Being a parent is not easy. Being a mom is pretty rough too. I recently watched a show called “Better Things” about a single mother (working in Hollywood) raising her 3 daughters. At some point in the show, one of the daughters made a comment about single mothers. Another character said, “All mothers are single mothers.” That hit me hard. As supportive as my husband is, and as an amazing father he is to our two perfect little children, it wasn’t always like that. Today I can confidently say that I do not feel like a single mother. I feel like my partner contributes many things he once did not, whether it be with the children or with household responsibilities. At some point in my life with children, I felt like if I had to leave the house, I had to set my husband up like a babysitter and have diapers, wipes, cream, outfits, bottles, blankets, etc., all ready for him so he would have no hiccups during those times with the baby/toddler.
That and along with the million other tasks I was responsible for, it became exhausting to say the least. I felt like I was on autopilot and not enjoying my life anymore. At that time, I was craving for my husband to just do and not be asked. It took a lot of therapy (individual and couples) for me to feel confident enough to communicate what I needed from him, and it took effort on his part to meet me halfway. We tell our children that we are a team, and everyone must do their part for each of us to feel happy and safe. My husband and I forgot what it meant to be a team to each other for a long time, and thankfully, today, I do feel like I have a trustworthy team member when raising our children. I do not leave my house with instructions for him like I would for a babysitter. I just leave knowing that he’s got this, and he does. In fact, he always was capable given the chance.
We often feel overwhelmed and burnout because we feel like the only one on the team who is participating. We plan most things, we are the ones packing for more than just ourselves for vacations. In the mornings, we get ourselves and 1,2, or 3+ people ready for the day, and then ready for bedtime at night. Learning and practicing ways to effectively communicate with confidence can help alleviate this feeling of burnout and make more time for us to be ourselves.
The Mental Load
Kelly Gonsalves from mindbodygreen.com writes about The Mental Load that women typically go through in which she defines as: “The mental load is a term for the invisible labor involved in managing a household and family, which typically falls on women's shoulders. Also sometimes referred to as "worry work" or "cognitive labor," the mental load is about not the physical tasks but rather the overseeing of those tasks.” This comic explains it the best: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Breaking the Cycle
It’s easier said than done- for sure I’ve lived this life. But putting in the work I promise is worth it. Here are some tips that have helped me to improve communication with my spouse.
1. Listening
Listening to what the other person is trying to say. As well as listening, not only to my children and my partner, but to myself. Listening to your feelings, triggers, warning signs, body sensations, or anything that might tell you that you need a break. Tips to Help You Actively Listen:
Focus fully on who is talking. This means not multitasking mama. Put the phone down, stop doing the laundry, stop thinking of the 20 other things you need to do. Engage. Make eye contact and be fully present with that person. If you find it hard to concentrate on what they are saying, repeating their words in your head it’ll reinforce them. Or check in on yourself- maybe you are not in the best emotional state to be having this conversation. If that’s the case take a break and tell them you will talk in an hour when your calm so you can be really present for them
Avoid interrupting or trying to redirect the conversation to your concerns. If you are coming up with a rebuttal or how to get the conversation back to your main concern- you're not really listening to them. You cannot listen fully and be thinking about what you will say next. If your doing this it can show through your non-verbal cues like your body language and facial expressions.
Show you understand what they are saying. Ask clarifying questions. Repeat a summary of what you heard so they can clarify for you. A lot of time miscommunication is what happens when we think another person is inferring something or we get fixated on the words they use- losing the message behind the words. Clarify. Some examples: “when you said ‘x’ are you saying that you feel ‘xyz’”.”what do you mean when you say…” “is this what you mean..” “Sounds like you are saying…”
Focus on understanding not judging. When we judge others there are a lot of value statements about what is right and wrong. Understanding is trying to see why they think the way they do, even if we don’t agree with it. It’s about empathizing with their position and understanding their pain-points- that’s how you find solutions. NOT the blame and shame game.
2. Paying attention to the non-verbal cues.
Both your body language and theirs. Make sure you are “open” with your body language. No crossing of arms or legs. Face should be understanding or neutral and your tone is important. If either of you are showing non-verbal cues that you're angry or anxious- table the conversation till you are both calm.
3. Managing your emotions
Being a mother means repeating yourself, having tiny voices repeat themselves around you, making messes everywhere, and invading your personal space all day everyday. It is easy to feel as though you might explode with frustration. Learning how to manage those explosive feelings and reactions can not only help you to feel sane, but can teach your children by example how to control themselves. Learning how to manage your emotions may come in the form of daily meditation, individual/couples therapy, or even with medication as prescribed and monitored by a psychiatrist. This also means paying attention to your triggers and warning signs and “tapping out” when you need a break. Walking away and taking space, even if it’s in the bathroom for 5 minutes, can help you to recenter yourself so you are not losing it on the family.
4. Be assertive
Being assertive to get what you want is not always easy, especially if you feel the burden of being the primary caregiver/housekeeper/shopper/activity planner, you know the be-all-end-all? Learning how to and practicing how to be assertive can change your life for the better and alleviate some of the pressures in life. It can also instill self-confidence in your children when you hold your boundaries and empower them to learn how to do for themselves! Honestly- same goes for the spouse.
5. Surround yourself with positive people that lift you up!
Having the right circle of support is key to really beginning to make these changes! Let’s be honest, for most of us we have been conditioned from childhood to help and please others. To neglect ourselves, our feelings and our needs. If you don’t get some people around you who are cheering you on to break the cycle- so that your kids don’t have that inner voice that says “my feelings and needs don’t matter”- it’s just going to be constant criticism from the people around you who instilled that value! And that coupled with change being so uncomfortable to begin with is not a good recipe for success.
Sound Like You?
