental illnesses in America effecting about 18.1% of the population. 

There is a difference between general worry and stress- and an anxiety disorder. To those outside of the mental health field it may be difficult to tell the difference between just having a nervous mindset and diagnosable anxiety, so how can you tell? In this article we will review three common signs of anxiety to give you more information about this common and highly treatable condition.

How to Tell If You Suffer from Anxiety

Are You Having Daily Troubles Dealing With Fears?

It’s normal to worry from time to time, about an upcoming exam, or a family member, pat of the human experience is that we worry. However, chronic worry or fear that something is wrong, that other’s are upset with you or that something bad will happen is not normal. I often describe anxiety to clients as if your brain is on a hamster wheel. Thoughts replay again and again, over and over. It’s mentally and physically draining and despite efforts you cannot seem to get these anxious thoughts to leave your brain. It is at this point, where your fears and worries are disrupting your daily life, which indicates the possibility of a diagnosable anxiety disorder.

Have You Noticed Changes Physiologically?

Anxiety can be a very physical experience. These physiological signs are also a signal that you may have a diagnosable anxiety issue. Some of these signs include: chest tightness, upset stomach, fatigue, gastrointestinal issues, increased heart-rate or heart palpitations, fatigue, rapid breathing, sweating, trembling, difficulty concentrating and many more. 

Have You Suffered From a Panic Attack?

A panic attack is a sudden onset of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions- when there is no real danger or apparent cause. Panic attacks can be very frightening. Physical symptoms of a panic attack include:racing heart, feeling weak faint or dizzy, sweats or chills, chest pain and difficulty breathing. When experiencing a panic attack you may feel like you are losing control, having a heart attack or even dying. Panic attacks can be very scary for those experiencing them and are a definite sign of anxiety.

So You Think You May Have an Anxiety Disorder?

To be clear, there are many different forms of anxiety and many different symptoms, so this is certainly not a comprehensive list. However, the three signs described above are some of the more obvious signs you may be struggling with anxiety.. If you feel like anxiety is disrupting your daily life, it’s time to make the call to a local therapist or your doctor. Relief only can happen once treatment begins.

Stay Shining,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

Tips for Your Long Island EMDR Teletherapy Session

Online therapy is effective and convenient. It can be difficult at first to navigate the technology and to find your rhythm with teletherapy. Here’s tips to have a great session.

Follow these instructions

1. Click on the link sent to you by your therapist
   1. Enter your name
   1. Your therapist will let you into the session once your session time starts. 
   1. Use a laptop or desktop 

Use a Laptop or a Desktop (Phones and Ipads work too, but can be a hassle to hold for the duration of your session).

Experience has proven that teletherapy sessions run more smoothly when both the client and therapist are using a computer.  Chrome is the recommended browser, but Firefox and Safari will work as well.  If you must use your cellphone, you will also need to have eitherChrome or Safaridownloaded on your computer.  

Prepare ahead of time

Make sure that your device is charged, that you have headphones (if you prefer to use them) and that you have allowed access to your camera and microphone.  

• Find a quiet and distraction-free space

In order to maintain HIPAA compliance, your therapist will make sure that they are in a space where no one can hear them (or you).  You will get the most out of your session if you are able to find a private space as well.  

• Put a post-it on the square that shows your own face

Looking at our own face for an extended period of time is one of the reasons cited for developing video call fatigue.  If you are uncomfortable with the idea of being on a video call for this reason, consider putting a piece of paper on the square that shows you your own face.  

• Be flexible with technology issues

Another possibly frustrating aspect of teletherapy is when technology fails us.  If for any reason, the teletherapy session freezes or cuts out, Use the chat feature to communicate if you think your therapist cannot hear you. Please know that your therapist is doing everything in their power to get things up and running again on their end.  

• Know that your therapist is in the same boat

You are not alone-your therapist is also getting frustrated with technology issues and feeling uncomfortable looking at their own face!  

Teletherapy can be a very effective means of therapy. Follow tips to ensure you make the most out of your sessions. Contact Now to schedule your online session today!

Keep Shining,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

Is your teen irritable, difficult to communicate with or breaking all the rules? Are they struggling with brushing their teeth and keeping good hygiene? Or is your teen making poor life choice and  hanging with the wrong crowd?

