Perfectionism is a defense mechanism many anxious people tend to struggle with. Many of our perfectionist clients struggle with the negative thoughts that they are not good enough unless they do everything 100% right 100&% of the time. Perfectionists tend to down play their accomplishments, have difficulty with minor changes in their desired outcome and struggle with constantly not living up to expectations, usually expectations that are not always very realistic in nature.
Where does perfectionism come from?
Perfectionism is rooted in shame. Perfectionism is driven by “what people think of you”, versus “staying true to yourself”, or ignoring the opinions of others. Research shows that shame is highly associated with perfectionism, depression, anxiety, addiction, aggression and much more. Perfectionism is often a cover for feelings of shame, stemming from the belief that what we do – or fail to do – is a direct reflection of who we are. Shame is a reaction that at times occurs when we interpret our actions, our standing, our very selves in the context of what is expected by friends, family and society at large. If we do not meet the expectations posed on us by others we can begin to blame ourselves and internalize that shame. When we don’t meet those expectations we feel anxious, vulnerable, and judged as “different”. This results in negative self-talk like: “I’m stupid,” “I’m unworthy,” or “I’m unlovable.” And if we believe these to be true, then surely other people will judge us just as harshly as we judge ourselves.
In order to combat this feeling of shame, we develop ways to subdue it, or mask it. Perfectionism is one such method; by shielding our imperfections and our insecurities from ourselves as well as those who might look down on us, we can keep the shame hidden. By achieving impossible standards, producing exceptional work, saying the most intelligent phrases, or by having an immaculate, beautiful home and/or personal appearance, we push away any opportunities for shame. We eliminate the chance for vulnerability or connection, thus lessening the opportunity for scrutiny or judgment. We are isolated.
How Do we Begin to Combat the Shame?
One essential process is that a person must talk about the shame to someone they can trust, like a therapist, so that they can experience safe vulnerability. The three essential steps in healing are:
- Understanding the exact nature of such shame by taking ownership of the problem behavior.
- Learning shame-resilience.
- Self-compassion.
- Embrace imperfection.
Step 1 Take Ownership:
The first step is to allow yourself to develop a relationship with a trusted therapist so you can allow yourself to truly be vulnerable and explore how shame is feeding your perfectionism. You could try a family member or trusted friend, but for many people, finding and speaking with a person bound to hold all your secrets and problem by confidentiality is the first step in truly putting your issues on the table.
Step 2 Shame-Resilience:
How does one become shame resilient? Well you start by identifying you shame triggers- what exactly is causing you to feel shameful? What are the beliefs about yourself and the world that are relating to this?
Step 3 Self-Compassion:
Self-compassion is essential in the healing process of working through shame. Learning to speak about yourself in reaction to it, as if you were speaking to someone you care about- you know without all the labeling and name-calling. Your therapist will be there to help you work through it and empathize with what you are feeling and experiencing.
Step 4 Embrace Imperfection:
Embracing imperfection is allowing yourself to just be, rather than expecting to be something better, someone who fits in. It is opening up to being vulnerable, first with yourself as you build up resiliency, then with others while you practice loving yourself despite how you are perceived. You can do this in small steps, selecting a small stone in your façade that will not reveal you to the world just yet but willallow you to practice having compassion for yourself. Maybe you let the dishes pile up for a few more hours than usual, wear mismatched socks, or let yourself be 5 minutes late to a social engagement. These small practices give you the chance to become enamored with your quirks and imperfections, using them as positive, somewhat silly, intentional reflections of your true self.
As always, if you would need help working through your struggles, our office is here to help. Please call us at 631-503-1539 to set up your first appointment and discuss how we can help you live a life you are proud of.
Stay Shining,
If you’ve never had anxiety yourself, or been close to someone who struggles with anxiety, it may be difficult to recognize the signs. Anxiety disorder is one of the more common mental illnesses in America effecting about 18.1% of the population.
There is a difference between general worry and stress- and an anxiety disorder. To those outside of the mental health field it may be difficult to tell the difference between just having a nervous mindset and diagnosable anxiety, so how can you tell? In this article we will review three common signs of anxiety to give you more information about this common and highly treatable condition.
How to Tell If You Suffer from Anxiety
Are You Having Daily Troubles Dealing With Fears?