It takes a lot of work and consistency for oneself to feel confident and empowered enough to set boundaries and expectations that are reasonable for everyone involved (including you momma!!). Joining a support group with people going through similar struggles can be a helpful way to join forces and empower each other to take back our voice, our alone time, our self-care, our guilty pleasures, and most importantly, the confidence to achieve these things in an appropriate and reasonable way. We all deserve this, and the saying “it takes a village” doesn’t just mean to raise a family, it also means to support the caregivers and mothers in our lives in different ways. If you are interested in receiving individual therapy from a woman who has truly been there, schedule with me today. If you feel you need a support group of like minded-woman join inquire about our “Don’t Know How She Does It Group”. I would love to help you become the woman you were born to be!
Sending Love,
Kristy Casper, LCSW
Mindfulness is the ability to be fully present and aware of where we are and what we’re doing. One important aspect of mindfulness is to not be overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us or in our mind. It is important to just observe without judgment. Mindfulness is a quality that we can all tap into, we simply just need to learn to access it. The following prompts are designed to help you begin becoming more mindful in just 15 days!!
1. Write a Gratitude Letter
This is one of my favorite personal practices. Write this letter as if you are writing it to a friend. Write everything you are grateful for as well as everything you are grateful to be working towards. After you do this, read it aloud. I like to do this practice daily.
2. Meditate
Meditation is a difficult one and can be difficult for people, often we believe that the brain should turn off during meditation. However it is quite the opposite, often our mind will start racing, the buddhist call this monkey brain. It is important during this practice to notice whatever may be coming up for you without engaging or giving the thought energy. After bringing your attention back to your breathing. If this practice is hard for you start small. Start with five minutes and then slowly increase the more you practice. There are also a ton of videos online and apps that can help support you through your meditation.
3. Draw Your Backyard
Take this time to really connect with yourself and your garden. Notice the smells, what you feel in your body. Maybe how your skin feels in the sun etc. Mindfulness is all about giving ourselves a moment to pause and appreciate everything, the good, bad and everything in between. Allow yourself to express without judgment.(If you don’t have a yard pick somewhere in nature)
4. Mindful Eating
Really make your food an experience here. Just like meditation, focus on every sensation. How does it taste, how does it feel etc. Be present. Thank yourself for the nutrition!
5. Some Areas of My Life I'd Like to Improve Are:
Here is a simple Practice, set your intentions. Setting goals will help us be more mindful of actually making them happen. If you want to add an artistic flare to this exercise, turn this list into a vision board. This is a super fun activity for date night, girls night or just a little self care for you!
6. Declutter Your Space
When decluttering the mind it can be helpful to have our living spaces match this energy. Get rid of all the things making energy shifts in your space, I promise you don’t need those pants that are too small on you that you keep as motivation. Focus on the now.
7. Some Thoughts and Beliefs I Repeat In My Head Constantly Are:
Good and bad, this is about bringing attention to our critical voice. Be honest with yourself. Remember NO JUDGMENT.
8. In What Ways Do I Impact Others Around Me Each Day?
Notice your value: if this is hard examine that. Start small if you can only think of two things that’s okay. Continue to revisit this exercise as you move through the practice. I like to make positivity jars for myself where I put little notes of wins I had over a whole year and read them at the end of the year. Sometimes we let the good we do go unnoticed, this time is for you.
9. Create Your Own Mandala
Mandala’s have been known for their meditative properties, they have been recognized by psychologists like Carl Jung for their therapeutic benefits. While creating your mandala again notice what maybe coming up for you.
10. What Are My Biggest Fears and How Do They Hold Me Back?
Again, full transparency here. Want to go even deeper with this exercise? Follow this question up with why do I have these fears? Where did they start?
11. How Can I Better Take Care of Myself?
SELF CARE!!! Do I even need to explain? Not only should you write what you can do for yourself here but also examine what you can do in order to start integrating these things into your day to day.
12. Dance Around in the Mirror
Spirituality states that our hips hold a ton of our trauma. Moving these parts of yourself will help you release some of those big feelings. Pay attention to whatever comes up for you. You may feel awkward or may even feel uncomfortable with seeing your body moving through the mirror. Pay attention to this, bring awareness to it. Meet it with the question why as well as some compassion.
13. Take a Rest Day
Everything needs rest, even you! It is scientifically proven that we are more productive when we rest, this helps us avoid burnout. There is an awesome book called “How to Do Nothing” by Jenny Odell that further explains this.
14. Do Some Yoga
Yoga is a wonderful practice for mindfulness, if its not your thing though do something else to get that blood pumping.This can be walking around your neighborhood or HIIT, whatever makes you feel good! Examine how your body feels before and after your workout.
15. I Feel Fulfilled and Truly Alive When:
Cultivating happiness. Abraham Hicks has a ton of videos speaking of the importance of following our happiness. Happiness is our driving force so lets bring our awareness to it.
Long Island is celebrated for its iconic white sandy beaches. But did you know we also have some excellent places for a day walk or hike?
As a Nassau resident who grew up on a brook near conservation land in northern New England, I must admit, I had my doubts about falling in love with the scenery across Long Island. But I’ll admit it – Long Island is spectacular in the summertime (I still think New Hampshire is unbeatable for autumn foliage, though, and yes you can debate with me about that one!). As time has passed, I have been happily surprised to find some great day trips across Suffolk and Nassau.
If you are willing to bundle up, consider even doing a beach stroll in the winter! Bring your binoculars. You will be rewarded with waterfowl which have come thousands of miles south from the tundra, including my personal favorite, the exquisite long-tailed duck. You may also see grey and harbor seals!
Here is a list of some of my favorite places to go hiking or walking on Long Island – as well as a few other things, such as horseback-riding!