If your teen is angry about their life or is hurt easily, they may need some additional supports from a teen therapist. Teens develop anxiety and depression from a host of issue: life transitions like divorce or a move, bullying, peer anxiety and body image concerns to name a few. The transition in the teenage years from being a child to becoming an adult comes with it’s own unique set of stressors. For an adolescent losing a friend, ending a relationship or struggling academically can be a big loss for them. Working with a therapist can help your teen learn to overcome these obstacles, find their inner strengths and move towards more productive choices and outcomes. 

Why does a teenager need therapy?

At Long Island EMDR our therapists help teens with self-harm behaviors, suicidal thinking, teen drinking, and low self-esteem. Working with a teen therapist can help your teen to develop: a strong moral compass, self-esteem, and healthy coping skills to manage life’s challenges. 

What happens when teens do not have a healthy outlet to work through their feelings, needs and emotions?

Adolescents have trouble making decisions and often struggle with impulsivity and peer pressure. This can lead to self-harming behavior, poor self-image, drinking, drug use, eating difficulties, poor school performance, defiance and oppositional behavior, as well as other acting out behaviors. Teens usually turn to their peers for advise in absence of a trusted adult relationship. Which as we know, teens advising other teens on major life choices- may not be the best situation for you or your child. 

What can a therapist say or do that I cannot?

As parents, we always want to be our teens go-to person. The person they come to when they need help, support or comfort. Many teens however, feel uncomfortable talking with their parents about what is bothering them. Whether it be the are afraid of getting in trouble or do not want to cause their parents any more stress- teens often just don’t go to parents if they are having a hard time. A therapist is a safe-place where they can share their concerns and experiences. If you think about it, there was probably a great deal you kept from your parents and tried to handle on your own when you were teen. Being a teenager can feel overwhelming, frustrating, and scary. Having their own “person” to confide in can provide that safe place to explore their feelings, needs, difficulties and find healthy ways of coping and moving forward in life. It can also be the start to fostering that relationship with you again. By incorporating family therapy, we break down some of the barriers that keep your child from coming to you and teach them that they can speak with you when they are having difficulties. Counseling can help teenagers to build positive self-talk and learn to love themselves. Lastly, learning positive coping skills boosts self-confidence and promotes a healthy release of anger.

How does counseling with a teen therapist work? 

For the first session, parents and guardians will come in for the initial intake. After that, teenagers receive individual counseling to foster independence and leadership. Often, we start rapport building the first few sessions so your teen feels comfortable opening up to their therapist. We encourage family sessions when family conflict is impacting the teen or family dynamic and will prepare your teen to discuss, calmly and effectively their concerns and difficulties so that you may be a part of the solution. We also teach teens a range of skills depending on their concerns and difficulties including: self-regulation techniques, anger management skills, cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, relaxation techniques, non-violent communication skills and conflict resolution skills. Essentially, each session can be a positive experience of building self-acceptance and self-care skills.At Long Island EMDR we help teens to form their identifies and help them express themselves in a healthy and positive manner. 

If your teen needs help with working through anxiety, depression, ADHD, self-esteem, or oppositional behaviors contact us today to speak with a teen therapist.

Unfortunately, being a survivor of trauma or abuse is exceedingly common. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center,one in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18 years old. Additionally, they also found that one in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives.

Being a survivor of abuse can be challenging, thankfully with some self-care in place you can begin your healing journey to a healthier you.  That journey from feeling scared, afraid, angry and/or alone to a place of peace and acceptance can be an empowering one. Regardless of whether your trauma was recent or happened years ago, a daily self-care regimen will help you cope with the trauma that still affects you today.

1. Quality Sleep

An essential component of maintaining optimum physical, mental, and emotional health is ensuring you get adequate sleep each night. According to The Sleep Foundation,  “while sleep issues after a traumatic experience can be distressing, they may also be an important opportunity for treating and healing from trauma. Research suggests that being able to sleep after a traumatic event can reduce intrusive trauma-related memories and make them less distressing.” Additionally, getting adequate sleep helps to improve memory, increase positive mood and decrease stress.

2. Meditate

Meditating for just five to ten minutes can have some really positive benefits including: boosting immune response, regulating stress levels, increasing focus and elevating mood. Headspace (the App) now has a program on Netflix that not only guides you through meditations but also explains why and how a particular exercise can help you.  I’ve also always been a big fan of the App Insight Timer. I find guided meditations are often easier for people to start off with and you can then work your way into solely music, nature sounds or silent meditations. For anxious folx, guided meditation can help to give you a focus point so it is not so overwhelming in the beginning. 