It’s normal to worry from time to time, about an upcoming exam, or a family member, pat of the human experience is that we worry. However, chronic worry or fear that something is wrong, that other’s are upset with you or that something bad will happen is not normal. I often describe anxiety to clients as if your brain is on a hamster wheel. Thoughts replay again and again, over and over. It’s mentally and physically draining and despite efforts you cannot seem to get these anxious thoughts to leave your brain. It is at this point, where your fears and worries are disrupting your daily life, which indicates the possibility of a diagnosable anxiety disorder.
Have You Noticed Changes Physiologically?
Anxiety can be a very physical experience. These physiological signs are also a signal that you may have a diagnosable anxiety issue. Some of these signs include: chest tightness, upset stomach, fatigue, gastrointestinal issues, increased heart-rate or heart palpitations, fatigue, rapid breathing, sweating, trembling, difficulty concentrating and many more.
Have You Suffered From a Panic Attack?
A panic attack is a sudden onset of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions- when there is no real danger or apparent cause. Panic attacks can be very frightening. Physical symptoms of a panic attack include:racing heart, feeling weak faint or dizzy, sweats or chills, chest pain and difficulty breathing. When experiencing a panic attack you may feel like you are losing control, having a heart attack or even dying. Panic attacks can be very scary for those experiencing them and are a definite sign of anxiety.
So You Think You May Have an Anxiety Disorder?
To be clear, there are many different forms of anxiety and many different symptoms, so this is certainly not a comprehensive list. However, the three signs described above are some of the more obvious signs you may be struggling with anxiety.. If you feel like anxiety is disrupting your daily life, it’s time to make the call to a local therapist or your doctor. Relief only can happen once treatment begins.
Stay Shining,
Is your teen irritable, difficult to communicate with or breaking all the rules? Are they struggling with brushing their teeth and keeping good hygiene? Or is your teen making poor life choice and hanging with the wrong crowd?
If your teen is angry about their life or is hurt easily, they may need some additional supports from a teen therapist. Teens develop anxiety and depression from a host of issue: life transitions like divorce or a move, bullying, peer anxiety and body image concerns to name a few. The transition in the teenage years from being a child to becoming an adult comes with it’s own unique set of stressors. For an adolescent losing a friend, ending a relationship or struggling academically can be a big loss for them. Working with a therapist can help your teen learn to overcome these obstacles, find their inner strengths and move towards more productive choices and outcomes.
Why does a teenager need therapy?
At Long Island EMDR our therapists help teens with self-harm behaviors, suicidal thinking, teen drinking, and low self-esteem. Working with a teen therapist can help your teen to develop: a strong moral compass, self-esteem, and healthy coping skills to manage life’s challenges.
What happens when teens do not have a healthy outlet to work through their feelings, needs and emotions?
Adolescents have trouble making decisions and often struggle with impulsivity and peer pressure. This can lead to self-harming behavior, poor self-image, drinking, drug use, eating difficulties, poor school performance, defiance and oppositional behavior, as well as other acting out behaviors. Teens usually turn to their peers for advise in absence of a trusted adult relationship. Which as we know, teens advising other teens on major life choices- may not be the best situation for you or your child.
What can a therapist say or do that I cannot?
As parents, we always want to be our teens go-to person. The person they come to when they need help, support or comfort. Many teens however, feel uncomfortable talking with their parents about what is bothering them. Whether it be the are afraid of getting in trouble or do not want to cause their parents any more stress- teens often just don’t go to parents if they are having a hard time. A therapist is a safe-place where they can share their concerns and experiences. If you think about it, there was probably a great deal you kept from your parents and tried to handle on your own when you were teen. Being a teenager can feel overwhelming, frustrating, and scary. Having their own “person” to confide in can provide that safe place to explore their feelings, needs, difficulties and find healthy ways of coping and moving forward in life. It can also be the start to fostering that relationship with you again. By incorporating family therapy, we break down some of the barriers that keep your child from coming to you and teach them that they can speak with you when they are having difficulties. Counseling can help teenagers to build positive self-talk and learn to love themselves. Lastly, learning positive coping skills boosts self-confidence and promotes a healthy release of anger.
How does counseling with a teen therapist work?
