When someone you care about is dealing with depression , it can be challenging for both of
you. Depression is a complex and often misunderstood condition that can have a profound
impact on a person's life. As a friend or family member, you may feel helpless or unsure how
to provide support. However, there are practical strategies you can use to assist your loved
one during their journey to recovery. Learn tools for supporting a depressed loved one and
offer guidance on how to be their source of strength and comfort.

Understanding Depression

Depression is a mental health disorder that affects millions of people worldwide, and it's
important to recognize the signs and symptoms to offer effective support to your loved one.
Here's a deeper look at what depression entails:

• Persistent Sadness: Depression is often marked by a sense of profound and enduring sadness. This sadness isn't just feeling down for a day or two; it lingers for weeks or months
• Hopelessness: Individuals with depression may feel a sense of hopelessness about their future. They may struggle to see a way out of their emotional pain
• Loss of Interest: One of the hallmark signs of depression is a loss of interest or pleasure in activities that once brought joy. Hobbies, socializing, or even daily routines can become burdensome
• Cognitive Effects: Depression can impact a person's ability to think clearly and concentrate. They may have trouble making decisions or remembering things
• Physical Symptoms: Depression isn't just a mental struggle; it can manifest physically, too. Fatigue, changes in appetite and weight, sleep disturbances, and even unexplained aches and pains are common
• Withdrawal: People with depression often withdraw from social interactions and isolate themselves. They may feel like a burden to others or simply lack the energy to engage with the world

Major Triggers

Depression can be triggered by significant life events, including the loss of a loved one,
divorce or the end of a long-term relationship, job loss, financial difficulties, and major
transitions like relocating to a new location and dealing with moving depression. These
events can disrupt a person's sense of stability and familiarity, leading to feelings of sadness,
anxiety, and uncertainty. Be vigilant in recognizing the emotional impact of these life
changes and seek support when needed to navigate the challenges they bring.

The Importance of Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. When it
comes to supporting a depressed loved one, empathy is your most powerful tool. Let your
loved one know that you are there for them and that you care about their well-being. Listen
without judgment and validate their feelings. Depression can be isolating, and knowing that
someone cares can make a world of difference.

Educate Yourself on Supporting a Depressed Loved One

One of the best ways to support a depressed loved one is to educate yourself about
depression. Learn about the symptoms, causes, and treatment options. Understanding the
condition can help you empathize better and provide more informed support. There are
plenty of reputable sources online, or you can consult with a mental health professional for
guidance.

Encourage Professional Help

Depression is a serious condition that often requires professional treatment. Encourage
your loved one to seek help from a mental health therapist or psychiatrist. Offer to help
them find a therapist or accompany them to their appointments if they are comfortable
with that. Remember that while your support is valuable, it cannot replace the expertise of
a trained mental health professional.

Be Patient

Recovery from depression takes time, and it can be a bumpy road. Be patient with your
loved one and avoid pressuring them to "snap out of it" or "cheer up." Depression is not
something a person can control with willpower alone. Your loved one may have good days
and bad days, and it's important to be there for them consistently.

Offer Practical Assistance

Depression can make even simple daily tasks feel overwhelming. Offer practical help, such
as preparing meals, doing household chores, or running errands. These small gestures can
make a big difference in easing some of the burdens your loved one may be experiencing.

Stay Connected

Depression can lead to isolation, so it's essential to stay connected with your loved one.
Even if they withdraw or cancel plans, continue reaching out and inviting them to socialize
when they feel up to it. Your presence and support can help combat the loneliness that
often accompanies depression.

Encourage Self-Care

Encourage your loved one to engage in activities that promote their well-being, such as
exercise, eating nutritiously, and getting enough sleep. Offer to participate in these activities
together if they are open to it.

Avoid Making Assumptions

Every person's experience with depression is unique. Avoid making assumptions about what
your loved one needs or how they should feel. Instead, ask them directly how you can be
supportive and respect their boundaries.

Monitor for Suicidal Thoughts

Depression can lead to thoughts of self-harm or suicide. If your loved one expresses such
thoughts, take them seriously and seek immediate help. Contact a crisis hotline or take
them to the nearest emergency room if necessary. Your loved one's safety should always be
the top priority.

Practice Self-Care

Supporting a depressed loved one can be emotionally draining. Do not forget to take care of
your own well-being as well. Make sure you have a support system of your own, and
consider seeking guidance from a therapist or support group if you find it challenging to
cope with your loved one's depression.

Avoid Judging or Criticizing

Comments like "You have so much to be thankful for" or "Why can't you just be happy?" are
not helpful and can make your loved one feel more isolated. Remember that depression is
an illness, not a choice.

Celebrate Small Victories

Recovery from depression is not linear, and progress may be slow. Celebrate the small
victories and moments of joy with your loved one. It can be as simple as acknowledging
when they accomplish a task or expressing your pride in their efforts to seek help.

The Takeaway

Supporting a depressed loved one is not easy, but your presence and understanding can
make a significant difference in their journey toward recovery. Remember that depression is
a complex condition that often requires professional treatment, so encourage your loved
one to seek help from a mental health expert. Be patient and empathetic, and practice self-
care to maintain your own well-being throughout the process.

Have you ever wondered how childhood trauma impacts adolescents or adults? Do you find yourself asking yourself how much your childhood has a impact on your relationships today? Childhood experiences, both positive and negative, have major impact on our emotional development and how we continue to interact in the relationships around us. 

Childhood is where our attachment styles are developed and our parents are our primary attachment figures. The way they respond to us in childhood shapes our worldview, or perception of the world, and how we expect others to respond, relate and interact with us. This is the foundation of whether or not a child will feel the world is safe and whether or not those around them will accept them.

Erikson called this our view of “trust or mistrust”. Is it a safe place to venture out and take emotional risks? Are all people generally good or are they out to hurt us and therefore untrustworthy? Can we trust others to support us in times of emotional need or crisis or do I need to rely on myself?

Complex trauma refers to the prolonged exposure to a stressful event, or repeated traumatic events layered on top of another. This would include children, who have grown up in physically, sexually, and/or emotionally absent or abusive households, as well as children who grew up in unsafe communities, an incarnated parent or a parent with mental health or substance use concerns.

How Childhood Trauma Continues to Effect us into Adulthood

The following are the four basic attachment styles. Please keep in mind that these descriptions are very general; not everyone will have all these characteristics. Attachment styles are relatively fluid and can be ever-changing depending on your partner’s own attachment style and the adaptations you make as you grow and learn.

Secure Attachment in Adults

These individuals usually grew up in a supportive environment where parents consistently responded to their needs. Securely attached individuals feel comfortable in their own skin, easily share feelings with partners and friends and seek out social support. These individuals have a generally positive outlook on life and seek physical and/or emotional intimacy with minimal fear of being rejected or overwhelmed.

Securely attached individuals, much like their parents were to them, are generally consistent and reliable in their behaviors toward their partner. They also tend to include their partner in decisions that could affect their relationship or life goals. 

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment in Adults

Children develop this attachment style when their primary caregivers are not emotionally responsive or are rejecting of their needs.

Children learn to pull away emotionally and be overly self-reliant, as means to avoid feelings of rejection. As adults, they become uncomfortable with emotional openness and downplay the importance of relationships.

These adults tend to place a high priority on their own independence from others and tend to be extremely self-reliant. They develop techniques to reduce feelings of being overwhelmed and defend themselves from perceived threats to their “independence.”

These techniques include, shutting down, sending mixed messages, and avoiding. These coping techniques end up becoming detrimental to their adult relationships.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment in Adults

Children who have developed this style of attachment may have been exposed to prolonged abuse and/or neglect. Their primary caregivers are a source of hurt, rather than fulfilling their vital role of providing support and comfort. 

As adults they see the value in having close relationships but due to the abuse they received have a difficult time trusting others. Due to this distrust, they avoid being emotionally vulnerable with others and have difficulty clearly expressing their wants and needs, as they fear it will lead to more hurt and rejection.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment in Adults:

Children with anxious-preoccupied attachment had caregivers who did not consistently meet their needs, as in their responses to the child were not consistent or predictable. Their parents were nurturing, caring and attentive at times but this was alternated with cold, rejecting or emotionally detached behaviors. 