3. Exercise

Exercise is beneficial for just about everyone, but for trauma survivors it can also be a way to release pent-up emotions you have relating to what has happened to you. The type of exercise is not really as important, as engaging in a daily practice of release. If you like to dance, do some Zumba, if you are more of a yoga lover, go with that. For some, taking kickboxing or jiu-jitsu can help them feel more in control after an assault and better able to defend themselves. No matter what you choose remember that exercise should be an act of self-care, meaning it should be something you enjoy- not a punishment. 

4. Positive Affirmations

For many survivors there is a good-deal of shame and guilt that comes with what has happened to them. For those reasons, it is all the more important to really focus on programing yourself with positive thoughts and beliefs. For example: “I am loved,” “I am worthy,” “I am valued,” “I am strong,” “I am enough.” I often tell client’s to pick an opposite thought to their negative self-talk, so if your inner “Karen” is saying: “I am disposable”, you say to yourself: “I am worthy and deserving of love, respect and affection”. There is a really amazing App that spams your phone, however often you set it, to give you positive affirmations called “I Am”. If its a struggle for you at first to come up with your own affirmations, I really recommend it.

This process of changing that inner voice takes time and truly is a practice so be gentle with yourself. You will have days where it works great and other days where you cannot seem to get “Karen” to stop talking. It’s okay, just take it one step, one moment at a time. 

5. Support

Support is critical need for healing, surround yourself with people who build you up, cheer you on and pick you up when you are down. If you have a solid support system don’t be afraid to engage them, by calling a friend or family member, attending a support group and/or finding a therapist. If your support system is lacking, use a smartphone app or the Meetup website to find a local, like-minded group and make some new friends.

Often times survivors feel alone and like no one can or will understand how they feel, or that they will be judged for what happened to them. However, as said in the beginning abuse is more common than we would like to believe in this country. Sharing your struggles with people who understand and care about you and your well-being is an important aspect of your healing journey. If you are a sexual abuse survivor and need some words of advise from others who have been through it but are not ready to take that step of opening up just yet, I highly recommend Dear Sister by Lisa Factora-Borchers and Aishah Shahidah Simmons - a book of letters from survivors of sexual abuse to other survivors. 

Are you a survivor of trauma or abuse? A licensed mental health professional can help you so you don’t have to go through this alone. Give our office a call today so we can set up a time to talk.

Keep Shining,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW 

Relationships are bonds formed on understanding, fondness and admiration, mutual support, trust and commitment. Sometimes we meet people who we care about but later learn this person may not be a good partner. Here are some dating red flags that can serve as warning signs to be cautious about proceeding into a relationship and if any of these sound familiar, it may be helpful to address these issues right away, preferably with a counselor. 

1. Gets very serious very quickly

- While this may seem romantic or as though a partner believes you are “the one,” it can be a sign that a partner is controlling. Most abusers come on very sweet and charming in the beginning. This leads into the “Honeymoon Phase” of an unsafe relationship where there is a lot of love and care before the “Tension Phase,” which involves many arguments, put downs and feeling bad about yourself. The “Tension Phase” may even escalate to the “Blow Up Phase” in unhealthy relationships where abuse becomes more extreme. If you are dating someone who you feel is becoming very serious very quickly, it may be helpful to evaluate how much about you this person seems to know and appreciate before proceeding further. 

2. Is extremely jealous

- Relationships are built on trust and require time to build this confidence. This is why partners bond over shared values and honor each other’s boundaries. If trust is not secured in your relationship and your partner wants to isolate you from your friends, work, or family, this may be a sign that your foundation is not solid. In your relationship there should be a balance between “me”, “you” and “us” which allows each individuals to have a strong sense of self inside and outside the relationship. A relationship without this balance can cause jealousy and isolation to define the bond rather than respect, trust and understanding.

3. Attempts to control what you do, what you wear and who you see

- Loving relationships are about trust and collaboration and a relationship cannot have these themes if one partner is seeking to control and/or make decisions for the other. 

4. Mistreats others

- Someone who struggles to see other points of view or negotiate with other people to the point of maltreatment is likely unable to collaborate with their partner and meet their partner halfway to achieve mutual goals.

5. Blames other people for their own misbehavior or shortcomings

- We are not perfect beings and a partner who struggles to acknowledge areas where they could improve or have made a mistake are unlikely to atone for their missteps in your relationship. This means that the partner who refuses to own their mistakes will push accountability onto other people, rarely apologize or modify their behavior to ensure their partner feels heard and understood. 