For the first session, parents and guardians will come in for the initial intake. After that, teenagers receive individual counseling to foster independence and leadership. Often, we start rapport building the first few sessions so your teen feels comfortable opening up to their therapist. We encourage family sessions when family conflict is impacting the teen or family dynamic and will prepare your teen to discuss, calmly and effectively their concerns and difficulties so that you may be a part of the solution. We also teach teens a range of skills depending on their concerns and difficulties including: self-regulation techniques, anger management skills, cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, relaxation techniques, non-violent communication skills and conflict resolution skills. Essentially, each session can be a positive experience of building self-acceptance and self-care skills.At Long Island EMDR we help teens to form their identifies and help them express themselves in a healthy and positive manner.
If your teen needs help with working through anxiety, depression, ADHD, self-esteem, or oppositional behaviors contact us today to speak with a teen therapist.
Unfortunately, being a survivor of trauma or abuse is exceedingly common. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center,one in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18 years old. Additionally, they also found that one in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives.
Being a survivor of abuse can be challenging, thankfully with some self-care in place you can begin your healing journey to a healthier you. That journey from feeling scared, afraid, angry and/or alone to a place of peace and acceptance can be an empowering one. Regardless of whether your trauma was recent or happened years ago, a daily self-care regimen will help you cope with the trauma that still affects you today.
1. Quality Sleep
An essential component of maintaining optimum physical, mental, and emotional health is ensuring you get adequate sleep each night. According to The Sleep Foundation, “while sleep issues after a traumatic experience can be distressing, they may also be an important opportunity for treating and healing from trauma. Research suggests that being able to sleep after a traumatic event can reduce intrusive trauma-related memories and make them less distressing.” Additionally, getting adequate sleep helps to improve memory, increase positive mood and decrease stress.
2. Meditate
Meditating for just five to ten minutes can have some really positive benefits including: boosting immune response, regulating stress levels, increasing focus and elevating mood. Headspace (the App) now has a program on Netflix that not only guides you through meditations but also explains why and how a particular exercise can help you. I’ve also always been a big fan of the App Insight Timer. I find guided meditations are often easier for people to start off with and you can then work your way into solely music, nature sounds or silent meditations. For anxious folx, guided meditation can help to give you a focus point so it is not so overwhelming in the beginning.
3. Exercise
Exercise is beneficial for just about everyone, but for trauma survivors it can also be a way to release pent-up emotions you have relating to what has happened to you. The type of exercise is not really as important, as engaging in a daily practice of release. If you like to dance, do some Zumba, if you are more of a yoga lover, go with that. For some, taking kickboxing or jiu-jitsu can help them feel more in control after an assault and better able to defend themselves. No matter what you choose remember that exercise should be an act of self-care, meaning it should be something you enjoy- not a punishment.
4. Positive Affirmations
For many survivors there is a good-deal of shame and guilt that comes with what has happened to them. For those reasons, it is all the more important to really focus on programing yourself with positive thoughts and beliefs. For example: “I am loved,” “I am worthy,” “I am valued,” “I am strong,” “I am enough.” I often tell client’s to pick an opposite thought to their negative self-talk, so if your inner “Karen” is saying: “I am disposable”, you say to yourself: “I am worthy and deserving of love, respect and affection”. There is a really amazing App that spams your phone, however often you set it, to give you positive affirmations called “I Am”. If its a struggle for you at first to come up with your own affirmations, I really recommend it.
This process of changing that inner voice takes time and truly is a practice so be gentle with yourself. You will have days where it works great and other days where you cannot seem to get “Karen” to stop talking. It’s okay, just take it one step, one moment at a time.
5. Support
Support is critical need for healing, surround yourself with people who build you up, cheer you on and pick you up when you are down. If you have a solid support system don’t be afraid to engage them, by calling a friend or family member, attending a support group and/or finding a therapist. If your support system is lacking, use a smartphone app or the Meetup website to find a local, like-minded group and make some new friends.
Often times survivors feel alone and like no one can or will understand how they feel, or that they will be judged for what happened to them. However, as said in the beginning abuse is more common than we would like to believe in this country. Sharing your struggles with people who understand and care about you and your well-being is an important aspect of your healing journey. If you are a sexual abuse survivor and need some words of advise from others who have been through it but are not ready to take that step of opening up just yet, I highly recommend Dear Sister by Lisa Factora-Borchers and Aishah Shahidah Simmons - a book of letters from survivors of sexual abuse to other survivors.
Are you a survivor of trauma or abuse? A licensed mental health professional can help you so you don’t have to go through this alone. Give our office a call today so we can set up a time to talk.
