Many of my clients have difficulty living the life they want and need to feel truly happy. They struggle with expectations placed on them by others, feelings of guilt if they put themselves first and most days feel like they cannot catch their breathe. Trauma therapy, like EMDR for example, can help you to end old patterns and put yourself first. Self-care isn't selfish- I know it's a clique but it is true. You need to take care of you to be your best self for your family, friends and career. If this is speaking to you, strap in- I have some Pro-tips for you.
1. Evaluate Your Values
What is most important to you? List 3 things. Could be family, honesty, integrity, compassion, trust etc. Then you need to start seeing if your actions actually align with your values. Those that do keep at them- those that don't make an effort to change them. For example, if you choose "family, compassion and health" and you are offered an additional work shift. Is taking this shift detracting from your family time? Do you need a mental health break or day off to take care of you? If so say no. If it's to help a colleague who is going through a rough time and you feel you have enough time on another day to take care of you and spend time with family and you want to honor that "compassion" value you can also say yes. Seeing how our actions are in align with our values helps us to begin living a life that makes us happy- not a life that is spent trying to appease or please others.
2. Set Some Boundaries
In set with setting those values is setting up some boundaries with those around us. When we have no boundaries- meaning we having difficulty saying no or often do things out of pleasing others even if it's not what we want- we continue to feel exhausted, unhappy and overwhelmed. Boundaries despite what childhood may have taught you are actually healthy.
Saying "No I'm sorry I can't go out tonight", "No I won't be able to take on that extra project with my current workload as it stands" or "I would appreciate if you refrained from "xyz" in front of my children" is the first step to reducing our triggers, reducing your stress load and giving yourself the time to focus on you and do what makes YOU happy.
3. Let Go of the Guilt
Often times my clients struggle with boundaries because of the guilt they feel in saying no to others. They feel responsible to take on the problems of those around them. They are accustom to the role of "fixer". Those around them, often family members but sometimes even colleagues or bosses sometimes push back on boundaries set and plead or ridicule them if they don't get what they want. I'm not going to say setting boundaries is an easy task when you are accustom to saying "yes" to everything because your role has always been to put others before you. But I will say the more you stick to your boundaries, the less others push back over time. It helps to see if keeping those boundaries is in alignment with your values or the type of person you are aspiring to be. Simple answer might look like "yes, I value helping others." With a closer look though it's easy to see it is hard to be our best self for others when you are running on empty.
As I often tell my trauma therapy clients, and as they say on the air plane "put your mask on first" before you help those around you. It also helps to make a list of the short term positive gain of letting others violate your boundary and the long term consequences. For example, lets say you have difficulty saying no at work and are constantly taking on additional tasks asked of you.
| Short Term Positive of Not Holding My Boundary | Long Term Consequences of Not Holding My Boundary |
| -Don't feel guilty | -I am overwhelmed and burning out |
| -My boss is happy | -It's hard to complete additional work assigned in my work hours so I am constantly bringing work home |
| -I get positive praise | -I am working so hard that when I am done I have no energy to engage meaningfully with my husband and kids |
| -I feel taken advantage of and under appreciated | |
| -My workload will never decrease if I do not voice concern with the disproportionate work I get in comparison to colleagues |
After making this list you may decide to have a conversation with your boss and say "I would love to be able to help with that project but I already have 3 other projects I am currently working on. I will need to finish those first before I can take on any more. It's important to me that the quality of my work meets the standard and I am afraid I won't be able to complete all projects to our client's expectations." Starting an honest dialogue can help you feel more in control and will likely make you a better employee. Same with friends and family, when you are happier and more relaxed you can be your best self for your spouse, children, parents and friends. If this seems daunting, trauma therapy can surely help you work through your fears and doubts.
Need Help?
If this sounds daunting, you may need some extra support in navigating beginning to set boundaries and taking back control of your life. This is really common with clients who have trauma, are children of alcoholics, were parentified children (children that functioned more as parents), and those with low self-esteem and attachment difficulties (as they often fear boundaries will push others away). Trauma therapy can help! Just like my clients you can take back your life, begin to feel in control, less overwhelmed, more peaceful and joyful. You deserve happiness too. If you need the extra support in getting there give our office a call.
Sending love & light,
Flashbacks are our brain’s way of processing traumatic events that we’ve experienced. Our subconscious taps into those important memories but they are not contained- meaning they tend to spill out everything related to the traumatic event. For many individuals, this experience can be just as terrifying as the initial event, and result in panic or anxiety.
Flashbacks usually happen without warning. Most result from a “triggering” that occurs by an external experience. Triggers are typically sensory-based experiences that manifest via smells, sounds, tastes, textures that remind the person of the traumatic event. The sound of fireworks or a car backfiring can remind a soldier of gunfire. I once had a patient who would have flashbacks around flower shops, as the overwhelming smell of flowers would bring him back to his sister’s funeral.
Living with flashbacks is very difficult, but with practice there are some ways you can work through these disturbing events:
1. Remember
Remind yourself that you are in a safe place and having a flashback. Use that self-talk and tell yourself, as many times as necessary, that these are only memories until you can feel yourself begin to calm.
2. Empower Yourself
Sometimes using your five senses can help you to be in the present moment. If one sense is causing the flashback use your other senses to place yourself in the actual current environment. The tactile experience of stamping your feet on the ground can remind yourself that you are free to get away from any situation that has become uncomfortable for you. See more here on mindfulness tips.
3. Breathe
Fear and panic causes our breathing to become shallow and erratic. Shallow our erratic breathing exacerbates the stress we feel in that moment because our body is literally panicking from a lack of oxygen. In these fearful moments, when we slow our breathing and take deeper and deeper breaths, we actually signal to our brain and body that everything is okay. One of my favorite breathing tricks is to trace one hand with the opposite. When you go up a finger breathe in, then breathe out as you trace back to the palm of you hand. Repeat till you are calm and your breathing is regular. A meditation app such as Insight Timer can be very helpful too.
4. Honor the Experience
Going through trauma alone is not really advisable. I understand there may be feelings of shame, guilt, fear that are preventing you from feeling comfortable opening up. However, it is important for you to have supports.
It’s important that you let loved ones know about your to help you through this process. Opening up to trusted loved ones can allow for them to help you work through flashbacks and process what has happened. You may also want to open up to a mental health professional to gain a deeper understanding of what is happening to you, how to cope with flashbacks and triggers and work through those difficult memories and emotions.
Stay Shining,
Are you familiar with that that voice that is just below the surface, undermining your accomplishments, diminishing your strengths, and playing off your deepest insecurities and fears? This voice may follow you to work, accompany you to social gatherings, be by your side when attempting to accomplish your daily responsibilities, and whispering in your ear when you spend time with loved ones. What is this disapproving voice that sounds so much like our own, judging and demeaning us at every turn? It's your inner critic.
This voice is commonly known in psychology as the “inner critic.” Freud called it the “superego,” scientists call it “survivor brain,” and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy refers to it as “automatic negative thoughts.” Whatever you call it, much of this internal dialogue arises from messages that were given to us starting in childhood by family, teachers, friends, and society. Over time, due to our own insecurities, challenges, and negative life experiences, this voice gets louder, stronger, and more persuasive. It becomes harder and harder to identify what is reality, and what is the inner critic attempting to sabotage our emotional wellbeing.