6. Abuses drugs/alcohol

- A partner who struggles with substances may have difficulty managing their emotions or may rely on the availability and accessibility of their substance of choice to cope with their emotions. This may serve as a barrier to maintaining clear communication, trust and/or mutual support. 

7. Has unrealistic expectations

- A loving partner accepts us for who we are and encourages us to grow and meet our goals. Someone who expects their partner to be perfect is likely to be demanding and unable to recognize that the reality that their partner has limitations, as all people do. If someone expects their partner to be infallible, they may respond extremely when their partner does not meet their expectations. 

8. Is overly sensitive or acts “hurt” when they do not get their way

- In order to have healthy communication within  our relationships, we expect our partners to be able to negotiate so conflict can be resolved with both parties feeling heard and appreciated. Similar to someone blaming others for their mistakes, someone who is unable to tolerate disagreements struggles to see other points of view or may not value their partner’s thoughts and opinions. 

9.  Has mistreated a former partner in the past

- The only people responsible for maltreatment is the person who committed it. We are all entitled to feel safe and secure with our partners regardless of the situation. Someone who has mistreated a former partner is unlikely to provide the safety and security needed for a meaningful relationship without addressing these issues with a trained counselor. 

10.  Is threatening or intimidating, even if they are not “serious”

- We cannot simultaneously feel safe and threatened. Any relationship that involves threats or intimidation cannot be a loving relationship because it does not have security.  

11. Calls you names, puts you down or curses at you

- We all deserve respect, especially from our loved ones. Someone who puts us down, calls us names or curses at us does not respect us. Lack of respect is one of those dating red flags that can have us feeling unsafe, unheard and unseen.

12. Is extremely moody and switches from being very nice to exploding into anger

- There needs to be a strong foundation of stability in any meaningful, lasting relationship. This allows us to feel safe and protected when we are with our partner and enhances our sense of trust and attachment to them overtime. Someone who ricochets from extremely happy to extremely angry does not possess the skillset to regulate themselves and cannot build this foundation of security with us. For someone to be able to withstand the ups and downs of life alongside us as our partner, they must be able to weather the storm with us and tolerate difficult emotions so they can support us when we need them. This is part of the natural give and take of a true relationship. If everything is dependent on one partner’s mood, this individual cannot truly “give” when their partner needs support. 

13. Believes that one partner is inferior and expects their partner to obey them

- Trust and collaboration require an equal playing field and this is impossible if there is an uneven power dynamic within the relationship where one person seeks to dominate the other. Uneven power dynamic is certainly one of the key dating red flags.

14. Holds partner against their will to keep them from walking away or leaving the room

- During a confrontation, some people feel they need to take some space to calm down before proceeding to resolve the conflict while others want to resolve the conflict in the moment. It’s important to have an understanding of you and your partner’s conflict resolution styles so you can work together to resolve arguments. If our partners will not allow us to take time to cool off or to remove ourselves if we feel unsafe, this tells us that they do not value our feelings or needs in the relationship.

Forming lasting bonds enhance our feeling of connectedness and understanding. Cultivating these bonds takes time, trust, security and admiration. They can also allow us to experience love and demonstrate healthy relationships for those around us, especially our children. If you feel unsupported in your relationship or noticed you have experienced some dating red flags, give our office a call to enhance your relationship’s foundation so all parties feel valued, respected and fulfilled. 

Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, many individuals have begun working from home. If you are one of these individuals, kudos to you; you have been forced to make the best of a sudden change that you had very little say in. As time has gone on, you have begun to see that working from home can have its perks; you have the benefit of improved flexibility, more independence, no commuting stress, and best of all-comfy clothes!

However, working from home has some challenges were not foreseeable at the start of this pandemic. These challenges have only started to be understood through the tried-and-true experience of those who have been on the forefront of this new working-from-home era. Difficulties with willpower/motivation, increased distractions, isolation, challenges with a work/home life balance, and feeling as if you have to overcompensate by working around the clock are all obstacles in working from home. If you have taken interest in reading this article, you most likely understand that working from home isn’t the idyllic, carefree playground it is cracked up to be.

Here are some tips to protect your mental health while working from home:

1. Create a designated workspace.

It is extremely tempting to roll over, open up the lap top, and get to work. A basic rule of thumb is if something feels too good and easy, it’s probably not the best thing for your overall mental health and well-being. You’ll want to keep your work zone separate from your relaxation zone as best you can with the space you have available. This can help with motivation levels, and from keeping your mind and body from receiving mixed messages about when it’s time to work and when it’s time to relax. Also, change into “real” clothes, brush your hair, brush your teeth, eat breakfast, drink coffee, and whatever else helps you to feel like a HUMAN before starting work. It is easy to “let ourselves go” when working from home, but doing so on a regular basis can have a negative impact on our confidence and zest for life.