Keep Shining,
Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, many individuals have begun working from home. If you are one of these individuals, kudos to you; you have been forced to make the best of a sudden change that you had very little say in. As time has gone on, you have begun to see that working from home can have its perks; you have the benefit of improved flexibility, more independence, no commuting stress, and best of all-comfy clothes!
However, working from home has some challenges were not foreseeable at the start of this pandemic. These challenges have only started to be understood through the tried-and-true experience of those who have been on the forefront of this new working-from-home era. Difficulties with willpower/motivation, increased distractions, isolation, challenges with a work/home life balance, and feeling as if you have to overcompensate by working around the clock are all obstacles in working from home. If you have taken interest in reading this article, you most likely understand that working from home isn’t the idyllic, carefree playground it is cracked up to be.
Here are some tips to protect your mental health while working from home:
1. Create a designated workspace.
It is extremely tempting to roll over, open up the lap top, and get to work. A basic rule of thumb is if something feels too good and easy, it’s probably not the best thing for your overall mental health and well-being. You’ll want to keep your work zone separate from your relaxation zone as best you can with the space you have available. This can help with motivation levels, and from keeping your mind and body from receiving mixed messages about when it’s time to work and when it’s time to relax. Also, change into “real” clothes, brush your hair, brush your teeth, eat breakfast, drink coffee, and whatever else helps you to feel like a HUMAN before starting work. It is easy to “let ourselves go” when working from home, but doing so on a regular basis can have a negative impact on our confidence and zest for life.
2. Keep regular work hours (and stick to them!).
Flexibility is viewed as one of the biggest benefits of working from home. However, we as humans respond best to structure and routine. It is easy to drag out your work day while mixing in household responsibilities. However, doing so can result in being “at work” for much longer than you would be if you worked a typical 8-hour office day. Set work hours and do you best to only work within these hours. DO NOT ANSWER WORK CALLS/EMAILS AFTER WORK HOURS. I repeat-DO NOT ANSWER WORK CALLS/EMAILS AFTER WORK HOURS.Develop an “end of the work day” ritual to further solidify that your work day is over and you are “returning home.” Some suggestions for this can include putting away all of your work items, changing your clothing, putting on some music, or meditating. This will assist in not allowing work life and home life blend into one giant conglomerate mess, and in turn will benefit greatly in maintaining balance-which is something we are all striving for!
3. Take regular breaks.
Speaking of balance-take regular breaks! Often it is tempting to “push straight through,” believing there is no time or usefulness in taking a break. Afterall, won’t a break just cause me to have to work longer to complete what I need to accomplish? Wrong. It has been scientifically proven that taking breaks results in you returning to work more refreshed, centered, and more productive than you were prior to taking a break. Your stress levels will decrease as well. Just as you set regular work hours, set regular break times. Most 8-hour shifts require two ten-minute breaks and one half hour break by law, so keep this in mind when scheduling your breaks. You deserve it!
4. Get up and get moving.
Working from home can result in a sedentary lifestyle. The average person is recommended to take 10,000 steps a day. You are not getting that in your “commute” from your bed to your designated work space, even if you live in the lap of luxury. Take walks around your neighborhood on your breaks, or while making phone calls. Go up and down the stairs if you have them, do some jumping jacks or squats, or even put some music on and start dancing! If you can, set up your computer so you can type standing up. Utilize anything you can think of to get the blood flowing. This will assist with energy, motivation, and releasing feel-good endorphins to help get you through the day!
5. Take time to communicate with coworkers.
WAIT, I thought this was a benefit of working from home??? Not having to communicate with those annoying people you work with and for seems like a dream come true! Won’t this HELP my sanity? Although not having to engage in small talk or deal with difficult coworkers can be a rather enjoyable perk of working from home, TOO much isolation can be detrimental to your wellbeing. As much as we can have an aversion to it, we thrive on human interaction. Make an effort to keep the lines of communication flowing to keep from turning too far inward (it can be scary in that mind of yours!). Plus, it can boost morale and creativity to bounce ideas off another someone else.