This sounds grim, but there is good news. You don’t have to believe everything you think. Let me say that again-YOU DON’T HAVE TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK. Humans have an average of 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts a day, 80% of which are negative. This negativity over time can lead to sadness, helplessness, agitation, fear, worry, and hopelessness. They say, “Change your thoughts, change your life.” But how do we do that, especially when this inner critic has become so strong and powerful over time?
The simple answer? It’s a process. It will take mindfulness, vigilance, and consistency to change the pervasive negative thought patterns of the inner critic. However, the inner peace, freedom, confidence, and happiness that result from doing so are beyond measure. Here are some tools to get you started on gaining freedom from your inner critic:
1. Peacefully Observe Your Inner Critic
Oftentimes when we encounter something negative, or tendency is to try to suppress, avoid, fix, manage or control it. However, when it comes to negative thoughts, doing so often results in temporary relief, and the negative thoughts often resurface with a vengeance soon after. It can be helpful to think of your inner critic as a child throwing a temper tantrum. Let your inner critic know that you hear it, but do not give it more power than it deserves by engaging with it. Find a mantra that feels right to you, conveying the message, “Ok inner critic, I hear what you are saying, but I do not wish to listen or believe that.” Remind yourself that your thoughts are just words in your head, they are not facts. It is up to you to decide how much power you wish to give these words.
2. Investigate Your Inner Critic
The inner critic often exaggerates the negative in an attempted to keep you trapped in fear and hopelessness. Take some time to investigate what the inner critic is saying. For example, “You are a horrible parent.” Ask yourself, “Are my children alive? Are they fed/clothed/bathed? Am I doing the best I can?” Chances are, your inner critic is lying to you, taking one negative event combined with your own insecurities and stating the worst. Try asking yourself some general investigative questions, such as “Is this thought helpful? Is this thought true? What might my family and friends say about this thought? Am I blaming myself unnecessarily? What does the evidence in my life say about this thought?” This will help to expose the inner critic for what it really is-an irrational, illogical, and deceptive bully.
3. Meditate
Regular meditation practice allows you to become painfully aware of the endless chatter of the mind. As stated earlier, 80% of our thoughts are negative. Regular meditation practice will help you to gain experience in becoming mindful of your thoughts, detaching emotionally from these thoughts, and gaining the ability to pick and choose which thoughts you wish to engage with. Meditation is counterintuitive, so start small and keep your expectations low. The goal of meditation is not to be absent of thoughts. It is meant to help you gain clarity in how the mind works, and to avoid getting swept up and emotionally invested with your thoughts.
4. Practice Self-Care
Sometimes it can be beneficial to “act as if” we love ourselves, and our thoughts will catch up with our actions over time. The inner critic is often developed through receiving messages that you are not good enough and don’t matter. By engaging in regular self-care activities, you are sending another more truthful message to your inner critic-that you are worthy of love and respect. Self-care comes in a variety of forms, such as setting limits with others, having realistic expectations, repeating positive affirmations, journaling, exercise, eating healthy, drinking water, getting a massage, reaching out for help, dancing, singing, and resting. Find out what gives you that warm and fuzzy feeling and run with it. Send the message to your inner critic that you are not believing it’s lies anymore by treating yourself with kindness and compassion.
Battling your inner critic is not an easy task, but it is worth the fight. Remember, despite your past, challenges, and struggles, you deserve happiness. Don’t let anyone or anything tell you otherwise.
– Alexandria (Alex) Fairchild, LCSW
Panic attacks can be a debilitating and frightening experience for those who suffer from them. For individuals with PTSD, panic attacks can be even more intense and overwhelming. Not only do they experience the intense physical and emotional symptoms of a panic attack, but they also must navigate the triggering memories and emotions associated with their trauma. In the midst of a panic attack, negative self-talk can easily take over, reinforcing feelings of fear and helplessness. However, through the use of EMDR therapy, individuals can learn to break the cycle of negative self-talk during panic attacks and find relief from the symptoms of PTSD.
Understanding Your "I Am": The Power of Internal Dialogue
Our internal dialogue, or "I Am," is a powerful force that shapes our thoughts, emotions, and actions. It's the ongoing conversation we have with ourselves, and it can either lift us up or bring us down. For individuals with panic attacks and PTSD, this internal dialogue can be especially influential in determining their overall well-being.
When we have negative self-talk during panic attacks, it reinforces our fears and amplifies our sense of helplessness. We might tell ourselves, "I can't handle this," or "I'm going to lose control." These thoughts not only intensify the physical and emotional symptoms of a panic attack but also trigger the traumatic memories associated with PTSD.
Understanding the power of our "I Am" is the first step in breaking the cycle of negative self-talk. By recognizing and challenging these negative thoughts, we can begin to shift our internal dialogue towards more positive and empowering statements. Instead of saying, "I can't handle this," we can replace it with, "I am strong and capable of overcoming this challenge."
Changing our internal dialogue takes practice and patience, but it can be a transformative process. It's important to remember that our thoughts are not facts, and we have the power to reframe them. By cultivating a more positive "I Am," individuals with panic attacks and PTSD can find relief from their symptoms and regain a sense of control over their lives.
In the next section, we will explore how negative self-talk fuels panic attacks and dive deeper into the techniques to shift our "I Am" and overcome this destructive cycle. Stay tuned!
How Negative Self-Talk Fuels Panic Attacks
Negative self-talk plays a significant role in fueling panic attacks and exacerbating the symptoms of PTSD. When we experience a panic attack, our thoughts often become distorted and negative, reinforcing our fears and intensifying our anxiety. We may tell ourselves, "I can't handle this," or "I'm going to lose control," which only amplifies the physical and emotional sensations of the panic attack.
Negative self-talk also triggers the traumatic memories associated with PTSD, further intensifying the distress and anxiety experienced during a panic attack. These memories can create a vicious cycle of negative thoughts, leading to a heightened sense of fear and helplessness.
Additionally, negative self-talk reinforces the belief that we are incapable of coping with anxiety and that something terrible is bound to happen. This self-defeating mindset further perpetuates the panic attack cycle and prevents individuals from seeking help or utilizing effective coping mechanisms.
Understanding how negative self-talk fuels panic attacks is essential in breaking this destructive cycle. By recognizing and challenging these negative thoughts, we can begin to shift our internal dialogue towards more positive and realistic statements. This shift in thinking helps to decrease anxiety symptoms and regain a sense of control over our thoughts and emotions.
In the next section, we will explore specific techniques that can help shift our internal dialogue and overcome negative self-talk during panic attacks. By implementing these strategies, individuals with panic attacks and PTSD can find relief and reclaim their lives from the grip of anxiety.
Techniques to Shift Your "I Am" and Overcome Negative Self-Talk
Negative self-talk can be a deeply ingrained habit, especially for individuals with panic attacks and PTSD. However, some techniques can help shift our internal dialogue and overcome this destructive cycle.
One powerful technique is reframing. Reframing involves consciously challenging and replacing negative thoughts with positive and empowering ones. For example, if you find yourself thinking, "I can't handle this," remind yourself, "I am strong and resilient. I have overcome challenges before, and I can do it again." By consistently practicing reframing, you can gradually rewire your brain to default to more positive thoughts during panic attacks.
Another technique is mindfulness. Mindfulness involves observing your thoughts without judgment and bringing your attention to the present moment. During a panic attack, try focusing on your breath or grounding yourself in your physical surroundings. This can help interrupt the cycle of negative self-talk and bring you back to the present, where you have more control over your thoughts and emotions.
