Have you ever wondered how childhood trauma impacts adolescents or adults? Do you find yourself asking yourself how much your childhood has a impact on your relationships today? Childhood experiences, both positive and negative, have major impact on our emotional development and how we continue to interact in the relationships around us. 

Childhood is where our attachment styles are developed and our parents are our primary attachment figures. The way they respond to us in childhood shapes our worldview, or perception of the world, and how we expect others to respond, relate and interact with us. This is the foundation of whether or not a child will feel the world is safe and whether or not those around them will accept them.

Erikson called this our view of “trust or mistrust”. Is it a safe place to venture out and take emotional risks? Are all people generally good or are they out to hurt us and therefore untrustworthy? Can we trust others to support us in times of emotional need or crisis or do I need to rely on myself?

Complex trauma refers to the prolonged exposure to a stressful event, or repeated traumatic events layered on top of another. This would include children, who have grown up in physically, sexually, and/or emotionally absent or abusive households, as well as children who grew up in unsafe communities, an incarnated parent or a parent with mental health or substance use concerns.

How Childhood Trauma Continues to Effect us into Adulthood

The following are the four basic attachment styles. Please keep in mind that these descriptions are very general; not everyone will have all these characteristics. Attachment styles are relatively fluid and can be ever-changing depending on your partner’s own attachment style and the adaptations you make as you grow and learn.

Secure Attachment in Adults

These individuals usually grew up in a supportive environment where parents consistently responded to their needs. Securely attached individuals feel comfortable in their own skin, easily share feelings with partners and friends and seek out social support. These individuals have a generally positive outlook on life and seek physical and/or emotional intimacy with minimal fear of being rejected or overwhelmed.

Securely attached individuals, much like their parents were to them, are generally consistent and reliable in their behaviors toward their partner. They also tend to include their partner in decisions that could affect their relationship or life goals. 

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment in Adults

Children develop this attachment style when their primary caregivers are not emotionally responsive or are rejecting of their needs.

Children learn to pull away emotionally and be overly self-reliant, as means to avoid feelings of rejection. As adults, they become uncomfortable with emotional openness and downplay the importance of relationships.

These adults tend to place a high priority on their own independence from others and tend to be extremely self-reliant. They develop techniques to reduce feelings of being overwhelmed and defend themselves from perceived threats to their “independence.”

These techniques include, shutting down, sending mixed messages, and avoiding. These coping techniques end up becoming detrimental to their adult relationships.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment in Adults

Children who have developed this style of attachment may have been exposed to prolonged abuse and/or neglect. Their primary caregivers are a source of hurt, rather than fulfilling their vital role of providing support and comfort. 

As adults they see the value in having close relationships but due to the abuse they received have a difficult time trusting others. Due to this distrust, they avoid being emotionally vulnerable with others and have difficulty clearly expressing their wants and needs, as they fear it will lead to more hurt and rejection.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment in Adults:

Children with anxious-preoccupied attachment had caregivers who did not consistently meet their needs, as in their responses to the child were not consistent or predictable. Their parents were nurturing, caring and attentive at times but this was alternated with cold, rejecting or emotionally detached behaviors. 

This alternation between love and rejection makes it difficult for a child to know what to expect from day to day. These children then grow up to be adults who require a lot of connection, closeness and attention within their relationships, sometimes to the point of being “clingy.”

Individuals who have this attachment style may need more validation and approval from loved ones than the other attachment styles.

Neurobiology of Attachment and Childhood Trauma

As products of our own environments, adults will often find themselves repeating the same behaviors witnessed and experienced in childhood. This is because the neural pathways developed from childhood traumatic experiences shape keep us stuck in these unhealthy patterns and ways of relating.

To say all of this is not meant to place blame on caregivers for the types of relationships formed in your adult life. However, increasing awareness of your own attachment style can help you take those first steps towards recognizing patterns and improving your relationships as an adult. With newfound awareness you can move to form securely attached relationships with your partner and with your own children. 

Processing those difficult childhood memories of abuse and neglect can help you to make new neural connections with more adaptive experiences in your life and thus alter that inner-voice that keeps your stuck in poor patterns of behavior. 

Where to go From Here?

At Long Island EMDR, we understand how complex childhood trauma affects you as an adult, which is why we specialize in EMDR and trauma-focused therapies. We are here to help guide and support you through your journey of processing past hurts and forming healthier connections.

Keep Shining,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW 

Parenting is a challenging journey on its own, but it can become even more difficult when the parent has ADHD. The constant struggle to stay organized, focused, and on top of responsibilities can take a toll on both the parent and their child. However, there is hope. EMDR therapy, a unique and effective form of therapy, has shown promising results in helping parents with ADHD better manage their symptoms and become more confident and capable in their role as a parent. In this blog post, we will explore the struggles of parenting with ADHD and how EMDR therapy can be a valuable tool in navigating this challenge.

Understanding ADHD in Parents

Parenting is a challenging journey that requires patience, focus, and organization. But what happens when the parent themselves has ADHD? Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD, is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects both children and adults. It is characterized by difficulties in maintaining attention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. When a parent has ADHD, it can add an extra layer of complexity to the already demanding role of being a caregiver.

Additionally, ADHD can also impact a parent's ability to provide structure and consistency for their child. The lack of organization and planning can lead to inconsistency in parenting styles, which can be confusing for the child and create additional challenges in their development.

It's important to recognize that ADHD is a real and valid condition that requires understanding and support. By acknowledging and addressing the specific challenges that parents with ADHD face, we can begin to develop strategies and interventions that can help alleviate some of the burdens they face. In the next section, we will explore the struggles of parenting with ADHD in more detail, shedding light on the daily obstacles that parents with ADHD must overcome.

Struggles of Parenting with ADHD

Parenting is already a challenging task, but when a parent has ADHD, it can become even more overwhelming. The daily struggles of managing ADHD symptoms while also trying to meet the needs of your child can take a toll on both the parent and the child.

One of the main struggles for parents with ADHD is the difficulty in staying organized and focused. Simple tasks that seem easy for others can feel insurmountable for someone with ADHD. Time management becomes a constant battle, and feelings of frustration and guilt can easily arise. Juggling multiple responsibilities can be incredibly challenging, leaving parents feeling on edge and not good enough.

ADHD can also affect a parent's ability to provide structure and consistency for their child. The lack of organization and planning can lead to inconsistency in parenting styles, which can be confusing and unsettling for the child. This can create additional challenges in their development and may cause the child to struggle with routine and expectations.

Furthermore, the impulsivity that often accompanies ADHD can also be a struggle for parents. Impulsive reactions and decision-making can lead to unintended consequences and can make it difficult to maintain a calm and controlled environment for the child.

Overall, parenting with ADHD is a daily battle. However, it's important to remember that you are not alone. There are strategies and interventions available to help parents with ADHD navigate these challenges and become more confident and capable caregivers. In the next sections, we will explore the benefits of EMDR therapy, how it works, and finding a therapist to guide you through this unique form of therapy.