This alternation between love and rejection makes it difficult for a child to know what to expect from day to day. These children then grow up to be adults who require a lot of connection, closeness and attention within their relationships, sometimes to the point of being “clingy.”

Individuals who have this attachment style may need more validation and approval from loved ones than the other attachment styles.

Neurobiology of Attachment and Childhood Trauma

As products of our own environments, adults will often find themselves repeating the same behaviors witnessed and experienced in childhood. This is because the neural pathways developed from childhood traumatic experiences shape keep us stuck in these unhealthy patterns and ways of relating.

To say all of this is not meant to place blame on caregivers for the types of relationships formed in your adult life. However, increasing awareness of your own attachment style can help you take those first steps towards recognizing patterns and improving your relationships as an adult. With newfound awareness you can move to form securely attached relationships with your partner and with your own children. 

Processing those difficult childhood memories of abuse and neglect can help you to make new neural connections with more adaptive experiences in your life and thus alter that inner-voice that keeps your stuck in poor patterns of behavior. 

Where to go From Here?

At Long Island EMDR, we understand how complex childhood trauma affects you as an adult, which is why we specialize in EMDR and trauma-focused therapies. We are here to help guide and support you through your journey of processing past hurts and forming healthier connections.

Keep Shining,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW 

As parents, we often see ourselves in our children - the good and the bad. It can be heartwarming to see our positive traits reflected in our little ones, but it can also be difficult and even painful to see our flaws mirrored in them. This phenomenon can be attributed to a variety of factors, including genetics and learned behavior. However, our children can also serve as mirrors for our unresolved issues and traumas. This is why therapy can be a valuable tool for both parents and children to work through their own struggles and create a healthier dynamic within the family.

The Importance of Identifying Negative Behaviors

Identifying negative behaviors in ourselves and our children is crucial for creating a healthy and positive family dynamic. When we can recognize these behaviors, we have the opportunity to address them and work toward change. Not only does this benefit our children, but it also allows us to grow as individuals and break free from harmful patterns.

Additionally, identifying negative behaviors helps us understand the underlying issues that may be contributing to these behaviors. It allows us to explore our own traumas and unresolved issues, so we can heal and move forward.

Overall, recognizing and addressing negative behaviors is a crucial step toward creating a loving and supportive family environment. It sets the foundation for personal growth, improved relationships, and a happier future for everyone involved.

Understanding Normal Childhood Development and Behavior Patterns

Understanding normal childhood development and behavior patterns is essential for parents to effectively navigate their child's growth and development. It helps us distinguish between behaviors that are part of a normal developmental process and those that may be a reflection of our own negative behavior patterns. By having this knowledge, parents can better respond to their child's needs and promote their overall well-being.

During childhood, children go through various stages of development, both physically and emotionally. These stages include milestones such as learning to walk, talk, and form relationships. Each child develops at their own pace, and it's important for parents to be aware of these variations.

By familiarizing ourselves with normal childhood development and behavior patterns, we can better support our children in reaching their full potential. It also enables us to identify when additional support or intervention may be necessary. Through this understanding, we can create a nurturing environment that fosters growth, resilience, and emotional well-being for our children.

Recognizing Our Own Negative Behavior Patterns Reflected in Our Children

It can be a startling and eye-opening experience when we see our own negative behavior patterns reflected in our children. As parents, we often strive to be the best role models for our kids, but sometimes our own unresolved issues and traumas can unintentionally manifest in our behavior towards them. It's essential to recognize these patterns in order to break the cycle and create a healthier family dynamic.

When we see our negative behavior patterns in our children, it's important not to beat ourselves up or feel guilty. Instead, we should view it as an opportunity for growth and self-reflection. By acknowledging these patterns, we can begin to understand the underlying issues that may be contributing to them. This self-awareness allows us to address our own struggles and work towards healing and personal growth.

Recognizing our own negative behavior patterns in our children also provides an opportunity to model healthier behaviors. We can teach our kids important life skills such as emotional regulation, effective communication, and problem-solving. By being open and honest about our own challenges, we create a safe and supportive environment for our children to express themselves and navigate their own emotions.

Remember, it's never too late to make positive changes and break negative behavior cycles. By recognizing and addressing our own negative behavior patterns, we can create a loving and nurturing environment where our children can thrive and grow into resilient individuals.

Why Communicating Better is Easier Said Than Done

Effective communication is often easier said than done, especially within the family dynamic. Many factors contribute to the challenges we face when trying to communicate better with our children. One major factor is the emotional baggage and unresolved issues we carry from our past. These can hinder our ability to express ourselves openly and honestly, leading to miscommunication and misunderstandings.

Furthermore, stress and daily pressures can take a toll on our communication skills. When we're overwhelmed, it's easy to fall into reactive behaviors rather than responding calmly and empathetically to our children.

But don't worry, improving communication is absolutely possible! It starts with self-awareness and recognizing our own communication challenges. By prioritizing active listening, open dialogue, and practicing effective conflict resolution skills, we can create an environment where communication flows more smoothly. Seeking support from therapists or family counselors can also be immensely helpful in improving communication within the family.

Remember, improving communication takes time and patience. Celebrate the small victories and keep working towards open and effective communication, knowing that your efforts will ultimately strengthen the bond with your children and create a harmonious family dynamic.

The Role of Self-Awareness and Accountability in Positive Parenting

Self-awareness and accountability play crucial roles in positive parenting. When we become aware of our own flaws and negative behavior patterns, we have the power to make positive changes and break the cycle. By taking responsibility for our actions and choices, we model accountability to our children, teaching them the importance of self-reflection and personal growth.

Self-awareness allows us to recognize when our emotions and unresolved issues are influencing our interactions with our children. It helps us pause, reflect, and respond rather than react impulsively. By being aware of our triggers and emotional baggage, we can better understand how they impact our parenting style and make conscious efforts to address them.

Accountability involves taking ownership of our mistakes and making amends when necessary. It teaches our children that everyone makes errors, but what matters is how we take responsibility and learn from them. By modeling accountability, we create a safe and supportive environment where our children feel comfortable acknowledging their own mistakes and growing from them.

In order to cultivate self-awareness and accountability, it's important to practice self-reflection, seek support from therapists or parenting classes, and regularly assess our own behavior and its impact on our children. Remember, positive parenting is a journey, and embracing self-awareness and accountability is a powerful step toward creating a loving and nurturing family dynamic.

Strategies for Breaking Negative Behavior Cycles

Breaking negative behavior cycles can be a challenging but worthwhile endeavor. Here are some strategies to help you on your journey:

1. Self-reflection: Take the time to reflect on your behavior and identify the negative patterns you want to break. Understand the triggers that lead to these behaviors and explore the underlying emotions and experiences that contribute to them.

3. Set clear boundaries: Establish clear and consistent boundaries with your children. Clearly communicate expectations and consequences, and be firm yet loving in enforcing them. Consistency and clarity provide a sense of security for children and help break negative behavior cycles. Gentle or positive parenting does not mean no boundaries or consequences!

4. Practice positive discipline: Instead of resorting to punitive measures, focus on positive discipline techniques that promote learning and growth. Use praise and rewards to reinforce desired behaviors and provide guidance and redirection for negative behaviors.

5. Model healthy behavior: Be a role model for your children by exhibiting the behavior you want to see in them. Show empathy, effective communication, and problem-solving skills. Let them see you making mistakes and taking responsibility for them, emphasizing the importance of self-reflection and personal growth.

Remember, breaking negative behavior cycles takes time and patience. Be kind to yourself and your children throughout the process. Celebrate small victories, seek support when needed, and embrace the journey of creating a healthier and happier family dynamic.

With love,
Kristy Casper, LCSW

Do you feel like your relationships keep repeating the same patterns? Are you struggling to get out of a trauma bond? EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can be the key to unlocking unhealthy relationship patterns and creating healthier ones. In this blog post, we will explore how EMDR can help us with future relationships, how to recognize red flags and green flags, and how to break a trauma bond. So if you're looking for a way to build healthier relationships, EMDR may just be the answer.
How can trauma bonding impact future relationships, and what steps can be taken to heal from this type of emotional attachment.

Understanding the Trauma Bond and its Impact on Relationships

Trauma bonds can leave lasting effects on our emotional and mental well-being. They can distort our perception of what is healthy and normal in a relationship, making it challenging to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. The trauma bond can also lead to feelings of dependency, fear, and low self-esteem.