Places to Walk or Hike in Suffolk County
Sunken Meadow State Park - Smithtown
A familiar favorite located on the Long Island Sound, Sunken Meadow is one of the more accessible parks for people with limited mobility thanks to its long, sturdy boardwalk. It features three miles of beaches, along with six miles of hiking trails. Want to horseback ride? There are bridal paths, too. There is also a golf course.
Sunken Meadow also has softball and soccer fields, along with playgrounds, making it an excellent choice for families who may want to do more than spend their entire day solely on the beach.
Are you curious about foraging? This is one of the locations where the famous forager “Wildman” Steve Brill offers classes. He will show you which plants are edible, which to avoid, and what to do if you contact with poison ivy. I have taken a Wildman class at Sunken Meadow, and it was quite informative!
Long Island Greenbelt Trail – various locations
I will admit it – I have not done the Greenbelt in its entirety. But there is no way I could skip mentioning the ultimate of the Long Island hikes.
The Greenbelt is an impressive 32 miles long, running parallel to the Connetquot and Nissequogue Rivers. The trail varies in terrain, at times being a boardwalk and then changing over to sand. It also has numerous trails with break away from the main one, allowing for this to be a hike or walk that can be experienced many times.
Blydenburgh County Park - Smithtown
Blydenburgh is another popular, family and dog-friendly destination. In addition to scenic views for walks, Blydenburg offers birding, fishing, and horseback riding. Rowboat rentals are available from mid-May to Labor Day. Finally, tent and RV sites are available for campers from April 1st through November 11th.
The six-mile walk around New Mill Pond is easy for families, and is beautiful in the autumn during peak foliage.
Blydenberg is $7.00 for Suffolk residents and $15 for non-residents.
West Hills County Park – Melville
West Hills is a historical park which reaches Jayne’s Hill, a beloved spot by Walt Whitman and near his birthplace. At 400 feet elevation, this is the highest point on Long Island; it is a 2.4 mile loop considered easy and possible to complete in about 55 minutes. Ideally, this hike is most suitable in the autumn.
Caumsett State Park – Huntington
Caumsett is a large park with various activities. It features an impressive stable and dairy complex, excellent trails for biking, paved trails to walk with a stroller, and even snowshoeing and cross-country skiing trails.
This is also a beautiful park for a walk or hiking, as the wooded areas gradually elevate to be the tops of sand dunes that then look down into the water. As you continue along the trail, you will descend at a seashell-bountiful beach.
Wertheim National Wildlife Refuge – Shirley
Wertheim is one of the few protected, undeveloped estuaries on Long Island. It offers rich biodiversity, perfect for those most interested in seeing wildlife.
Unlike most of the parks and preserves here, Wertheim is not best in the summer or early fall, but rather in late October through early April. This is the time for the most ideal wildlife-viewing, with migratory waterfowl who winter here. Come the early springtime, there will be migratory warblers and other such songbirds. However, all year, you may encounter red fox, white-tailed deer or wild turkey.
Personally, I find Wertheim to be most precious on the water. The placid waters of the Carmans River meander through cattails and reeds, offering a smooth and almost effortless paddle. You are guaranteed to see great wildlife, such as the green heron. Additionally, you may choose to stop at Indian Landing, a small beach where you can take a swim to cool down, or you can continue onto the Great South Bay.
This is my favorite place on all Long Island to launch my paddleboard or kayak. Thanks to being in a refuge, I do not have to deal with wakes or noise. It is also beautiful from the start since to get to the refuge you must go under two bridges, the first being a nesting site for tree swallows.
You can either launch from the free boat launch (although I warn you, the path is muddy and completely unmaintained) or you can use spend $10 to use the dock at Carmans River Canoe & Kayak II. I recommend the later as it is much easier.
Bayard Cutting Arboretum – Great River/Timber Point Park - Oakdale
Bayard Cutting may be the most famous of all the locations I have mentioned, thus, I will not get into detail. Simply put, Bayard Cutting is the place to go if you want to walk and see gorgeous flora – along with Planting Fields in in Oyster Bay.
While I do love Bayard Cutting (who doesn’t?), what draws me there more is not so much the arboretum itself, but rather the picturesque Connetquot River which runs alongside it. In fact, after the Carmans River, this is my other favorite waterway for kayaking and paddleboarding on Long Island.
To paddle -- Drive down to Timer Point Park in Oakdale to launch your water vessel, which you can then paddle toward Bayard Cutting if going left. You can continue beyond Bayard to the many different canals which meander through town. Once you get to around Paradise Island, I recommend you cut straight through the river toward the canal on the other side, rather than continue straight, as this will offer a much longer, quieter, and more interesting experience. Going this way, you will eventually cut through marshland which will eventually lead you out at the canal next to the Snapper Inn. From there, cut straight across the river (be cautious of boats) and you will get right back to the launch.
As an alternative route, you may also go right which will take you to the bay. There is an island where you can relax. However, I do not recommend this route unless you are experienced due to the rapid changes in water conditions and because you will be dealing with wakes caused by jet skis and powerboats.
Places to Walk or Hike in Nassau County
Trail View State Park - Woodbury
The Stillwell Woods Loop, located at Trail View State Park, is a 7-mile loop considered to be of moderate difficulty. It can be completed in around 3 hours. However, what truly sets Trail View apart from other Long Island hiking trails is that it has more range in intensity and elevation – giving it a different feel than the typical flat trails. For the avid hiker, this is one of the few trails where they can truly say “this is a hike, not a walk” and feel challenged.
The park itself skirts Bethpage State Park and Cold Spring Harbor State Park. Thus, you can spend a day (or even two!) hiking and doing other nature-based activities.