Benefits of EMDR Therapy for Parents with ADHD

EMDR therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, has shown promising benefits for parents with ADHD. This unique form of therapy can help alleviate the struggles that come with parenting while managing ADHD symptoms. Here are some of the benefits of EMDR therapy for parents with ADHD:

1. Reduction of ADHD symptoms: EMDR therapy has been found to be effective in reducing the symptoms of ADHD, such as difficulties with attention, focus, and impulsivity. Through targeted eye movements or other forms of bilateral stimulation, EMDR therapy helps reprocess traumatic memories and negative beliefs that may contribute to ADHD symptoms.

2. Improved executive functioning: EMDR therapy can enhance executive functioning skills, such as organization, planning, and time management. By addressing underlying emotional issues and working through past traumas, parents can develop new coping strategies and improve their ability to stay organized and focused.

5. Long-lasting results: EMDR therapy has been found to have long-lasting effects. Many parents report continued improvements in their ADHD symptoms and parenting abilities even after therapy has ended. This means that the benefits of EMDR therapy can extend beyond the therapy sessions and have a positive impact on parenting in the long term.

How EMDR Therapy Works

EMDR therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is a unique and effective form of therapy that has shown promising results in helping parents with ADHD. But how exactly does EMDR therapy work?

EMDR therapy is based on the understanding that traumatic or distressing experiences can get stuck in our brains, causing negative beliefs and emotional distress. These unresolved experiences can contribute to ADHD symptoms and difficulties in parenting. EMDR therapy works by targeting and reprocessing these traumatic memories, allowing the brain to process them more healthily.

During an EMDR therapy session, the therapist will guide the parent through a series of eye movements or other forms of bilateral stimulation. This bilateral stimulation helps stimulate the brain's natural ability to heal and reprocess traumatic memories. As the parent follows the therapist's hand movements or listens to sounds alternating in each ear, the brain's attention is split, allowing the distressing memories to be processed more effectively.

As the parent reprocesses these traumatic memories, they can experience a reduction in ADHD symptoms and an improvement in executive functioning. Negative beliefs about themselves as parents can be challenged and replaced with more positive and empowering beliefs. This leads to improved self-confidence and a stronger parent-child relationship.

EMDR therapy is a collaborative process, with the therapist providing a safe and supportive environment for the parent to explore their experiences and emotions. Each session builds on the progress made in the previous session, allowing for a gradual healing process.

Finding a Therapist for EMDR Therapy

1. Research online: Begin by searching online directories and therapist listings in your area. Look for therapists who specialize in EMDR therapy, have experience working with individuals with ADHD, and possess relevant credentials and experience. Read any reviews or testimonials from previous clients. The EMDR International Association website is a good start!

2. Seek recommendations: Reach out to your personal network for recommendations. Ask friends, family members, or support groups who have undergone EMDR therapy or know someone who has for their experiences. This can provide valuable insights and help you find a therapist who suits your needs.

3. Consult with professionals: Consider seeking recommendations from mental health professionals, such as psychologists or psychiatrists, who specialize in ADHD or trauma. They may be familiar with therapists who utilize EMDR therapy and can provide referrals.

4. Take advantage of consultation sessions: Many therapists offer free consultation sessions or phone calls to discuss their approach and answer any questions you may have. This can give you a better sense of the therapist and whether they are a good fit for you.

5. Trust your instincts: It is important to trust your instincts when choosing a therapist. Find someone you feel comfortable with and can build a strong therapeutic relationship with. Don't be afraid to ask questions and voice any concerns you may have during the consultation process.

Remember that finding the right therapist is a personal and individual process. Take your time, do your research, and trust that you will find the right therapist who can support you in managing your ADHD symptoms through EMDR therapy.

Other Resources and Coping Strategies for Parenting with ADHD

Parenting with ADHD can be a daily battle, but there are resources and coping strategies that can help alleviate some of the challenges and help you feel better connected with your family. Here are a few additional resources and strategies to consider:

3. Time management tools: Utilize tools and apps that can help with time management and organization. There are various apps available that can assist with setting reminders, creating schedules, and breaking tasks into manageable chunks. Experiment with different tools to find the ones that work best for you and your family.

4. Prioritize self-care: Taking care of yourself is essential when parenting with ADHD. Make time for self-care activities, such as exercise, meditation, or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy. Remember, when you prioritize your well-being, you are better able to show up for your child.

5. Seek professional help: In addition to EMDR therapy, consider other therapeutic interventions that may benefit parents with ADHD. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and medication management can also be effective treatments for managing ADHD symptoms. Consult with a mental health professional who specializes in ADHD to explore the best treatment options for you.

Remember, managing ADHD as a parent is an ongoing journey. It's essential to be patient with yourself, practice self-compassion, and celebrate your successes along the way. With the right resources and coping strategies, you can navigate the challenges of parenting with ADHD and thrive in your role as a loving and capable caregiver.

As parents, we often see ourselves in our children - the good and the bad. It can be heartwarming to see our positive traits reflected in our little ones, but it can also be difficult and even painful to see our flaws mirrored in them. This phenomenon can be attributed to a variety of factors, including genetics and learned behavior. However, our children can also serve as mirrors for our unresolved issues and traumas. This is why therapy can be a valuable tool for both parents and children to work through their own struggles and create a healthier dynamic within the family.

The Importance of Identifying Negative Behaviors

Identifying negative behaviors in ourselves and our children is crucial for creating a healthy and positive family dynamic. When we can recognize these behaviors, we have the opportunity to address them and work toward change. Not only does this benefit our children, but it also allows us to grow as individuals and break free from harmful patterns.

Additionally, identifying negative behaviors helps us understand the underlying issues that may be contributing to these behaviors. It allows us to explore our own traumas and unresolved issues, so we can heal and move forward.

Overall, recognizing and addressing negative behaviors is a crucial step toward creating a loving and supportive family environment. It sets the foundation for personal growth, improved relationships, and a happier future for everyone involved.

Understanding Normal Childhood Development and Behavior Patterns

Understanding normal childhood development and behavior patterns is essential for parents to effectively navigate their child's growth and development. It helps us distinguish between behaviors that are part of a normal developmental process and those that may be a reflection of our own negative behavior patterns. By having this knowledge, parents can better respond to their child's needs and promote their overall well-being.

During childhood, children go through various stages of development, both physically and emotionally. These stages include milestones such as learning to walk, talk, and form relationships. Each child develops at their own pace, and it's important for parents to be aware of these variations.

By familiarizing ourselves with normal childhood development and behavior patterns, we can better support our children in reaching their full potential. It also enables us to identify when additional support or intervention may be necessary. Through this understanding, we can create a nurturing environment that fosters growth, resilience, and emotional well-being for our children.

Recognizing Our Own Negative Behavior Patterns Reflected in Our Children

It can be a startling and eye-opening experience when we see our own negative behavior patterns reflected in our children. As parents, we often strive to be the best role models for our kids, but sometimes our own unresolved issues and traumas can unintentionally manifest in our behavior towards them. It's essential to recognize these patterns in order to break the cycle and create a healthier family dynamic.

When we see our negative behavior patterns in our children, it's important not to beat ourselves up or feel guilty. Instead, we should view it as an opportunity for growth and self-reflection. By acknowledging these patterns, we can begin to understand the underlying issues that may be contributing to them. This self-awareness allows us to address our own struggles and work towards healing and personal growth.