6. Stay on task.
Part of the challenge of working from home is the plethora of distractions that are available to us. There are often an endless number of household chores that can be done, shows that can be watched, online purchases that can be made, and naps that can be taken-all of which can be done without anyone “watching over” you. Oftentimes, it can be tempting to distract ourselves from one work related task to another work-related task, and tell ourselves, “We are multitasking!” Hate to break it to you folks, but multitasking is a myth. It is scientifically proven that completing one task at a time is the most efficient way to get things done. Go ahead, google it! We are so trained in distraction that it has become a way of life. Focus on completing one task at a time, and you will see your efficiency skyrocket! This in turn reduce your stress and increase confidence in your own abilities.
7. Celebrate your victories.
Many of us were thrown into the sea of working from home without so much as a life jacket to help us. Working from home is NOT natural for us, so any day you are able to defy the odds and maintain some semblance of productivity is a successful day! You put real pants on today? Good job! Made it through the whole day without napping? Right on! What you are doing is not easy and requires a huge amount of self-discipline, self-motivation, and inner strength to maintain. So, give yourself a pat on the back; you are doing amazing.
- Alexandria (Alex) Fairchild, LMSW
Have you ever wondered how childhood trauma impacts adolescents or adults? Do you find yourself asking yourself how much your childhood has a impact on your relationships today? Childhood experiences, both positive and negative, have major impact on our emotional development and how we continue to interact in the relationships around us.
Childhood is where our attachment styles are developed and our parents are our primary attachment figures. The way they respond to us in childhood shapes our worldview, or perception of the world, and how we expect others to respond, relate and interact with us. This is the foundation of whether or not a child will feel the world is safe and whether or not those around them will accept them.
Erikson called this our view of “trust or mistrust”. Is it a safe place to venture out and take emotional risks? Are all people generally good or are they out to hurt us and therefore untrustworthy? Can we trust others to support us in times of emotional need or crisis or do I need to rely on myself?
Complex trauma refers to the prolonged exposure to a stressful event, or repeated traumatic events layered on top of another. This would include children, who have grown up in physically, sexually, and/or emotionally absent or abusive households, as well as children who grew up in unsafe communities, an incarnated parent or a parent with mental health or substance use concerns.
How Childhood Trauma Continues to Effect us into Adulthood
Without the safety net of a secure attachment relationship, children experiencing childhood trauma grow up to become adults who struggle with poor self-esteem and difficulty with emotional regulation. They continue the unhealthy relationship patterns of their childhood with partners, friends and family members. These adults also have an increased risk of developing depression and anxiety.
The following are the four basic attachment styles. Please keep in mind that these descriptions are very general; not everyone will have all these characteristics. Attachment styles are relatively fluid and can be ever-changing depending on your partner’s own attachment style and the adaptations you make as you grow and learn.
Secure Attachment in Adults
These individuals usually grew up in a supportive environment where parents consistently responded to their needs. Securely attached individuals feel comfortable in their own skin, easily share feelings with partners and friends and seek out social support. These individuals have a generally positive outlook on life and seek physical and/or emotional intimacy with minimal fear of being rejected or overwhelmed.
Securely attached individuals, much like their parents were to them, are generally consistent and reliable in their behaviors toward their partner. They also tend to include their partner in decisions that could affect their relationship or life goals.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment in Adults
Children develop this attachment style when their primary caregivers are not emotionally responsive or are rejecting of their needs.
Children learn to pull away emotionally and be overly self-reliant, as means to avoid feelings of rejection. As adults, they become uncomfortable with emotional openness and downplay the importance of relationships.
These adults tend to place a high priority on their own independence from others and tend to be extremely self-reliant. They develop techniques to reduce feelings of being overwhelmed and defend themselves from perceived threats to their “independence.”
These techniques include, shutting down, sending mixed messages, and avoiding. These coping techniques end up becoming detrimental to their adult relationships.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment in Adults
Children who have developed this style of attachment may have been exposed to prolonged abuse and/or neglect. Their primary caregivers are a source of hurt, rather than fulfilling their vital role of providing support and comfort.
These children grow up to become adults who depend on others but avoid intimacy in their relationships due to fear of rejection. As adults they have lower self-esteem and high anxiety in relationships.
As adults they see the value in having close relationships but due to the abuse they received have a difficult time trusting others. Due to this distrust, they avoid being emotionally vulnerable with others and have difficulty clearly expressing their wants and needs, as they fear it will lead to more hurt and rejection.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment in Adults:
Children with anxious-preoccupied attachment had caregivers who did not consistently meet their needs, as in their responses to the child were not consistent or predictable. Their parents were nurturing, caring and attentive at times but this was alternated with cold, rejecting or emotionally detached behaviors.