Sands Point Preserve – Port Washington
Sands Point is one of the lovelier parks in Nassau County. The Loop is a 2-mile walk that is popular for birders. There are also cliffs overlooking the water, which offers a great opportunity for photographers.
Sands Point also hosts special events, such as yoga.
The price is $4 per person or $10 per car.
Cedar Creek Park – Seaford
Cedar Creek is a 259-acre park best for families and sporting.
Cedar Creek has an excellent playground. It has been voted the best playground across all Long Island in both Long Press and on News 12. Also, a fun activity for the children includes a roller-skating rink.
There are eight handball courts, three basketball courts, and various athletic fields (please note the fields must be reserved and include a Leisure Pass, insurance and permit, and fee). Also of particular interest, there is an archery range open to the public but note you must bring your own equipment.
Additionally, there are paths suitable for walking, jogging, and biking. There are entrances from Cedar Creek to both Tobay Beach and Jones Beach. If you want to get a challenging work-out followed by crisp, relaxing water, consider doing this bike ride!
Massapequa Preserve - Massapequa
Massapequa Preserve spans across an impressive 423 acres. Some parts of the park are frequented by bikers, so do exercise caution if you want to be here for a leisurely walk. However, should you go onto one of the quieter trails, you will quickly be rewarded by various species of deciduous trees as well as some endemic birds. I myself have spotted many different birds here, ranging from various species of warblers to the occasional northern flicker, a unique-looking woodpecker. There is also a popular residential wood duck drake.
Massapequa Preserve is where I offer the majority of my forest therapy sessions. You may read more about that on this blog post: https://liemdr.com/forest-therapy/
Muttontown Preserve – Muttontown
At 550 acres, Muttontown Preserve is by far the largest nature preserve on Long Island. It offers many different ecosystems ranging from upland forests to woodlands to waterways, offering a spectacular opportunity to see different birds, including characteristic species such as the chestnut-sided warbler, indigo bunting, Baltimore oriole, and American woodcock. If you are lucky, you may also spot a great-horned owl or screech owl.
Preparation for Walks and Hikes
Personally, I do not think you will need top-notch gear for almost any Long Island trail… or even gear at all. Disclaimer - I am quite a hiker – I have summited Black Elk Peak in South Dakota, scrambled waterfalls in the Rocky Mountains, traversed the rock fields of Mount Washington, and even backpacked the Alaskan tundra. That said, I do have some impressive gear which has been needed.
But here on Long Island? To be honest, I leave most of my gear at home! For my adventures here, I am fine with a water bottle with a shoulder strap, along with an ultralight daypack. I also pack the following essentials: sunscreen, bug spray, first aid kit, a protein-packed snack, birding binoculars, and my homemade jewelweed salve (for contact with poison ivy). Sometimes I will bring a plant or bird ID guide.
I do recommend appropriate footwear, but hiking boots are overkill unless you need the ankle support. I have a pair of Teva’s which I wore for many years before eventually retiring them. I then bought a pair from LLBean which cost considerably less but seem to be just as durable.
In addition, dress in layers and make sure you have a light raincoat available just in case. Do not wear cotton.
Important Links for Further Information
Camping in Suffolk County
https://www.suffolkcountyny.gov/Departments/Parks/Things-To-Do/Camping/Annual-Group-Lottery
Kayaking, Paddleboarding, and Canoeing in Suffolk County
https://www.suffolkcountyny.gov/Departments/Parks/Things-To-Do/Canoeing-and-Kayaking
Horseback-Riding Sites in Suffolk with a Suffolk Green Card and Riding Permit
https://www.suffolkcountyny.gov/Departments/Parks/Things-To-Do/Horseback-Riding
About the author, Valerie Smith, LMSW
Valerie Smith, LMSW, CFTG, is a therapist, social worker, and certified forest therapy guide at Long Island EMDR under the supervision of our clinical director, Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW. Valerie possesses a bachelor and master's degree in social work from Adelphi University and Fordham University, both from which she graduated summa cum laude. Valerie is also a certified forest therapy guide through the Association of Nature and Forest Therapy (ANFT), where she trained in the Rocky Mountains to master sensory-based, mindful activities through a biophilic perspective. Valerie is passionate about the health benefits of a plant-based diet as well as holistic wellness. Valerie is trained in EMDR and TF-CBT, with experience in DBT-informed skills. She focuses her treatment on adolescent girls and young women with C-PTSD and PTSD. Additionally, she helps people with life-threatening disease and their caregivers. Finally, she works alongside those experiencing grief and bereavement, especially young adults who lost one or both of their parents/guardians.
Although more recently popularized at the turn of the millennium, meditation was first documented in 5000 B.C. via cave art, which depicted people sitting crossed legged with their eyes halfway closed. During recent years as scientific advancements have made the study of meditation more accessible, therapists and doctors are suggesting it be implemented into your daily routine.
This is no wonder given the scientific benefits of meditation. There is evidence to show that it actually changes the chemistry of the brain, which leads to improved physiological and psychological reactions to stress. Brain-imaging studies reveal that meditation not only changes the brain’s structure, but it also changes the brain’s activation patterns, altering activation of brain regions involved with emotional regulation, attention, and self-awareness.
Despite the numerous proven benefits of meditation for mental health, this coping skill can be challenging to put into practice for a number of reasons. Based on my own personal experience and experience as a therapist, some of the common challenges to implementing regular meditation practice include difficulties finding time to slow down, the lack of a non-distracting environment available, the challenge of slowing down thoughts while meditating, and the frustrations with lack of progress. The majority of these challenges can be mitigated with one simple suggestion-managing our expectations about meditation.