2. Keep regular work hours (and stick to them!).

Flexibility is viewed as one of the biggest benefits of working from home. However, we as humans respond best to structure and routine. It is easy to drag out your work day while mixing in household responsibilities. However, doing so can result in being “at work” for much longer than you would be if you worked a typical 8-hour office day. Set work hours and do you best to only work within these hours. DO NOT ANSWER WORK CALLS/EMAILS AFTER WORK HOURS. I repeat-DO NOT ANSWER WORK CALLS/EMAILS AFTER WORK HOURS.Develop an “end of the work day” ritual to further solidify that your work day is over and you are “returning home.” Some suggestions for this can include putting away all of your work items, changing your clothing, putting on some music, or meditating. This will assist in not allowing work life and home life blend into one giant conglomerate mess, and in turn will benefit greatly in maintaining balance-which is something we are all striving for!

3. Take regular breaks.

Speaking of balance-take regular breaks! Often it is tempting to “push straight through,” believing there is no time or usefulness in taking a break. Afterall, won’t a break just cause me to have to work longer to complete what I need to accomplish? Wrong. It has been scientifically proven that taking breaks results in you returning to work more refreshed, centered, and more productive than you were prior to taking a break. Your stress levels will decrease as well. Just as you set regular work hours, set regular break times. Most 8-hour shifts require two ten-minute breaks and one half hour break by law, so keep this in mind when scheduling your breaks. You deserve it!

4. Get up and get moving.

Working from home can result in a sedentary lifestyle. The average person is recommended to take 10,000 steps a day. You are not getting that in your “commute” from your bed to your designated work space, even if you live in the lap of luxury. Take walks around your neighborhood on your breaks, or while making phone calls. Go up and down the stairs if you have them, do some jumping jacks or squats, or even put some music on and start dancing! If you can, set up your computer so you can type standing up. Utilize anything you can think of to get the blood flowing. This will assist with energy, motivation, and releasing feel-good endorphins to help get you through the day!

5. Take time to communicate with coworkers.

WAIT, I thought this was a benefit of working from home??? Not having to communicate with those annoying people you work with and for seems like a dream come true! Won’t this HELP my sanity? Although not having to engage in small talk or deal with difficult coworkers can be a rather enjoyable perk of working from home, TOO much isolation can be detrimental to your wellbeing. As much as we can have an aversion to it, we thrive on human interaction. Make an effort to keep the lines of communication flowing to keep from turning too far inward (it can be scary in that mind of yours!). Plus, it can boost morale and creativity to bounce ideas off another someone else.

6. Stay on task.

Part of the challenge of working from home is the plethora of distractions that are available to us. There are often an endless number of household chores that can be done, shows that can be watched, online purchases that can be made, and naps that can be taken-all of which can be done without anyone “watching over” you. Oftentimes, it can be tempting to distract ourselves from one work related task to another work-related task, and tell ourselves, “We are multitasking!” Hate to break it to you folks, but multitasking is a myth. It is scientifically proven that completing one task at a time is the most efficient way to get things done. Go ahead, google it! We are so trained in distraction that it has become a way of life. Focus on completing one task at a time, and you will see your efficiency skyrocket! This in turn reduce your stress and increase confidence in your own abilities. 

7. Celebrate your victories.

Many of us were thrown into the sea of working from home without so much as a life jacket to help us. Working from home is NOT natural for us, so any day you are able to defy the odds and maintain some semblance of productivity is a successful day! You put real pants on today? Good job! Made it through the whole day without napping? Right on! What you are doing is not easy and requires a huge amount of self-discipline, self-motivation, and inner strength to maintain. So, give yourself a pat on the back; you are doing amazing. 

- Alexandria (Alex) Fairchild, LMSW

Have you heard the phrase “helicopter parent?” It describes a mother or father that ‘hovers’ around their child 24/7, overseeing every aspect of the child’s life to keep safe from every potential danger, pitfall and mishap. In theory this sounds great right? “If I am there to guide and direct every step I know my child will be okay.” However, this style of parenting is rarely realistic, or productive, as we cannot monitor their every move and in reality: life happens.

Adversity is a part of life. Those children who engage with adversity in their formative years learn how to handle it well and develop the ability to come up with strategies and solutions to overcome challenges. These are the kids that grow up to be resilient, getting right back up when life knocks them down a few pegs.