Seeking support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and anxiety can also be immensely helpful. They can provide guidance, validation, and tools tailored to your specific needs. Consider looking for keywords like "PTSD therapy near me" or "counseling for cops/veterans with PTSD" to find professionals experienced in working with trauma.
Remember, overcoming negative self-talk takes time and practice. Be patient and kind to yourself as you navigate this journey towards healing. You deserve to feel empowered and in control of your thoughts and emotions, even during panic attacks.
Role of EMDR Therapy in Breaking the Cycle of Negative Thoughts
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy is a highly effective treatment for breaking the cycle of negative thoughts and finding relief from the symptoms of PTSD. This therapeutic approach focuses on processing traumatic memories and helping individuals reframe their internal dialogue.
During EMDR therapy, a trained therapist guides individuals through a series of eye movements or other bilateral stimulation techniques while they recall their traumatic experiences. This process helps activate the brain's natural healing mechanisms and allows for the reprocessing of the traumatic memories. As a result, individuals can gain new insights, release negative emotions, and develop more adaptive beliefs about themselves and their experiences.
One of the key benefits of EMDR therapy is that it specifically targets the negative self-talk that fuels panic attacks and exacerbates PTSD symptoms. By reprocessing traumatic memories and challenging negative beliefs, individuals can create new neural pathways and replace negative self-talk with positive and empowering thoughts.
Furthermore, EMDR therapy helps individuals regain a sense of control over their thoughts and emotions. It provides a safe space for exploring and releasing the distressing emotions and memories associated with PTSD. Through the process of EMDR therapy, individuals can develop a stronger sense of self and gain the tools necessary to overcome negative self-talk during panic attacks.
If you're feeling stuck in the cycle of negative self-talk and struggling with panic attacks or PTSD symptoms, EMDR therapy can be a transformative treatment option. It can provide the support and guidance needed to heal childhood trauma, overcome anxiety disorders, and find relief from depression. By breaking the cycle of negative thoughts, individuals can reclaim their lives and experience a greater sense of peace and well-being.
Practical Steps for Incorporating Positive Self-talk into Your Life
Incorporating positive self-talk into your life can be a powerful tool in breaking the cycle of negative thoughts and finding relief from panic attacks and the symptoms of PTSD. Here are some practical steps you can take to cultivate a more positive internal dialogue:
1. Start with self-awareness: Pay attention to your thoughts and become aware of the negative self-talk patterns that arise during panic attacks or moments of distress. Recognize the impact these thoughts have on your emotions and overall well-being.
2. Challenge negative thoughts: When negative thoughts arise, challenge them with evidence-based reasoning. Ask yourself if there is concrete evidence to support these negative beliefs or if they are based on fear and distorted thinking. Replace them with positive and empowering statements that reflect reality.
3. Practice affirmations: Affirmations are positive statements that you can repeat to yourself regularly to counteract negative self-talk. Choose affirmations that resonate with you, such as "I am strong and capable," or "I am deserving of love and happiness." Repeat them daily and whenever negative thoughts arise.
4. Surround yourself with support: Seek out a support system of trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can help reinforce positive self-talk and provide validation and encouragement during difficult times.
5. Practice self-care: Engage in activities that promote self-care and self-compassion. This could include regular exercise, meditation, journaling, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy. Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being can help foster a more positive internal dialogue.
Remember, incorporating positive self-talk takes time and practice. Be patient and kind to yourself as you work towards changing your internal dialogue. With consistency and dedication, you can break the cycle of negative self-talk and find relief from anxiety attacks, trauma, and depression.
Unfortunately, being a survivor of trauma or abuse is exceedingly common. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, one in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18 years old. Additionally, they also found that one in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives.
Being a survivor of abuse can be challenging, thankfully with some self-care in place you can begin your healing journey to a healthier you. That journey from feeling scared, afraid, angry and/or alone to a place of peace and acceptance can be an empowering one. Regardless of whether your trauma was recent or happened years ago, a daily self-care regimen will help you cope with the trauma that still affects you today.
1. Quality Sleep
An essential component of maintaining optimum physical, mental, and emotional health is ensuring you get adequate sleep each night. According to The Sleep Foundation, “while sleep issues after a traumatic experience can be distressing, they may also be an important opportunity for treating and healing from trauma.
Research suggests that being able to sleep after a traumatic event can reduce intrusive trauma-related memories and make them less distressing.” In fact, Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy works a lot like REM sleep with assisting the brain to process traumatic events. Additionally, getting adequate sleep helps to improve memory, increase positive mood and decrease stress.
2. Meditate
Meditating for just five to ten minutes can have some really positive benefits including: boosting immune response, regulating stress levels, increasing focus and elevating mood. Headspace (the App) now has a program on Netflix that not only guides you through meditations but also explains why and how a particular exercise can help you. I’ve also always been a big fan of the App Insight Timer. I find guided meditations are often easier for people to start off with and you can then work your way into solely music, nature sounds or silent meditations. For anxious folks, guided meditation can help to give you a focus point so it is not so overwhelming in the beginning.
3. Exercise
Exercise is beneficial for just about everyone, but for trauma survivors it can also be a way to release pent-up emotions you have relating to what has happened to you. The type of exercise is not really as important, as engaging in a daily practice of release.
If you like to dance, do some Zumba, if you are more of a yoga lover, go with that. For some, taking kickboxing or jiu-jitsu can help them feel more in control after an assault and better able to defend themselves. No matter what you choose remember that exercise should be an act of self-care, meaning it should be something you enjoy- not a punishment.
4. Positive Affirmations
For many survivors there is a good-deal of shame and guilt that comes with what has happened to them. For those reasons, it is all the more important to really focus on programing yourself with positive thoughts and beliefs. For example: “I am loved,” “I am worthy,” “I am valued,” “I am strong,” “I am enough.” I often tell client’s to pick an opposite thought to their negative self-talk, so if your inner “Karen” is saying: “I am disposable”, you say to yourself: “I am worthy and deserving of love, respect and affection”.
There is a really amazing App that spams your phone, however often you set it, to give you positive affirmations called “I Am”. If its a struggle for you at first to come up with your own affirmations, I really recommend it.
This process of changing that inner voice takes time and truly is a practice so be gentle with yourself. You will have days where it works great and other days where you cannot seem to get “Karen” to stop talking. It’s okay, just take it one step, one moment at a time.
5. Support
Support is critical need for healing, surround yourself with people who build you up, cheer you on and pick you up when you are down. If you have a solid support system don’t be afraid to engage them, by calling a friend or family member, attending a support group and/or finding a therapist. If your support system is lacking, use a smartphone app or the Meetup website to find a local, like-minded group and make some new friends.
Often times survivors feel alone and like no one can or will understand how they feel, or that they will be judged for what happened to them. However, as said in the beginning abuse is more common than we would like to believe in this country. Sharing your struggles with people who understand and care about you and your well-being is an important aspect of your healing journey. If you are a sexual abuse survivor and need some words of advise from others who have been through it but are not ready to take that step of opening up just yet, I highly recommend Dear Sister by Lisa Factora-Borchers and Aishah Shahidah Simmons - a book of letters from survivors of sexual abuse to other survivors.
Are you a survivor of trauma or abuse? A licensed mental health professional can help you so you don’t have to go through this alone. Give our office a call today so we can set up a time to talk.