Meditation is counterintuitive to our culture. We are constantly on the go, priding ourselves in our ability to multitask and fit as many activities as we can into one day. When we are not “doing,” we are on our phones and other devices and rarely engaging in the present moment. Even entertainment throughout recent years reflects our limited attention spans, as movies and television have gotten increasingly more action-packed and faster moving. However, although these factors may make meditation seem difficult to put into practice, they actually serve as proof that we need meditation more now than ever.
Meditation does not have to involve sitting cross legged with hands in prayer and chanting for it to be effective. Meditation should fit the individual, starting with small and reasonable objectives. The purpose of meditation is to bring your body and mind to the present moment. A good way to start is by counting your breaths. State to yourself, “Breathe in….breathe out….1; Breath in…breathe out…2.” See how high you can count without getting distracted. In the beginning, you may only reach 5 or 10, but with time and commitment you will see your progress. Be patient with yourself.
Another technique that can be beneficial is implementing the use of guided meditations. There are many applications and YouTube videos that offer free guided meditations for a variety of topics. Start with a 2-minute meditation, and work your way up to a 5-minute meditation. It is better to start small and be successful than to set your standards too high and fail to achieve them.
A third strategy that can get you started on your journey is what is referred to as “moving meditation.” This involves engaging in an activity while being fully engaged in said activity, such as walking, dancing, riding a bike, cooking, or any other task that engages your five senses. While completing the activity, focus intently on what you are doing rather than your internal dialogue. This will take constant redirection back to the present until you gain the ability to do so.
Meditation can be challenging, however the more you practice the more you will build up your mental muscle. The most important thing is to be open minded and kind to yourself along this journey. The amount of peace and feelings of well-being waiting for you on the other side is worth the wait.
Relaxation is defined as the state of being free from tension and anxiety. Relaxation has many health benefits, both mental and physical. Some examples include reducing symptoms of anxiety and depression, lowering heart rate and blood pressure, improving concentration and mood, reducing fatigue, reducing anger and frustration, and boosting confidence to handle problems. So, what are some simple things you can do to help feel more relaxed? Here are some ideas!
1. Breathe
We’re always breathing, but sometimes when we’re stressed or overwhelmed our breathing rate is affected. You may find yourself holding your breath, taking shallow breaths, or even hyperventilating. When this happens, you’re most likely adding to the stress response in your body, or in other words, making things worse.
Breathing exercises are one of the easiest relaxation strategies and there are many different ways to do them, but here’s one example. Sit or lay in a quiet, comfortable space. Breathe in to a slow count of three, hold for a slow count of three, and then exhale to the same slow count of three. Repeat this five times, or as long as you need to feel relaxed.
2. Meditate
During meditation, the goal is to focus your attention and eliminate any jumbled thoughts that may be causing you stress. Meditation is a great way to bring yourself to a deep state of relaxation. And thanks to the internet, tips and resources for meditating are always readily available at your fingertips. Check out some guided meditations on YouTube, or research some apps like “Calm” and “Insight Timer.” There’s also a series on Netflix called “Headspace” where you can find some useful information about meditation and being mindful!
3. Write Down Your Thoughts
If you’re feeling overwhelmed with your own thoughts, it may help to get your mind off things by writing them down. If you prefer handwriting, get yourself a notebook or some scrap paper, but you can also do this on a computer or smartphone if that’s easier for you. When you’re feeling stressed, take a few minutes to write down short notes about how you’re feeling or how your day is going. And you don’t have to worry about things like grammar and spelling. Just focus on expressing yourself to help release some of that stress!
4. Get Outside
Being outside in nature has many health benefits, and helping us relax is one of them. When you’re feeling stressed, spending even a few minutes outside can help you feel better. You can go for a short walk, read a book at the beach, or simply find a comfortable place to sit outside and take in all of nature’s beauty.
5. Listen to Your Favorite Music
Music can affect our emotions in different ways, and it has been shown that just listening to music has relaxation benefits. If we listen to calming music, we can expect our mind and body to follow suit and feel more relaxed. It has also been proven that upbeat, cheerful music causes our brains to produce chemicals like dopamine and serotonin, which makes us feel happy. So if you’re feeling stressed out, put on your favorite playlist and turn it up. Go ahead, sing along! You know you want to.
6. Laugh
We’ve all heard the quote, ‘laughter is the best medicine.’ But why is that such a popular phrase? Science has shown that laughing not only decreases stress hormones, but can also increase immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies. Quite literally medicine! Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. So, if you’re not feeling so good, call up a friend who you know will make you laugh, or put on a funny video that you know will get a few giggles out of you.
7. Start Planning a Trip
Take a break and start browsing some vacation spots. We all need to take a vacation from work every once in a while, but taking a break from life is just as important! Even if it’s just a day trip somewhere local- schedule some time to disconnect from all of life’s stressors and be in the present moment. You won’t regret it!
In the chaos and rush of the modern world, do you feel stressed, tired, and disconnected? Do you experience racing thoughts, feel “on edge” to meet the demands of a deadline, or yearn for a break? If so, forest therapy is for you! Forest therapy is found to reduce the production of cortisol, a stress hormone.
Do you experience depression or anxiety?
Forest therapy can help. It is clinically supported to improve cognition and mood.
Do you struggle to concentrate or pay attention?
Forest therapy is shown to improve directed attention and boost executive functioning skills.
Do you love the outdoors, but have limitations due to mobility challenges or a significant health issue?
Yes, forest therapy is for you, too. Unlike hiking, forest therapy is a slow walk, generally in an accessible area, which makes it suitable for various populations. Forest therapy can even be done remotely, only requiring access to a window.
Do you want to improve your physical health?
Forest therapy is evidenced to lower blood pressure, improve cardiovascular health, boost immune system function, and even combat cells associated with cancer risk.
And finally… do you want to try forest therapy, but fear the possibility of injury, illness, or accident?