By understanding the trauma bond and how it impacts relationships, we can begin to break free from its grip and create healthier, more fulfilling connections with others. Through EMDR therapy, we can address and process the traumatic experiences that have contributed to the trauma bond, allowing us to heal and build healthier relationship patterns.

Exploring the Benefits of EMDR Therapy for Healing from Trauma Bonds

EMDR therapy offers a powerful and effective approach to healing from trauma bonds. By targeting the underlying traumatic experiences that have contributed to these unhealthy relationship patterns, EMDR can help break free from the grip of the trauma bond and create healthier, more fulfilling connections with others.

One of the major benefits of EMDR therapy is its ability to process and reprocess traumatic memories in a safe and controlled environment. This helps to alleviate the distress associated with these memories and reduces their impact on current relationships. By reprocessing the traumatic experiences, EMDR allows individuals to gain new insights, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and form a more positive sense of self.

Another benefit of EMDR therapy is its ability to desensitize and reprocess triggers associated with the trauma bond. These triggers can often lead to intense emotional and physiological reactions that hinder healthy relationship dynamics. Through EMDR, individuals can learn to identify and reprocess these triggers, reducing their power and allowing for more stable and secure relationships.

EMDR therapy also provides individuals with a sense of empowerment and control over their own healing journey. By actively engaging in the therapeutic process, individuals can regain a sense of agency and autonomy in their relationships. This newfound empowerment allows for the development of healthier boundaries and the ability to navigate future relationships from a place of strength and self-assuredness.

Overall, EMDR therapy offers numerous benefits for healing from trauma bonds. Through its unique approach, it empowers individuals to break free from the patterns of the past, creating the space for healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.

How EMDR Can Help with Future Relationships by Breaking Old Patterns

EMDR therapy offers hope for breaking free from old relationship patterns and building healthier connections in the future. By targeting the underlying traumas that contribute to these patterns, EMDR helps to reprocess and heal the wounds that hold us back.

EMDR also empowers us to set boundaries and make choices that align with our values and needs. By working through past traumas, we can develop a stronger sense of self and cultivate self-assuredness in future relationships.

With the help of EMDR therapy, we can break the cycle of trauma and create a foundation for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Identifying Red Flags in Relationships That Trigger Trauma Responses

Identifying red flags in relationships is crucial for trauma survivors as it helps them recognize patterns that may trigger trauma responses. These red flags can vary, but some common ones include controlling behavior, excessive jealousy, manipulation, verbal or physical aggression, and disregard for boundaries. It's important to trust your instincts and take note of any discomfort or unease you feel in a relationship.

Another red flag is a lack of empathy or understanding for your past traumas. If your partner dismisses or minimizes your experiences, it can be detrimental to your healing process. Additionally, a lack of communication or refusal to address conflict in a healthy manner can indicate potential problems in the relationship.

By learning to identify these red flags, trauma survivors can protect themselves and make informed decisions about their relationships. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor can provide guidance in recognizing and addressing these red flags, allowing for healthier, more fulfilling connections in the future. Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship that nurtures and supports your healing journey.

Recognizing Green Flags in Healthy Relationships that Foster Growth and Healing

Some examples of green flags include open and honest communication, respect for boundaries, empathy and understanding, mutual support and encouragement, and a willingness to work through conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner. These green flags create an environment where growth and healing can thrive. It is important to be aware of these green flags and actively seek out relationships that embody these qualities. By recognizing and prioritizing healthy relationships, trauma survivors can create a foundation for long-lasting healing, growth, and fulfillment.

Incorporating Self-Care Practices to Support Healing and Growth after Trauma.

Incorporating self-care practices into your life after experiencing trauma is crucial for your healing and growth. Self-care is about prioritizing your well-being and taking intentional steps to nurture and support yourself. It's about recognizing your own needs and actively seeking out activities and practices that promote healing and self-compassion.

There are many self-care practices that can support your healing journey. Engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as spending time in nature, practicing yoga or meditation, or indulging in a favorite hobby, can be incredibly beneficial. Taking care of your physical health through regular exercise, eating nutritious meals, and getting enough sleep is also important for your overall well-being.

Additionally, seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist can provide you with the guidance and understanding you need during your healing process. Taking the time to express and process your emotions, whether through journaling, art, or talking with a trusted confidante, can also be a valuable self-care practice.

Remember, incorporating self-care practices is not selfish or indulgent. It is a necessary and essential part of your healing journey. By prioritizing your well-being and engaging in self-care, you are taking an active role in your own healing and growth after trauma.

When it comes to raising emotionally healthy and confident children, parents need to take a proactive approach. Therapy for parents is an important part of this process, as it provides an opportunity for parents to work through their own hurts and emotional struggles in order to model appropriate behavior for their kids. In this guide, we'll be looking at tips for parents to facilitate confidence, good boundaries, and healthy self-esteem, as well as why working through our own hurts and emotional struggles is necessary in order to help our children develop emotional well-being and confidence.

Why emotional health and confidence are important for children

Emotional health and confidence are crucial aspects of a child's overall well-being. When children have a strong foundation of emotional health, they are better equipped to handle life's challenges, form positive relationships, and achieve success in various areas of their lives.
One of the key reasons why emotional health is important for children is its impact on their mental well-being. Children who have good emotional health are more likely to have a positive self-image, feel a sense of belonging, and have a strong sense of self-worth. They are also better able to regulate their emotions and cope with stress, which leads to improved mental health outcomes.
Confidence is another crucial component of a child's emotional well-being. When children are confident, they are more likely to take on challenges and persevere in the face of adversity. They believe in their abilities and are willing to take risks, which fosters resilience and a growth mindset. Confident children are also more likely to have positive social interactions, as they feel comfortable expressing themselves and engaging with others.
Furthermore, emotional health and confidence have a significant impact on a child's social development. Children who are emotionally healthy are better able to understand and manage their own emotions, as well as empathize with the feelings of others. This leads to healthier relationships, effective communication, and increased social competence. Additionally, confident children are more likely to assert their boundaries, stand up for themselves, and make decisions that align with their values, which are essential skills for navigating various social situations.
Moreover, emotional health and confidence play a crucial role in academic success. When children have a strong emotional foundation, they are better able to focus, concentrate, and engage in their learning. They are more likely to have a positive attitude towards school, feel motivated to succeed, and have the resilience to overcome academic challenges. Confidence also impacts a child's willingness to ask questions, seek help when needed, and take on new academic tasks, which contributes to their overall educational achievement.
Therapy for parents is an essential component in promoting emotional health and confidence in children. By addressing their own emotional struggles, parents can better understand and regulate their own emotions, providing a stable and nurturing environment for their children. Furthermore, therapy allows parents to develop healthy communication and problem-solving skills, which can positively impact their interactions with their children.

In summary, emotional health and confidence are vital for children's overall well-being. They impact mental health, social development, and academic success. By fostering emotional well-being and confidence in children, parents can set them up for a lifetime of resilience, self-esteem, and success.

Tips for facilitating your child's emotional well-being

When it comes to facilitating your child's emotional well-being, there are several key strategies that parents can implement. By being proactive and intentional in your approach, you can help your child develop the emotional skills and resilience needed to navigate life's challenges. Therapy for parents to work help achieve these tips is recommended, especially for those with childhood trauma histories. Here are some tips to facilitate your child's emotional well-being:

1. Create a safe and supportive environment: Provide your child with a nurturing and secure environment where they feel safe expressing their emotions. Encourage open communication and active listening. Validate their feelings and let them know that it's okay to experience a range of emotions. This will help your child develop a healthy emotional awareness and expression.
2. Teach emotional intelligence: Help your child develop emotional intelligence by teaching them to identify and understand their emotions. Talk about different emotions and help them recognize their triggers and coping mechanisms. Encourage empathy by discussing how others might be feeling in certain situations. By understanding emotions, your child can better regulate their own feelings and respond empathetically to others.
3. Encourage problem-solving skills: Teach your child problem-solving skills to help them navigate challenging situations. Encourage them to brainstorm solutions, consider the pros and cons of each option, and make informed decisions. By empowering your child to solve their own problems, you are fostering their independence and self-confidence.
4. Foster resilience: Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity. Help your child develop resilience by encouraging them to view setbacks as learning opportunities. Teach them to develop a growth mindset, where they see challenges as stepping stones to success rather than roadblocks. Encourage perseverance and provide support as they navigate through difficult situations.
5. Practice self-care: Modeling self-care is essential in promoting your child's emotional well-being. Show them the importance of taking care of yourself by prioritizing activities that promote mental and emotional well-being. Take breaks, engage in hobbies, and practice self-compassion. By prioritizing self-care, you are teaching your child the importance of taking care of their own emotional needs.
6. Seek professional help if needed: If you notice that your child is struggling with their emotional well-being, it may be beneficial to seek professional help. A therapist or counselor can provide guidance and support tailored to your child's needs. They can help your child develop coping mechanisms, address underlying issues, and provide strategies to enhance their emotional well-being. Therapy for parents whose children are struggling is helpful and will lead to changes within you and within your family.