Recognizing our own negative behavior patterns in our children also provides an opportunity to model healthier behaviors. We can teach our kids important life skills such as emotional regulation, effective communication, and problem-solving. By being open and honest about our own challenges, we create a safe and supportive environment for our children to express themselves and navigate their own emotions.

Remember, it's never too late to make positive changes and break negative behavior cycles. By recognizing and addressing our own negative behavior patterns, we can create a loving and nurturing environment where our children can thrive and grow into resilient individuals.

Why Communicating Better is Easier Said Than Done

Effective communication is often easier said than done, especially within the family dynamic. Many factors contribute to the challenges we face when trying to communicate better with our children. One major factor is the emotional baggage and unresolved issues we carry from our past. These can hinder our ability to express ourselves openly and honestly, leading to miscommunication and misunderstandings.

Furthermore, stress and daily pressures can take a toll on our communication skills. When we're overwhelmed, it's easy to fall into reactive behaviors rather than responding calmly and empathetically to our children.

But don't worry, improving communication is absolutely possible! It starts with self-awareness and recognizing our own communication challenges. By prioritizing active listening, open dialogue, and practicing effective conflict resolution skills, we can create an environment where communication flows more smoothly. Seeking support from therapists or family counselors can also be immensely helpful in improving communication within the family.

Remember, improving communication takes time and patience. Celebrate the small victories and keep working towards open and effective communication, knowing that your efforts will ultimately strengthen the bond with your children and create a harmonious family dynamic.

The Role of Self-Awareness and Accountability in Positive Parenting

Self-awareness and accountability play crucial roles in positive parenting. When we become aware of our own flaws and negative behavior patterns, we have the power to make positive changes and break the cycle. By taking responsibility for our actions and choices, we model accountability to our children, teaching them the importance of self-reflection and personal growth.

Self-awareness allows us to recognize when our emotions and unresolved issues are influencing our interactions with our children. It helps us pause, reflect, and respond rather than react impulsively. By being aware of our triggers and emotional baggage, we can better understand how they impact our parenting style and make conscious efforts to address them.

Accountability involves taking ownership of our mistakes and making amends when necessary. It teaches our children that everyone makes errors, but what matters is how we take responsibility and learn from them. By modeling accountability, we create a safe and supportive environment where our children feel comfortable acknowledging their own mistakes and growing from them.

In order to cultivate self-awareness and accountability, it's important to practice self-reflection, seek support from therapists or parenting classes, and regularly assess our own behavior and its impact on our children. Remember, positive parenting is a journey, and embracing self-awareness and accountability is a powerful step toward creating a loving and nurturing family dynamic.

Strategies for Breaking Negative Behavior Cycles

Breaking negative behavior cycles can be a challenging but worthwhile endeavor. Here are some strategies to help you on your journey:

1. Self-reflection: Take the time to reflect on your behavior and identify the negative patterns you want to break. Understand the triggers that lead to these behaviors and explore the underlying emotions and experiences that contribute to them.

3. Set clear boundaries: Establish clear and consistent boundaries with your children. Clearly communicate expectations and consequences, and be firm yet loving in enforcing them. Consistency and clarity provide a sense of security for children and help break negative behavior cycles. Gentle or positive parenting does not mean no boundaries or consequences!

4. Practice positive discipline: Instead of resorting to punitive measures, focus on positive discipline techniques that promote learning and growth. Use praise and rewards to reinforce desired behaviors and provide guidance and redirection for negative behaviors.

5. Model healthy behavior: Be a role model for your children by exhibiting the behavior you want to see in them. Show empathy, effective communication, and problem-solving skills. Let them see you making mistakes and taking responsibility for them, emphasizing the importance of self-reflection and personal growth.

Remember, breaking negative behavior cycles takes time and patience. Be kind to yourself and your children throughout the process. Celebrate small victories, seek support when needed, and embrace the journey of creating a healthier and happier family dynamic.

With love,
Kristy Casper, LCSW

Do you feel like your relationships keep repeating the same patterns? Are you struggling to get out of a trauma bond? EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can be the key to unlocking unhealthy relationship patterns and creating healthier ones. In this blog post, we will explore how EMDR can help us with future relationships, how to recognize red flags and green flags, and how to break a trauma bond. So if you're looking for a way to build healthier relationships, EMDR may just be the answer.
How can trauma bonding impact future relationships, and what steps can be taken to heal from this type of emotional attachment.

Understanding the Trauma Bond and its Impact on Relationships

Trauma bonds can leave lasting effects on our emotional and mental well-being. They can distort our perception of what is healthy and normal in a relationship, making it challenging to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. The trauma bond can also lead to feelings of dependency, fear, and low self-esteem.

By understanding the trauma bond and how it impacts relationships, we can begin to break free from its grip and create healthier, more fulfilling connections with others. Through EMDR therapy, we can address and process the traumatic experiences that have contributed to the trauma bond, allowing us to heal and build healthier relationship patterns.

Exploring the Benefits of EMDR Therapy for Healing from Trauma Bonds

EMDR therapy offers a powerful and effective approach to healing from trauma bonds. By targeting the underlying traumatic experiences that have contributed to these unhealthy relationship patterns, EMDR can help break free from the grip of the trauma bond and create healthier, more fulfilling connections with others.

One of the major benefits of EMDR therapy is its ability to process and reprocess traumatic memories in a safe and controlled environment. This helps to alleviate the distress associated with these memories and reduces their impact on current relationships. By reprocessing the traumatic experiences, EMDR allows individuals to gain new insights, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and form a more positive sense of self.

Another benefit of EMDR therapy is its ability to desensitize and reprocess triggers associated with the trauma bond. These triggers can often lead to intense emotional and physiological reactions that hinder healthy relationship dynamics. Through EMDR, individuals can learn to identify and reprocess these triggers, reducing their power and allowing for more stable and secure relationships.

EMDR therapy also provides individuals with a sense of empowerment and control over their own healing journey. By actively engaging in the therapeutic process, individuals can regain a sense of agency and autonomy in their relationships. This newfound empowerment allows for the development of healthier boundaries and the ability to navigate future relationships from a place of strength and self-assuredness.

Overall, EMDR therapy offers numerous benefits for healing from trauma bonds. Through its unique approach, it empowers individuals to break free from the patterns of the past, creating the space for healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.

How EMDR Can Help with Future Relationships by Breaking Old Patterns

EMDR therapy offers hope for breaking free from old relationship patterns and building healthier connections in the future. By targeting the underlying traumas that contribute to these patterns, EMDR helps to reprocess and heal the wounds that hold us back.

EMDR also empowers us to set boundaries and make choices that align with our values and needs. By working through past traumas, we can develop a stronger sense of self and cultivate self-assuredness in future relationships.

With the help of EMDR therapy, we can break the cycle of trauma and create a foundation for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Identifying Red Flags in Relationships That Trigger Trauma Responses

Identifying red flags in relationships is crucial for trauma survivors as it helps them recognize patterns that may trigger trauma responses. These red flags can vary, but some common ones include controlling behavior, excessive jealousy, manipulation, verbal or physical aggression, and disregard for boundaries. It's important to trust your instincts and take note of any discomfort or unease you feel in a relationship.