All forest therapy guides (or “guides”) are required to be certified in Wilderness First Aid and Infant/Child/Adult CPR, at minimum. They also have training in herbalism, thus can teach you of edible and medicinal plants.
At Long Island EMDR, we proudly have a certified forest therapy guide, Valerie Smith, LMSW, who's been trained by the world’s leading school on the topic pf Forest Therapy.
Join Valerie in experiencing simple yet powerful techniques to help you feel whole and well again, while celebrating our kinship with the earth. Mindful and bodyful practices that bring about serenity and can foster a newfound awakening for what is most significant to you. Valerie will lead you through sensory encounters which allow for care, compassion, and connection toward yourself and all other beings in this world.
What is a Forest Therapy Walk?
A forest therapy walk (hereon also referred to as forest therapy for simplicity purposes), is a platform for fostering wellness, healing, and wholeness through engagement in natural settings. Forest therapy is inspired by the Japanese practice of shinrin-yoku (“forest bathing”), but they are not synonymous concepts.
Research indicates forest bathing carries a myriad of health advantages in the immune and cardiovascular systems, as well as psychological benefits such as mood improvement. From this foundation, forest bathing seeks to move beyond the health benefits alone and to instead celebrate that humankind is in kinship with nature, not above or separate from it.
Forest therapy is a practice; a gateway to allow a relationship of reciprocity to develop and strengthen, whereby the guide and forest (or other setting) partner together to allow for both to feel complete. The guide is useful in that they can navigate the participants through a particular sequence of events that provide a foundation for the experience. However, there are no set expectations of what should or could happen – participants are given freedom to interpret the experiences as they desire.
Forest therapy is about creating relationships between humans and the more-than-human world, in which the relationship itself becomes a source of healing and joyful well-being. Besides being a deeply healing practice, Forest Therapy is also an emerging community of friends and activists who are making a global impact. As we learn to love the forests, this connection leads naturally to an ethic of tenderness and reciprocity, we become more engaged in working for their well-being.
Most importantly, such walks are focused on the heart rather than the brain, and they celebrate the significance of the kinship between humans and nature. Forest therapy walks are effective, non-prescriptive, and simple, which encourages each participant to have the experience on their own terms and to bring meaning to it all on their own accord, rather than expecting the participant to feel or think a certain way. As a result, forest therapy should never be mistaken for psychotherapy, which is about the treatment of a diagnosis and/or life issue.
Ultimately, the aim for all forest therapy guides is to serve as the “doorway” between humans and other beings, in which the relationship becomes the source of healing and serenity. And so by having a reciprocal relationship with the more-than-human world, we all benefit in increased connection and wellbeing — from the smallest mushroom to the grandest of trees.
“And into the forest I go, to lose my mind and find my soul.” – John Muir
Forest Therapy is Not...
Forest therapy should not be confused with hiking. When a person hikes, they tend to have a set destination in mind. They want to ascend to the summit of the mountain, reach that hidden beach, or traverse that one crevice at the top of the mesa. Hiking also tends to be a timed event, with people competing against each other for the newest record.
Forest therapy is different because it uses the aspects of nature in a way that amplifies our senses to let us know the forest in a new way. For one, a forest therapy walk is slow and usually is restricted to a small area. A walk can last for up to 3 hours and the entire experience can be held in a few acres. Furthermore, beings are not things to be passed by on by, but rather to be recognized and explored. Beings are not only organisms, such as the birds and the plants, but also include abiotic entities such as rocks, sunshine, and weather.
Thus, it is more appropriate to think of such forest therapy walks as sensory immersions to foster mindfulness and body-fulness in a natural setting. Whereas mindfulness is about awareness of the present moment without judgment, body-fulness is for harboring that awareness through the senses and experiences within the body. The immersion is done through a sequence of invitations (activities) that participants are allowed to adapt if needed.
Finally, forest therapy should never be mistaken for psychotherapy, which is about the treatment of a diagnosis and/or life issue.
Health Benefits of Forest Therapy
As was previously stated, forest therapy is inspired by shinrin-yoku.
Shinrin-yoku is a wellness practice that came from Japan in the 1980s by the Ministry of Health to promote improved health across the urbanized, changing population. At the time, Japan was transforming into a technological leader, which the government noted was resulting in diseases related to sedentary lifestyles and chronic stress.
Over the next two decades, Japanese research has showcased the myriad health benefits of forest bathing. These include, but are not limited to:
• Lower stress
• Reduce blood pressure
• Improve metabolic and cardiovascular health
• Weight loss/weight management
• Lower blood sugar levels Improve memory and concentration
• Improve mood disorders, especially depression
• Increase pain tolerance
• Boost energy
• Improve the immune system with an increase in natural killer (NK) cells
In more recent years, research across the United States and the United Kingdom has supported the association between time spent in nature and directed attention. Directed attention is one of the primary functions of the frontal lobe in the brain, which is also in control of other executive functions like critical thinking and problem-solving. The stressors of modern living burden us with attention demands that are more exhausting versus that of mankind in the past. This is a reason why we may “space out” when trying to complete a task, feel sluggish, or struggle to concentrate. Much like a computer needs to be rebooted when it freezes, so too, do our brains.
Fortunately, through immersion in nature, the executive functions of our brains are allowed to rest and become replenished. This results in improved directed attention later. In addition, nature experiences offer other psychological benefits such as overall improvement in mood, including in people with depressive disorders.
Perhaps most fascinating of all, ongoing research from Nippon University suggests that phytoncides, the chemicals found within conifers and some other plants, may be effective in cancer prevention. When breathed in, the phytoncides fight infection while also increasing the number of NK cells, which increase anti-cancer proteins.