Keep Shining,
Have you ever wondered how childhood trauma impacts adolescents or adults? Do you find yourself asking yourself how much your childhood has a impact on your relationships today? Childhood experiences, both positive and negative, have major impact on our emotional development and how we continue to interact in the relationships around us.
Childhood is where our attachment styles are developed and our parents are our primary attachment figures. The way they respond to us in childhood shapes our worldview, or perception of the world, and how we expect others to respond, relate and interact with us. This is the foundation of whether or not a child will feel the world is safe and whether or not those around them will accept them.
Erikson called this our view of “trust or mistrust”. Is it a safe place to venture out and take emotional risks? Are all people generally good or are they out to hurt us and therefore untrustworthy? Can we trust others to support us in times of emotional need or crisis or do I need to rely on myself?
Complex trauma refers to the prolonged exposure to a stressful event, or repeated traumatic events layered on top of another. This would include children, who have grown up in physically, sexually, and/or emotionally absent or abusive households, as well as children who grew up in unsafe communities, an incarnated parent or a parent with mental health or substance use concerns.
How Childhood Trauma Continues to Effect us into Adulthood
Without the safety net of a secure attachment relationship, children experiencing childhood trauma grow up to become adults who struggle with poor self-esteem and difficulty with emotional regulation. They continue the unhealthy relationship patterns of their childhood with partners, friends and family members. These adults also have an increased risk of developing depression and anxiety.
The following are the four basic attachment styles. Please keep in mind that these descriptions are very general; not everyone will have all these characteristics. Attachment styles are relatively fluid and can be ever-changing depending on your partner’s own attachment style and the adaptations you make as you grow and learn.
Secure Attachment in Adults
These individuals usually grew up in a supportive environment where parents consistently responded to their needs. Securely attached individuals feel comfortable in their own skin, easily share feelings with partners and friends and seek out social support. These individuals have a generally positive outlook on life and seek physical and/or emotional intimacy with minimal fear of being rejected or overwhelmed.
Securely attached individuals, much like their parents were to them, are generally consistent and reliable in their behaviors toward their partner. They also tend to include their partner in decisions that could affect their relationship or life goals.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment in Adults
Children develop this attachment style when their primary caregivers are not emotionally responsive or are rejecting of their needs.
Children learn to pull away emotionally and be overly self-reliant, as means to avoid feelings of rejection. As adults, they become uncomfortable with emotional openness and downplay the importance of relationships.
These adults tend to place a high priority on their own independence from others and tend to be extremely self-reliant. They develop techniques to reduce feelings of being overwhelmed and defend themselves from perceived threats to their “independence.”
These techniques include, shutting down, sending mixed messages, and avoiding. These coping techniques end up becoming detrimental to their adult relationships.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment in Adults
Children who have developed this style of attachment may have been exposed to prolonged abuse and/or neglect. Their primary caregivers are a source of hurt, rather than fulfilling their vital role of providing support and comfort.
These children grow up to become adults who depend on others but avoid intimacy in their relationships due to fear of rejection. As adults they have lower self-esteem and high anxiety in relationships.
As adults they see the value in having close relationships but due to the abuse they received have a difficult time trusting others. Due to this distrust, they avoid being emotionally vulnerable with others and have difficulty clearly expressing their wants and needs, as they fear it will lead to more hurt and rejection.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment in Adults:
Children with anxious-preoccupied attachment had caregivers who did not consistently meet their needs, as in their responses to the child were not consistent or predictable. Their parents were nurturing, caring and attentive at times but this was alternated with cold, rejecting or emotionally detached behaviors.
This alternation between love and rejection makes it difficult for a child to know what to expect from day to day. These children then grow up to be adults who require a lot of connection, closeness and attention within their relationships, sometimes to the point of being “clingy.”
Individuals who have this attachment style may need more validation and approval from loved ones than the other attachment styles.
Neurobiology of Attachment and Childhood Trauma
As products of our own environments, adults will often find themselves repeating the same behaviors witnessed and experienced in childhood. This is because the neural pathways developed from childhood traumatic experiences shape keep us stuck in these unhealthy patterns and ways of relating.
As products of our own environments, adults will often find themselves repeating the same behaviors witnessed and experienced in childhood. This is because the neural pathways developed from childhood traumatic experiences shape keep us stuck in these unhealthy patterns and ways of relating.
To say all of this is not meant to place blame on caregivers for the types of relationships formed in your adult life. However, increasing awareness of your own attachment style can help you take those first steps towards recognizing patterns and improving your relationships as an adult. With newfound awareness you can move to form securely attached relationships with your partner and with your own children.
Processing those difficult childhood memories of abuse and neglect can help you to make new neural connections with more adaptive experiences in your life and thus alter that inner-voice that keeps your stuck in poor patterns of behavior.
Where to go From Here?
At Long Island EMDR, we understand how complex childhood trauma affects you as an adult, which is why we specialize in EMDR and trauma-focused therapies. We are here to help guide and support you through your journey of processing past hurts and forming healthier connections.
Keep Shining,
Parenting is a challenging journey on its own, but it can become even more difficult when the parent has ADHD. The constant struggle to stay organized, focused, and on top of responsibilities can take a toll on both the parent and their child. However, there is hope. EMDR therapy, a unique and effective form of therapy, has shown promising results in helping parents with ADHD better manage their symptoms and become more confident and capable in their role as a parent. In this blog post, we will explore the struggles of parenting with ADHD and how EMDR therapy can be a valuable tool in navigating this challenge.
Understanding ADHD in Parents
Parenting is a challenging journey that requires patience, focus, and organization. But what happens when the parent themselves has ADHD? Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD, is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects both children and adults. It is characterized by difficulties in maintaining attention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. When a parent has ADHD, it can add an extra layer of complexity to the already demanding role of being a caregiver.
Understanding ADHD in parents is crucial in order to navigate this unique challenge. For parents with ADHD, the struggle to stay organized and focused can make even the simplest tasks feel overwhelming. Time management becomes a constant battle, leading to feelings of frustration and guilt. The ability to juggle multiple responsibilities can become incredibly challenging, leaving parents feeling overwhelmed and inadequate.
Additionally, ADHD can also impact a parent's ability to provide structure and consistency for their child. The lack of organization and planning can lead to inconsistency in parenting styles, which can be confusing for the child and create additional challenges in their development.
It's important to recognize that ADHD is a real and valid condition that requires understanding and support. By acknowledging and addressing the specific challenges that parents with ADHD face, we can begin to develop strategies and interventions that can help alleviate some of the burdens they face. In the next section, we will explore the struggles of parenting with ADHD in more detail, shedding light on the daily obstacles that parents with ADHD must overcome.
Struggles of Parenting with ADHD
Parenting is already a challenging task, but when a parent has ADHD, it can become even more overwhelming. The daily struggles of managing ADHD symptoms while also trying to meet the needs of your child can take a toll on both the parent and the child.
One of the main struggles for parents with ADHD is the difficulty in staying organized and focused. Simple tasks that seem easy for others can feel insurmountable for someone with ADHD. Time management becomes a constant battle, and feelings of frustration and guilt can easily arise. Juggling multiple responsibilities can be incredibly challenging, leaving parents feeling on edge and not good enough.
ADHD can also affect a parent's ability to provide structure and consistency for their child. The lack of organization and planning can lead to inconsistency in parenting styles, which can be confusing and unsettling for the child. This can create additional challenges in their development and may cause the child to struggle with routine and expectations.