Here are some ways parents can raise resilient children:

Plant the Right Mindset

How your child sees the world, and their own potential in it, directly informs how they make decisions. Teach them a positive and empowering mindset from the beginning- a “growth mindset”. Teach them that mistakes and failures are opportunities to learn what does and does not work. Validate that losing a game, or doing poorly on a test really stinks and help them focus on steps they can take to improve. Above all your kids should know that it’s not about win or lose- what really matters is the commitment and effort they put into reaching their goal.

Allow Them to Come Up With Solutions on Their Own

A child will never be able to develop their own coping strategies if someone is there every second making sure they never become hurt or disappointed. If your child is coming to you for help ask probing questions to get them thinking about how they can fix the problem. For example, “is there another way you both can play with that toy?” Communicating your belief in your children’s ability to solve their own problems with help to increase their self-esteem and belief in their own abilities. 

Let Them Take Some Risks

All parents want to keep their kids safe, but there comes a point when you’ve got to let go a bit and let them learn HOW to be safe on their own. For instance, one day your child will need to get their driver’s license. You can help that older child be a safe driver by allowing their younger self to ride their bicycle around the neighborhood. This will teach them to pay attention, look both ways, etc.

Teach Them the Right Skills

Teach your child how to navigate anxiety-producing or uneasy situations. Rather than focusing on the problematic areas of those experiences, focus on how to ensure safety or cope with them.  I work with lots of anxious kids, who have anxious parents. What I find is often the children are reacting to their parents anxieties. For example, a child who is concerned about bullying had a parent who was combing their hair and picking out their clothes in 8^thgrade- because the parent was worried if the child did these tasks alone they would be bullied. This child then felt very insecure about their ability to make their own choices, keep themselves safe and how their peers perceived them. A better approach for that parent would be to teach them how to do their hair independently, encourage the child to be confident in whatever they choose to wear, praise the child on their best traits (humor, intelligence, kindness) and to discuss with their child how to handle a bully- if and when- a situation occurs.

Ensure Healthy Attachment

Children with secure attachment to their primary caregivers feel a sense of support and resilience. When a child is securely attached to their parents this serves a few functions: shapes mindset about the world and those in it (.e. the world is safe; I am loved), ensures they feel comfortable venturing on their own but equally as comfortable seeking support when needed, and these children also have greater ability to be open and honest with others about their feelings and needs. 

Seek Support When Needed

Resiliency isn’t something we are born with. It is a skill that must be instilled and molded over time. Planting these seeds now will allow for a child raised to face adversity, solve-problems, and do so with confidence and grace. Parenting is a challenge and it certainly does not come with a manual. If you need support in your parenting journey, give my office a call today and let’s schedule a time to talk.

Have you ever wondered how childhood trauma impacts adolescents or adults? Do you find yourself asking yourself how much your childhood has a impact on your relationships today? Childhood experiences, both positive and negative, have major impact on our emotional development and how we continue to interact in the relationships around us. 

Childhood is where our attachment styles are developed and our parents are our primary attachment figures. The way they respond to us in childhood shapes our worldview, or perception of the world, and how we expect others to respond, relate and interact with us. This is the foundation of whether or not a child will feel the world is safe and whether or not those around them will accept them.

Erikson called this our view of “trust or mistrust”. Is it a safe place to venture out and take emotional risks? Are all people generally good or are they out to hurt us and therefore untrustworthy? Can we trust others to support us in times of emotional need or crisis or do I need to rely on myself?

Complex trauma refers to the prolonged exposure to a stressful event, or repeated traumatic events layered on top of another. This would include children, who have grown up in physically, sexually, and/or emotionally absent or abusive households, as well as children who grew up in unsafe communities, an incarnated parent or a parent with mental health or substance use concerns.

How Childhood Trauma Continues to Effect us into Adulthood

The following are the four basic attachment styles. Please keep in mind that these descriptions are very general; not everyone will have all these characteristics. Attachment styles are relatively fluid and can be ever-changing depending on your partner’s own attachment style and the adaptations you make as you grow and learn.

Secure Attachment in Adults

These individuals usually grew up in a supportive environment where parents consistently responded to their needs. Securely attached individuals feel comfortable in their own skin, easily share feelings with partners and friends and seek out social support. These individuals have a generally positive outlook on life and seek physical and/or emotional intimacy with minimal fear of being rejected or overwhelmed.