Teaching healthy boundaries

Here are some strategies for teaching healthy boundaries to your child:

1. Start early: It's never too early to begin teaching your child about boundaries. Even toddlers can start learning about personal space and respecting others' boundaries. Use simple language and concrete examples to help them understand the concept.
2. Set clear expectations: Clearly communicate your expectations for boundaries with your child. Explain what behaviors are acceptable and what are not. Make sure they understand the consequences of crossing boundaries and why it is important to respect them.
3. Lead by example: Children learn best by observing and imitating their parents. Model healthy boundaries by respecting your own limits and boundaries. Show your child how to say "no" when necessary and demonstrate healthy communication and conflict resolution skills.
4. Encourage open communication: Create a safe and non-judgmental space for your child to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns. Encourage them to speak up if their boundaries are being violated and listen attentively to their concerns. Validate their feelings and reassure them that it is okay to set boundaries.
5. Teach consent: Teach your child about the importance of consent from an early age. Teach them that their body belongs to them and they have the right to say "no" to unwanted physical contact. Explain that they should always ask for consent before touching someone else.
6. Practice role-playing: Engage in role-playing activities with your child to help them practice setting boundaries in different scenarios. Encourage them to use assertive communication and teach them how to respond if their boundaries are challenged.
7. Encourage self-advocacy: Teach your child to advocate for themselves and assert their boundaries in different situations. Help them practice assertive phrases, such as "I don't like it when…" or "I need some space right now." Encourage them to express their needs and feelings respectfully.
   Teaching healthy boundaries is an ongoing process. As your child grows, their boundaries may change, and it's important to continue supporting them in understanding and asserting their limits. By teaching your child about healthy boundaries, you are equipping them with essential life skills that will contribute to their emotional well-being and confidence throughout their lives.

Building self-esteem

Building self-esteem is a crucial aspect of raising emotionally healthy and confident children. Self-esteem refers to the overall evaluation and perception that individuals have of themselves. It plays a significant role in how children navigate their lives, form relationships, and achieve their goals.
There are several strategies that parents can employ to help build their child's self-esteem:

1. Provide unconditional love and acceptance: Children need to know that they are loved and accepted for who they are, regardless of their accomplishments or failures. Show them that your love is not contingent upon their achievements, but rather, it is constant and unwavering.
2. Encourage and praise their efforts: Acknowledge and appreciate your child's efforts rather than solely focusing on the outcomes. By highlighting their hard work and determination, you are teaching them that effort is valuable and that they are capable of achieving their goals through perseverance.
3. Foster a growth mindset: Teach your child that their abilities and intelligence can be developed through effort, practice, and learning from mistakes. Encourage them to view challenges as opportunities for growth and to embrace failures as stepping stones to success.
4. Help them set realistic goals: Guide your child in setting achievable goals that align with their interests and abilities. Break down larger goals into smaller, manageable tasks, and celebrate their progress along the way. This will help them develop a sense of competence and accomplishment.
5. Encourage autonomy and decision-making: Allow your child to make decisions and take ownership of their choices. Offer guidance and support, but also provide them with opportunities to make decisions and learn from their experiences. This autonomy helps build their self-confidence and belief in their own abilities.
6. Provide opportunities for success: Create environments and activities where your child can experience success. This can be through extracurricular activities, hobbies, or academic pursuits. When children have opportunities to succeed, it boosts their self-esteem and confidence in their abilities.
7. Teach positive self-talk: Help your child develop a positive inner dialogue by encouraging them to challenge negative thoughts and replace them with positive and affirming ones. Teach them to be kind to themselves and to celebrate their strengths and achievements.
   Building self-esteem is an ongoing process that requires consistent effort and support from parents. By implementing these strategies, you can help your child develop a strong and positive sense of self, fostering emotional well-being and confidence that will serve them well throughout their lives.

Modeling appropriate behavior

As parents, one of the most powerful ways we can support our children's emotional well-being and confidence is by modeling appropriate behavior. Children learn by observing the actions and attitudes of their parents, and they look to us as role models for how to navigate the world. By consistently demonstrating healthy behaviors, we can teach our children valuable life skills and help them develop their own emotional intelligence.
One of the first steps in modeling appropriate behavior is practicing effective communication. This includes active listening, expressing emotions in a healthy way, and resolving conflicts peacefully. When children see their parents communicate respectfully and honestly, they learn how to express their own thoughts and feelings effectively. They also learn how to navigate disagreements and conflicts with empathy and understanding.
In addition to communication, it is important to model self-care. Showing our children that we prioritize our own mental and emotional well-being teaches them the importance of taking care of themselves. This can include setting boundaries, practicing stress-reduction techniques, and engaging in activities that bring us joy. By modeling self-care, we teach our children the value of self-nurturing and how to prioritize their own needs.
Another aspect of modeling appropriate behavior is demonstrating resilience in the face of challenges. Life is full of ups and downs, and our children will inevitably face setbacks and obstacles. By showing them how to handle adversity with grace and determination, we can teach them resilience and perseverance. When children see their parents navigate difficult situations with resilience, they learn that setbacks are temporary and can be overcome with determination and a positive mindset.
Furthermore, modeling empathy and kindness is crucial for promoting healthy relationships and social interactions. By treating others with respect, compassion, and understanding, we show our children the importance of empathy. When they see us demonstrating kindness towards others, they learn the value of compassion and how to build positive relationships.
In summary, modeling appropriate behavior is essential for fostering our children's emotional well-being and confidence. By practicing effective communication, demonstrating self-care, showing resilience, and modeling empathy and kindness, we can provide our children with the tools they need to navigate life's challenges and form healthy relationships. Remember, our actions speak louder than words, and by consistently modeling positive behaviors, we can positively impact our children's emotional development and set them up for a lifetime of emotional well-being and confidence.

The importance of working through your own emotional struggles

As parents, it is essential to recognize the significance of working through our own emotional struggles in order to support our children's emotional well-being and confidence. When we address our own hurts and emotional challenges, we become better equipped to model appropriate behavior and provide a nurturing environment for our children to thrive.
One of the key reasons why working through our own emotional struggles is crucial is the impact it has on our ability to regulate our own emotions. As parents, our emotions can influence the emotional climate of our homes. If we are constantly overwhelmed or unable to manage our own emotions, it becomes challenging to create a safe and stable environment for our children. By addressing our own emotional struggles, whether through therapy, self-reflection, or support networks, we can develop healthy coping mechanisms and emotional regulation skills that allow us to respond to our children's emotions in a calm and supportive manner.
Working through our own emotional struggles also helps us model appropriate behavior for our children. Children learn by observing and imitating their parents, and when they see us addressing our emotional challenges, they learn that it is okay to seek help and support when needed. By being open about our own vulnerabilities and actively working towards emotional well-being, we show our children that it is normal to experience difficulties and that it is important to prioritize our mental and emotional health.
Furthermore, when we work through our own emotional struggles, we develop greater empathy and understanding towards our children's experiences. It allows us to approach their emotions with compassion and sensitivity, rather than reacting from our own unresolved issues. This empathy creates a deeper connection with our children and fosters a sense of trust and emotional safety.
In addition, addressing our own emotional struggles can also prevent us from projecting our unresolved issues onto our children. Sometimes, our own unresolved emotions can unintentionally manifest in our parenting behaviors. By working through our own hurts, we can minimize the likelihood of repeating unhealthy patterns or inadvertently passing on emotional baggage to our children.
Overall, addressing our own emotional struggles is an important aspect of parenting. It allows us to create a supportive and emotionally healthy environment for our children, while also equipping us with the skills and awareness to model appropriate behavior. By prioritizing our own emotional well-being, we set the foundation for our children to develop their own emotional well-being and confidence, ultimately fostering a lifetime of resilience, self-esteem, and success.