For more information on the health benefits of shinrin-yoku, along with links to the studies to support the research, please click here.
Want a Forest Therapy Walk?
Valerie Smith hosts forest therapy walks throughout Suffolk and Nassau. These walks are open to the public; thus, you do not need to be a client at Long Island EMDR to participate. Bring your friends and family!
Please note: All walks require prior registration, payment, and completion of paperwork. Valerie cannot accommodate “walk-ins”.
To learn more and/or to arrange a walk, contact valerie@ericam206.sg-host.com
Because therapy and mental health are much more than just showing up every week!
What we know and understand about mental health has come a long way in recent years. Between that and everything else going on in the world, it’s no surprise that many people have been more open to receiving mental health treatment. This is great news, but it can also be hard to know where to start and how to get the most of this to improve mental health, especially if this is your first time in therapy. So, where do you begin?
1. Do your mental health related research
It’s always a good idea to do a little bit of research to find a therapist that best suits your needs. Although most therapists are educated and trained on a wide range of issues, some therapists have spent a lot of time working with specific populations and consider that to be their ‘specialty.’ If you’re seeking help for a specific issue, it may be beneficial to see someone who already has experience in that area.
In addition, it’s very important that you feel comfortable with your therapist. People usually go to therapy to discuss challenging things in their lives and mental health issues, and if you’re not comfortable with the person sitting across from you, it will only make talking about those things more difficult. Most therapists post a little bit about themselves in a bio online, or even write blog posts like this one about things that interest them! Doing research about different therapists can give you an idea if he/she would be a good fit for you.
And if you find yourself working with a therapist that you feel isn’t a good fit, speak up about it! Chances are your therapist will be understanding and can even provide referrals for other therapists in the area.
2. Think about you’re mental health goals and what you're hoping to get out of therapy
You will most likely start your first appointment by discussing what brings you to therapy and some of your history. It can be helpful if you’ve already put some thought into the issues you’re hoping to address. Are you looking to change some negative behaviors, or learn healthy coping skills? Maybe you want to improve your interpersonal relationships by learning better communication skills, or manage symptoms of anxiety or depression. Whatever it is you’re looking to address, being prepared with clear goals can help keep your sessions focused so you’re getting the most of your time each week. It can also help to think about any significant experiences from your past that may be impacting you currently, as that can be helpful information that therapists will want to know about you.
3. Don’t be afraid to ask questions
Therapy is a safe place where you should feel comfortable sharing your deepest insecurities or struggles. You should also feel comfortable enough to speak up and ask questions if something isn’t making sense to you or isn’t working for you. Your therapist can only work with the information you bring to the session, so if you feel like those breathing exercises you keep talking about each week just aren’t working, be honest and say that. Then we can try to explore what isn’t working with the breathing exercises, or maybe even discuss different calming techniques altogether.
Therapy is also a great place to practice things like communication skills, setting or enforcing boundaries, and being assertive (like saying ‘hey, these breathing exercises aren’t working for me!’). If these are things you struggle with, discuss it with your therapist so they can be sure to address these issues during the session.
4. Be positive but also realistic
It’s a pretty common misconception that you’ll receive some advice from a therapist in one or two sessions and you’ll be able to apply that advice to your life and move on. It’s important to understand that therapy is a process that often requires some patience. For some people it takes more than one or two sessions to even feel comfortable enough to discuss some of those deepest insecurities, and that’s okay. Treatment will be ongoing. There’s no set number of sessions and it can differ for everyone.
It can be helpful to approach therapy with curiosity. Be curious about the ways you currently behave, think, and feel. Have you experienced anything in life that may be contributing to these behaviors, thoughts, and feelings?
5. Do your homework
Therapy is much more than simply showing up for your session each week. Some therapists may give ‘homework assignments’ hoping to keep you engaged in between sessions. Homework could be asking you to journal and reflect on certain areas of your life. It may be simply noticing when something you discussed in session comes up, or even practicing certain skills like breathing exercises, grounding techniques, and self-care, all which help improve mental health.
Even if your therapist doesn’t assign you specific tasks, you should still be putting in work outside of session. Therapy is a great place to receive tips, guidance, and education about things you’re struggling with, but the actual change takes place when you start applying those tips to your everyday life.
There are many differences between experiencing trauma as an adult and experiencing trauma as a child. One difference is that experiencing a stressful event as a child can cause an everlasting impact throughout adulthood. This everlasting impact is what affects the ‘inner child’ when those children become adults. The inner child is something that exists within everyone. It is the playful, fun, cheerful, hurt, as well as saddened child we once were. Any traumatic or stressful event that was experienced as a child is remembered by the body, and that is how it continues to affect us into adulthood.
"A child who does not play is not a child, but the man who does not play has lost forever the child who lived in him." - Pablo Neruda
The obstacle to overcome when attempting to heal the inner child is being able to understand, connect with, and accept the child within. Inner child wounds can be because of abuse that was experienced as a child, neglect, distressful events, loss of a loved one at an early age, as well as many more. Tending to the inner child can allow for growth and prosperity for later life.
Some Signs That Your Inner Child May Be Impacting You:
- Having feelings of shame, guilt, inner restlessness
- Having feelings of worthlessness, never feeling satisfied with self
- Negative self-talk
- Having the need to be a perfectionist with responsibilities or tasks
- Self-sabotage, self-destructive behaviors
- Excessive work ethic
- A pattern of unhealthy/unstable relationships
- Chronic overworking and overachievement (to knowingly or unknowingly gain approval, praise or belonging)
- Not being able to be in the here and now (present moment)
Taking steps towards healing the inner child can be done with seeking therapy, practicing mindfulness skills, as well as increasing one’s own level of self-awareness. Navigating inner child work with a therapist can allow you to work through that trauma, distressing memories and emotions. Working through these events can be distressing in and of itself, though having someone who is trained to support people with these types of issues can allow for many doors to open. The goal of inner child work within therapy is to explore these past events, with an emphasis on early memories to learn skills on how to regulate the self.