This alternation between love and rejection makes it difficult for a child to know what to expect from day to day. These children then grow up to be adults who require a lot of connection, closeness and attention within their relationships, sometimes to the point of being “clingy.”
Individuals who have this attachment style may need more validation and approval from loved ones than the other attachment styles.
Neurobiology of Attachment and Childhood Trauma
As products of our own environments, adults will often find themselves repeating the same behaviors witnessed and experienced in childhood. This is because the neural pathways developed from childhood traumatic experiences shape keep us stuck in these unhealthy patterns and ways of relating.
To say all of this is not meant to place blame on caregivers for the types of relationships formed in your adult life. However, increasing awareness of your own attachment style can help you take those first steps towards recognizing patterns and improving your relationships as an adult. With newfound awareness you can move to form securely attached relationships with your partner and with your own children.
Processing those difficult childhood memories of abuse and neglect can help you to make new neural connections with more adaptive experiences in your life and thus alter that inner-voice that keeps your stuck in poor patterns of behavior.
Where to go From Here?
At Long Island EMDR, we understand how complex childhood trauma affects you as an adult, which is why we specialize in EMDR and trauma-focused therapies. We are here to help guide and support you through your journey of processing past hurts and forming healthier connections.
Keep Shining,
When describing yourself, how do you finish the sentence “I am…..”?
Are you saying things like, “I am":
LOVED,
POWERFUL,
BLESSED,
WORTHY,
COMPETENT,
INTERESTING,
ENOUGH.…
Or is your “I am” statement more like — I am small, weak, ugly, incompetent, useless, discarded or not enough?
Each of us has an internal dialogue that has a tremendous effect on how we see ourselves, how we feel and the actions we do or do not take. Do you start your day with “I am beautiful, smart, awake, invigorated”? Do you believe “I am loved, honored, cherished and wise.” Or do your thoughts all too often go to “I cannot do this. I am not okay. I will never be enough.”?
Our life events big and small help to shape this inner voice, that so very much tends to guide the direction of our lives. Whether it was bullying, physical abuse, humiliation, sexual abuse, witnessing violence or emotional neglect- what happens in our lives shape our views about ourselves. These events indeed have an effect on our life trajectory- both positive and negative.
The good news is there is also a way to change this inner voice to focus on our strengths rather than our insecurities.
By reprocessing or traumas, be they negative or difficult childhood memories or significant traumatic events (rape, assault, death of loved ones, war), we are allowing our brains to make new neural connections and new positive associations. Additionally, we are able to let go of those intense emotions and bodily sensations linked to these events, that keep us in patterns that are no longer serving us. Processing these traumas with EMDR therapy helps you put those negative thoughts to rest so you can start creating the life you desire and deserve.
If you would like to put an end to the negative inner voice and start finding your inner strengths we have EMDR certified clinicians who are here to help. Give our office a call to begin EMDR therapy today.
Refocusing Your Intention and Resetting Your Goals
We’re about a month into the new year and this can be the time where commitment to our resolutions can start to become lackluster. Sometimes difficulties to maintaining our goals can lead to disappointment in ourselves and cause us to fall into this negative headspace where we wind up resenting our overall objective and decide it no longer matters. Where we get ourselves into trouble is when we pick ourselves apart for not being thin enough, productive enough, healthy enough, etc and we wind up setting these outrageous goals for ourselves that we don’t have the tools to reach and then get disheartened when we haven’t magically ridden ourselves of our love of ice cream on January 1st.
Growth is a wonderful thing- whether it be that we are going to start a new workout routine or that we are going to start carving out time for ourselves every day to enjoy and recharge. But setting a goal that truly means a lot to us as individuals is very different than setting one that we feel we need to attain to be valuable. If this is resonating with you, now may be a good time to refocus and reset your intention for your goals, both short and long term. Below are some questions to ask yourself as you check in regarding your current goal. Keep in mind that if you come across a question and think “Welp, didn’t do that. Better luck next year,” don’t worry! This is not a sign that your journey is doomed but rather an opportunity to possibly identify and overcome a barrier. We’ll say it a few times in this post but to start, remember you have permission to make changes along the way and any step you have taken to work towards something meaningful to you is something to be celebrated.
1: Is the goal vague or specific?