Another red flag is a lack of empathy or understanding for your past traumas. If your partner dismisses or minimizes your experiences, it can be detrimental to your healing process. Additionally, a lack of communication or refusal to address conflict in a healthy manner can indicate potential problems in the relationship.

By learning to identify these red flags, trauma survivors can protect themselves and make informed decisions about their relationships. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor can provide guidance in recognizing and addressing these red flags, allowing for healthier, more fulfilling connections in the future. Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship that nurtures and supports your healing journey.

Recognizing Green Flags in Healthy Relationships that Foster Growth and Healing

Some examples of green flags include open and honest communication, respect for boundaries, empathy and understanding, mutual support and encouragement, and a willingness to work through conflicts in a healthy and constructive manner. These green flags create an environment where growth and healing can thrive. It is important to be aware of these green flags and actively seek out relationships that embody these qualities. By recognizing and prioritizing healthy relationships, trauma survivors can create a foundation for long-lasting healing, growth, and fulfillment.

Incorporating Self-Care Practices to Support Healing and Growth after Trauma.

Incorporating self-care practices into your life after experiencing trauma is crucial for your healing and growth. Self-care is about prioritizing your well-being and taking intentional steps to nurture and support yourself. It's about recognizing your own needs and actively seeking out activities and practices that promote healing and self-compassion.

There are many self-care practices that can support your healing journey. Engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as spending time in nature, practicing yoga or meditation, or indulging in a favorite hobby, can be incredibly beneficial. Taking care of your physical health through regular exercise, eating nutritious meals, and getting enough sleep is also important for your overall well-being.

Additionally, seeking support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist can provide you with the guidance and understanding you need during your healing process. Taking the time to express and process your emotions, whether through journaling, art, or talking with a trusted confidante, can also be a valuable self-care practice.

Remember, incorporating self-care practices is not selfish or indulgent. It is a necessary and essential part of your healing journey. By prioritizing your well-being and engaging in self-care, you are taking an active role in your own healing and growth after trauma.

Intro

Have you ever experienced a persistent feeling of inadequacy no matter what you do? Or maybe it seems like your own negative self-talk is a constant battle. Negative core beliefs can be challenging to unravel, but understanding and addressing them is an important step in your journey to mental health. In this blog post, we’ll explore how to tackle negative core beliefs in therapy, and how to start unraveling the knots of self-doubt and fear. 

Understanding Negative Core Beliefs

They shape our perception of ourselves and the world around us, leading to a cycle of negative self-talk and self-doubt. Understanding negative core beliefs is crucial because it allows us to recognize and challenge these deeply ingrained beliefs, empowering us to break free from their hold. By unraveling the origins and impact of these beliefs, we can begin to reframe our thoughts and develop a healthier, more positive self-image.

Identifying Your Own Negative Core Beliefs

Many of us have negative core beliefs, but identifying them can be a daunting task. It requires introspection and a willingness to dig deep into our past experiences and emotions. One way to start identifying your negative core beliefs is by paying attention to your inner dialogue. What negative thoughts consistently arise? Do you often doubt your abilities or feel unworthy of love and success? Another helpful strategy is to reflect on past traumatic events or negative experiences that may have shaped your beliefs about yourself. By identifying and acknowledging these negative core beliefs, you can begin the process of unraveling them and taking steps towards healing and growth.

How Negative Core Beliefs Affect Our Lives

Negative core beliefs have a profound impact on our lives. They influence how we view ourselves, how we interact with others, and how we navigate the world around us. These beliefs can manifest as self-doubt, fear, and feelings of unworthiness. They can hold us back from reaching our full potential and hinder our personal growth. Negative core beliefs can affect our relationships, our career choices, and our overall mental well-being. By recognizing the ways in which these beliefs are affecting our lives, we can begin to challenge and change them. It's time to break free from the constraints of negative core beliefs and live a life of empowerment and self-acceptance.

Challenging Negative Core Beliefs in Therapy

Through various therapeutic techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), you can learn to challenge the negative thoughts and beliefs that hold you back. Therapy provides a safe and supportive space to explore and challenge these beliefs, helping you to develop new, healthier perspectives about yourself and the world. With the guidance of a therapist, you can begin to replace self-doubt and fear with self-acceptance and empowerment.

Evidence-Based Therapies for Resolving Negative Core Beliefs

When it comes to resolving negative core beliefs, there are several evidence-based therapies that can be highly effective. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is one such therapy that focuses on identifying and challenging negative thoughts and beliefs. Through CBT, you can learn to replace self-defeating thoughts with more positive and realistic ones. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is another powerful therapy that combines elements of mindfulness, acceptance, and behavior change. DBT can help you develop skills to manage intense emotions and build healthier relationships. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is yet another therapy that can be particularly beneficial for trauma survivors, helping to process traumatic memories and change negative beliefs. Seeking out therapy that is rooted in evidence-based approaches can provide you with the tools and support you need to unravel those knots of negative core beliefs and find healing and growth.

The Importance of a Support System

They can offer a fresh perspective, help you see your own worth, and remind you of your strengths when self-doubt creeps in. A support system can also provide a safe space to vent, share your experiences, and seek guidance. Whether it's friends, family, or a therapist, don't underestimate the power of having people who believe in you and support your growth. Remember, you don't have to face these challenges alone.

Tools for Managing Negative Thoughts and Behaviors

When it comes to managing negative thoughts and behaviors, having the right tools in your toolkit can make all the difference. One effective tool is mindfulness, which involves being present in the moment and observing your thoughts without judgment. This can help you detach from negative thoughts and create space for more positive ones. Another helpful tool is journaling, where you can write down your negative thoughts and then challenge them with more rational and compassionate ones. Additionally, practicing self-care activities such as exercise, meditation, or engaging in hobbies can help distract from negative thoughts and promote a sense of well-being. Remember, these tools are meant to be personalized to your needs, so feel free to experiment and find what works best for you.

Taking Control of Your Own Life

Now that you have begun to understand and challenge your negative core beliefs, it's time to take control of your own life. This is the moment where you step into your power and start making choices that align with your true self-worth and potential. It may not be an easy journey, but remember that you are strong and capable of overcoming any obstacle. Surround yourself with people who believe in you, continue practicing self-care and mindfulness, and trust in the progress you have made. You have the power to create the life you deserve, filled with empowerment, self-acceptance, and growth.

Therapy is a powerful tool to help individuals achieve inner peace and calm. In our modern lives, it can be difficult to find ways to manage stress and anxiety that can leave us feeling overwhelmed. Through therapy, it is possible to unlock inner calm and find ways to cope with the pressures of life. This blog post will explore how therapy can be an effective way to reduce stress and promote overall well-being.

The Importance of Inner Calm

n today's fast-paced and stressful world, finding inner peace and calm is more crucial than ever. Inner calm is not just a luxury; it is a necessity for our mental and emotional well-being. When we are constantly overwhelmed and anxious, it takes a toll on our health and happiness.