Sending Love & Light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

Understanding People Pleasing

People pleasing is a behavior pattern that involves sacrificing one's own needs and desires in order to gain the approval of others. While wanting to make others happy is not inherently bad, constantly putting the needs of others above your own can have negative effects on your mental and emotional health.
At its core, people pleasing stems from a fear of rejection or a desire for acceptance. Those who struggle with people pleasing often have low self-esteem and feel that they need external validation to feel good about themselves. They may also fear that if they don't please others, they will be rejected or abandoned.
While people pleasing is often seen as a personality trait, it is actually a learned behavior. Children who are raised in homes where there is a lot of emphasis placed on pleasing others or avoiding conflict may develop people pleasing tendencies as a way to cope with their environment. Similarly, cultural norms and societal expectations can also contribute to the development of people pleasing behaviors. For example, women are often socialized to be nurturing and selfless, which can lead to a tendency to put others' needs before their own.
While people pleasing can sometimes result in positive outcomes, such as maintaining healthy relationships, it can also have serious negative consequences. People pleasers may become so focused on pleasing others that they lose touch with their own wants and needs, leading to feelings of resentment and burnout. They may also experience anxiety and depression as a result of constantly trying to meet the expectations of others.
In addition to these emotional costs, people pleasing can also hurt one's physical health. Chronic stress, which can be a result of trying to constantly please others, has been linked to a variety of health problems, including heart disease and immune system dysfunction.
So what can be done to break the cycle of people pleasing? One effective approach is eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. EMDR can help individuals identify the underlying causes of their people pleasing tendencies, such as past traumas or negative beliefs about themselves. By processing these experiences and beliefs, individuals can learn to value their own needs and desires, and to set boundaries that allow them to live more fulfilling lives.

Where Does People Pleasing Stem From?

People pleasing is a common trait that can often be found in individuals who struggle with asserting themselves and setting healthy boundaries. It’s important to recognize that this behavior stems from a variety of sources and can manifest in different ways for each individual.
For some, people pleasing may stem from a fear of rejection or abandonment. This fear may be rooted in childhood experiences, such as growing up in a household where one parent was absent or where there was a lack of emotional support and validation. Children who grow up in environments like this may have learned that the only way to receive attention and love is by pleasing others. As a result, they may carry this behavior into their adult relationships.
Cultural norms can also play a significant role in developing people pleasing tendencies. In some cultures, it is considered impolite or rude to assert oneself and speak up for their own needs. The emphasis on collectivism over individualism can also contribute to people pleasing behaviors. In these cultures, putting others’ needs before one’s own is often seen as a sign of respect and humility.
Additionally, social conditioning can lead to people pleasing. In our society, we are often told that it’s important to be agreeable and that saying “yes” is the right thing to do. We’re taught that being helpful and accommodating to others is the key to success and happiness. Unfortunately, this messaging can make it challenging to set boundaries and say “no” when necessary, as it goes against the social norms we’ve been taught.
Ultimately, people pleasing behavior can have a significant impact on one’s mental health and well-being. The constant need to please others and put their needs before your own can lead to feelings of resentment, stress, and anxiety. This behavior can also lead to unhealthy relationships, as people pleasers may attract individuals who take advantage of their desire to please.
Fortunately, there are techniques and therapies that can help individuals work through people pleasing tendencies and set healthy boundaries. One effective therapy is EMDR, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. EMDR is a therapy that focuses on processing and resolving past experiences that contribute to current emotional and behavioral patterns.
During EMDR therapy, a therapist helps individuals identify the specific events and beliefs that contribute to their people pleasing behavior. They then use eye movement or other forms of bilateral stimulation to help the individual reprocess these memories in a safe and controlled environment. Over time, this can lead to a reduction in people pleasing behaviors and an increase in self-confidence and assertiveness.
Overall, people pleasing behavior can be challenging to overcome, but it is possible.

The Role of Upbringing and Cultural Norms in Developing People Pleasing Tendencies

The development of people pleasing tendencies often has deep roots in our upbringing and cultural norms. Children who grow up in homes where there is an emphasis on obedience, conformity, and putting others' needs before their own can often become conditioned to seek validation and approval from others. Similarly, in certain cultures, there is a high value placed on the concept of harmony and avoiding conflict, which can lead to a pattern of people pleasing.
In many households, children are taught from a young age that pleasing others is more important than satisfying their own desires. For example, a child may be rewarded for cleaning their room or doing well in school, but may not receive praise for pursuing their own passions or standing up for themselves. This kind of behavior can set the stage for a lifetime of people pleasing, as the child grows up seeking validation and approval from others to feel successful.
Additionally, certain cultural norms can also reinforce the concept of people pleasing. In collectivist cultures, the importance of the group outweighs the importance of the individual, leading individuals to prioritize maintaining positive relationships with others. In these cultures, conflict is often avoided, and the emphasis is on creating a harmonious environment for everyone. As a result, individuals who grow up in these cultures may become conditioned to seek approval from others and avoid confrontation at all costs.
However, the constant need to please others can take a toll on one's mental health and well-being. The fear of rejection and disapproval can lead to anxiety, stress, and a sense of low self-worth. People pleasing can also be a drain on one's time and energy, as individuals are constantly prioritizing others' needs over their own. It can lead to burnout and leave individuals feeling resentful and unfulfilled.
Fortunately, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy can be an effective treatment for working through people pleasing tendencies. EMDR is a psychotherapy technique that focuses on processing past traumatic experiences that may be impacting one's present-day behaviors. By addressing the underlying beliefs and experiences that are contributing to the pattern of people pleasing, individuals can develop healthier coping mechanisms and learn to prioritize their own needs.

The Cost of People Pleasing

While it may seem like people pleasing is a harmless habit, it can have a serious impact on your mental health and well-being. Constantly putting the needs of others before your own can lead to feelings of burnout, resentment, and low self-esteem. In this section, we will explore some of the costs associated with people pleasing and how it can negatively impact your life.

1. Anxiety and Stress
   People pleasing often stems from a fear of rejection or a desire to be liked and accepted by others. However, constantly seeking approval and validation from others can lead to feelings of anxiety and stress. The fear of saying no or disappointing someone can result in feelings of overwhelming pressure, leading to sleepless nights and a constant feeling of being on edge.
2. Difficulty Making Decisions
   When you're a people pleaser, making decisions can become a daunting task. Constantly worrying about what others will think can lead to analysis paralysis, making it challenging to make even the most basic of decisions. This can be incredibly frustrating and lead to feelings of powerlessness and helplessness.
3. Neglecting Your Own Needs
   People pleasing often comes at the cost of neglecting your own needs. When you're constantly putting others first, it's easy to forget to prioritize your own self-care, resulting in a host of physical and mental health issues. This can include things like neglecting to exercise, skipping meals, and neglecting to set healthy boundaries.
4. Damaged Relationships
   While it may seem counterintuitive, constantly putting others first can actually damage your relationships in the long run. When you're not being true to yourself and your needs, it's impossible to build genuine, authentic connections with others. You may end up resenting those you're trying to please, leading to conflict and damaged relationships.
5. Loss of Self-Identity
   Lastly, people pleasing can result in a loss of self-identity. Constantly trying to be what others want you to be can lead to a loss of individuality and a lack of personal growth. Over time, you may forget who you are and what you stand for, leading to a deep sense of dissatisfaction and unfulfillment.
   If you recognize any of these costs in your life, it's important to take action. Seeking the help of a trained professional, such as an EMDR therapist, can help you identify and work through your people pleasing tendencies. With time, patience, and support, you can break free from this habit and rediscover your sense of self.