Having specifics can be helpful because we see the actual steps needed to achieve our goal. For example, if my goal is to be more patientI might not really understand what more patience would look like in different scenarios. So I could decide, for example, to be more patient with my family members when it comes to cleaning the house. Maybe that means meeting with my household and saying I’ll do my best to give my family members a full day before mentioning dirty dishes in the sink.
2: How are you measuring your success?
Is there a way that you will know you are achieving or working towards your goal? If my goal is to improve my organization skills I may measure my organization by my ability to identify what’s on the agenda for the day or maybe I will be able to accomplish my tasks for the day or week on time. By doing this I’ll have a clear marker to compare my progress to.
3: How attainable is your goal?
Whatever your goal is it may be helpful to check in to see if there are any pre-requisites to accomplishing your objective or if your goal seems so large that it is overwhelming, this may be a good time to break it up into smaller parts. For example, it will definitely be difficult to achieve my goal of walking 2 miles a day if I don’t have appropriate sneakers on day one.Furthermore, not being able to meet my first objective but trigger that disappointment we mentioned earlier and could direct me into a loop where I’m so busy focusing on my disappointment and allowing other things to get in the way, that I don’t actually start working towards my goal. Something that can be really empowering when we feel like our plan isn’t planning out the way we hoped is giving ourselves credit for what we have done to achieve this goal.Maybe I’ll celebrate when I prioritize going to get a pair of shoes and setting an alarm for the next morning to start my walking plan. It’s amazing how acknowledging a component of a larger objective can cause a surge of motivation to continue forward.
4: How relevant is your goal?
Goals are important. They encourage us to grow and prevent us from becoming complacent in things that are truly important to us. However sometimes we wind up setting a goal that does not exactly align with our intention. If it seems like what you’re working towards combats with your values and long-term aspirations, this may be a sign that the goal is not relevant to your overall purpose. If that’s the case it may be helpful to take a moment and examine what the cause of misalignment between the present goal and your mission is and perhaps, reassess and redefine your goal so they co-exist. This is not to say your goal should be attained without effort but rather your goal should reflect a true commitment what is important to us.
5: Is This Goal Time-Bound?
Deadlines can be helpful to keep us motivated and serve as a check in regarding our progress to keep us on track. For example, if I want to train for a marathon in a year, I’m more likely to meet this goal if I’m mindful of my deadline so I might come up with a monthly objective to increase my endurance and stamina. If I don’t hold myself accountable to a timeline I may be more likely to push off my workouts and my goal may slip further and further away from me. With this in mind, take a note of your goal and see if there is a realistic timeline to achieve your goal. As we said earlier, breaking a big goal into smaller parts can be very empowering. In this way setting deadlines for each smaller component can enhance our motivation even more by holding us accountable for checking in and keeping us invested consistently along the way.
6: Is There Anything That Could Get In The Way of Steps 1-5?
Life happens and sometimes we can’t anticipate what lies ahead. Our plans for achievement are not finite. We can be flexible in the steps we take to achieve success. So if there have been barriers or unforeseen disruptions in staying on track, give yourself permission to re-evaluate your plan to address these obstacles. Lastly, give yourself permission to adapt and, again, don’t forget to acknowledge the work you have already put in to grow.
Being a mom is hard, being a mom who strives to meet your child’s every need is taxing but well worth the effort. How do we balance meeting our children’s needs and taking care of ourselves? Being a good mom doesn’t mean neglecting yourself for the sake of your baby. What your child needs most is a happy mama who is able to be their calm and support. Self-care is really important for both you and your little one. What self-care looks like and what that means for each person is different. At Long Island EMDR we provide Postpartum Therapy for moms experiencing postpartum depression and/or anxiety. Here is a list of suggestions of what you can do for self-care so afterwards, you are more ready and able to meet the needs of your little one.
- Support.
Support is number one because it makes taking a needed break possible. Utilizing grandparents, your partner, other family members or close friends is important. If you have supports around you, ask for help. I know we want to do it all but sometimes even someone coming by for you to cook without the baby on you or take a shower alone will help you to feel relaxed. I struggled the first few months with leaving my son for any stretch of time but if you are comfortable, a walk outside in the park or dinner out with your partner is a good way to relax and center yourself. As I said earlier just having someone come over so you can enjoy little things like cooking, showering, or reading alone may be the bit of relaxation you need.