This is where therapy can play a significant role in helping us achieve that much-needed inner calm. Therapy provides a safe and supportive environment where we can explore our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. It helps us gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and the root causes of our anxiety and stress.

Through therapy, we can learn various techniques and strategies to manage our emotions and find peace within ourselves. These techniques can range from mindfulness and meditation practices to cognitive-behavioral therapy and relaxation exercises. Therapists are trained to provide guidance and support, tailoring their approach to the specific needs and preferences of each individual.

Inner calm is not just about the absence of stress or external challenges. It is about cultivating a sense of balance, tranquility, and resilience in the face of life's ups and downs. Therapy can help us develop coping mechanisms, improve self-awareness, and reframe negative thought patterns that contribute to our inner turmoil.

Prioritizing our mental health and seeking therapy is an act of self-care and self-love. It is an investment in our overall well-being and our ability to navigate life's challenges with grace and resilience. So, if you find yourself constantly overwhelmed or struggling to find inner peace, therapy can be the stepping stone towards unlocking the calm you deserve.

How Therapy Can Help

One of the key ways that therapy can help is by providing individuals with the opportunity to gain insight into the root causes of their stress and anxiety. Through open and honest conversations with a therapist, clients can explore past experiences, trauma, or negative patterns of thinking that may be contributing to their lack of inner peace. This deeper understanding can be the first step towards healing and finding inner calm.

Additionally, therapy offers individuals coping mechanisms and strategies to manage their stress and anxiety in a healthy way. A therapist can provide practical tools and techniques to help individuals regulate their emotions, manage stress, and find a sense of peace amidst life's challenges. These skills can be invaluable in maintaining a state of inner calm even when faced with difficult situations.

Therapy also offers individuals a space for self-reflection and personal growth. In therapy, individuals have the opportunity to explore their values, beliefs, and goals, and align them with their actions and choices. This self-awareness and alignment can contribute to a sense of inner peace and fulfillment.

Moreover, therapy can provide individuals with the support and encouragement they need to navigate the ups and downs of life. A therapist acts as a compassionate and nonjudgmental listener, offering validation and guidance as individuals work towards finding their inner calm. This support can make a significant difference in an individual's journey towards inner peace.

Ultimately, therapy is a powerful tool for unlocking inner calm. Through gaining insight, learning coping mechanisms, fostering self-reflection, and receiving support, individuals can find the peace they long for. If you are struggling with anxiety, stress, or a lack of inner peace, therapy can be a transformative step towards a more fulfilling and calm life. Don't hesitate to reach out and seek the help you deserve.

Different Therapeutic Approaches for Finding Calm

In the pursuit of inner peace and tranquility, therapy can serve as a valuable tool for individuals looking to unlock their inner calm. Understanding the importance of the mind-body connection in learning to regulate your nervous system is essential in this journey. One therapeutic approach that has gained recognition for its effectiveness in finding calm is somatic-based therapy.

Somatic-based therapy emphasizes the connection between the mind and the body. It recognizes that unresolved emotional experiences can manifest as physical sensations and tension in the body. Through techniques such as body awareness, breathing exercises, and gentle movement, somatic-based therapy aims to release this stored tension, allowing individuals to achieve a greater sense of calm and well-being.

One of the key aspects of somatic-based therapy is resolving the disconnect between what you logically know and how you feel in your body. Often, we may understand intellectually that we should be calm and at peace, but our body may still feel tense and anxious. Somatic-based therapy works to bridge this gap by helping individuals become more attuned to their bodily sensations and providing tools to release any emotional or physical tension.

Ultimately, therapy offers a variety of therapeutic approaches for individuals seeking to find calm. Whether it be somatic-based therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness-based approaches, or others, therapy can provide the guidance and support needed to navigate the path towards inner calm and peace. By addressing both the mind and the body, therapycan help individuals develop strategies to regulate their nervous system and cultivate a sense of tranquility in their everyday lives.

Overcoming Barriers to Achieving Inner Calm

Achieving inner calm is often easier said than done. We live in a fast-paced world filled with constant demands and distractions, making it challenging to find peace within ourselves. However, therapy can provide invaluable support in overcoming the barriers that prevent us from achieving inner calm.

One of the most common barriers to inner calm is stress. The demands of work, relationships, and everyday life can quickly become overwhelming, leaving us feeling anxious and restless. Therapy offers a safe space to explore and address the underlying causes of stress, helping us develop coping mechanisms and stress reduction techniques.

Another barrier is unresolved trauma or past experiences that continue to impact our present lives. Therapy provides an opportunity to process and heal from these wounds, freeing us from the burden they create and enabling us to find peace within ourselves.

Additionally, negative thought patterns and self-doubt can hinder our ability to experience inner calm. Through therapy, we can identify and challenge these thoughts, replacing them with more positive and empowering beliefs. Therapists can teach us cognitive-behavioral techniques and mindfulness practices that help us manage negative thoughts and cultivate inner peace.

Finally, lack of self-care and prioritization can also be barriers to achieving inner calm. Therapy can help us recognize the importance of self-care and provide guidance on setting healthy boundaries and practicing self-compassion.

Tips for Incorporating Calming Techniques Into Everyday Life

In our fast-paced and chaotic world, finding inner-peace and calm can sometimes feel like an elusive goal. However, by incorporating calming techniques into our everyday lives, we can create a sense of tranquility that can greatly improve our overall well-being. Therapy can provide the tools and support needed to unlock this inner calm and learn to manage stress in a healthier way.

One technique that has been proven effective in cultivating calm is meditation and mindfulness practices. Taking just a few minutes each day to sit in silence and focus on your breath can do wonders for your mental and emotional state. It allows you to connect with the present moment and let go of worries or anxieties.

Another powerful technique for regulating your nervous system and promoting calm is deep breathing exercises. By taking slow, deep breaths and focusing on your breath entering and leaving your body, you can activate your body's relaxation response and reduce stress levels. Simple techniques like inhaling for a count of four, holding for four, and exhaling for four can be done anywhere, anytime.

Incorporating wind-down time before bed is another valuable habit to develop. By creating a bedtime routine that includes activities such as reading, taking a warm bath, or practicing relaxation exercises, you can help your body learn to settle and calm itself before sleep. This can greatly improve the quality of your sleep and contribute to a greater sense of inner-peace.

If you are craving more peace and tranquility in your life please give our office a call or fill out a consultation form. We'd love to help you achieve more calm, peace and joy in your life.

Sending Love & Light,

Jamie Vollmoeller, LCSW

What is urge-surfing?

We have all been there in one way or another. We feel overwhelmed by an intense emotion and want to break down or explode. Maybe we feel engulfed by an oncoming panic attack. Or perhaps we want to smoke a cigarette or vape pen, or try to calm down with some weed and alcohol. Whatever the reason and the resulting behavior, all these examples and more are driven by intense emotions that feed into a lack of impulse control and the need to give in to urges.

I get it. It can feel exhausting and challenging not to just give in. For instance, when we feel stressed, we may have the urge to eat right out of the Ben & Jerry’s carton or to pour a glass of wine. We may feel the urge to say something cruel to someone or to yell at them. Maybe we get cut off in traffic and want to pursue the driver. We may want to even hurt ourselves.