Some Inner Child Mindfulness Practice:
Self love is a concept that was first promoted by the Beat Generation of the 1950s, and again in the early 1960s during what was known as the “Hippie Era.” self love has gained popularity in recent years due to psychological research finding it an essential component for positive mental health and well-being. Even despite its rise in popularity, self love can be a challenging concept for many, often confused with being egotistical, self-indulgent, or too “touchy feely”. Despite the many misconceptions regarding self love that exist, the truth of the matter is that self love is a critical part of recovering from mental health challenges. Without self love, it will be extremely difficult to believe you are worth implementing the healthy strategies will allow you to feel better. Here are some simple techniques that can assist you on your journey toward unconditional self love.
1. Engage in Self-Reflection.
We often spend much time and energy moving from one distraction to the next. Taking time out of our busy schedules for self-reflection is an important part of learning to love yourself unconditionally. After all, how can you truly love what you don’t know? Self-reflection can be very simple-taking 5 minutes of your day to sit quietly and assess how you are feeling, journaling, meditating, sitting in nature, or deep breathing. Anything that can stop the noise of your mind and connect you to the present moment can be a great way to get in touch with your true self and bring you closer to loving yourself.
2. Be Kind to Yourself.
Be mindful of the way you treat yourself. “Bring the mind, and the body will follow.” This is a common saying that holds true on the journey toward self love. Often this means going outside of our comfort zone and making positive decisions for ourselves despite not feeling that we deserve it. Increase your healthy intake-be it people, conversation, self-talk, food, exercise, or rest. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend or loved one; with kindness, compassion, and patience. Although this may feel unnatural, by treating yourself this way you are proving that you are worthy of love and respect, and doing so consistently will allow this belief to sink in.
3. Forgive Your Mistakes.
You are human and are bound to make mistakes. If there is a name for what you did, someone else has done it. Giving yourself permission to be human is one of the greatest gifts you can give. Forgiveness is not an easy journey, however letting go of the past allows you room to become the person you are truly meant to be. Someone who forgives and loves themselves is also less likely to hurt others in the future. One strategy is writing down a letter of apology to those you’ve harmed, including yourself. You can make amends to others when enough time has passed, and to do so will not cause additional harm. Most of all, let go and remind yourself that you are much more than a few bad decisions.
4. Maintain Healthy Relationships.
People are not born hating themselves. Oftentimes, a lack of self love comes from life experiences/relationships that cause you to internalize the belief that you are not good enough or defective in some way. Take note of the relationships in your life and how they make you feel. Everyone is accountable for their own happiness; however, some individuals (due to their own flaws) can trigger feelings of unworthiness in us. Work on setting healthy boundaries with these people, and focus the majority of your attention and energy on pursuing relationships that allow you to feel safe, happy, and cared for.
5. Accepting Yourself as you are Right Now.
Everyone is a work in progress. It is easy to fall into the trap of “I’ll love myself when…” and fill in the blank with whatever goal or next level we want to reach. There is always going to be room for improvement, so don’t waste time putting off loving yourself. After all, achieving your goals will be a lot easier with the help of self love. Stop comparing yourself to others, or telling yourself you “should” be a certain way. You are exactly who you are meant to be at this moment. Embrace the journey.
Poor mental health can affect so many parts of your life including your relationships with others, your
performance at work, and even day-to-day tasks such as daily hygiene. Daily hygiene such as
taking a shower, brushing your teeth, and doing your laundry may seem like simple tasks for
some, but for someone struggling with mental illness these same tasks can feel like pushing a
300-pound boulder up a hill. But why?
Why does mental health make it so hard to take a shower?
For starters, depression is often characterized by diminished interest in activities and feeling
fatigued. In other words, you probably have little motivation or energy to maintain your hygiene
when you’re feeling depressed. But depression isn’t the only mental health diagnosis that affects
daily hygiene. Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, and PTSD have all been linked to
negative impacts on daily hygiene.
So what can you do when mental illness is affecting your hygiene?
For starters, you can try some of these techniques:
If taking a shower seems like a lot of work, try starting by just standing under the water for a
minute. Yes, you may not be as clean as if you used soap, but it will make the task of showering
seem less intimidating and can help you both physically and mentally.
Think convenience! Use things like antiperspirant, dry shampoo and wipes regularly. You can
buy cleaning wipes (usually made for kids) almost anywhere, and they don’t require any water!
If you have days where taking a shower seems like too much work, there’s no shame in doing
what you can to maintain hygiene.
If you absolutely cannot bring yourself to brush your teeth, use mouthwash with extra fluoride
and rinse liberally for as long as you can. You can also take more preventative measures such as
using a toothpaste with extra fluoride so you have extra protection when you do brush, and visit
the dentist for more consistent checkups (say every 6 months versus every year).
If you’re struggling to do your laundry, ask for help. A friend or family member may be willing
to help you tackle the overwhelming pile of laundry that’s been building for the last few weeks.
If you have social supports, utilize them! You can also use this as a time to catch up with your
loved ones.
What if all of these are still too overwhelming?
If you’re struggling to practice hygiene even when you know you should, you may need help.
In general, you should reach out for help if an issue is making it difficult to function. If your poor
hygiene is starting to affect things like work, school, personal relationships, or your health,
consider contacting a professional. A therapist can help you further explore your struggles with
hygiene, and provide you with appropriate skills to make managing your hygiene a little bit
easier. If you think psychotherapy may benefit you, feel free to reach out to our office to
schedule an appointment.