Furthermore, the impulsivity that often accompanies ADHD can also be a struggle for parents. Impulsive reactions and decision-making can lead to unintended consequences and can make it difficult to maintain a calm and controlled environment for the child.
Overall, parenting with ADHD is a daily battle. However, it's important to remember that you are not alone. There are strategies and interventions available to help parents with ADHD navigate these challenges and become more confident and capable caregivers. In the next sections, we will explore the benefits of EMDR therapy, how it works, and finding a therapist to guide you through this unique form of therapy.
Benefits of EMDR Therapy for Parents with ADHD
EMDR therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, has shown promising benefits for parents with ADHD. This unique form of therapy can help alleviate the struggles that come with parenting while managing ADHD symptoms. Here are some of the benefits of EMDR therapy for parents with ADHD:
1. Reduction of ADHD symptoms: EMDR therapy has been found to be effective in reducing the symptoms of ADHD, such as difficulties with attention, focus, and impulsivity. Through targeted eye movements or other forms of bilateral stimulation, EMDR therapy helps reprocess traumatic memories and negative beliefs that may contribute to ADHD symptoms.
2. Improved executive functioning: EMDR therapy can enhance executive functioning skills, such as organization, planning, and time management. By addressing underlying emotional issues and working through past traumas, parents can develop new coping strategies and improve their ability to stay organized and focused.
3. Enhanced self-confidence: Many parents with ADHD struggle with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. EMDR therapy can help parents develop a more positive self-image and improve their self-confidence as a parent. By reprocessing negative experiences and beliefs, parents can gain a greater sense of their strengths and abilities.
4. Improved parent-child relationship: EMDR therapy can also benefit the parent-child relationship. By addressing and resolving emotional issues that may contribute to parenting challenges, parents can develop healthier and more secure attachments with their children. This can lead to improved communication, trust, and overall family dynamics.
5. Long-lasting results: EMDR therapy has been found to have long-lasting effects. Many parents report continued improvements in their ADHD symptoms and parenting abilities even after therapy has ended. This means that the benefits of EMDR therapy can extend beyond the therapy sessions and have a positive impact on parenting in the long term.
How EMDR Therapy Works
EMDR therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is a unique and effective form of therapy that has shown promising results in helping parents with ADHD. But how exactly does EMDR therapy work?
EMDR therapy is based on the understanding that traumatic or distressing experiences can get stuck in our brains, causing negative beliefs and emotional distress. These unresolved experiences can contribute to ADHD symptoms and difficulties in parenting. EMDR therapy works by targeting and reprocessing these traumatic memories, allowing the brain to process them more healthily.
During an EMDR therapy session, the therapist will guide the parent through a series of eye movements or other forms of bilateral stimulation. This bilateral stimulation helps stimulate the brain's natural ability to heal and reprocess traumatic memories. As the parent follows the therapist's hand movements or listens to sounds alternating in each ear, the brain's attention is split, allowing the distressing memories to be processed more effectively.
As the parent reprocesses these traumatic memories, they can experience a reduction in ADHD symptoms and an improvement in executive functioning. Negative beliefs about themselves as parents can be challenged and replaced with more positive and empowering beliefs. This leads to improved self-confidence and a stronger parent-child relationship.
EMDR therapy is a collaborative process, with the therapist providing a safe and supportive environment for the parent to explore their experiences and emotions. Each session builds on the progress made in the previous session, allowing for a gradual healing process.
Finding a Therapist for EMDR Therapy
Finding a qualified therapist who specializes in EMDR therapy can greatly benefit those managing ADHD symptoms and navigating the challenges of parenting. To find the right therapist for you, follow these tips:
1. Research online: Begin by searching online directories and therapist listings in your area. Look for therapists who specialize in EMDR therapy, have experience working with individuals with ADHD, and possess relevant credentials and experience. Read any reviews or testimonials from previous clients. The EMDR International Association website is a good start!
2. Seek recommendations: Reach out to your personal network for recommendations. Ask friends, family members, or support groups who have undergone EMDR therapy or know someone who has for their experiences. This can provide valuable insights and help you find a therapist who suits your needs.
3. Consult with professionals: Consider seeking recommendations from mental health professionals, such as psychologists or psychiatrists, who specialize in ADHD or trauma. They may be familiar with therapists who utilize EMDR therapy and can provide referrals.
4. Take advantage of consultation sessions: Many therapists offer free consultation sessions or phone calls to discuss their approach and answer any questions you may have. This can give you a better sense of the therapist and whether they are a good fit for you.
5. Trust your instincts: It is important to trust your instincts when choosing a therapist. Find someone you feel comfortable with and can build a strong therapeutic relationship with. Don't be afraid to ask questions and voice any concerns you may have during the consultation process.
Remember that finding the right therapist is a personal and individual process. Take your time, do your research, and trust that you will find the right therapist who can support you in managing your ADHD symptoms through EMDR therapy.
Other Resources and Coping Strategies for Parenting with ADHD
Parenting with ADHD can be a daily battle, but there are resources and coping strategies that can help alleviate some of the challenges and help you feel better connected with your family. Here are a few additional resources and strategies to consider:
1. Support groups: Connecting with other parents who also have ADHD can provide a sense of community and understanding. Support groups can offer valuable advice, tips, and a safe space to share experiences and frustrations. Look for local support groups or online communities specifically for parents with ADHD.
2. Parenting classes or workshops: Many organizations offer parenting classes or workshops specifically tailored to parents with ADHD. These classes can provide valuable strategies and techniques for managing ADHD symptoms while still being an effective parent. Check with local community centers, mental health clinics, or online resources for upcoming classes or workshops.
3. Time management tools: Utilize tools and apps that can help with time management and organization. There are various apps available that can assist with setting reminders, creating schedules, and breaking tasks into manageable chunks. Experiment with different tools to find the ones that work best for you and your family.
4. Prioritize self-care: Taking care of yourself is essential when parenting with ADHD. Make time for self-care activities, such as exercise, meditation, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy. Remember, when you prioritize your well-being, you are better able to show up for your child.
5. Seek professional help: In addition to EMDR therapy, consider other therapeutic interventions that may benefit parents with ADHD. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and medication management can also be effective treatments for managing ADHD symptoms. Consult with a mental health professional who specializes in ADHD to explore the best treatment options for you.
Remember, managing ADHD as a parent is an ongoing journey. It's essential to be patient with yourself, practice self-compassion, and celebrate your successes along the way. With the right resources and coping strategies, you can navigate the challenges of parenting with ADHD and thrive in your role as a loving and capable caregiver.
As parents, we often see ourselves in our children - the good and the bad. It can be heartwarming to see our positive traits reflected in our little ones, but it can also be difficult and even painful to see our flaws mirrored in them. This phenomenon can be attributed to a variety of factors, including genetics and learned behavior. However, our children can also serve as mirrors for our unresolved issues and traumas. This is why therapy can be a valuable tool for both parents and children to work through their own struggles and create a healthier dynamic within the family.
The Importance of Identifying Negative Behaviors
Identifying negative behaviors in ourselves and our children is crucial for creating a healthy and positive family dynamic. When we can recognize these behaviors, we have the opportunity to address them and work toward change. Not only does this benefit our children, but it also allows us to grow as individuals and break free from harmful patterns.