Our urges and impulses have reasons behind them, but these reasons are not justifications to act on them. It is our responsibility to ourselves to learn how to effectively, healthfully cope.

One way to learn to control impulses and urges is called urge-surfing, a distress tolerance skill from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Simply put, urge-surfing is about “riding the wave” of an urge by controlling your impulse control. It is a mental trick. We are conditioned to think that the longer we resist the urge the more powerful it seems to become, much like a wave builds up to the crest before breaking down into the trough. However, if you surrender yourself to an urge, it trains our brains to think that the surrender is the one and only way to grant us psychological relief. This is not true. While an urge can feel like it is long-lasting and is getting stronger, the truth is that most pass within five to ten minutes. Just like a wave, it will dissipate.

Yes, I know, this is easier said than done. I fully admit trying to stop an urge can sound hard, maybe even impossible. If you have ever dared yourself to swim directly against a wave in the ocean, you know full well it can suck all the energy out of you. You may even fear getting caught in the undertow and swept out to sea. However, if you swim along the side of the wave, you can safely avoid much of its strength which in turn will let it break down with less force. Thus, applying the wave metaphor to our emotions makes sense.

How do I urge-surf?

The urge-surfing process is customizable. Play around with it until you find a pattern that works best for you! However, in general, it goes in the following sequence:

1. Stop. Take a breath in. Notice and acknowledge you are having an urge.

2. Pay attention to the emotions and thoughts you are experiencing, while picking up cues from the situation too. There is no need to try to change, drown out, or avoid them. It may all feel very unpleasant, even uncomfortable, but that is to be expected.

3. Tell yourself the following mantas. Some can be changed to your specific issues:
- “It is okay and normal to feel discomfort.”
- “It is not weird or wrong to have urges. All people have them. They come from having desires, wants, habits and addictions.”
- “An urge is a want, not a need. I need food. I do not need it to be a slice of chocolate cake.”
- “I can still have the chocolate cake, but I can save it for later. It does not need to be right now.”
- “To have an urge is out of my control. What is in my control is deciding not to act on it!”
- “All urges are short-lived and temporary. They will pass. I can get through them.”

Urge-surfing can also be helpful in preventing anxious feelings from evolving into panic attacks. You may try a mantra such as, “a panic attack can be scary, but I can recognize it before it hits its peak. I can do something like deep breathing to avoid it from becoming a full-blown panic attack.”

Above all, remember… you are in control. It is true you cannot prevent an urge from arising, but you do have the power to not act on the urge.

How urge-surfing helps with nicotine withdrawal

Urge-surfing is something I frequently teach to clients who are trying to quit smoking/vaping. I do this through two parts.

First, I educate my clients that nicotine withdrawal reaches its peak at around 72 hours or 3 days. If we figure the average person sleeps for 8.5 hours, that comes out to 25.5 hours the urge to smoke/vape is eliminated. Now add in other factors that can prevent the behavior. If you have a typical 8-hour workday, that is 24 more hours you cannot smoke (I did not add in breaks because this varies by state laws and businesses). Those two activities alone come out to 49.5 hours you cannot smoke/vape, so you only need to figure out solutions to the remaining 22.5 hours! You can then plug in other additional activities that can prevent you from being able to smoke/vape, such as time for hobbies and interests, meals, social situations where it is unacceptable (i.e., restaurants, watching your child play soccer, etc.).

Second, I tell my clients that as a further motivational tool to keep them from giving into the urge, they can replace their “smoke times” with other tasks that provide distraction. In your case, think about how long it takes for you to smoke or vape. This is probably 5 to 10 minutes; thus, you need to find a replacement behavior for that 5-to-10-minute time frame. For example, if you like to have a cigarette the first thing in the morning and that takes 6 minutes for you, you only need to distract yourself with anything else for 6 minutes. This could be a guided meditation, quick yoga session, giving more time to enjoy your breakfast, putting extra effort into your hair and make-up, reading the news, or even browsing social media (although for this last one I suggest you exercise caution because social media can also be an addiction).

Obviously, urge-surfing can work for other addictions too. I also suggest urge-surfing for other problematic behaviors such as self-injury.

How urge-surfing can prevent arguments

Urge-surfing is a key tool to help prevent arguments. Think back on a time you felt hurt, offended, or angry at a friend or family member. You may have screamed at them or said something callous to feel better… and yes it made you feel powerful at the time, but it came with consequences, right? Perhaps you were later plagued with guilt. Even worse, the person may have stopped talking to you and you were fearful your relationship with them had ended. As you reflect on the incident, you recognize that there could had been a good outcome if you responded differently to the person – even if they were in the wrong.

When it comes to interpersonal conflicts, urge-surfing can work by having you pause to consider the consequences of acting on the urge to scream and so on. You can stop to notice how you think and feel, remind yourself that the emotion is temporary but the urge may have permanent bad results, and decide how to proceed (this is a DBT skill called “STOP”; detailed here). You can also think of ways you can distract yourself in the moment, such as with these DBT distress tolerance skills. Or you could tell the person, “I feel myself getting angry and wanting to say something I don’t mean, so I am going to walk away right now. Please give me space so I can calm down.” 

Journaling as a method to urge-surf

Finally, you may find it beneficial to journal about your urges as they relate to your impulses, thoughts, emotions, and experiences. There is something liberating about writing down your innermost issues; it serves as an emotional, cognitive, and spiritual release from the pain. Journaling can tap into your inner wisdom by having you make connections about why giving into an urge can be harmful. Furthermore, journaling can let you come up with solutions about how to get through the problem in a healthy way. It can also let you think of what could happen if you continue to surrender to the urge (i.e., chronic alcohol use can lead to cirrhosis). 

Final thoughts

In summary, urge-surfing is important because it teaches us that an urge will lessen in its intensity as time passes. At the peak of an urge, it can feel like our discomfort will consume us unless we act on it to quell it. However, by doing that it only conditions us to have to act on it no matter what, which ironically makes it stronger. Instead, remind yourself that all urges will pass, decrease in frequency as you become more skilled, and that all you are the master of your actions.

Celebrate your victories when you urge-surf to get through a situation. See it as a reminder you are in self-control.

As you become better at learning to control yourself by not giving in to urges, your brain will adapt to these newfound changes. This will make it far easier to resist the pressure of surrendering to urges throughout the rest of your life!

- Valerie Smith, LMSW

For years, social media platforms such as TikTok and Instagram have been at the forefront of the self-care movement. This is spearheaded by influencers who are sipping a green smoothie after a morning jog or workout at the gym, and of course there is time for morning meditation in there too. Or reworded… “nothing beats a #greensmoothie after my #dailymorningjog and #dailymorningworkout, and let’s not forget my #morningmeditation!” Or there is the opposite – the influencers who somehow have the endless money to always travel to exotic destinations to dine on the local foods, indulge in the wines, and take in vermilion sunsets with the hashtags “#justbreathe” or “#enjoylife” as if they think the average person can do so whenever they please. At times, I feel happy and inspired by what gets posted, but more often I feel just annoyed. Jealousy? Nope. It’s for a different reason altogether.