How EMDR Can Help You Work Through People Pleasing Tendencies

People pleasing tendencies are often deeply ingrained and can be challenging to overcome. However, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy can help you work through these tendencies and find healthier ways to interact with others.
EMDR is a type of therapy that focuses on processing past traumas and negative experiences. During an EMDR session, you'll be guided through a series of eye movements or other forms of bilateral stimulation. This process can help reduce the intensity of negative emotions associated with past experiences, allowing you to process them more effectively.
One of the ways EMDR can be helpful for people pleasers is by uncovering and addressing any underlying traumas or negative beliefs that contribute to their people pleasing behavior. For example, if you were raised in an environment where your worth was tied to your ability to please others, this belief may be at the root of your people pleasing tendencies. EMDR can help you identify these beliefs and work through them, allowing you to develop healthier patterns of behavior.
EMDR can also help people pleasers develop better boundaries and assertiveness skills. In EMDR sessions, you may work on visualizing yourself in situations where you would normally feel compelled to please others, and then practice setting boundaries and communicating your needs. Through this process, you'll learn to prioritize your own well-being while still maintaining positive relationships with others.
Finally, EMDR can help people pleasers develop greater self-compassion and self-esteem. People pleasing often stems from a lack of self-worth and a belief that our value lies in our ability to make others happy. Through EMDR, you'll learn to challenge these negative beliefs and develop a more positive sense of self. As you begin to prioritize your own needs and recognize your own inherent worth, you'll find that people pleasing becomes less of a compulsion and more of a choice. If you want to meet with someone for assistance working through this- fill out a consultation form.

Sending Love & Light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

Recovering from narcissistic abuse can be a long and difficult journey. It can be especially hard to rebuild your self-worth after an emotionally abusive relationship. Narcissistic abuse can leave deep scars, causing emotional trauma that can affect your self-esteem, world-view, and sense of self and agency. It is important to seek help from a trauma therapist who can provide guidance and support throughout the healing process. In this blog post, we will explore the effects of narcissistic abuse, provide tips for overcoming it, and offer advice on how to reclaim your self-worth.

Understanding Narcissistic Abuse From the Perspective of a Trauma Therapist

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional manipulation and control that can have devastating effects on the victim's mental and emotional well-being. It occurs when an individual with narcissistic traits uses tactics such as gaslighting, belittling, and demeaning behavior to exert power and control over their partner or loved one.

To truly understand narcissistic abuse, it is important to recognize that it is not a normal or healthy dynamic in a relationship. Unlike other types of abuse where physical violence is prevalent, narcissistic abuse is often more subtle and insidious, making it difficult for victims to recognize and address.

If you suspect you may have been a victim of narcissistic abuse, seeking the support of a trauma therapist can be incredibly beneficial. They can provide you with a safe space to explore your experiences, validate your feelings, and help you navigate the healing process.

By understanding the dynamics of narcissistic abuse, victims can begin to make sense of their experiences and the effects it has had on their self-worth and sense of self. It is crucial to remember that narcissistic abuse is not a reflection of your worth or value as a person, but rather a result of the abuser's own insecurities and need for control.

Reclaiming your self-worth after narcissistic abuse is a journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and support. By understanding the nature of narcissistic abuse and seeking professional help, you can begin the process of healing and rebuilding a healthy and loving relationship with yourself.

The Effects of Narcissistic Abuse on Self-Esteem

Narcissistic abuse can have a profound impact on a person's self-esteem. When trapped in an emotionally abusive relationship, the victim is constantly subjected to manipulation, gaslighting, and belittlement. Over time, these tactics erode their self-worth and leave them feeling powerless and inadequate.

One of the key ways in which narcissistic abuse affects self-esteem is by instilling a deep sense of shame and self-doubt. The victim may internalize the abuser's criticisms and begin to believe that they are inherently flawed or unworthy. This can lead to a constant need for validation and approval from others, as well as a persistent fear of making mistakes or being rejected.

Furthermore, narcissistic abuse often leaves the victim feeling isolated and disconnected from their own needs and desires. They may have been conditioned to prioritize the needs and wants of the abuser, neglecting their own in the process. This can result in a loss of identity and a profound sense of emptiness.

Recovering from the effects of narcissistic abuse requires a multi-faceted approach. Seeking support from a trauma therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse can be incredibly helpful. Through therapy, victims can begin to unpack the trauma, gain insight into the abusive dynamics, and rebuild their self-esteem.

Additionally, engaging in self-care practices, setting healthy boundaries, and surrounding oneself with supportive and understanding individuals can also aid in the healing process. Reclaiming self-worth after narcissistic abuse is a journey, but with time and the right resources, it is possible to regain a sense of confidence and agency.

How Narcissistic Abuse Distorts Your World-View

Narcissistic abuse has a profound impact on how survivors perceive the world around them. It distorts their world-view in insidious ways, leaving them feeling confused, invalidated, and constantly on edge. The manipulation tactics used by narcissists can create a distorted reality for their victims, causing them to question their own sanity and judgment.

One of the ways narcissistic abuse distorts a survivor's world-view is by eroding their sense of trust. After being subjected to constant gaslighting and manipulation, survivors may struggle to trust their own instincts and perceptions. They may become hyper-vigilant, constantly second-guessing themselves and their interpretations of events.

Furthermore, narcissistic abuse can leave survivors with a distorted sense of self. The constant belittling, devaluation, and invalidation can erode their self-worth and self-esteem. They may start to internalize the narcissist's negative view of them, believing that they are unworthy, inadequate, or unlovable. This distorted self-image can permeate every aspect of their lives, leading to feelings of worthlessness and despair.

Additionally, narcissistic abuse can skew a survivor's perception of relationships and love. The manipulative tactics used by narcissists can leave survivors feeling wary and distrustful of others. They may struggle to form healthy and genuine connections, always fearing that they will be taken advantage of or hurt.

It is crucial for survivors to seek support from a trauma therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse. These professionals can help survivors unpack the trauma they have experienced and reframe their world-view. Through therapy, survivors can gain insight into the tactics used by narcissists and begin to heal from the distorted reality they have been subjected to. With time, patience, and support, survivors can regain a more accurate and empowering world-view.

Rebuilding Your Sense of Self and Agency

After enduring narcissistic abuse, it is crucial to rebuild your sense of self and agency. This process can be challenging and may require the support of a trauma therapist or counselor who specializes in narcissistic abuse. They can help you navigate through the layers of manipulation and regain a solid foundation of self-worth.

One important aspect of rebuilding your sense of self is reconnecting with your own needs and desires. Narcissistic abuseoften leaves survivors feeling disconnected from their true selves, as they have been conditioned to prioritize the needs and wants of their abuser. By rediscovering your own passions and interests, you can begin to rebuild a sense of identity that is independent from the abuse.

Furthermore, it is essential to surround yourself with a supportive network of friends and loved ones who validate your experiences and provide a safe space for healing. Connecting with others who have experienced narcissistic abuse can also be empowering, as it allows you to share your story and gain insights from those who truly understand.

Reclaiming your agency involves setting boundaries and prioritizing your own well-being. This may require learning to say no, asserting your needs, and practicing self-care. Engaging in activities that make you feel confident and empowered can also contribute to rebuilding your sense of agency.

Remember, healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey, and it takes time and patience. By seeking professional help, reconnecting with yourself, and cultivating a supportive community, you can reclaim your sense of self-worth and live a fulfilling life free from the grip of narcissistic abuse.

Trauma Therapist Tips for Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is a journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and a commitment to healing. Here are some essential tips to help you overcome the effects of narcissistic abuse and reclaim your self-worth:

1. Educate Yourself: Learn about narcissistic abuse and its tactics. Understanding the dynamics of the relationship will help you gain clarity and perspective on the abuse you experienced.

2. Seek Support: Reach out to a trusted support system that believes and validates your experiences. Surrounding yourself with empathetic and understanding individuals will help you rebuild your self-esteem and challenge any self-blame or doubt.

3. Set Boundaries: Establishing and enforcing healthy boundaries is crucial in recovering from narcissistic abuse. Learn to recognize red flags and protect yourself from further harm.

4. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that promote healing and self-love. Engage in activities that bring you joy, whether it's journaling, painting, exercising, or meditating. Remember, self-care is not selfish but a necessary step in your healing journey.

5. Consider Therapy: Working with a trauma therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse can provide invaluable guidance and support. They can help you process the trauma, heal emotional wounds, and develop healthier relationship patterns.