Understandably, this is not always possible if you have a limited support network. The phrase “it takes a village” really is true so it is important that you work on building your supports. Finding like-minded parents that you feel comfortable leaving your child/children with can be a great source of relief.
No matter whom you leave your child with make sure they know how you want your child taken care of when you’re away. Tell them your preferences for medications. Teach them your child’s hunger cues and ways you soothe your child when he/she becomes upset. Always leave an emergency contact list.
- Exercise.
If possible go to the gym when your spouse is still home (before work or after). If you’re like me and that’s not possible, join a gym where you can bring your baby. I go to Fit4mom, which has the added benefit of also being a second support network of like-minded moms (at least in my location).
- Take a relaxing bath.
If you can’t get anyone to supervise your little ones, bring them in with you. My child loves baths. So its usually relaxation time for us both.
- Read.
I really love reading and always feel accomplished after I finish a good book.
- Take a walk!
If it’s nice out put on that baby carrier and take your baby with you. Just being outdoors is relaxing. Michael and I go on walks often. He likes to look at nature and usually is lulled to sleep while we walk. Fresh air and a change of scenery can be nice, especially in the early months where you may feel like your stuck in the house.
- Meditate.
Whether you have 5 minutes or an hour, meditation is a great way to relax and center yourself. I love the app Insight Timer they have all sorts of meditations and they vary in time commitments. I also love the “sleep” feature so you can drift off to sleep and the app turns off when the meditation is finished.
- Color.
Seriously. I know it sounds childish to some but there are an array of adult coloring books that really are quite relaxing to do.
- Gratitude Journal.
Did you know studies actually show you can train your brain to be more positive by writing down 3 positive things a day? The list should be specific, not “my husband, my child, work”, but more like ” my child is healthy”, “I’m able to breastfeed”, ” my husband is supporting me in returning (or not returning) to work”. Postpartum therapy can assist you in identifying what is going right if you are feeling so anxious or hopeless you cannot think of a single thing to be grateful for.
- Call a friend.
If you can’t get out and you have no one able to come to you, a phone call can be a lifeline. Call someone who is supportive and willing to listen. Catching up with a friend or relative can really brighten your day.
- Listen to music.
Even if it’s music on while you have a spare minute to vacuum the floor. Crank up some old jams and dance around yourself. I love to sing, my dancing skills are not so great (but I will still dance like a fool), and I find singing really helps to release anxiety.
Take care of yourself. On an airplane they always tell you to put your mask on first. You need to be calm and happy to help your child be calm and happy. You’re also modeling good coping strategies for your child. They learn more from what you do, then what you say.
If you need some more help with navigating postpartum symptoms and want to begin postpartum therapy, please reach out to our office.
Sending love and light,
In our world today, perfectionism is viewed as positive and fear of failure is frowned upon. Perfectionism is something people often consider more of a strength than a weakness. That constant desire for perfection can become unhealthy and irrational. Longing for a fulfilling life, lacking self-confidence, all-or-nothing, over-thinking, fear of failure, fear of judgement and what people think, significantly high standards, people pleasing, and craving guidance. Does any of this sound familiar to you? If so, you are far from alone.
As far back as I can remember, I struggled with this compulsive internal desire to be perfect and anything short of that was seen as failure. My perfectionism became intertwined with my sense of self; which is how perfectionist traits can become depleting. As I got older, I viewed my sense of perfectionism as one of my greatest strengths; well, likely because perfectionism is ultimately an illusion and the pursuit of perfection becomes a vicious cycle. Becoming self-aware and changing my mindset of perfection tendencies have been difficult for me and still requires daily effort and practice to increase self-compassion and decrease self-criticism.
I have come to realize that at the same time as we set unreasonable standards for ourselves, social media reinforces unrealistic standards and magnifies the fear of failure. With social media being a large part of our lives and our culture, it is often difficult to avoid. But it is possible to see beyond the illusion of being perfect and begin to change your mind set to become the best version of yourself that you can be. We ultimately get in our own way of living a fulfilling life.
Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be our best. Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is necessary to see beyond the illusion and become your best self. Healthy striving is self-focused: “How can I improve?” Perfectionism is other-focused: “What will they think?” It’s about creating an environment where imperfection isn’t just accepted but celebrated, because it means we’re human. Changing how you think about yourself is a work in progress. Allowing imperfection to happen and accepting it relieves that extra weight you have been carrying with you. Celebrate imperfections and get out of your own way!