By identifying negative behaviors, we can prevent them from being passed down from generation to generation. This self-awareness gives us the power to stop the cycle and create a more nurturing environment for our children. It also allows us to model healthier behaviors, teaching our children important life skills.
Additionally, identifying negative behaviors helps us understand the underlying issues that may be contributing to these behaviors. It allows us to explore our own traumas and unresolved issues, so we can heal and move forward.
Overall, recognizing and addressing negative behaviors is a crucial step toward creating a loving and supportive family environment. It sets the foundation for personal growth, improved relationships, and a happier future for everyone involved.
Understanding Normal Childhood Development and Behavior Patterns
Understanding normal childhood development and behavior patterns is essential for parents to effectively navigate their child's growth and development. It helps us distinguish between behaviors that are part of a normal developmental process and those that may be a reflection of our own negative behavior patterns. By having this knowledge, parents can better respond to their child's needs and promote their overall well-being.
During childhood, children go through various stages of development, both physically and emotionally. These stages include milestones such as learning to walk, talk, and form relationships. Each child develops at their own pace, and it's important for parents to be aware of these variations.
Understanding normal childhood behavior patterns allows us to differentiate between typical behavior and potential signs of distress or concern. For example, temper tantrums and mood swings are common in young children, but persistent aggression or withdrawal may indicate underlying issues that require further attention.
By familiarizing ourselves with normal childhood development and behavior patterns, we can better support our children in reaching their full potential. It also enables us to identify when additional support or intervention may be necessary. Through this understanding, we can create a nurturing environment that fosters growth, resilience, and emotional well-being for our children.
Recognizing Our Own Negative Behavior Patterns Reflected in Our Children
It can be a startling and eye-opening experience when we see our own negative behavior patterns reflected in our children. As parents, we often strive to be the best role models for our kids, but sometimes our own unresolved issues and traumas can unintentionally manifest in our behavior towards them. It's essential to recognize these patterns in order to break the cycle and create a healthier family dynamic.
When we see our negative behavior patterns in our children, it's important not to beat ourselves up or feel guilty. Instead, we should view it as an opportunity for growth and self-reflection. By acknowledging these patterns, we can begin to understand the underlying issues that may be contributing to them. This self-awareness allows us to address our own struggles and work towards healing and personal growth.
Recognizing our own negative behavior patterns in our children also provides an opportunity to model healthier behaviors. We can teach our kids important life skills such as emotional regulation, effective communication, and problem-solving. By being open and honest about our own challenges, we create a safe and supportive environment for our children to express themselves and navigate their own emotions.
Remember, it's never too late to make positive changes and break negative behavior cycles. By recognizing and addressing our own negative behavior patterns, we can create a loving and nurturing environment where our children can thrive and grow into resilient individuals.
Why Communicating Better is Easier Said Than Done
Effective communication is often easier said than done, especially within the family dynamic. Many factors contribute to the challenges we face when trying to communicate better with our children. One major factor is the emotional baggage and unresolved issues we carry from our past. These can hinder our ability to express ourselves openly and honestly, leading to miscommunication and misunderstandings.
Additionally, communication styles and patterns can be deeply ingrained within us. We may have learned ineffective ways of expressing ourselves or coping with conflicts from our parents or previous relationships. Breaking these patterns and adopting new, healthier communication habits takes time and effort.
Furthermore, stress and daily pressures can take a toll on our communication skills. When we're overwhelmed, it's easy to fall into reactive behaviors rather than responding calmly and empathetically to our children.
But don't worry, improving communication is absolutely possible! It starts with self-awareness and recognizing our own communication challenges. By prioritizing active listening, open dialogue, and practicing effective conflict resolution skills, we can create an environment where communication flows more smoothly. Seeking support from therapists or family counselors can also be immensely helpful in improving communication within the family.
Remember, improving communication takes time and patience. Celebrate the small victories and keep working towards open and effective communication, knowing that your efforts will ultimately strengthen the bond with your children and create a harmonious family dynamic.
The Role of Self-Awareness and Accountability in Positive Parenting
Self-awareness and accountability play crucial roles in positive parenting. When we become aware of our own flaws and negative behavior patterns, we have the power to make positive changes and break the cycle. By taking responsibility for our actions and choices, we model accountability to our children, teaching them the importance of self-reflection and personal growth.
Self-awareness allows us to recognize when our emotions and unresolved issues are influencing our interactions with our children. It helps us pause, reflect, and respond rather than react impulsively. By being aware of our triggers and emotional baggage, we can better understand how they impact our parenting style and make conscious efforts to address them.
Accountability involves taking ownership of our mistakes and making amends when necessary. It teaches our children that everyone makes errors, but what matters is how we take responsibility and learn from them. By modeling accountability, we create a safe and supportive environment where our children feel comfortable acknowledging their own mistakes and growing from them.
In order to cultivate self-awareness and accountability, it's important to practice self-reflection, seek support from therapists or parenting classes, and regularly assess our own behavior and its impact on our children. Remember, positive parenting is a journey, and embracing self-awareness and accountability is a powerful step toward creating a loving and nurturing family dynamic.
Strategies for Breaking Negative Behavior Cycles
Breaking negative behavior cycles can be a challenging but worthwhile endeavor. Here are some strategies to help you on your journey:
1. Self-reflection: Take the time to reflect on your behavior and identify the negative patterns you want to break. Understand the triggers that lead to these behaviors and explore the underlying emotions and experiences that contribute to them.
2. Seek support: Reach out to therapists, parenting classes, or support groups that can provide guidance and tools for breaking negative behavior cycles. Professional guidance can be immensely helpful in gaining new insights and strategies.
3. Set clear boundaries: Establish clear and consistent boundaries with your children. Clearly communicate expectations and consequences, and be firm yet loving in enforcing them. Consistency and clarity provide a sense of security for children and help break negative behavior cycles. Gentle or positive parenting does not mean no boundaries or consequences!
4. Practice positive discipline: Instead of resorting to punitive measures, focus on positive discipline techniques that promote learning and growth. Use praise and rewards to reinforce desired behaviors and provide guidance and redirection for negative behaviors.
5. Model healthy behavior: Be a role model for your children by exhibiting the behavior you want to see in them. Show empathy, effective communication, and problem-solving skills. Let them see you making mistakes and taking responsibility for them, emphasizing the importance of self-reflection and personal growth.
Remember, breaking negative behavior cycles takes time and patience. Be kind to yourself and your children throughout the process. Celebrate small victories, seek support when needed, and embrace the journey of creating a healthier and happier family dynamic.
With love,
Kristy Casper, LCSW
Do you feel like your relationships keep repeating the same patterns? Are you struggling to get out of a trauma bond? EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can be the key to unlocking unhealthy relationship patterns and creating healthier ones. In this blog post, we will explore how EMDR can help us with future relationships, how to recognize red flags and green flags, and how to break a trauma bond. So if you're looking for a way to build healthier relationships, EMDR may just be the answer.
How can trauma bonding impact future relationships, and what steps can be taken to heal from this type of emotional attachment.
Understanding the Trauma Bond and its Impact on Relationships
If you find yourself trapped in unhealthy relationship patterns that seem to repeat over and over again, it's possible that you may be stuck in a trauma bond. The trauma bond is a psychological attachment that forms between an abuser and a victim, making it difficult to break free from the cycle of abuse. Understanding the trauma bond is crucial in order to recognize its impact on relationships.