6. Find Resources: If you are still in an abusive situation, reach out to local domestic violence organizations or helplines for support and resources. If you live on Long Island VIBS is a great resource for anyone in a domestic violence situation and they are entirely free! They can provide you with safety plans and information on legal options.

Remember, overcoming narcissistic abuse takes time and patience. Be gentle with yourself and celebrate even the smallest victories along the way. You deserve to heal and reclaim your self-worth.

Sending Love & Light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

At the start of any romantic relationship, everything is fresh, new, and exciting. We tend to idealize the person we are dating, feeling that they can do no wrong and would never do anything to hurt us, ever! Sound familiar? It’s because these feelings get the best of us and many times, these idealized traits can very well be true (with hints of reality that we won't always agree and/or be “lovey-dovey” 24/7). However, sometimes we may start to notice that we have polar opposite experiences in our relationship, depending on the day…never knowing what’s to come. We have some days where we are honeymooning followed by days of emotional turmoil. When we start seeing this pattern continue over time in the relationship, it's time to start thinking about whether we may be dealing with a partner who is emotionally manipulating you, whether they even realize what they’re doing or not.

Of course, it can be very difficult to tell if you have a manipulative partner and even more difficult to admit this to ourselves once we see all the clear signs that this could be true. Oftentimes, we may see that our partners are incredibly loving, affectionate, and make us feel like we are the most important thing on this planet. It's a wonderful feeling, something to be cherished, and oftentimes we become addicted to the feelings of elation that come with this affection from our partner. Then, maybe there's some kind of disagreement where we are then ignored, avoided, and made to feel that we are a burden. Often, we are made to feel that we are in the wrong, confused, or not paying enough attention. The constant cycle of honeymoon phases followed by conflicts, anger and confusion makes it difficult to know whether we are genuinely in the wrong or if we are being manipulated.

How can you tell if your partner is being manipulative?

There are many signs of manipulation that one can show if we know what to look for in our interactions with not just our romantic partners, but anyone in our lives. Here, we will go over just a few of the big manipulating skills that we often see in romantic relationships that maybe you’ve noticed too. 

First, there’s gaslighting. Do you ever notice that you become more confused and feel like you're losing your mind in your relationship? Your partner may make you doubt yourself constantly and that you are always in the wrong. An example may be that your version of events often differs from theirs and they make you believe that you are confused or maybe even accuse you of lying and/or being manipulative.

Another tactic is called stonewalling.  When your partner and yourself have a disagreement,  do you find that you are then being ignored and avoided for several hours, maybe even a day or two? This is called stonewalling and manipulators use this tactic to make you feel emotionally isolated, it's all your fault, and that you are the problem.

Also, you may notice that there are ever changing and unclear boundaries in your relationship. Manipulators will often change the rules and flip the script on you to fit their own agenda. They are flexible in the way they represent themselves to you and others around them to ultimately get what they want from whoever they can, which would mean manipulating a lot of people throughout their lives.

Do you notice that you are always painted to be the monster while your partner is the victim to your constant wrongdoings? Maybe your partner is always saying that they are being wronged somehow without having any willingness to look at their own behaviors. Maybe they are unwilling to reflect on how their actions may impact your relationship.  They want sympathy and the best way to get it is to make you feel bad and that this is all your fault. An example may be that your partner tells you that they are drinking excessively because of the stress you bring them.

Maybe you have also noticed that there are elements of blaming language and sarcasm interwoven into your regular interactions with your partner, whether they are positive, negative, or neutral conversations. When manipulative partners use sarcasm and/or blaming language, they may downplay your problems, feelings, and make you feel like you are just being dramatic and/or overreacting. They may even make a joke of the issues and your feelings. Infuriating, right? 

What to do once I see the signs of manipulation:

If you determine that your partner is manipulating you, it is essential to first develop and solidify strong boundaries for yourself. Talk with your partner about some of the behaviors you notice from them in a calm and neutral manner. Do not use blaming language and avoid any angry tones or raising your voice. Knowing what your own values and expectations are in your relationship will help you hold boundaries and immediately address any manipulative behavior as they happen.

When one partner notices emotional manipulation, they are hurt but still in love and often will look into anything they can to remedy the relationship. They may ask, would couples counseling help? Well, it could potentially help, but not always. A couples counselor could help to highlight behaviors from both parties in a relationship that may be maladaptive and contributing to emotional tensions and conflicts. Afterwards, they would likely discuss conflict resolution skills to promote transparency and constant constructive communication between both parties. Sometimes if the manipulative partner is not willing to acknowledge their behaviors and how they impact the relationship,  individual counseling may be recommended.  However, manipulators are not always willing to make change because their manipulating ways work to their benefit, so why change? Often in these circumstances, couples counseling could be beneficial in that the ever-rising conflicts are highlighted so that the manipulated partner may gain additional insight and strength to leave this toxic relationship.

If you feel you are in a relationship with a partner who is emotionally manipulating you, talking to someone about what's going on, whether it be a therapist or trusted loved one, this can help you have additional objective insight into what is happening so you can make the best choice regarding next steps for your own wellness and what next steps you’d like  to take in your romantic relationship. Much easier said than done, but you can do it. You have the strength, wisdom, and resilience. You’ve got this. 

- Jackie Martinez, LMSW (NY), LCSW (NC)

The word trauma is used in many different contexts, and it has recently been more of a topic of conversation in recent years. When people think of trauma, the typical images that may run through their heads are of war veterans, sexual abuse survivors, or even other kinds of abuse experienced. However, I believe that the population of caregivers as well as loved ones of those who are battling a deadly disease or severe medical conditions experience a trauma that does not get noticed enough. This is what can be termed secondary trauma, when one learns about the traumatic experiences of a loved one. Try painting this picture in your head: sitting in a hospital room beside the hospital bed for days in and days out with no end in sight, having not much to do other than observe your loved one in pain while they are in the hospital or at home, as well as even possibly having to dedicate all your time to care for your loved one.

Unfortunately, my family recently experienced a significant loss. My stepbrother, who was battling cancer since November of 2015, had passed away on Christmas Day. His battle with cancer is one that will never be forgotten by those who surrounded him. My stepmom and dad were his caregivers throughout the whole process. As a mental health counselor, I was keen on observing the impacts his battle with cancer had on them. For the sake of their privacy I won’t divulge, however the countless sleepless nights as well as hospital visits speak for themselves.

What are grief disorders?

Our reactions to bereavement vary from person to person, everyone has their own way in which they react to the loss of a loved one. Grief disorders come into play when an individual is experiencing prolonged as well as complex grief symptoms, these symptoms are typically more challenging for the individual to live with as well as may cause significant impairments to your normal functioning. 

Some symptoms that are consistent with complex grief are: excessive irritability, consistent insomnia or sleep difficulties, intrusive thoughts about the loss, feelings of futility, as well as having a strong sense of responsibility for the loss. These are just a few of the symptoms that correlate with complex grief; it should be noted that if you are experiencing these symptoms and if they are lasting more than two months after the loss, it can be a signal of a prolonged grief disorder. 

The Impact

It can go without saying that in these kinds of circumstances, we have someone who is ill and may be getting traumatized in the process as well as a caregiver or family member watching all of this play out in front of them, can have a significant impact on how we are perceiving this kind of trauma. I believe that this statement describes the experience of caregivers and loved ones during this time, “for some caregivers and loved ones, watching the death of someone close to them, while making no attempt to stop it, can be excruciating and lead to shock and extreme emotional distress,” (GoodTherapy). 

Intrusive thoughts are common when talking about mental health and discussing our emotions. Intrusive thoughts are simply thoughts that enter the mind unwillingly that cause some sense of discomfort, or they can be images or impulsive urges that pass through your mind. In a situation like this, it is common for people to have constant intrusive thoughts about the person who has passed. Those who have a history of addictive behaviors may resort back to old unhealthy habits, and it's even possible for one to develop a fear that is related to the loss in some way (i.e. if the death was caused by a car crash, a fear of driving may develop). 

Why is it so complicated?

The history of it all. It’s true, the history that one has with the one who has passed can impact the way that they experience grief. Whether that history is traumatic, joyful, distressful, or filled with unforgettable memories, each has a unique way of causing a domino effect. For example, if the one you have lost was a significant factor in your trauma history it may be difficult for you to wrap your head around how to grieve this individual. Feelings of confusion, conflicting emotions, feeling alone in the grief, as well as feeling guilty for holding negative feelings/thoughts towards who has passed. We see you, and it’s okay to be going through all of these emotions and barriers.