I have been employed in the mental health field since 2014, serving as a licensed social worker since 2020. During that time, I have had the honor of working with people with persistent, severe mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, caregivers of those with terminal disease, people battling debilitating conditions, and adults who have suffered from complex trauma. For some of us, the “Instagram/Tiktok-worthy” type of self-help is not enough – or even doable. Social media can preach about self-help all day (hell, what even is self-help?), but the associated culture is judgmental and privileged, even toxic.

Let me share with you this wisdom:

You are not failing yourself if you have more cookies than intended, can’t find the motivation to go to the gym today, or forgot to do your hot yoga. You are human. Some days, weeks, and months are simply harder than others.

The true pathway to self-help is self-compassion and self-forgiveness.

Genuine self-care does not need to meet the standards for social media. Even though I appear quite glamorous in my professional photographs and my clients always see me with my make-up done, that is not me every day. On days off, I do indeed wear an oversized tee shirt with sweatpants, bare-faced and with unbrushed hair, and that’s okay.

It's the little things...

I live with chronic medical conditions. Sometimes my self-care requires me to stretch my neck so far to the right I look like a freakish creature in a Stephen King film, which I learned after physical therapy is the most natural way to treat my radiculopathy and cervical disc degeneration. I also have hypothyroidism and anemia, so my self-care consists of blood draws, levothyroxine, and iron supplements.

Self-care in practice

Self-care means to force myself to step away from my desk to get in a stretch when I can feel pain or numbness beginning to radiate through my spine, the indicator that I have been sitting in place for too long. And yes, this can mean my break is spent caring for myself, not necessarily replying to text messages and emails right away (although I will say I’m good at that). Self-care means I let myself have dinner at an appropriate hour on some weeknights, a simple pleasure I neglected for years as a therapist because that is “prime time” for therapy clients. Self-care requires I set down boundaries with my loved ones, letting them know that I cannot stop everything I’m doing to satisfy their needs and wants no matter what.

Do you!

So stop being hard on yourself. It is okay to mess up. Embrace being perfectly imperfect. Listen to your intuition to guide you in what defines “self-help” for you. Who cares if it isn’t sexy? If you need help identifying ways to take care of you, setting boundaries with others so you can take care of you or asking others for support- we would love to help you on that journey. Contact our office today.

-Valerie Smith, LMSW

Do you have that pesky voice in your head constantly shutting you down? Maybe you hear it say, “be a man”; “just do better”; “suck it up and deal”; “talking about your feelings makes you weak”; or “dude, no one wants to hear about your problems, just push through”. Seems familiar? 

You are not alone. Men across multiple cultures to include the United States of America are constantly told to bottle up their emotions and not talk about their feelings because vulnerability is seen as weakness. This is not only a cultural norm, but something that families instill in young boys growing up, in professional career settings, and in interpersonal relationships throughout our lives. But it’s all bullshit. If you want to know the truth, allowing yourself the space and strength to be vulnerable and discuss what you are going through makes you a man with courage; the courage to help yourself when you need to in a healthy way. 

The defining stereotyped image of whats makes someone a “man” includes expectations to use aggression (verbal and/or physical)  to solve their problems, suppressing emotions and never talking about their problems, isolating themselves and withdrawing (“because no one wants to hear your problems”), expected to be effortlessly attractive and/or in shape, value sexual conquests over emotional intimacy, homophobia, and be tough/intimidate others to get their way and/or defend themselves. 

Because our culture tells us that men should just sit down and shut up about their vulnerabilities, this often leads to self-destructive means of coping in men. Whether that be alcohol and/or substance misuse or abuse; or sabotaging personal and/or professional relationships with terrible communication skills and next to no problem solving abilities.

According to Benita N. Chatmon, PhD, MSN, RN, CNE, “Depression and suicide are ranked as a leading cause of death among men. Six million men are affected by depression in the United States every single year. Men (79% of 38,364) die by suicide at a rate four times higher than women (Mental Health America [MHA], 2020). They also die due to alcohol-related causes at 62,000 in comparison to women at 26,000. Men are also two to three times more likely to misuse drugs than women (Center for Behavioral Health Statistics and Quality, 2017). These statistics are troubling because they reinforce the notion that males are less likely to seek help and more likely than women to turn to dangerous, unhealthy behaviors.” (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7444121/)

So, how can we help challenge the negative stereotypes men are expected to live up to? How do we break the stigma so that men can achieve the felt safety in asking for help from others, whether that be trusted loved ones or professionals?

First, it is essential to normalize the idea of seeking mental health treatment. When we have a medical condition like Diabetes or Hypertension, there's no shame in going to the doctor and/or dietitian for guidance and/or medication management. So, why should there be shame in seeking out help for issues like Depression, Anxiety, or Trauma? I feel that the reason this happens all too often is that we can’t just look inside the brain anytime we want to see what’s going on from a chemical or physiological standpoint. So, because we can’t physically see and/or measure exactly whats going on or why we feel the way we do, it becomes stigmatized as “a figment of our imagination” or “over-exaggerating”. This is beyond infuriating because mental health concerns are just as legitimate and can potentially become just as, if not more devastating than some medical conditions. 

In my career, I’ve seen lives destroyed by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychosis, Depression, and Anxiety. Although such conditions don’t always lead to debilitation and/or significant decrease in functioning, they sometimes do and this is pathologized by cultural norms in America, especially for men. As noted above, men are expected to sit down and shut up, and not talk about their feelings because…”who cares, just deal and push through”.

In addition to normalizing the idea of seeking help, it is also important to be able to talk with trusted loved ones about what you are going through. Also, find ways to educate yourself about your mental health issues, maybe even do your homework about what condition you’ve been diagnosed with and what to expect in therapy. A wonderful resource for learning more general information about mental health diagnoses and treatments is National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). Please see the link for their main website listed here. https://nami.org/Home. Talk with your mental health provider openly about your diagnosis, what to expect in treatment, and any negative feelings that come with attending therapy. Your therapist is there to help. Try to use the time and calm space in therapy sessions to explore the negative stigmas around men seeking mental health care and how this has affected you and your relationships to yourself, others, and the world. This helps the therapist understand your world and your experience so that they can provide the appropriate tools to help. It is also beneficial to outreach others who are having the same or similar experiences as you; this can build compassion for others and feeling more understood and grounded in knowing that you are not alone. 

Men, just know that we all have baggage and you are not broken. You deserve to have the felt safety of seeking mental health care and addressing the concerns you have in a productive and healthy way. 

- Jackie Martinez, LMSW (NY), LCSW (NC)

According to a study conducted by the insurance company Lemonade, 7 out of 10 American households have at least one pet. Pets are considered beneficial for mental health, providing companionship, emotional support, and entertainment. Furthermore, as is stated by the National Institutes of Health, pets are also found to improve human health by decreasing cortisol levels, lowering blood pressure, and improving mood.