Trauma bonds can leave lasting effects on our emotional and mental well-being. They can distort our perception of what is healthy and normal in a relationship, making it challenging to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. The trauma bond can also lead to feelings of dependency, fear, and low self-esteem.
By understanding the trauma bond and how it impacts relationships, we can begin to break free from its grip and create healthier, more fulfilling connections with others. Through EMDR therapy, we can address and process the traumatic experiences that have contributed to the trauma bond, allowing us to heal and build healthier relationship patterns.
Exploring the Benefits of EMDR Therapy for Healing from Trauma Bonds
EMDR therapy offers a powerful and effective approach to healing from trauma bonds. By targeting the underlying traumatic experiences that have contributed to these unhealthy relationship patterns, EMDR can help break free from the grip of the trauma bond and create healthier, more fulfilling connections with others.
One of the major benefits of EMDR therapy is its ability to process and reprocess traumatic memories in a safe and controlled environment. This helps to alleviate the distress associated with these memories and reduces their impact on current relationships. By reprocessing the traumatic experiences, EMDR allows individuals to gain new insights, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and form a more positive sense of self.
Another benefit of EMDR therapy is its ability to desensitize and reprocess triggers associated with the trauma bond. These triggers can often lead to intense emotional and physiological reactions that hinder healthy relationship dynamics. Through EMDR, individuals can learn to identify and reprocess these triggers, reducing their power and allowing for more stable and secure relationships.
EMDR therapy also provides individuals with a sense of empowerment and control over their own healing journey. By actively engaging in the therapeutic process, individuals can regain a sense of agency and autonomy in their relationships. This newfound empowerment allows for the development of healthier boundaries and the ability to navigate future relationships from a place of strength and self-assuredness.
Overall, EMDR therapy offers numerous benefits for healing from trauma bonds. Through its unique approach, it empowers individuals to break free from the patterns of the past, creating the space for healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.
How EMDR Can Help with Future Relationships by Breaking Old Patterns
EMDR therapy offers hope for breaking free from old relationship patterns and building healthier connections in the future. By targeting the underlying traumas that contribute to these patterns, EMDR helps to reprocess and heal the wounds that hold us back.
Through EMDR, we can gain new insights and perspectives on past experiences, allowing us to let go of negative beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve us. This therapy helps to create new neural pathways in our brains, replacing old patterns with healthier ones.
EMDR also empowers us to set boundaries and make choices that align with our values and needs. By working through past traumas, we can develop a stronger sense of self and cultivate self-assuredness in future relationships.
With the help of EMDR therapy, we can break the cycle of trauma and create a foundation for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Identifying Red Flags in Relationships That Trigger Trauma Responses
Identifying red flags in relationships is crucial for trauma survivors as it helps them recognize patterns that may trigger trauma responses. These red flags can vary, but some common ones include controlling behavior, excessive jealousy, manipulation, verbal or physical aggression, and disregard for boundaries. It's important to trust your instincts and take note of any discomfort or unease you feel in a relationship.
Another red flag is a lack of empathy or understanding for your past traumas. If your partner dismisses or minimizes your experiences, it can be detrimental to your healing process. Additionally, a lack of communication or refusal to address conflict in a healthy manner can indicate potential problems in the relationship.
By learning to identify these red flags, trauma survivors can protect themselves and make informed decisions about their relationships. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor can provide guidance in recognizing and addressing these red flags, allowing for healthier, more fulfilling connections in the future. Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship that nurtures and supports your healing journey.
Recognizing Green Flags in Healthy Relationships that Foster Growth and Healing
Building healthy relationships after experiencing trauma is essential for healing and growth. Recognizing the green flags in these relationships can help trauma survivors foster a sense of safety, trust, and emotional well-being. Green flags are positive signs that indicate a healthy and supportive relationship.
Some examples of green flags include open and honest communication, respect for boundaries, empathy and understanding, mutual support and encouragement, and a willingness to work through conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner. These green flags create an environment where growth and healing can thrive. It is important to be aware of these green flags and actively seek out relationships that embody these qualities. By recognizing and prioritizing healthy relationships, trauma survivors can create a foundation for long-lasting healing, growth, and fulfillment.
Incorporating Self-Care Practices to Support Healing and Growth after Trauma.
Incorporating self-care practices into your life after experiencing trauma is crucial for your healing and growth. Self-care is about prioritizing your well-being and taking intentional steps to nurture and support yourself. It's about recognizing your own needs and actively seeking out activities and practices that promote healing and self-compassion.
There are many self-care practices that can support your healing journey. Engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as spending time in nature, practicing yoga or meditation, or indulging in a favorite hobby, can be incredibly beneficial. Taking care of your physical health through regular exercise, eating nutritious meals, and getting enough sleep is also important for your overall well-being.
Additionally, seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist can provide you with the guidance and understanding you need during your healing process. Taking the time to express and process your emotions, whether through journaling, art, or talking with a trusted confidante, can also be a valuable self-care practice.
Remember, incorporating self-care practices is not selfish or indulgent. It is a necessary and essential part of your healing journey. By prioritizing your well-being and engaging in self-care, you are taking an active role in your own healing and growth after trauma.
People pleasing is a common phenomenon in our society today, yet its hidden costs are often overlooked. It can come from our upbringing and cultural norms, and can lead to detrimental effects on one’s mental and emotional well-being. In this blog post, we will explore the costs of people pleasing, how our upbringing and cultural norms can lead to it, and how EMDR can help people work through these tendencies. People pleasing can be a difficult habit to break, but recognizing and understanding the underlying causes and hidden costs can be a powerful first step towards changing it.
Understanding People Pleasing
People pleasing is a behavior pattern that involves sacrificing one's own needs and desires in order to gain the approval of others. While wanting to make others happy is not inherently bad, constantly putting the needs of others above your own can have negative effects on your mental and emotional health.
At its core, people pleasing stems from a fear of rejection or a desire for acceptance. Those who struggle with people pleasing often have low self-esteem and feel that they need external validation to feel good about themselves. They may also fear that if they don't please others, they will be rejected or abandoned.
While people pleasing is often seen as a personality trait, it is actually a learned behavior. Children who are raised in homes where there is a lot of emphasis placed on pleasing others or avoiding conflict may develop people pleasing tendencies as a way to cope with their environment. Similarly, cultural norms and societal expectations can also contribute to the development of people pleasing behaviors. For example, women are often socialized to be nurturing and selfless, which can lead to a tendency to put others' needs before their own.
While people pleasing can sometimes result in positive outcomes, such as maintaining healthy relationships, it can also have serious negative consequences. People pleasers may become so focused on pleasing others that they lose touch with their own wants and needs, leading to feelings of resentment and burnout. They may also experience anxiety and depression as a result of constantly trying to meet the expectations of others.
In addition to these emotional costs, people pleasing can also hurt one's physical health. Chronic stress, which can be a result of trying to constantly please others, has been linked to a variety of health problems, including heart disease and immune system dysfunction.
So what can be done to break the cycle of people pleasing? One effective approach is eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. EMDR can help individuals identify the underlying causes of their people pleasing tendencies, such as past traumas or negative beliefs about themselves. By processing these experiences and beliefs, individuals can learn to value their own needs and desires, and to set boundaries that allow them to live more fulfilling lives.
Where Does People Pleasing Stem From?