Securely attached individuals, much like their parents were to them, are generally consistent and reliable in their behaviors toward their partner. They also tend to include their partner in decisions that could affect their relationship or life goals. 

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment in Adults

Children develop this attachment style when their primary caregivers are not emotionally responsive or are rejecting of their needs.

Children learn to pull away emotionally and be overly self-reliant, as means to avoid feelings of rejection. As adults, they become uncomfortable with emotional openness and downplay the importance of relationships.

These adults tend to place a high priority on their own independence from others and tend to be extremely self-reliant. They develop techniques to reduce feelings of being overwhelmed and defend themselves from perceived threats to their “independence.”

These techniques include, shutting down, sending mixed messages, and avoiding. These coping techniques end up becoming detrimental to their adult relationships.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment in Adults

Children who have developed this style of attachment may have been exposed to prolonged abuse and/or neglect. Their primary caregivers are a source of hurt, rather than fulfilling their vital role of providing support and comfort. 

As adults they see the value in having close relationships but due to the abuse they received have a difficult time trusting others. Due to this distrust, they avoid being emotionally vulnerable with others and have difficulty clearly expressing their wants and needs, as they fear it will lead to more hurt and rejection.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment in Adults:

Children with anxious-preoccupied attachment had caregivers who did not consistently meet their needs, as in their responses to the child were not consistent or predictable. Their parents were nurturing, caring and attentive at times but this was alternated with cold, rejecting or emotionally detached behaviors. 

This alternation between love and rejection makes it difficult for a child to know what to expect from day to day. These children then grow up to be adults who require a lot of connection, closeness and attention within their relationships, sometimes to the point of being “clingy.”

Individuals who have this attachment style may need more validation and approval from loved ones than the other attachment styles.

Neurobiology of Attachment and Childhood Trauma

As products of our own environments, adults will often find themselves repeating the same behaviors witnessed and experienced in childhood. This is because the neural pathways developed from childhood traumatic experiences shape keep us stuck in these unhealthy patterns and ways of relating.

To say all of this is not meant to place blame on caregivers for the types of relationships formed in your adult life. However, increasing awareness of your own attachment style can help you take those first steps towards recognizing patterns and improving your relationships as an adult. With newfound awareness you can move to form securely attached relationships with your partner and with your own children. 

Processing those difficult childhood memories of abuse and neglect can help you to make new neural connections with more adaptive experiences in your life and thus alter that inner-voice that keeps your stuck in poor patterns of behavior. 

Where to go From Here?

At Long Island EMDR, we understand how complex childhood trauma affects you as an adult, which is why we specialize in EMDR and trauma-focused therapies. We are here to help guide and support you through your journey of processing past hurts and forming healthier connections.

Keep Shining,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW 

When describing yourself, how do you finish the sentence “I am…..”?

Are you saying things like, “I am":

LOVED,

POWERFUL, 

BLESSED, 

WORTHY,

COMPETENT, 

INTERESTING,

ENOUGH.…

Or is your “I am” statement more like — I am small, weak, ugly, incompetent, useless, discarded or not enough?

Each of us has an internal dialogue that has a tremendous effect on how we see ourselves, how we feel and the actions we do or do not take. Do you start your day with “I am beautiful, smart, awake, invigorated”? Do you believe “I am loved, honored, cherished and wise.” Or do your thoughts all too often go to “I cannot do this. I am not okay. I will never be enough.”?

Our life events big and small help to shape this inner voice, that so very much tends to guide the direction of our lives. Whether it was bullying, physical abuse, humiliation, sexual abuse, witnessing violence or emotional neglect- what happens in our lives shape our views about ourselves. These events indeed have an effect on our life trajectory- both positive and negative.

The good news is there is also a way to change this inner voice to focus on our strengths rather than our insecurities.

By reprocessing or traumas, be they negative or difficult childhood memories or significant traumatic events (rape, assault, death of loved ones, war), we are allowing our brains to make new neural connections and new positive associations. Additionally, we are able to let go of those intense emotions and bodily sensations linked to these events, that keep us in patterns that are no longer serving us. Processing these traumas with EMDR therapy helps you put those negative thoughts to rest so you can start creating the life you desire and deserve.

If you would like to put an end to the negative inner voice and start finding your inner strengths we have EMDR certified clinicians who are here to help. Give our office a call to begin EMDR therapy today.