Ultimately, it is up to you to decide how you want to experience grief and how you would like to progress on the path of healing, if needed. Your family may have their own words and ways of going about the loss, but this is not something that needs to be conformed to or feel as though you should be matching the level of emotions of your family members. No. It is your journey. It is your life to drive forward. It is your time to take care of yourself, and if you start questioning the reality of you being able to take care of yourself or if you have hesitations about doing so; just remember how much you have cared for your loved one and pull that energy inwards and direct it towards you.

Grief and loss is unfortunately something that we all come to know all too well. Even with that, it still feels like getting hit with a ton of bricks whenever it happens. Throughout our lives, we make connections, friendships, relationships with people that are not forgotten. It is important not to remember your loved one as they were during their last struggling moments, but to remember them by how they were around you.

- Conor Ohland, MHC-LP

Ah, the new year. We all think it – “new year, new me!”. We can be so eager to identify one or more resolutions. We always say, “this year is going to be different,” and we start off with a strong motivation until that dreaded crash about three weeks into January.

Some of the most popular resolutions include: exercising more, losing weight, getting organized, living life to the fullest or feeling happy, mastering a new hobby, budgeting, quitting smoking, traveling more, and spending more time with friends and family. While these are all admirable goals in and of themselves, the problem is that they are broad, vague, and unrealistic. For instance, exactly how does one plan to lose weight? Is it realistic to commit to going to the gym every day while having a strict low-carb diet? No. How does someone plan to budget? Does this mean paying for only necessities, and if so, what defines a necessity? Is it fair to say no to a night out with friends because that could break the goal?

The most important factor in making and keeping a resolution is to be realistic, balanced, and fair. No, someone will not lose three dress sizes in one month. No, they will not go to the gym every day. Yes, they will give in to temptation -- they will eat that Boston cream donut in the break room at work. Yes, they will end up buying something “on impulse” simply because they want it.

Now let’s change the “they” in the above paragraphs to “I.” Go back and read the paragraphs again. Reflect on what these sentences mean to you, if anything, when in the first-person.

Do they sound realistic, balanced, and fair? No.

In other words… Be nice to yourself. You are not a failure for a slip-up. You’re human, with your ups and downs, just like everyone else. Imperfection is okay. No one – absolutely no one – is motivated 100% of the time. Even Olympians struggle to maintain motivation. If you'd like additional resources of New Years Resolutions, click here.

Motivation Operates in Cycles

It is normal to experience the highs and lows of motivation. Instead of thinking, “why can’t I be motivated all of the time?” consider that some motivation is far better than none. That episode of motivation, no matter how fleeting it may seem, can still help you achieve your goals. Embrace it.

I used to struggle with not being able to uphold my motivation for long periods. I became frustrated at myself when I was doing something unproductive. Then I realized that the “something unproductive” was the very thing I needed to do to help recharge my emotional battery – to get me to feel inspired to get back on track with my goal.

Motivation operates in cycles, designed with peaks and troughs. It is not linear. Once you can begin to picture those highs and lows of motivation, moving away from the mentality that it is a straight-line to success, you work toward achievement of your goal (or you can at least readjust the goal to be a realistic one!).

The Phases of Motivation

The New Year before my wedding in October, much like so many other brides, I made it one of my resolutions to look a certain way for my wedding. I was determined to lose some of that weight I gained from too many snacks during all-nighters writing papers in graduate school.

I wanted to be reasonable with myself. I knew there was no way I was going to fit into a certain dress size, but I did know I could at least buy a dress in my real size and get it brought in if I lost weight. So, I did that.

I also downloaded Noom, a weight loss app with skills from cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). Daily, Noom drops short tips and suggestions to aid someone as they work toward weight loss. Early in the program, they introduced me to the Motivation Model, which changed my mindset. I began to be much more patient, loving, and kindhearted toward myself, addressing those nagging negative beliefs that were chewing away at me.

Let us use an example. Say you want to save 10% of your paycheck going forward. This is an illustration of what your motivation will look like throughout the journey:

As you can see, the Motivation Model has peaks and troughs; it is not straight nor linear.

The following names of each phase come from the model by Noom. However, keep in mind it applies to all reasons for motivation, not only weight loss. It is a universal model, and I am certain there are other products that have the same model but simply with different names.

Phase 1: The Hype

This is the most exciting phase. This is the phase where you think, “I got this! I am going to achieve these resolutions!” and jump in with a complete, undeniable motivation. This is where you can feel caught in the momentum, determined that their first time saving 10% of your paycheck will be the norm going forward.

This is where you will experience the honeymoon – when motivation is at its most extreme. This is when we have that unstoppable, almost grandiose sense of motivation. We are in a blissful ignorance. We think we need to feel that motivated all the time.

Phase 2: The Plummet

This is the painful, dreaded crash that happens after the honeymoon. This is the part of the cycle where people have a bump in the road, thinking they are a failure, and may fall into an old habit. This is the part where we feel extremely judgmental toward ourselves, thinking we will never be able to get back on track with our resolutions.

This is the part where you did not save 10% of your paycheck. You had a draining day. The boss was hard on you, you got in an argument with your spouse, your child had a temper tantrum. To cope, you went online-shopping and bought some things you wanted but did not need.

You may think the following:
“This sucks. This is way harder than I thought it’d be.”
“Maybe I can’t do this.”

This is all normal! This is okay! It is all part of the journey. Simply acknowledge you had a slip up and continue along.

Trough 1: The Lapse

This is the most difficult part. This is where you will feel at your lowest in your progress with your resolutions. This is where you are most likely to give up, state you will never get better, give in to those negative core beliefs, and just go back to how you used to be.

“This is way harder than I thought it’d be” degenerates into “this is impossible.”
“Maybe I can’t do this” becomes “I won’t do this. I give up.”

This is the time when clients tell their therapists they have given up on their resolutions and goals. They are convinced things cannot get better.

But this phase can and will pass. Just believe in yourself!

To get through this phase, do something. Do something that will help you feel one step closer to your resolutions and goals, even if it is very minimal. If this feels like too much, use a visualization meditation to imagine you have achieved your goal. Visualization can be a powerful psychological trick to boost confidence.

Also, have some gratitude for The Lapse. Sure, it does not feel good being there, but it is not a crisis. It is an opportunity to be introspective, to dive into yourself to figure out what is effective for you when you are not doing well, so you can prepare to do better in the future. It is the time for wisdom.

It gets better.

Phase 3: The Slips and Surges

Phase 3 is the steadier phase, where going at a rabbit’s pace slows down to that of a turtle. You know the saying, “slow and steady wins the race.” In this phase, the highs and lows are easier to tackle. The highs are no longer mountainous like the honeymoon, and the lows are no longer like a great ravine. You will still feel those highs and lows, and yes, they are permanent. But that is exactly to be expected. It is normal.

You will have some days that are better than others. Perhaps one day, your boss says you did an amazing job leading the team project. Maybe that ongoing argument with your spouse is turning more so into manageable disagreements. Maybe your child is learning to use coping skills rather than have meltdowns.

There will be the bad days too, of course. You’re late for work because you got a flat tire – and it is the same day as an important business meeting. Maybe you get a phone call from your child’s teacher because he is having problems in math. Perhaps after weeks of you and your spouse working hard on effective communication, an argument happens again.

This is how motivation operates. It reflects the highs and lows of life – all the good and the bad, the celebrations and the tribulations, the gains and losses.

Once you accept that the slips and surges will happen, you can be mindful. You can think to yourself:

“Today I really will only spend my money on what I need.”
“Honestly, today really was a hard day. It’s okay if I indulge a little bit. But tomorrow I will be back on track.”

And it will also allow you to be more freeing and forgiving toward yourself… “You know, it really is okay if I go out with my friends on Fridays. It’s not going to ruin my goal if I let myself have some fun. If anything, it will probably motivate me to continue my journey.”

Summary

1. Our motivation operates in cycles. We will have highs and lows.
2. Be fair to yourself. Be mindful; reflect on what you can learn during the highs and lows. Know they will all pass.
3. When in a low, do one small thing rather than nothing at all.

- Valerie Smith, LMSW, CFTG