People pleasing is a common trait that can often be found in individuals who struggle with asserting themselves and setting healthy boundaries. It’s important to recognize that this behavior stems from a variety of sources and can manifest in different ways for each individual.
For some, people pleasing may stem from a fear of rejection or abandonment. This fear may be rooted in childhood experiences, such as growing up in a household where one parent was absent or where there was a lack of emotional support and validation. Children who grow up in environments like this may have learned that the only way to receive attention and love is by pleasing others. As a result, they may carry this behavior into their adult relationships.
Cultural norms can also play a significant role in developing people pleasing tendencies. In some cultures, it is considered impolite or rude to assert oneself and speak up for their own needs. The emphasis on collectivism over individualism can also contribute to people pleasing behaviors. In these cultures, putting others’ needs before one’s own is often seen as a sign of respect and humility.
Additionally, social conditioning can lead to people pleasing. In our society, we are often told that it’s important to be agreeable and that saying “yes” is the right thing to do. We’re taught that being helpful and accommodating to others is the key to success and happiness. Unfortunately, this messaging can make it challenging to set boundaries and say “no” when necessary, as it goes against the social norms we’ve been taught.
Ultimately, people pleasing behavior can have a significant impact on one’s mental health and well-being. The constant need to please others and put their needs before your own can lead to feelings of resentment, stress, and anxiety. This behavior can also lead to unhealthy relationships, as people pleasers may attract individuals who take advantage of their desire to please.
Fortunately, there are techniques and therapies that can help individuals work through people pleasing tendencies and set healthy boundaries. One effective therapy is EMDR, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. EMDR is a therapy that focuses on processing and resolving past experiences that contribute to current emotional and behavioral patterns.
During EMDR therapy, a therapist helps individuals identify the specific events and beliefs that contribute to their people pleasing behavior. They then use eye movement or other forms of bilateral stimulation to help the individual reprocess these memories in a safe and controlled environment. Over time, this can lead to a reduction in people pleasing behaviors and an increase in self-confidence and assertiveness.
Overall, people pleasing behavior can be challenging to overcome, but it is possible.
The Role of Upbringing and Cultural Norms in Developing People Pleasing Tendencies
The development of people pleasing tendencies often has deep roots in our upbringing and cultural norms. Children who grow up in homes where there is an emphasis on obedience, conformity, and putting others' needs before their own can often become conditioned to seek validation and approval from others. Similarly, in certain cultures, there is a high value placed on the concept of harmony and avoiding conflict, which can lead to a pattern of people pleasing.
In many households, children are taught from a young age that pleasing others is more important than satisfying their own desires. For example, a child may be rewarded for cleaning their room or doing well in school, but may not receive praise for pursuing their own passions or standing up for themselves. This kind of behavior can set the stage for a lifetime of people pleasing, as the child grows up seeking validation and approval from others to feel successful.
Additionally, certain cultural norms can also reinforce the concept of people pleasing. In collectivist cultures, the importance of the group outweighs the importance of the individual, leading individuals to prioritize maintaining positive relationships with others. In these cultures, conflict is often avoided, and the emphasis is on creating a harmonious environment for everyone. As a result, individuals who grow up in these cultures may become conditioned to seek approval from others and avoid confrontation at all costs.
However, the constant need to please others can take a toll on one's mental health and well-being. The fear of rejection and disapproval can lead to anxiety, stress, and a sense of low self-worth. People pleasing can also be a drain on one's time and energy, as individuals are constantly prioritizing others' needs over their own. It can lead to burnout and leave individuals feeling resentful and unfulfilled.
Fortunately, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy can be an effective treatment for working through people pleasing tendencies. EMDR is a psychotherapy technique that focuses on processing past traumatic experiences that may be impacting one's present-day behaviors. By addressing the underlying beliefs and experiences that are contributing to the pattern of people pleasing, individuals can develop healthier coping mechanisms and learn to prioritize their own needs.
The Cost of People Pleasing
While it may seem like people pleasing is a harmless habit, it can have a serious impact on your mental health and well-being. Constantly putting the needs of others before your own can lead to feelings of burnout, resentment, and low self-esteem. In this section, we will explore some of the costs associated with people pleasing and how it can negatively impact your life.
- Anxiety and Stress
People pleasing often stems from a fear of rejection or a desire to be liked and accepted by others. However, constantly seeking approval and validation from others can lead to feelings of anxiety and stress. The fear of saying no or disappointing someone can result in feelings of overwhelming pressure, leading to sleepless nights and a constant feeling of being on edge. - Difficulty Making Decisions
When you're a people pleaser, making decisions can become a daunting task. Constantly worrying about what others will think can lead to analysis paralysis, making it challenging to make even the most basic of decisions. This can be incredibly frustrating and lead to feelings of powerlessness and helplessness. - Neglecting Your Own Needs
People pleasing often comes at the cost of neglecting your own needs. When you're constantly putting others first, it's easy to forget to prioritize your own self-care, resulting in a host of physical and mental health issues. This can include things like neglecting to exercise, skipping meals, and neglecting to set healthy boundaries. - Damaged Relationships
While it may seem counterintuitive, constantly putting others first can actually damage your relationships in the long run. When you're not being true to yourself and your needs, it's impossible to build genuine, authentic connections with others. You may end up resenting those you're trying to please, leading to conflict and damaged relationships. - Loss of Self-Identity
Lastly, people pleasing can result in a loss of self-identity. Constantly trying to be what others want you to be can lead to a loss of individuality and a lack of personal growth. Over time, you may forget who you are and what you stand for, leading to a deep sense of dissatisfaction and unfulfillment.
If you recognize any of these costs in your life, it's important to take action. Seeking the help of a trained professional, such as an EMDR therapist, can help you identify and work through your people pleasing tendencies. With time, patience, and support, you can break free from this habit and rediscover your sense of self.
How EMDR Can Help You Work Through People Pleasing Tendencies
People pleasing tendencies are often deeply ingrained and can be challenging to overcome. However, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy can help you work through these tendencies and find healthier ways to interact with others.
EMDR is a type of therapy that focuses on processing past traumas and negative experiences. During an EMDR session, you'll be guided through a series of eye movements or other forms of bilateral stimulation. This process can help reduce the intensity of negative emotions associated with past experiences, allowing you to process them more effectively.
One of the ways EMDR can be helpful for people pleasers is by uncovering and addressing any underlying traumas or negative beliefs that contribute to their people pleasing behavior. For example, if you were raised in an environment where your worth was tied to your ability to please others, this belief may be at the root of your people pleasing tendencies. EMDR can help you identify these beliefs and work through them, allowing you to develop healthier patterns of behavior.
EMDR can also help people pleasers develop better boundaries and assertiveness skills. In EMDR sessions, you may work on visualizing yourself in situations where you would normally feel compelled to please others, and then practice setting boundaries and communicating your needs. Through this process, you'll learn to prioritize your own well-being while still maintaining positive relationships with others.
Finally, EMDR can help people pleasers develop greater self-compassion and self-esteem. People pleasing often stems from a lack of self-worth and a belief that our value lies in our ability to make others happy. Through EMDR, you'll learn to challenge these negative beliefs and develop a more positive sense of self. As you begin to prioritize your own needs and recognize your own inherent worth, you'll find that people pleasing becomes less of a compulsion and more of a choice. If you want to meet with someone for assistance working through this- fill out a consultation form.
Sending Love & Light,