Refocusing Your Intention and Resetting Your Goals 

We’re about a month into the new year and this can be the time where commitment to our resolutions can start to become lackluster. Sometimes difficulties to maintaining our goals can lead to disappointment in ourselves and cause us to fall into this negative headspace where we wind up resenting our overall objective and decide it no longer matters. Where we get ourselves into trouble is when we pick ourselves apart for not being thin enough, productive enough, healthy enough, etc and we wind up setting these outrageous goals for ourselves that we don’t have the tools to reach and then get disheartened when we haven’t magically ridden ourselves of our love of ice cream on January 1st. 

Growth is a wonderful thing- whether it be that we are going to start a new workout routine or that we are going to start carving out time for ourselves every day to enjoy and recharge. But setting a goal that truly means a lot to us as individuals is very different than setting one that we feel we need to attain to be valuable. If this is resonating with you, now may be a good time to refocus and reset your intention for your goals, both short and long term. Below are some questions to ask yourself as you check in regarding your current goal. Keep in mind that if you come across a question and think “Welp, didn’t do that. Better luck next year,” don’t worry! This is not a sign that your journey is doomed but rather an opportunity to possibly identify and overcome a barrier. We’ll say it a few times in this post but to start, remember you have permission to make changes along the way and any step you have taken to work towards something meaningful to you is something to be celebrated. 

1: Is the goal vague or specific?

 Having specifics can be helpful because we see the actual steps needed to achieve our goal. For example, if my goal is to be more patientI might not really understand what more patience would look like in different scenarios. So I could decide, for example, to be more patient with my family members when it comes to cleaning the house. Maybe that means meeting with my household and saying I’ll do my best to give my family members a full day before mentioning dirty dishes in the sink.  

2: How are you measuring your success? 

Is there a way that you will know you are achieving or working towards your goal? If my goal is to improve my organization skills I may measure my organization by my ability to identify what’s on the agenda for the day or maybe I will be able to accomplish my tasks for the day or week on time. By doing this I’ll have a clear marker to compare my progress to. 

3: How attainable is your goal? 

Whatever your goal is it may be helpful to check in to see if there are any pre-requisites to accomplishing your objective or if your goal seems so large that it is overwhelming, this may be a good time to break it up into smaller parts. For example, it will definitely be difficult to achieve my goal of walking 2 miles a day if I don’t have appropriate sneakers on day one.Furthermore, not being able to meet my first objective but trigger that disappointment we mentioned earlier and could direct me into a loop where I’m so busy focusing on my disappointment and allowing other things to get in the way, that I don’t actually start working towards my goal. Something that can be really empowering when we feel like our plan isn’t planning out the way we hoped is giving ourselves credit for what we have done to achieve this goal.Maybe I’ll celebrate when I prioritize going to get a pair of shoes and setting an alarm for the next morning to start my walking plan. It’s amazing how acknowledging a component of a larger objective can cause a surge of motivation to continue forward. 

4: How relevant is your goal? 

Goals are important. They encourage us to grow and prevent us from becoming complacent in things that are truly important to us. However sometimes we wind up setting a goal that does not exactly align with our intention. If it seems like what you’re working towards combats with your values and long-term aspirations, this may be a sign that the goal is not relevant to your overall purpose. If that’s the case it may be helpful to take a moment and examine what the cause of misalignment between the present goal and your mission is and perhaps, reassess and redefine your goal so they co-exist. This is not to say your goal should be attained without effort but rather your goal should reflect a true commitment what is important to us. 

5: Is This Goal Time-Bound? 

Deadlines can be helpful to keep us motivated and serve as a check in regarding our progress to keep us on track. For example, if I want to train for a marathon in a year, I’m more likely to meet this goal if I’m mindful of my deadline so I might come up with a monthly objective to increase my endurance and stamina. If I don’t hold myself accountable to a timeline I may be more likely to push off my workouts and my goal may slip further and further away from me. With this in mind, take a note of your goal and see if there is a realistic timeline to achieve your goal. As we said earlier, breaking a big goal into smaller parts can be very empowering. In this way setting deadlines for each smaller component can enhance our motivation even more by holding us accountable for checking in and keeping us invested consistently along the way. 

6: Is There Anything That Could Get In The Way of Steps 1-5? 

Life happens and sometimes we can’t anticipate what lies ahead. Our plans for achievement are not finite. We can be flexible in the steps we take to achieve success. So if there have been barriers or unforeseen disruptions in staying on track, give yourself permission to re-evaluate your plan to address these obstacles. Lastly, give yourself permission to adapt and, again, don’t forget to acknowledge the work you have already put in to grow. 

You’ve Got This!