If you are reading this article, chances are you are grieving the death or absence of a beloved pet, or you have learned your pet is terminal. Maybe there is something else going on. If not, you may be doing research to help someone who is going through such experiences. Whatever your reason for being here right now, I think we can all agree the key importance of pets in our lives cannot be dismissed.

We have all heard (or made) the statement, “that animal got me through a dark, bad time in my life.” I vividly recall my dachshund, Sierra, who I adopted only a few months after the death of my mother. While I knew she could not replace my mother, her unconditional love did help to fill the heavy void within my heart. As a dog with special needs (she was born with microphthalmia, which affected her vision) and me as a human broken by despair, we helped each other. Indeed, Sierra was my best friend.

Sadly, Sierra is no longer here, but I will never forget the bond we shared.

The therapist/writer, Valerie, with Sierra.

When we consider the comfort, joy, and support given to us by pets, it makes sense why losing them can be devastating to our psyches. For some of us, our pets are closer to us than our own family members and friends – and indeed, they are our family members, repairing the wounds we suffered from others. Pets can offer the connection we need to remind ourselves we are loved. Simply think of the last time your dog ran to greet you as you came through the front door or your cat snuggled and purred on your lap.

Grieving a pet after euthanasia (being “put down”)

For some people, one of the most painful, difficult decisions they will ever need to make is to allow their beloved pet to be euthanized or “put down.” Euthanasia is frequently the merciful decision if the animal’s prognosis is poor. However, the realization of knowing you made a critical decision regarding your pet’s health and life can result in guilt, thus intensifying the grief process. You may swarm yourself with the “what-if” thoughts, such as, “should I have got a second opinion from another veterinarian?” or “is it at all possible the veterinarian was wrong and more could’ve been done?” or “did my cat even really want to die despite her being so sick?”

Unlike humans, who can help prepare for their demise through completing advanced directives, pets are incapable of making their own decisions. Thus, it is not surprising that devoted pet owners may feel complex emotions about if they did the right thing.

Grieving a pet due to an accident

A few years ago, I scheduled for my cats to be spayed. Since this was a routine procedure and my cats were seemingly healthy, I had expected nothing catastrophic to happen. Instead, I figured my cats would be fine, and that I was doing the right thing by helping control the excessive cat overpopulation. Luna recovered well. Tragically, though, my lovely dilute calico Maine Coon mix, Starla, died from the anesthesia. Post-mortem, the veterinarian discovered she had a hereditary form of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, which is relatively common in the breed. I was devastated, shocked, and angry. I never thought trying to be a responsible pet owner would result in my cat’s untimely death.

In time, I realized Starla likely would’ve died young regardless due to her underlying condition. But in that tsunami of grief, it was difficult for me to think clearly. Rather, I thought there was an injustice.

Like my experience, some pet owners have complicated grief due to an accident that killed their pet. Whether this be a health-related issue like my Starla, or perhaps a beloved dog getting out and run over by a car, or a cat running away, such an unexpected event can complicate the grief process. They may also experience guilt or think they have failed their companion.

Starla as a young kitten, a few months before the veterinary procedure.

Grieving a pet due to surrender/rehoming and other such reasons

A final form of grief over a pet is not due to death at all, but rather in instances that an owner needs to make the difficult decision to rehome their pet. This can be for a myriad of reasons. Perhaps their animal is aggressive and thus unsafe around the children. Maybe someone in the home is ill, requiring much care, and stretching resources thin for the caregiver. Or perhaps the pet owner is experiencing unforeseen circumstances, such as job loss, eviction, or other life-changing events. The person could have become disabled and realized they do not have the ability to care for something dependent on them. Whatever the reason, the person has made the decision to give up their pet.

This type of grief presents its own challenges. Like the other two types, there is guilt, but it can be even more severe because it can be coupled with a sense of betrayal. Furthermore, such owners are also stigmatized by others, such as animal shelters’ social media pages that can portray them to have no justified excuse whatsoever to surrender their animal. This type of loss often is faced in secrecy because the owner is afraid to admit the reason behind what happened, aware they may be shunned for the violation of a social norm.

Whatever the reason for the pet loss, it is loss. It hurts. And it can hurt just like any other loss. Grief is not only for the death or absence of people.

The following are ways to help cope with the loss.

1. Recognize your grief is valid.

As a grief therapist, I can assure you it is normal to be distraught after the loss of a pet. There have been moments when my clients have confessed that they feel more heartbroken over losing their pet versus significant people in their lives. Some express feeling embarrassed or ashamed, saying things like, “the truth is, I’m sadder about my dog dying than my grandfather, but I know I’m supposed to be sadder about my grandfather.” In response, I challenge them to consider that unlike their grandfather, they lived with their dog. Their dog was never callous toward them, never judgmental, only a loving friend. And thus, of course it makes sense they would feel more grief for their dog.

For some people, pet loss can be the most difficult loss they have ever experienced. It is important for us to normalize this type of grief.

2. Understand that grief presents differently for everyone

Grief will manifest itself differently depending on the individual. In a family who lost their pet, one person may be angry. Another could be crying nonstop. Still another may seem indifferent. One person may say “she was just a cat” and think about getting another cat right away, while someone else may exclaim, “she was more than ‘just’ a cat; she was my friend, and no, I don’t want another cat!”

All people will progress through their grief journeys at their own pace, facing difficult obstacles and emotions. It is also not a linear process; instead, grief can “go backward” or be experienced more like a web or set of highs and lows. These experiences are normal.

To be of support to someone grieving their pet, simply validate their emotions. Let them know it is okay to feel the way they do.

Remember, too, that other pets in the household can grieve. When Starla died, Luna wandered aimlessly around the home for days to look for her. She seemed to finally realize Starla was not coming home. Since then, I added other cats to the family. Luna tolerates them, but she has never shown the bond with them she had with Starla.

3. Join a support group

Some individuals do not want or need a support group. For those who would like to feel less alone or are having a hard time coping because they feel their loss is misunderstood, they can benefit from peer support. They can find solace in communicating with others who are going through the same thing. There are many support groups on social media platforms such as Facebook specifically for pet loss.

4. Talk with a therapist

Yes, it is okay (and encouraged!) to reach out to a therapist to help grieve the loss of a pet and to learn coping skills for effectively managing that loss. As a grief therapist myself who has had my many heavy cries for losing a beloved pet, I will never judge you for talking about this issue to me. And it’s not just me – there're many therapists out there who would love to work with you through this issue, offering compassion, empathy, and loving support. You are not “weird” for grieving.

5. Honor your pet through memorials and rituals

For some people, a healthy way to express their grief is to honor their pet through memorials and rituals. Some veterinarians will send a grieving owner a sympathy card along with mold of the animal’s paw print. Meanwhile, some owners may choose to keep their dog’s collar or their cat’s favorite toy. Other owners may find comfort in reading the poem called The Rainbow Bridge, which suggests pets go to a special place in heaven accessible by crossing a rainbow-colored bridge.

Some people may find comfort in burying their animal in their backyard, while others may choose to do so at a pet cemetery. Others may do neither, choosing to keep the cremains, and others may not want any objects to serve as reminders. Again, there is no right or wrong decision here – all that matters is what will help you.

- Valerie Smith, LMSW, CFTG